A Bedtime Story p2 | Springfield, MO

For readers: Without sharing all of the details. We've had a small temporary change around our house and I wanted a little special something for the family. I thought a bedtime story might to do the trick. I hope you don't mind. :)

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HI MY LOVES

I miss you SO very much and can't wait to come home. 

TOMORROW!

I was able to squeeze in story # 2!

(It's more like a collection of pics from the remainder of the trip.)

Ethan, my first day here and before I got a rental car, I rode with another lady who rented this! 

(I know your excited)

And Sophie, you've already seen it but look at this trash can again!  

PINK

And nearly every house has one!

I keep seeing post cards with pretty pictures of waterfalls. 

Each image says "The Ozarks".

When I ask how to get to there, I am told that I am already in them.

I have not seen any waterfalls though.

I've passed this dump truck a couple of mornings on the way to class. 

It's the first one that I've seen with a trailer behind it. I thought you'd like it.

You can barely make it out. Daddy might have to zoom in.

  I don't know if you remember "Route 66" from the Disney Cars movie. 

But that's based off a real road that runs through here. 
I got the impression that there would be more memorabilia or souvenirs. 

But there are none, except this.

And no, I can't bring it home.

Even the RT 66 Information and Tourist center recommended that I go to Bass Pro Shop instead.

Evidently, it's the largest one in the country.

I was looking for Route 66 pictures that might mean something to you. Maybe from the Disney movie. I came across this one instead. This is NOT here and so I didn't see it. -But it's pretty ridiculous.
 I thought you'd laugh. 

Welcome CHICKEN BOY!!

We ate here:

Which is a place known for throwing their bread at you.

Believe it or not you've both eaten here when you were younger.

(Except that you went to the one in Alabama.)

People outside playing checkers.

A picture on the wall that I thought some parents might like.

(Me)

Ashley caught her roll. See her hands in the bottom left and her bun in mid-air!

(Go Ashley!)

They served my dinner in a frying pan!!

They must know I like to eat!

An old building that looks pretty cool and sad all at the same time.

Believe it or not, this place is beautiful. I wish that I had've brought my camera. 

I'm going to try and take some more pictures before we leave. 

**fingers crossed**

Look at the mountains here!! They're so small!

 They aren't really any BIG mountains. But technically it's rock.

And they are every where!

Guess what else???
Missouri is home of the 
THE WORLD'S LARGEST FORK.  

(35' tall)
I bet that chicken boy could use a fork this big.

(That's Ashley on the right.)
She's the lady that works with me. 
She's fun and I think you'd like her.

This is a mural someone painted on the drain cover. I thought it was cool.
I bet Carson wishes we'd let him sit like that at the table.

There is a donut place in town called "Hurt's Donuts".

They fixed up an ambulance and made it their delivery truck.

Down the side it says "Emergency Donut Vehicle".

That was pretty clever!

I bet you wish that it would deliver to you, huh? 

Some friendly mutts! They wagged their tails for you.

Ashley and I decided to go roller skating.

Imagine our surprise when we got to the lot and found that they had just torn it down. 

(Sigh)

Don't worry-

We found another one!

We're pretty cute, huh? That Ashley has been a LOT of fun! I am glad that she is silly too.

I know that the last few days have been hard for you all. I am so proud of your strength and courage and making it through. Sometimes it's hard to be happy when we have something to be sad about. 

But Ecclesiastes 8:15 says: "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be GLAD. Then JOY will accompany them in their toil all the days of their life God has given them under the sun."

Even when we're sad we can still find things to distract us and make us laugh. 

We only need to look around. 

You're also not allowed to stop being silly.

It's a pretty handy tool when you need a pick me up! 

I'm glad that God sent Rachel and Kaitlin your way to help keep you company.

The good news is, I will be there chewing on your cheeks and popping your toes before you know it. 

You can go ahead and give Daddy all of your snuggles. 

I'm pretty sure that I've got enough to go around for all of us when I get home!

I love you ALL so much.

(SQUISH)

Love, Mom (and the wife)

A new profile and the gist of the blog...

So, I really thought this blog was just a bi-product or a means to fulfill a commitment that I made to share my testimony for a year. (You can read more about that here.) However, that year has come and gone and this blog has become such a tool for me in my faith. You know how you want that first testimony to mean something? -To be useable? Well, I prayed that mine would be too.

When I started looking for more ways to have a testimony to share; it made me more serious about looking for God. Things started changing. My testimony started meaning something to me and my faith began to BURST!

It's like the scripture states in Psalm 119:130: The Unfolding of your words gives light. It gives understanding to the simple. I was already journaling and trying to read my bible more. I also started learning how to pray. When I wrote, it was a matter of blending all of those little pieces together on paper. The more I wrote and sought; the more satisfied I became with HIS answers alone. -But then the more that I also found myself questioning WHO I am or have been. 

Aside from being a wife, a mother, an employee, volunteer, church member, daughter, etc... What other labels do I use to define me? Sinner? Post abortive mother? ...A little bit goofy. -Sometimes condemning or legalistic but also creative and genuine and empathetic. 

What about my beliefs? How many of those are mine or did I just apply without question???

This might seem like a strange analogy but I think about a snake as I slough off all of my labels and shed that skin to find what it is that's underneath. I am okay with what others see because I know that there is something better inside. It is the heart of who God created me to be. The words that you see are just little droplets that spill over as I let God wash off everything else that was just attached.

In just as much as I want to know him and my truest self; I also hope that whatever it is that others see encourages someone else to go deeper themselves.

Thank you for stopping by and many, many blessings to you!

Love,
Reggie

Seeing God's Hand

Regularly when we all sit down to dinner at night, each of us take turns talking about our day. Of course the kids quickly grew tired of volunteering this information and so we had to start asking them questions. And as if we're mastering new levels, the questions also had to keep changing and/or getting more specific.

We started with "What did you do today?" Until we began only getting "nothing" for the reply. Then we switched to "What was your highest and lowest point?"  Occasionally we would switch the words up and use "dumbest/silliest" or "happiest/most boring" instead. Yes, I know, we're terribly wild. 

This method worked for a while, until they grew bored and then began giving the same answer(s) every day. "Lunch" was the highest, silliest, and most meaningful. While "work" or "homework" or even "you asking this question" became the standard response to the most boring... sigh.

Now, as if our conversation is "New and improved" we're onto the level of specific questions. "Did you do jumping jacks in P.E.?" "Did you paint today in art?" "Did you have library today or computer lab?" "What did you eat for lunch?" "Did you play with Peyton and Charlie or Isabella and Isaiah?" Of course I don't ask all of those. -Even I know that there are limits. I only pick one or two depending on their routines. And if your children are older than mine, I'm sure that you have found a whole slew of higher levels of questions.

Anyway, I'm on a trip and it's kind of an unusual circumstance for our house. We were all a little sad about being apart. :( I thought a story might give them something to look forward too. -Particularly at bedtime when everyone wants to snuggle. So, I documented my first day with pictures that I thought that they would like. I formed it into a story and shared a particular highlight toward the end.

In replaying the events, I thought about how; often the highest points of my day are when I feel close to God. He appears in many forms; through conviction, sometimes in kindness of others or even the kindness that he asks me to display. Many times I sense him when speaking to my children. -As if every word that leaves my lips is also what he is saying to me. Other times, it's in nature or just simple scenes throughout the day. (Like in that story; the conversation with the little boy and then the picture of the hole in the sky...) I wish that I knew better how to describe it but in each of those times and in so many others, there is a sudden nearness that I feel in that moment. I am moved.

While I look for and experience those encounters often, I seldom share the details. I don't know if I am too busy or if I just tell myself that they, being so small, can't understand- But for some reason, I just haven't really thought to practice this kind of dialogue. Heck, it was almost an epiphany when a friend said that she read devotions with her kids at night in addition to prayers. I'm not really sure why that didn't occur to me either but it didn't.

I thought about how long it took me to ever start Experiencing God myself. I wondered if and/or how often my children or even my husband feel his presence. Sophie and I have had a few conversations and I do believe that she already has a certain spirituality about her- But in the day-to-day what does HE look like to them? And then it hit me... I should be talking with my children daily or as a family regularly about what his hand looks like.

Perhaps by my looking with the intention of sharing; I will also start being even MORE intentional about looking for him myself. After all, if I don't start talking to them now, how long would it take them to start noticing what his hand looks like? And how many times have I, myself, wished that I had only known how to recognize him sooner?

Maybe time will allow me to post more of the little glimpses between some of the larger posts. **fingers crossed**

If you like this idea but are intimidated by not quite being sure yourself. I encourage you to start. Offer God a prayer and ask him to open your eyes and heart. As it states in John 11:40 "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the Glory of God." God is faithful but it will take your desire and your practice. I too get things wrong. If you're just starting out you can always say "I think it was is this or that".  If you do get it wrong, you can also go back and admit that. How much more comfortable will our children be with their mistakes when they see how we can also learn from them.  

P.S. I am praying the same prayer with you now. Won't you do the same for me?

A Bedtime Story | Springfield, MO

For readers: Without sharing all of the details. We've had a small temporary change around our house and I wanted a little special something for the family. I thought a bedtime story might to do the trick. I hope you don't mind. :)

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A Bedtime Story

I didn't think to take pictures until I got inside. 

I thought you might like to see some of what I saw since you couldn't come. 

They were doing construction on the runway. Look at the really big dirt piles in the back.

This is the little truck that carries the luggage. It looks kind of like a train, huh?

The picture below is the hanger. 

(Where the planes sleep or gets worked on.)

I wish I could have gotten closer.

The fuel truck.

This lady is called a Stewardess. She is talking on a telephone and we can hear it through the speakers on the plane.

 (Kind of like when your principal calls your teacher in the class room.)

She is telling all of the people on the plane how to be safe. 

If Daddy can zoom in, you can see all of the controls on the plane's dash.

Here is a safety book with all kinds of info about the plane.

This picture made me laugh a lot and it's probably more for adults. 

It tells everyone how to leave the plane.  

(I like how they tell you to be calm but then they show pictures of stick figures running and jumping.)

I didn't get to sit next to the window but the lady next to me didn't mind me reaching over her to take a picture.

This is what the top of the clouds look like from a plane.

I ate at a place called the Grind House in the airport. It was okay.

They had a funny picture with robots painted on the wall. 

All of these TV's have a list of all of the flights. 

I don't know if you can make out the white rows but each row is a flight. 

There are a LOT of them.

OOH -Here's a plane coming in and one taking off!

WELL, Can you believe it Sophie???

It is a PURPLE plane!

Time for me to board again.  I'll go through the door on the left.

I think that's my pilot on the right.

But then it started raining and so we had to wait on the plane a while.

They had a magazine with these two picture finds in them. 

They both use the same legend.

I thought you both might like them. 

Maybe one night this week you guys can do them with Daddy. 

Probably not tonight though, I bet it's late. 

Kids if your Dad said no, it means no. You'll have plenty of time this week. 

Here is the stewardess on this flight. She's pushing a cart with drinks and snacks.

I had water but I saved the pretzels for you. 

 And remember how you could see the controls that the Pilot uses? 

When the plane starts moving, they close the door. 

A seat unfolds from the back of the door for the stewardess to sit in.

Pay no attention to her expression. She was really nice the whole time. 

The ride was kind of bumpy and sometimes that makes people look like they're focused on something.

I wanted to wait for a smiling picture but felt kind of silly spying on her. :)

There was a really cute little boy on the plane. He was around 3 or 4. He was so excited to fly. I bought a little toy plane for Jackson from the gift shop. (And something for you too don't worry.)  When we had to wait to take off, the little boy started getting restless. I thought about giving him the toy plane to distract him. 

Then I thought that maybe I should wait until he got really upset. He might be happier to see it then. So, I waited. But he never did. When the plane landed, he was so happy and telling his mom all about flying. It was really cute. I still felt the nudge to give him the plane. So I did. (Don't worry, I will get Jackson another one.)

The little boy was SO excited. But what was really cool was when his Daddy said that his son had seen the exact plane in the airport and he really, REALLY wanted one. They just couldn't get it right then. His daddy said me giving that plane to the little boy was "a God thing!"

His Daddy was right. The Lord knows the desires of our hearts, (yours too). And sometimes he will ask us to do little things that don't mean much to you and I (like sharing a little plane) in order to make someone else really happy.  

I started to cry a little. I know you're not surprised. :)

It made my heart happy. I sure hope Jackson likes his plane as much as this little boy does. 

I wish you all were here.

My suitcase didn't arrive with me at the airport. I had an hour and a half for it to come in on another plane. So I walked around for a little while. The airport here has a lot of art work on the walls to display.  So, I thought I'd take some pictures for you.

This one made me think you Ethan. It's called Dancing Turtles by Mary Alice Alday

These two pretty birds didn't have a name but they were painted by Janene Moser.

Out of the blue by Mary Alice Alday

Bob's Pear by Nancy Dornan

A Fencepost with Daisies

Common Yellow Throat Sings by Carol Snyder

I walked outside to wait. It was so nice and cool.
There were birds singing and talking everywhere. 

One was so loud he sounded like he had a microphone. It made me giggle.

Jackson would've loved it.

The sky looked just like this and I love it. It kind of looks like there is a tiny hole in the sky and heaven is pouring in.

 

Then I thought that since I had so much time, I could make your story.
But I had to come back inside because my phone was dead and I needed to charge it to get the pictures.

So, I sat at this table and typed it up.

And just enough time has passed that I can go and get my suitcase now. :)

Here's me blowing a kiss goodnight.

But it looks like I have a mustache when I let it go.

We'd better cover that back up. haha. 

 

Your mama is so silly.

I love you a lot and your Daddy does too! So roll over and give him a big hug and a kiss and tell him how wonderful he is. Then give him another smooch and hug from me. Then give him another one because it's funny. It's Daddy's turn now.... haha

I'll pray that the hole in heaven is washing over you while you sleep, giving you good dreams and tucking you in. Maybe you can dream about a rock star yellow throat (bird) with a microphone. He's having a concert on a purple jet filled with a bunch of dancing turtles. ...but, you can finish the story while you sleep.

I love you all a lot.

Good night.

P.S. I don't know if I can make another story while I am away. If I can, I will. Your daddy will be glad to show you this one again though but maybe another night. I love you some (LOTS) more. 

I Gave Facebook The Boot!

So Sunday, I finally deactivated my Facebook account. No warning. No shout out. I've had enough. Click, click, Kick! Whew!

I haven't missed it.

Of course the first thing that I wanted to do when I deactivated it, was post about FINALLY doing it! I let that confirm my decision.

I wish that I had of done it sooner!

When my sister in law first asked me to set up a Facebook account a few years ago, I thought she was crazy. I thought Facebookers were crazy. What on earth is the point of the program? I gave it a good go and then deactivated my account finding it pretty useless.

Until I remembered that there was someone that I was trying to find. That story is for another day but I thought maybe he would be looking for me too. So, I reactivated it. (Yes, you can do that.)

Then somehow I seemed to get the hang of it. Maybe it was by practice...?!  **insert gasp**

If I bought tomatoes you knew about it. You were able to witness [in.real.time] just how cute my kids are because I was always posting pictures. Before I knew it, I couldn't put it down.

Even though I thought it was ridiculous.

Last year, I deleted the app on my phone so that I wasn't tempted to press the button. -Not that I needed Facebook that badly but it was a mindless activity. My thumb was clicking the button when I wasn't even trying to read it. I would go to look up a contact and find myself on Facebook anyway. grrrr.

So the app went.

I thought again about ditching Facebook altogether but by this point, I was helping out with our church page(s). I've also started leading some studies on my own. How else would I get the word out? After all, wasn't this important? **insert light-hearted sarcasm here**

So, I made myself some rules, like "I will only do this once a day" or "only on this day of the week". I even scheduled posts so that I wouldn't have to log on but then something would have to get cancelled or suddenly posted and the ball was back in my court. -Of course it wasn't in my "allowed time".

[Brief insert with regard to scheduling: This reminds me of the verse: Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Isn't that the truth?!]

Anyway, I became pretty good at not reading the news feeds and not commenting or liking everything that I saw but then a little voice started pestering me. "You know your friends think you're stuck up because you don't comment on their posts or like their things..." Seriously???

Seriously.

Or when I did post; I felt like I couldn't articulate what should've been a quick reply. I either spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to put it out there or I was irritated by what I should've said instead. For me, is just became the Devil's Playground. If I wasn't frustrated by something related to Facebook, I was wasting completely perfect, coveted time to be living instead.

Then I started noticing that on the days that I didn't have Facebook, there was a greater sense of peace. At night, I didn't feel as tired or agitated.

[Another Insert: This also makes me think about studies that talk about the different nutritional values in food. Now forgive me but I am terrible with remembering cites and it's been a while since I've heard it but- Maybe it was Jamie Oliver, Joyce Meyer or Lysa Terkeurst or someone else altogether that said when we rush through eating we aren't satisfied because there is more to eating than just filling our bellies. AND that when we eat "junk" instead of real food we're also unsatisfied. 

Fast Food, Junk Food, Man Made food are all substitutes with little or no nutritional value. So, we're still left craving the real thing. Our obesity stems from not satisfying what we really desire so we continue to consume... if we continue to fill the void with junk, we just get bigger and hungrier. Not satisfied. 

Just pause and let that sink in for a moment.

I just can't help but think that the same thing applies to Facebook (Social Media) and relationships. It seems mindless. Harmless. Fast. I think it was designed as a message tool. -A way to get to know and reach out or reconnect. Yet it is quickly becoming a substitute for the actual connection instead of just a means to establish it. Social Media is man made collection of relationships. Godly relationships have so much more to offer and there is so much more to friendship than only seeing what people share and commenting on it. But this is taking the tangent in another direction and so I will wrap up this bunny trail by saying next-

I have simply found myself craving tangible instead of visible. Real Books and handwritten letters. -Picked flowers and not pictures of them. A real kiss and a hug not my usual xoxo. I will no longer take a substitute!]

So, I started thinking about deactivating again and how that might hinder my methods to share anything. Facebook clearly has value there but when we become ruled by "our" plans and agendas or the means to obtain them; aren't we also taking back control and/or saying that God isn't capable?

BAM!-That is when I decided it was over.

Ironically, no matter how hard it was to follow my rules or schedules. Simply turning it off was SO much easier to manage. Just like when I quit smoking! I tried the patches and pills and lozenges. Yes, I even tried rules because for some strange reason I seem to like them. -But none of the modifications worked. I finally quit smoking when I went cold turkey over 5 years ago. I just had to cut it off. The same was true with Facebook.

It's just like the verse states in Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away.  It is easier to cut it off and throw it away than it is to try to ignore the Band-Aid. You'll just keep picking at it.

Please do not interpret this as saying that Facebook is a sin. This post is about how it caused me to stumble. I was always stooping to it. I needed to cut it off. You can replace the word "Facebook" with any habit that you or I have.

I didn't give a warning. I just followed the instructions. I did happen to have a lot of alternate contact information for my friends. You might want to collect some of it first if you're also considering the boot. 

It has only been a week but I am SO relieved! At first my thumb tried to wander into email or safari but when there was nothing there we moved on. Now even my thumb seems to be happily adjusting. 

After I deactivated the account, I saw two other comments on similar stories that I also wanted to include. 

The first was a reference to an old saying in this blog. "If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy." I'd like to add that if you're not busy doing the devil will keep you so distracted with something that you're not listening to God or yourself or the peace and quiet.

The second comment was from this post. "The internet age may try to sell you something different, but don’t ever forget that viral is closely associated with sickness — and focusing on numbers can make you nauseated." WOW! What a great statement! What numbers have you been watching? 

And with that, I will end with a scripture! Psalm 34:14 says Seek Peace and Pursue it! Sometimes the decisions that we make aren't about "Good" or "Bad". It's about whether or not you have peace or is it bearing fruit?  You and I can do hard things and have peace so don't confuse "easy" with peaceful. There is a difference. Pursue peace in whatever form that comes! For me, I seldom had peace with this subject. It always bothered me. Maybe it was simply my motives in approaching it...?

If you disagree and think that I should've continued sharing my posts, I do thank you. Let me suggest instead that maybe you'll be the one to share them? -Or even better, maybe this is an opportunity for you to share how God is working in your own life. I'm certain that he will bless you for it. :)

Many Blessings to you and yours!

P.S. The original picture was borrowed from: http://getkickinlife.blogspot.com/ and then tweaked a little.


**Update 12/5/15 - I made it a year and a half and ended up reactivating it so that I could use the groups in study. haha.

Consumption | Notes

So for a while now I've been feeling like I should give up alcohol. I have simply been reluctant.  I've never tolerated liquor well so that wasn't an issue for me. I was always a beer girl. I genuinely like it for the taste. -ice.cold.beer. on a hot summer day? Yes, please.

For most of my drinking life a couple of beers here and there or at a special event was enough. However, the summer before I became pregnant with Sophie. Work was intense. I'd just come home in the evening and think that I just needed something to take the edge off. "To unwind". The next thing I knew I was happier drinking than eating. It became easy for me to consume a six pack a night all by myself. I'd stumble to bed. Pass out and then repeat the same pattern the next day.

Thankfully, I became pregnant with Miss Priss and I had to cut that off. As it turns out I had developed a wheat allergy between Ethan and Sophie and most beer contains wheat. After Sophie, I became more aware of my sensitivity to it.  The wheat free brands are pretty disgusting. So, that made it easier to reduce the amount of beer that I consumed but I missed it. I guess that the depth of my grievance over it should've been a sign that I had some sort of problem. -Even if I didn't show all of the signs.

Instead- and as ridiculous as this sounds; I forced myself to find a wine I liked instead.  It actually took a lot of practice. I tried many that I didn't like in order to find ones that I did... As it turns out, I only seem to like French ones. Before I knew it I had a new staple. I didn't drink every day or anything like that but when I needed to unwind, I had a new "go to"...

Somewhere in there, I was getting the idea that God might not want me to drink something or at sometimes but it's kind of easy to shrug that off when we want to justify our own behaviors and habits. Just as I started to document some of these little things I thought that God was telling me; I finally found a set of wine glasses that I really liked. -and I DO have a thing for pretty dishes! Of course it's only fun to have them if I use them. So, I hung onto my new habit just a little bit longer.

Now here it is years later. I've carried these notes around various places. I have finally compiled them last year thinking that if I put them on the blog, the next time that I was tempted, I could pull up the list and remind myself.... Boy was I surprised at how much my notes added up to! I never published them on the blog because it was just a list and I felt like I needed to offer something more with it but I just wasn't sure what that was... In hindsight, maybe the post was missing my struggle.

So, instead I made a few rules to "only have a glass or two" or "only at family dinner". Only to regret and grieve over it again later... 

Then it started keeping me up at night...

It's a funny thing; I've wrestled with admitting it because I didn't want to talk about it. I've decided recently that I really need to move forward. God has shown me so many times that my obedience won't always make sense but he is faithful to help me understand it later. Last night, I refused a glass of wine like so many times before and instead of talking about God, I simply said it's been keeping me up at night.

I know this will sound really condemning. I just don't know how to word it as I mull it over. This morning, I thought about Peter. God asked him 3 times if he loved him. (How many times must he ask me to put down booze?) And Peter was the same one to deny him. Here I am telling people that my change is because of sleep instead of God. I wonder if all of this time, it's been such a struggle because I just haven't been truthful about the work that God is doing in this area. I just wasn't ready to admit that God wanted me to let it go. So, in all of my other excuses, I couldn't fight it successfully because I wasn't open about it. Of course I am still trying to figure this out and so my answer would also be pretty loaded... My reference to sleep just sounded... simpler.

Thankfully, just this morning I see the verse in James 5:16 that says if we confess our sins to God and to others and pray over each other then we can be healed. I just feel ready to admit this current weakness. I feel strong enough to say, I just don't have all of the answers. This is where I am and what I am figuring out and won't you pray with me!? Please and thank you.  Here are some of those nifty little notes below.  (This is one of the many reasons that I support journaling. It's easy to shrug one or two off but seeing them all together makes a completely different statement.)


The List

• I feel a lot of conviction about being a leader. I frequently run across verses, articles, books about leadership. I am not sure where all that applies. Maybe it's only in my role of motherhood or my position at work, in the church or just alongside a friend.  It doesn't matter where; I am starting to really pay attention to all of those promptings. So you will see a few references to leadership in here. The first is, Proverbs 31:4 “It is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer.” The commentary says that "Leaders have better things to do than anesthetize themselves with alcohol.
• 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  "Buzzing or Drunkenness" is not sober-minded. I would also like to add that in some forms of alcohol, I have found myself foggy headed for days after. -Not drunk but just unable to think clearly or concentrate. I believe that to be related to food allergies or chemical properties in some alcohol. (Also consider sobriety in terms of drugs use and even from a lack of sleep. )
• Is what I am doing a stumbling block to anyone else? Is it confusing to others?
• Some alcohol interferes with my sleep. It might have helped me pass out at first but it will not keep me asleep and I usually wake up feeling unrested.
• Being drunk weakens your defenses and affects your decisions. It makes us less reliable.
• Romans 12:1 "Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice".
• I also had a note by Judges 13 about Sampson being a Nazarite (Man of God). He was not to have alcohol or fermented drink. I am not sure that I could articulate this well and nor am I sure how long I've had a note about Sampson in chapter 13. Yet just this week a homework assignment led me to  answer this question. "Read Judges 16:51-21 - What resulted from Sampson's lack of self discipline?" My answer was that he lost his power and gift.  Immediately this area of my life came to mind. My lack of discipline with alcohol and or any/sin and this blog as my gift. Imagine my surprise when I came back to add it only to see a comment about Sampson already noted...  Maybe there is more to this.
• Proverbs 23 has several verses see "saying 16" and "saying 19". I had a note about "Disciples don't drink." But that is not from that verse or commentary. I am not sure why I had it there.
• If I drink too much alcohol, I feel puffy and bloated.
• Ephesians 5:18 says "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery" My commentary on that verse says "Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary "high," to being filled with the spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ we have better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony or tension. I love this part; We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but how much of us the Holy Spirit has."
• This is a big one- Feeling like I have to repent after!  If I wasn't doing anything wrong, why would I feel so much conviction about repentance? -Granted a lot of that might be about my motives or timing that led me to drinking.
• I have found myself disappointed to listen to other people that were drunk. Not even necessarily because they were violent or foul. It just wasn't the same or as attractive as listening to someone who was sober or themselves. I don't ever want my children to feel that way about me EVER.
• Recently following my own rules, I got wasted on 2 glasses of wine. -To the point that I don't even remember most of the evening. It wasn't intentional. I actually don't enjoy being drunk. This is just a reminder that we can't rely on rules or our plans or intentions.
• Health benefits. Moderation of alcohol. Paul to Timothy about being careful about not drinking too much. In his location there was poor water quality. Red Wine was believed to help clear out intestinal issues.  Even now, wine is believed to certain benefits if it is consumed within moderation (regarding cardiovascular, cancer and aging benefits.) I do understand that there are occasional pros...
• Matthew 6:33 says to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." Do you know how many times after a bad day, I would go to the fridge and open the door only to hear that verse whispered to my heart? The same is true for binging on chocolate or shopping when I needed a pick me up! God has the strength to meet all of our needs if we just go to HIM first.
• My sudden embarrassment about the idea of being caught in a picture with a beer in my hand or a glass of wine.  Especially, then posted to Facebook or something. There was a time when none of those things mattered to me but somehow it has become a new awareness....
• Psalm 4:7 says You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. True!
• Romans 14  is a great chapter. If you're confused about sin and why some can do this and why some can't do that, read this passage.
• Choosing not to do what you feel led to do becomes disobedience and that makes you less sensitive to the holy spirit.

Update 10/2/14

• A few weeks after this post, I asked God why on earth I needed to stop drinking, if I didn't believe that I had a real problem. Immediately, I received my most convicting thought. What if none of this is really about me? What if one of my children ends up struggling with a true problem in this area when they are older. Not necessarily because I drank but because they were exposed to it, they developed their own relationship with it too early on. I thought of my children and their response to it and to me when I drink. Immediately, I felt my decision complete itself and the desire to drink left me. I can tell you that since that moment, I have no longer grieved any part of this. Having the right conviction in my heart took me off the fence and put all of me on one side of that decision.

Update 8/26/2015 - I am proud to say that as of 7/21/2015 I have been sober for one year and counting!

This is all that I have for now. All of my posts are subject to more editing so there may be more to this later. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope it also speaks to you. :)

Beige or White

This morning while I was in the shower, I pulled back the curtain and started scrubbing the edge where you step over into it. I was surprised to see how dirty it had gotten. It seems that the dust and humidity united into a film over the tile. It has been easy to not notice the accumulation, since the tile is beige. It blended right in and it's not at eye level. It wasn't until I started scrubbing that I was able to see how much lighter the true color of the tile really was. I was more surprised to see that there were even flecks of white.

As I watched the subtle transformation, it reminded me of the discovery of our sins. Like dust, we seldom see the sin around us. It often blends right in to our every day.  In fact before we come to Christ there are usually so many things that we never truly even see as sin or even an offense. The thing is so common to us in media, society, in our own thoughts, amongst our peers and to the world that 'it' might seem like dust on beige. The offenses aren't always dirty enough to be an obvious contrast.

In our willingness to either look at God or deal with our "big sin" we often become more aware of some of the smaller offenses. We become able to see how much we are still so covered with sin, but God reveals it in a way that we are able to see the purity and beauty that we are truly made with underneath. It encourages us to to go deeper and to dig more. It makes us less afraid to look at some of the old stuff while we're discovering the new. 

And just like that film developed on the ledge, our hearts are susceptible in the same way. While it is God that purifies; our obedience is the application. When God prompts us, if we turn away, a similar film develops and our hearts also become hardened. Where as if we allow him to work, we begin to see or we can continue the restoration.

While I want to say that nothing feels as good as being clean, I'd rather say nothing feels as refreshing as being visible. Exposed. Being able to stand before God all flaws and gifts together in one offering.

In Psalm 51 David began feeling the consequences of his sin with Bathsheba.  David prayed and asked God to give him a pure heart. He repented of the sins that he knew that he had committed but prayed for a deeper restoration. It wasn't just lip service, he desired the change. What do you ask for when you pray? Is it to change your circumstance or to change you? Is it to fix the problem or reveal God?

Or what about our pool of faith? How many of us step in every day but instead of seeing a difference it too seems dull or beige. Having faith is not so much about scrubbing ourselves to be clean. But in order to see a transformation, there is a willingness and a discipline and a desire that must be applied.

If you struggle with any of those three, take a moment to talk to God about that. Read David's prayer and offer a similar one of your own. Ask God to help you change your heart. In time, you too might find yourself having devotion, even in mundane little tasks like scrubbing the shower. No books or pens necessary.

Blessings to you friend!