I've got a testimony that I've been sitting on and I just need to come clean with it! Oddly enough, it's not a bad one. It's a great one! I've just been worried that it will come across like I am trying to boast about myself instead of glorifying God. But I don't
only want to talk about how I see God help me in the storm. I want to talk about those radical ah-has that got my attention!
In 2012 I shared my first testimony. In 2013 I changed my life to focus only on family and God. I also started writing as a bi-product of that. On a June day, I
posted a prayer. I felt strange as I did it but I had made a challenge for myself with God that I would accept every opportunity to pray out loud for a year in hopes to overcome my fear of doing it. I felt like this post was just another variation of that challenge. So, I accepted. One of the many lines of that prayer included "show me one new thing that I miss in my every other day".
It took me two weeks
to write about it but THAT VERY SAME DAY the motor in my 4Runner blew. It might not sound like such a great God testimony at first but hang in there.
ALL of the events of that day really spoke to me. I had such a feeling of his nearness. True joy &
true peace. A calmness, unlike me, that just covered me. Everyone that was involved seem to have the same phrase "
never seen that before" which just made me tune in that much more to my earlier prayer and what he might be doing. Little things also made me see how he provided during the storm.
As it turns out replacing/repairing the motor in that year 4Runner is double-triple what I anticipated it to be. We weren't in a position to buy a car or even fix this one. From the moment it broke, I knew that God was going to have to be involved in the solution. But he met my need along the way at every junction.
It actually took a few months for us to decide what to do. So August comes along. We still don't have any money. A relative offers to help but really can't do more than what the motor costs and the 4Runner needed more work before this issue. We're not sure which direction to go. We look for cars that might match that allowance but sadly, even though it's a lot of money
to me, we couldn't seem to find a vehicle that matched what we had to give.
I once heard Joyce Meyer talk about
a bracelet that she gave away. It was a foreign concept to me that God might want me to give up a "thing" that belong to me in order to make someone else happy [or even to give him glory]. I mean sure it's easy to give up old clothes and broken dishes especially when someone else needs them. But why would he want me to give up something I liked; something I loved and was even given or blessed with? I mean I did "earn" it, right?
Funny how we think that...
But something else that she said resonated with me even more. She said that God told her
"Once I tell you to give something away, it no longer belongs to you, and if you keep it after that, it will never give you joy"
I never considered myself to be a "things" kind of person. However,
some memories of my childhood were harder than others. We moved a lot and so we never kept anything.
We didn’t have much money and so what we did have was usually second hand if we
didn’t go without. -Not that there is
any shame in that
but because of that, a pair of diamond earrings that I had made me feel
special.
Not only that they were sentimental. I know that I received them as a blessing from God but I also received them from a person that I deeply love.
Then one day on my knees in prayer over this situation, I was considering things that I might have to sell. These earrings suddenly came to mind. It will sound ridiculous but I sat in my closet and sobbed. Not over having to get rid of things but it almost felt more like a sob of repentance for storing some kind of worth [maybe even my own] or value in things. The moment was brief and when it was over, I just knew that they had to go.
I tried to sell them but even with the rising cost of gold, I couldn't even get a third of what they were worth. Because they were special; what I was offered monetarily just wasn't enough to justify my getting rid of them even if it was just a contribution toward my issue.
But Malachi 3:10 just kept circling.
So again, in prayer I asked God what he was trying to get me to see. I just kept feeling like I needed to give them up for God. I remembered that story from Joyce. I thought about holding onto them and then possibly losing them later. Then I would be without the obedience and possibly still without the earrings. I can't explain the urgency that I felt but I needed to be free of them at once. Maybe because I simply didn't trust myself to not try to dictate who he wanted to have them.
So, I wrote two letters. One to my preacher and one to the "recipient" [if my preacher felt like it was appropriate]. The letter to my preacher contained my explanation and I am going to share one paragraph from it below:
"
I am in a real place of need now. Not just monetarily but spiritually and even physically. I want to be in alignment with God more than anything else. I feel like this was just one more stone that needed to be plucked loose. (pun intended) I am thankful that I don’t need “things” to feel special anymore. I am also thankful that much like the two coins, he accepts what we have. The world might not buy what we have to sell but if it’s the only treasure that we have and if we give it to him; he not only accepts it but he can do more with it than the world ever could!"
My letter to the other person contained a testimony about something that I was given and a promise that I felt from God because of it. (Ask me about it sometime and I will share it with you.) I met my preacher on the corner and gave him a box with the two letters.
Meanwhile, family offered to help us find something newer than what we'd been looking for. I cringed but following my husband's lead, I went along. I prayed for God to give me an answer. I didn't want anyone going into debt on our behalf or even paying for that kind of expense. When we came to the first van, we opened the back and tears just started pouring from my eyes. ...It sounds silly, I know. -But there was the same "nearness"
in the tears.
If that wasn't enough when we sat at the table the salesman, JJ, tried to close the deal. I just couldn't commit. When he asked why, I explained about our truck and how family would have to help. We didn't technically have any money to give him right then. Then in one of those "Godly & coincidental" kind of ways the salesman (whom we've never met before) started giving a testimony about how God helped him in a real time of need and he used the generosity of others to bless him. Then he just kept repeating, "If someone wants to bless you, you should let them."
I was still crying... just so much more by this point.
I know that someone on the other side of this screen is thinking "Of course he'd say that, he's trying to sell you a car!" But you'd have to have been there. My husband who, if the truth be told, is not really sure how he feels about God and who is also a man that is usually pretty itchy about talking to people. And yet, this same husband was chillin' at the table like he had all day to sit there with a car salesman. Seriously, we were there over an hour just talking about God. Not only that I am crying like a fool and JJ is practically preaching. It was a surreal moment. I mean can you just try to picture this for a second!?!
When JJ asks why I am still crying if someone wants to bless me... Colin just shakes his head and says my wife likes to hear people talking about good things! (And boy do I.
Can somebody puh-lease tell me a testimony about blessings!!)
Even so, things were moving so fast. We needed to step back for a moment. I needed to pray and there were some other vans that we wanted to look at. So we stopped at a few dealerships on the way home.
In the next day or two, I got a phone call at work and thought it was a salesman for a van but it turns out that it was our youth pastor. We laughed about how I thought he was trying to sell me something. Then he asked if we were looking. I explained the situation. He asked if I'd like him to post an anonymous ministry need on his Facebook page. It felt a little weird but I said sure. I'd actually had peace since the motor went out and I had peace now too.
The next day when my youth pastor called to tell me that a family had a car that they wanted to donate, I really wasn't surprised but all I could muster up was "wow"... I was literally speechless. I mean what do you say to that other than Thank You God! -And thank you Ed and please, oh please, THANK THAT FAMILY!
This conversation is a little hard for me to figure out how to have with my husband. He doesn't know Ed or this family and this element of faith is a new area
for both of us. ...I
know that it's a God thing but how on earth will I be able to convince him that I'd rather have the car. But it's too late. My husband and the relative have already found a van that they wanted to get.
I could have pushed the issue but while I may not always act it, I do feel a tremendous amount of respect for my husband and I do want to also respect his wishes. In this scenario, I feel like God has plainly met a need and revealed himself in it in either outcome. I try to talk to Colin but truthfully, the timing for this discussion is just never right. I blurt it out but can't possibly connect all of the dots in just a few moments. (In fact it has taken me 2 years to get it spelled out here.)
It ends up that we go with the Van. I call Ed and tell him to bless another family with the car and he has a perfect family in mind. (Gosh I wish that I could've been there when Ed told them the news!)
Now before you start trying to rationalize all of this; go back and read the prayer when I discovered my 4Runner was broken. "I want a running vehicle. Heck, a new car is just fine. I boldly ask for it. Why not?" - Did he not give me both! You can credit my family with one but how do you explain the other? Does his word not say "Come Boldy" and to ask for ALL THINGS.
But aside from that, I
prayed for some other stuff even BEFORE the truck messed up. Read the last two paragraphs of the original prayer.
"If it's my rules that destroy my visibility, take me back to infancy. When I was so fresh from you, that I was not aware of my own desire. Did I then know, where I came from? Reduce me to tears and no other form of words. To be satisfied with what you give instead of what I want. -When I had no choice but to see what only you set before me. Even then, I am sure that I could not retain all of you but would I be able to see more?
Prepare my heart God so that I can see, then show me at least one new thing that I miss in my every other day. Make this day new. Find me worthy of your secrets. My heart so longs to know more."
I mean "Reduce me to tears" and "Return me to infancy" -what does that even mean???? Don't feel weird. I had no idea either. I thought it was odd when I said it. But I have discovered that it was my heart [
or my spirit man] asking to unlearn things that were holding me back in my faith. So that he could teach me what he wanted me to know about him instead.
If you know me at all, you know that I've become a crier. I might have cried at other points in my life. Maybe even all through my life. Truthfully, I can't remember how often. But I can tell you that during the last two years I have been a wet mess. (A good mess but a wet one! And literally choked up "
as no other form of words") And as much as I want to explain it, I simply cannot tell you how I know that all of this crying is a God thing but
I know that he is working in me with every.single.tear that falls!
When I told my preacher that I wanted my heart to be right with God, to give up superficial special things in order to
right me.... Well he answered that too and
made me see how
insecure that I was. Gosh and I know that sometimes I might even portray the faithful life as only a struggle and maybe even condemn myself too much but I know
that I know THAT I KNOW that God is with me now! And
he promises to right ALL my paths that aren't straight!!!
And even still, I know that someone else saying, well if this is God and he did this for you why hasn't he done this for me or for anyone else that I know. Let me just tell you how much I have struggled with giving this testimony. For that reason...! In fact I have struggled more over this than giving up the earrings.
I don't know where you are in your life right now. But I once took an
Experiencing God study. In this study there is a moment that is referred to as a "
Crisis of Belief". In January 2013, I hit
mine. I didn’t feel like my life was
fitting quite right. I knew that it was finally time to stop going with the
flow of life. I needed to pull over so that God could really do some work in
me.
I started this strange little blogging/prayer/testimony
thing. I actually had no idea what a blog even was or why exactly [at first] that I was writing. But it was my way of listening. I started changing some habits. –Wrestling
with a few others! But documenting every piece of it helped me
see his hand in my life. And any little thing that I felt like God was telling me to do; I really tried to be sure to do them.
I want to say that it's about obedience
but it's so much more than that. It's about the
desire behind your motives in your relationship with God. Anyone can be obedient. The things that you are doing, are you doing them because you have to or because you
want to?
If you take anything away from this at all, do not let it be anything related to the prosperity gospel. If you think that I am telling you that coming into faith suddenly means you get the presents. TRUST me when I tell you, that is not true!! Heck, follow the lives of Joseph, Job, Jeremiah or countless others to confirm that!
In fact if you want to know the truth, I was paying my full tithes and working in the church and my motor still blew and I still could not afford to fix it. Bad & hard things happen to faithful people! BUT God was able to show me something else in that hardship that I had been blind to! He provides what we need in our absences. I assure you that if you're struggling, God will meet you in that struggle.
Confess your issues and the status of your relationship with him.
Accept him as
your Lord
so that you can hear his replies.
Believe for once that he might just be able to reveal himself to you and then ask him to help you be obedient. But when he answers BE SURE to
GIVE HIM THE GLORY!
Acquiring faith is hard work and some serious dedication. But when I rearranged my life to know him, he met me at every level that I sought him. He continues to do so.
I implore you to do the same! Please
Believe!
- It's not only your obedience but your delight in being obedient.
- I see God more during the act of obedience or after than I do before my obedience. When he reveals himself, it makes it easier to trust him again later. So obedience is not just about completing tasks but rather building faith.
- Be specific & be bold in prayer!
- Do not get stuck on the thing that I gave. If this seems boastful to you, I can totally tell you some areas that God is working with me now where giving for me is hard. Let's talk about it.
- It is not about the monetary value of things. Sometimes it's about what the thing represents in your life. Or he might even ask us to give up things that don't make any sense to us because it will mean a whole lot to someone else. You may never get the answer as to why you had to give it but if you were obedient, I guarantee you will see his hand somewhere else, look for it!
- The way that I received the earrings surprised me. The van and the car surprised me and I have had other similar situations both great and small where he continues to surprise me. If God does something once, Trust that he can do it again!
- 'It' is never yours or ours, we are just stewards. When God blesses you with something, see if you can use it in a way to share a testimony OR bless others with it and also include with a word of encouragement about their relationship with God [giving him glory]? When you have to give it up, will you give him glory once again?
- If you're not sure how to have a testimony about it, set a reminder. Try to write down as many of the details as you possibly can because you might forget some of those details later. If you can't complete it, it might not be time. If it keeps coming to your heart, he might have more for you to know. Keep collecting details until it is finished. Then you will know that it's his timing!
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