Check-In

I have felt such a wrestle most of this year about blogging. (Which is a good thing, hopefully it keeps me out of hot water.)  By the end of the summer, the inner conflict was going to a whole new level. I believe a lot of that conflict though is tied to the process of me meditating on his word in writing it out. Not just in how I present anything to anyone but also in what the Lord is working on in me.

As if I wouldn't write as much if I weren't blogging. As if I wouldn't think as much about my walk with God if I weren't writing. I think the conflict is hardest because I truly believe that I am in some ways going through a ‘parting of self’. I wish I knew how to explain that better. Maybe 'spiritual realignment' is still the most accurate term. I feel like old things are finally leaving and new things are coming in.  

However, because of all of that, I am coming up on some transitions and for the sake of time, it will just be easier to list them here. 

1. I believe that I have had a personal breakthrough just this month in my own walk with Christ. One that may or may not have been related to upbringing or church back ground.  I am not sure yet. I am still trying to figure it out. For me it is pretty big though.

2. Because of the above and because of my own hunger for the word, I want to lead bible study classes. I am still praying about the details. It would be nothing more than you, me and our bibles. –Let’s talk it out. (Interestingly enough there is a testimony here too.  I stopped facilitating classes in our Women's Ministry last year because I felt like God wanted to get some things right with me (no specifics at the time). I also did not feel that I was necessarily a "Leader". Now I want to get into the word and if that means I lead others at the same time, then I am pretty good with that!)

3. I am considering facilitating Bible Study for women outside of church, so that I can be more available to the nursery/toddler ministry inside the church….  –Yes, I know, it makes no sense to me either. I think the time will be mid-day (like a working mom's lunch hour.)  The kids will be in school and so no one will have to worry about sitters. I expect that everyone will arrive late and leave early since it's over a lunch break. That is perfect!  Come when you can. More to come...

4. Initially, I started blogging, not realizing what or why I was writing. Discovering that it was mostly testimony and getting myself comfortable talking about God in my daily life. Then later it became a tool that drove me to dig deeper. I committed to writing for a year. My year is almost up. I believe that I still have quite a few posts to sort through and so I will be writing in December. I am not sure if it will go farther than that. I do love the format of a webpage for documenting but I really write more for me than others.

5. I am considering still blogging but no longer sharing on Facebook. 

     * Mostly because I want to study more but ironically that makes me want to write.

     * Second, I really don’t think Facebook has a place in my life. I don’t know what that means for the Faith Unfolding Facebook page. Originally that was only created so that people that didn’t know me, could contact me without seeing pictures of my kids. It could still be used to share bible study information and some blog posts. However, I have an email address (faithunfoldingblog@gmail.com) so… maybe that FB page isn’t necessary at all! (I did temporarily delete the page but brought it back up because I committed to sharing it for a year and the year wasn't up yet). If you want to sign up for class information, shoot me an email.

      * Not only that but I still change a lot of posts after I publish them.  Ironically, I think that’s God’s way of making me become comfortable with ‘being a work in progress’. Anyway, I don’t want to advertise that one is up, since there’s a pretty good chance that a mediocre post will be ‘awesomer’ in 3 days!  Yes, I said that on purpose! J

 * Who knows, I may even stop blogging altogether. This might have already served its purpose…  I believe that it contributed to a significant change in my life and maybe that was all that was needed.

So, things all seem to be slightly changing direction again. I kind of like not knowing the specifics. What a huge growth spurt, I think that I am going through. I only wish that I had more time to really spell it all out. In his time, I know that all of the answers will come. I hate to pull the rug out from underneath you just when I think that things are starting to get good!  I guess you’ll just have to follow along to see what happens.  –Oh and get your bibles just in case.

Thank you for all of the prayers. I also pray for each of us and when you’re praying too, not only does it unite us but Matthew 18:20 always makes me think that united prayer is more powerful. -So really, thank you!

Have a beautiful 2013 (and 2014 just in case!)

A Simple Marker

This is to mark a testimony that I do not have the words for just yet. 

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We all have a silent testimonies or significant moments in our own faith walk. 

(Like when we believe that the Lord was near to us 

or when we recognize that something was from God.)

I encourage you to begin finding markers for those significant moments in your own life.

Something that will serve as a reminder every time you see it. 

The rest of the world might not need to be able to identify it.

Just you, so that you will remember what the Lord has done. 

Then you can rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalm 118:23-24

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If this marker represents and a significant experience, I encourage you to take a moment to write down all of the details surrounding it. If you can't finish it, God may have more to show you with it or maybe it's not his time. Writing it down will help you with all of the details, should you need to share it later. 

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. - Revelation 12:11

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Meanwhile, I will pray about the discovery and care of our collections.

Into the water | Devotion

A co-worker took this picture and had the image on his phone. At first glance, it pierced my heart. My eyes began to sting as so much was being said. Yet there were no audible words.  Days have gone by and I continue staring at this picture. Still consoled and still stirred.

Background details

This picture was taken after church one Sunday. The little girl and her family had become separated. She was on a long sand bar and was not supposed to get wet. Her family adamantly began calling for her to come back to them. She chose the path that seemed, to her, the shortest distance.

My observation(s)

1. She is not concerned with what may be the best route or what she is wearing or how deep she is getting. What risks might be involved.
2. Nor is she looking back. The destination is more important than where she has been.
3. She has a mission and a plan to get there. She is serious about where she is going.
4. She is not stopping to consider the opinions of others that are watching or what they might be saying.
5. The only view is of her and the movement of her getting to where she is going.
6. “Farther away” or “Closer to” depends on who you might ask.
7. This is an ordinary thing but the Holy Spirit used it anyway.  

He calls

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,“
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
-Isaiah 43:1-2

Our response

"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. - Mathews 18:3

Application Questions

God is calling. Do I jump in and go? Am I delaying by considering the options, consulting with others, calculating distance? Or am I somewhere in the middle stagnant or still on dry land…?

Is there anyone else that I hear calling aside from him? How does that affect my mission?

Do I accept ownership of the fact that I share his name? (See verse 7). I am a part of him. I should respond and continue moving in his direction.

Do I alienate others with in my own walk or draw others in?

If someone were following me, would it change my response?

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, how blessed are we that you never stop calling and at any time we can come to you. You have no unacceptable methods. When our heart decides, we can just move forward. As it says in James 4:8 when we come near to you, you also come near to us. There are times in each of our lives when we must walk alone to find you. No matter where we are in our journey, help us each know and feel your response as you are also drawing closer. There is no greater peace than the one that is provided in your presence. There is no greater love than the one that transcends from the heavens. There is no greater relationship than the one that we can have with you. For thine is the kingdom, power and glory, forever and ever amen.

Who is our testimony for?

The “oh so small” book of Philemon (1 chapter) is actually a letter written from Paul to Philemon. The letter is mostly about a slave and friend name Onesimus. Paul also thanks Philemon for his work in the faith and church. As I read the passage, verses 4-7 stand out to me more than the others.

4 I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, 5 because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all of the saints. 6 I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing that we have in Christ. 7 Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints. –Philemon 1:4-7

Did you catch that??? Let’s read verse 6 again.  “I pray that YOU may be active in sharing YOUR faith, so that YOU will have a full understanding of every good thing that we have in Christ.” Our testimony isn’t just for the benefit of someone else. Our testimony is for ourselves! Our testimony is for OUR OWN benefit.

As I thought about what to say in this post, I started looking for the picture to go with it. When I found the one below, it wasn’t exactly what I was going for. It’s kind of corny. 

…but then again, I am corny.  So why not??

“A testimony is like a kiss… it has to be shared to be enjoyed.” -Seriously, doesn’t that picture in some ways just go right with that verse?

I can think about kissing my kids, my husband and all of you sweet little friends of mine. I just LOVE to grab both sides of your face, sniff your ear and nuzzle your hair. Then BAM plant a big hard kiss right on you. I might even chew on your face a little. Most of you fellas have missed out on this for the obvious 6’1 reason in my life. However, there are a lot of ladies that know what I am talking about and certainly my kids can confirm it.

I can be a total goofball. I am affectionate and personal. -Sometimes in your space and even a little creepy about it. You might feel awkward about my gushiness but it does MY OWN heart so much good to share my love for you, with you! I might get a chuckle or even some joy just out of the simple thought of doing so, but NOTHING compares to the satisfaction of actually doing it!

Our testimony is so much the same way! The bible repeatedly talks about the power of our words. Not just the power and life within them but Proverbs 16:24 says Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

HEALTH to the body. Isn’t that like fullness? –Therefore our “Full understanding”? To gain knowledge from his word. To experience the conviction and freedom from it.  To meditate on it. To apply it. Then to appreciate it’s transforming power. Not just to be thankful but to release that appreciation back into his earth!

I started sharing my own testimony last year.  The more that I have done so, the more that it just makes my heart burst open to God. Like a kiss, our testimony is personal. It comes in different forms and lengths. Sometimes it's awkward and it's not always received as sweetly by everyone. With practice, the words will become easier to share.

Concentration on all that he has done and is doing, makes the desire grow within. Not only to speak on the Lord's behalf but to also look for more reasons to do so. A testimony is an expression of love and one of gratitude. One that will satisfy your own heart, more than any other, to give. What a kiss to give unto the Lord!

To Radiate

Having a blog has been a great mixture of experiences for me.  It represents my testimony, study, prayer and my thoughts about where God is working in my life. For everything that you might see on the surface, there are so many other layers that run beneath.  I see how God is using it as a platform to change me, not just by what’s written but also by the process of having a blog.

Like a prayer journal, I write about what I read and where I struggle. It helps me to distinguish what’s him, what’s not, and how the pieces fit. I am learning to wait and by documenting the details in a journal form; it serves as a reminder that he is always with me. It reinforces my confidence in him, while sharing it publicly, changes my esteem.  I also notice that in ways I can’t connect, he’s changing my relationships and other things around me. Maybe it’s only my perspective that has become different. Regardless, there is a powerful change.

There are a lot of reasons that I probably shouldn’t put all of this out there so publicly. My grammar is the first and most obvious queue.  I am also terribly short on time and trying to get this together around a family and a job is a lot more work than it might seem.

Also, I do not have a deep background in doctrine and so I might post things incorrectly at times. In fact, I already have. Thankfully, most of those issues have a resolution and can be changed.  I also serve a God that promises to perfect his work in me in time (Psalm 138:8). …Seeing that makes me wonder why we ever fear anything else that is so temporary.

The Devil also knows all of my weakness though and how God is using this as such an incredible tool for me to be close to him and to change me. In so many ways, he (the Devil) tries to plant just as much death as God gives life. I can’t tell you how much I have struggled with whether or not I am even doing any good for the Kingdom when; if I am not talking about my flaws, I am presenting it in such a flawed way. 

This morning I am reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians 4:7. It says “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” I’ve read that verse for the last two weeks writing something entirely different. Today it strikes me, Jars of clay. His treasure is inside each one of us. When I flip back to the chapter, it simply ministers to my soul. The verse just before that says:  “For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.”

Don’t we try to cover up the brokenness in our lives? We pretend that we are perfect or a solid vessel. In doing so, we cover up his light; whether it’s in not being able to confess our sins to God, or in trying to keep a false appearance with others or in just being legalistic and working to be something better.

We are all broken… And at different phases in our life new cracks and blemishes may appear while others fade. His light is already inside of us and those cracks are opportunities to expose his light from different angles. There is heat and intensity that radiates through us and it then reaches others in a way that you and I could not do alone.

If I skip down to verse 12 it says that there is death and life at work in each of us.  There will always be something trying to snuff out our light.  If we allow that to be what moves us, we become swallowed up by darkness. No one may be able to see our weakness there but that protection is only bondage. Without his light, we are just vessels. We are never more beautiful or usable than we let his light shine from within, revealing all of our frailness.

When I let go and reveal who I am, God is able to work. He does it “THROUGH” us in a way that probably outshines any of our flaws. Allowing and admiring the light more than all that it might expose, is the life changing power of Glory! AMEN!

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Note to the reader: Not everyone needs to ‘blog’ but I do recommend a prayer journal. Just write letters to God or practice writing about your relationship in different ways. Also, I encourage you to read verses yourself and test what you hear or see. Definitely on this site but also with your preachers, friends, articles, etc.  There is nothing more accurate than the bible and nothing more authentic than your own relationship. The other methods are all just secondary.

Prayer: Thank you Father for your word. It IS always timely and personal and good. Open me up so much deeper so that YOU are the movement that is seen within me. Blind each of us with your Glory so that your power cannot be denied. Forgive us for the ways that we doubt the use of our brokenness. Forgive us for doubting that you are all powerful. You can do anything that you want to do when we simply hand over the pieces.  I am thankful that we do not have to have a blog or a process or a platform or even a phone or pen in order to have a relationship with you.  Prayer is available to each of us without other means. You desire to speak and we desire to hear.  Help us change the direction of our lives so that we are in the best position to listen and then be a witness to your glory.

To read more: Here’s the link to read the full chapter of today’s passage:  2 Corinthians 4. I also recommend reading the book of Galatians. Relax; it’s only a few chapters. 

A Quiver Of Arrows | Part 2

I sit in a hospital waiting room while my mother is having shoulder surgery. I watch a woman take a picture of herself eating a sub so that she can send it to her brother. They usually eat subs together while their parents are having surgery. Today it is her husband that is having a procedure. Her heart wishes her brother was there.

I see a father come in the room bringing a birthday gift for his daughter, an OR nurse. I am caught more by the way that he beams than I am by his thought or gift. What a blessing it is to be loved. To have someone to love. ... and to miss.

I laugh about the morning. I sat by my mother's bed after she had received a nerve block. She could not feel her entire arm. I take advantage of the situation and use her arm to wave at people in the hallway, then to scratch herself maybe even to flick me off and pick her nose. For a combination of reasons, she is defenseless and can't jerk away from my attacks. I am tickled. She is too, even if she is annoyed. I do the little piggies on her fingers.  I repeat another version that I've heard from my husband's great aunt. I know that this is becoming another story that will be retold.

...heritage.

I think of my last post about arrows. -About children. I've edited it a dozen times since it's been published. At first because I only spoke of wrongs I do as a mother. You may not know that I laughed as I wrote about the early years of parenting. I should have included my usual "haha" at the end of each paragraph. Then you'd know I wasn't taking myself too seriously. I've practically been obsessed with what I might need to do to fix the story. Something just felt off. ...it had such potential to be beautiful.

This morning I realize that it's not what I need to go back and correct. Mistakes are part of parenthood. It's the addition that still awaits us. There is more to say.

The first two lines of my verse (Psalm 127:3-5) are: Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

The generations of lives, I've watched touch each other in the hospital just this morning, reflect family, lineage, ...heritage. Coming from somewhere and belonging to someone. A knowing that no matter what two are better than one. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

How much my children make my heart burst open to the realization that I can love MORE. It outgrows my heart and becomes a giving of the soul and spirit. Not just at birth. Not just in a sleepy-eyed snuggle in the morning. Not just in witnessing them in their rarest and purest form(s). I love them more than I ever thought that I could love anyone or anything. But not just that-

Charles Dickens said “It is no small thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us. ”

Because they are fresh from God, they are not yet polluted with smut of the world, or stale words or false intentions. It's always sincere. Pure. Unconditional. Hopeful. Not waiting for an answer. Seeing their love reminds me of how much we (adults) confuse and misshape the gifts that we give others.  Their simplicity makes me realize that I can love others more and differently as well. Not only in my future path but those I am alongside or have left behind.

They a curious about life. Honest about what they see and still able to dream without hindrance. They forgive easily because they desire us more than the grudge or any thing.

They truly are a reward. Not because we deserve it, earned it or won it. Not even because we are (what you and I might deem) "worth it". They each are a blessing and a gift. ...because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

Click here to read Part 1

A Quiver Of Arrows | Part 1

My sister in law is expecting her first child soon. At her shower there was a neat activity using round gift tags (the kind with ribbons attached). Each person at the party would write a message on a tag (string side down). Then you arrange and mount each to the same piece of paper so that it looks like a bouquet of balloons. Of course, I wrote several of them. What kind of aunt would I be to only write one???  On one, I referenced the scripture Psalm 127: 3-5.

³ Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

    the fruit of the womb a reward.

⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior

    are the children of one’s youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame

when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

When I was asked about the verse, I read it. I wish that I could’ve been able to explain what that verse has come to mean to me on such a tiny little card.  Even when prompted, I couldn’t seem to muster up the words.

I will never forget coming home from the hospital with Ethan. I would just hold him and stare at him and cry. I was so moved just by looking at such a tiny and perfect incredible little being. I had never felt anything else in my life that could compare to that “gush of wonderfulness”.

Before birth, I was the one who wanted a child although I was afraid that I would have no idea what to do with a baby once ‘it’ got here. How much my position changed after his arrival! It wasn’t about me ‘getting’ a child. It was the humble and honorable experience of being ‘given’ a child. How or why would God give me such and incredible gift? How could he know that I would be so trustworthy? What had I ever done with my life to deserve that? …Tears and tears for this sweet, sweet little blessing.

Of course I felt that way again, when his sister and brother were born. –But as the first, he has been such a pioneer in his role as a child. Bless his heart for how much work he has to do and how much Ethan has had to suffer while shaping me into a parent. 

Like with the fact that he had acid reflux for the first year of his life and I simply didn’t know until his sister arrived and received her own diagnosis.  Of course, he was over it by then but he just had to tough the whole thing out. Then he had to wait for me to learn things like; which diaper rash creams burn the worst, when not to make a child ‘cry it out’ at bedtime and that after a long day with someone else, even an infant sometimes needs an hour to unwind when arriving home.

Hopefully, his role as a child hasn’t just made me a better parent but also a better woman. It wasn’t until he arrived that I committed to church because I didn’t know how I could help him love God and church, if we weren’t in it together.

It’s wasn’t until he was much older when some of his worst flares of temper and displays of attitude, reflected what he had seen from me. How quickly, I was convicted of my own behavior. How they speak so many layers to us when we open up our hearts to God and allow children to teach us.

It amazes me how much each of them reflect so many different things about me. Not just in temperament but in goofiness, in love, in sense of humor, etc. What a gauge to have in your presence every day! Yet, they are so much their own person and because of their differences, they have taught me different perspectives that I might not have ever considered without them. Oh, how I marvel at what they continue to add to my life!

This weekend I was with a sweet friend and in discussion about them, I had two little revelations about myself. One is that I have discovered since children that I am much more sensitive than I thought that I was.  I just didn't know how to navigate that very well and so I usually avoided it.  However, because they are so sensitive, I have found myself practicing sensitivity more often.

The other is that 3 kids equal a lot of chaos. There is a lot of dirt and there is always 3 different skill levels, 3 different pitch levels, 3 different directions, etc.  Having them together sometimes completely overwhelms my senses. For a while, I felt like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t master having them all together. Maybe it was my guilt for working and being away from them so much, but in trying to make the most of our time together, I think that I was trying to make something else happen instead.

I do "one on one" really well though. Now, instead of just making plans for the regular one on one time, I’m trying to create the habit of making the most of every opportunity when it presents itself. Whereas before when we were all free, I tried to squish us altogether.

Now, when Ethan runs to a friend’s house, I throw down the dishes and go find Sophie. If I head out to the store, I try to only take one child. When everyone except Ethan is asleep on Friday night, I go find him and we stay up late and snuggle. Jackson, being a baby, gets his time in. There have become many other little examples of this togetherness. Somehow those successes and making so many more of them, make any group defeat not quite so discouraging and even seeming to happen less often.

Of course that second bit was worded a little differently to my friend but as I said it that same verse that I’ve been thinking about all year, seemed to finally come together in my heart. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior. Children really are like arrows...

Many of you might not know that my husband likes to hunt.  Bow hunting has become a particular area of interest to him. So many times, I have watched him shave and mount the feathers on each arrow to adjust the way that they fly.  Then when he is finished, he spends time not only learning how to hold the arrow but also how to hold himself and the instruments that he is using between the two. You could imagine the success of him or the arrow, if he tried to shoot the whole quiver at one time. Instead, he picks up each arrow one by one.

Just like I said earlier that each child reflects characteristics and direction of myself; each arrow reflects the influence of the Archer. It’s not having a quiver of arrows that makes him a warrior. It’s the practice and the skill that is learned from being with each one, over and over again.

In haste we can send them in the wrong direction. With misuse we can make them dull or waste their strength. With neglect, they can become damaged or endanger someone else. Yet, for as small and fragile as they may be, it only takes one (that is properly released) to take the prize or defeat an army. I’m sure that the similarities go on and on…

Allowing God to use them to convict me, shapes me into someone that I was not before them. Parenting is not only about who we get to send off into the world, it’s also about who we can learn to become. …Warriors.

With each child, there is a new perspective, a new challenge, a new relationship, a new lesson and new love. I think to myself how “blessed” would I be had I allowed God to fill my quiver full of children, instead of trying to limit that number to only 3. That isn’t said to make anyone uncomfortable. It is just a thought that floats through me occasionally and this verse carries it back to the surface. Learning how to embrace each one has shaped (and is shaping) me so much. How much more would God be able to teach me, so that I could teach them.

Maybe it’s my Indian heritage or my simple love for the culture but when I think of the word “warrior” I always imagine a Chief with the full head dress. -The Leader. The Fighter. –Not only the wisdom, and vigor and courage that the position represents but the respect that it commands. If you are a warrior, even your enemies will respect and/or admire what you represent, even when you disagree. When something is done well, people will come out to see how it is that you do what you do. If we take time with our children, "He shall not be put to shame..."

For the first time ever, I almost feel glory in the scattered dishes and laundry and dirt that am letting linger longer than I used to. As I am starting to spend more time with them in the moment, the other things just fall aside. The once "messy house" represents my new "battlefield". The clutter and debris just represent that a more important action is taking place somewhere else. Hopefully, it's an action that involves a feather being mounted. -Not only to an arrow but also to the crown of a warrior.... 

Please continue on for part two.

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Note to the reader: I might have read that scripture at the beginning of the year. I might have thought about it enough times for it to touch me so that I could include it in a note at a baby shower. It wasn’t until I made a comment this weekend with my friend that it really convicted or solidified a personal meaning to me. 

So many times, when we sit to read the bible, we are looking for something that speaks to us right then. While that does happen, there are many passages that do not "bring a personal message" until much later. Do not be discouraged if you don't find something immediately. Keep reading. When something strikes you, even if you can't explain why, pray about it, think about it, and allow time to take as long as it needs to do it's work. Something might be taking shape in your life so that the meaning can unfold itself to you slowly.