The Vessel Might Break | Jonah Part 5

Joseph Mallord William Turner 'Ship in a Storm', c.1826

Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose

that the ship threatened to break up. –Jonah 1:4

When we hear so many messages about God’s grace and mercy, it often makes it difficult to understand passages where God sends disaster, storms, and evil spirits. How could a good God be so mean and cruel? Yet Psalm 119:75 says that it is in faithfulness that the Lord afflicts us.

As you might know, that “affliction” can be so strong it might seem like nothing will be able to withstand or survive it. We see that in Jonah. He, himself was running and hiding. The men were freaking out and even the ship, the vessel holding it all together, was on the edge of breaking. Another image that I love from this is that the thing taking the hardest hit isn’t actually the part with the problem. It’s just the vessel that the Lord used to send his message and correction.

The same was true in my case. Work might have been where I felt the most pressure but that is where we spend most of our day. Behind the scenes many other things we’re also going on. I felt led to leave my church of 10 years without really knowing why. My husband’s uncle passed away. Except that Michael was more like my own uncle or a member of my immediate family. Not only was he my neighbor, he was an incredible influence on my life.

My own mother, who was my only relative in Virginia, went through her own struggle; made some radical changes and moved back home to Florida very unexpectedly. There were some other shifts that took other members of our family away. Even our animals had grown old enough to start dying off.

Meanwhile, my husband seemed to be going through his own storm. His job was up in the air. His truck died. His father still battling cancer. Colin, himself, struggling with his own illness. In 10 years, his neuropathy had seemed to reach a new level. I had never seen him in so much pain. Being in pain is one thing but it also impacted what he could accomplish and it limited how he could spend his time, which affected him on another level. While he is incredibly strong and never complained about the things that he was going through; I feared for his life but also his spirit. How could someone - anyone- handle the pressure of so much pain and discouragement, without getting defeated?

Then here’s his wife having some sort of mid-life crisis. In a season where I could barely help myself, I couldn’t even seem to help him or vice-versa. We were both incredibly angry. Not at each other but we’re married, it gets taken out that way sometimes. We were both just trying to hold on.

Aside from church and my family, my position at work was like the last deeply personal thing in my life that I identified with. …and was committed to. Dependent on. After all, between the two of us, my job was the one we relied on. I was the one with benefits and Colin couldn’t go without them.

For those of you who didn’t know me “back in the day”, many things in my life used to be temporary. Jobs, boyfriends, houses… I was very “any way the wind blows”. When we got married and I started this job and picked out my church; I decided to “grow up” and so I made a bunch of rules. I was going to learn how to be rooted.

In fact, I was imagining being one of the elders at the church and starting a mentoring program between the different generations of women. Now I was a manager at my job. I was indeed rooted. All of this “uprooting” felt very hand-picked and personal. Maybe like an affliction that we noted in the beginning.

Don’t get me wrong. While I know it’s a bleak picture and it even felt that way going through it. Much good came from this season. When I could never seem to catch up with anyone socially or even make it to regular Bible Study at church, I began leading Bible Studies at work over lunch and also at home. (Praise)

I also quit drinking, which was another thing that I didn’t understand when I was going through that change. I didn’t feel like I had a “problem” at the time but I was haunted by the need to put it down. In hindsight, I probably would have depended on it too much when the storm finally came through. –With the exception of 2 toasts to Michael, I will have been sober 2 years this month. Wahoo! (Thanks God!)

I've shared before about my struggle with insecurity, which might have been magnified and even misinterpreted as I wrestled with my intuition. That struggle was intensified after the promotion but hopefully because impurities were getting burned off. I had to have some hard conversations [in all areas] and I had to make decisions without much time. Both things I was terrified of doing 'wrong’ but pushing through, made me realize how much more I really could do. It changed me. I started becoming more assertive in other areas too. 

By default, I am the type of person that always likes to go and be busy and do. Yet, between Colin’s sickness and this storm, I was getting reprogramed and my life was getting reprioritized. I found myself needing to be home (without anyone requesting me to do so or my ability to explain why). It was really hard to tell if I was withdrawing for the right reasons or becoming too self-absorbed/self-contained. But then every time I tried to step out, plans fell through or kids were sick. In many ways, I felt isolated. That is, until I began to love stillness and solitude. I am not sure that I was spending enough time with my husband before this point either. So another positive was coming out of this new direction.

Through this season, making big decisions without really knowing the ‘why’ behind it was probably the most frustrating part for me. I mean, I like to know the reason. So I can justify it. Wasn’t I going to have to explain it to someone? To who? I mean what would people think? Somehow not being able to do either was providing a place for confidence to grow. Not just in God but in the person that God created me to be.

Jonah said the Lord’s “breakers” swept over him. It was as if, God, was using this season also to break all of my rules and dependencies on anything other than Him.

I distinctly remember making some mistake at work, which really wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it wounded me anyway because it was such an easy thing to take care of and I simply forgot to do it.

I was overloaded and tired and working as hard as I possibly could, trying to give it all my best. It just hurt that I couldn’t even be in control of my own memory, my emotions or my own results, etc. –and it struck me- control. All of this was about who was going to be in control. I could stay up late overthinking everything and work twice as hard when I was there; trying to be this twisted picture of perfect. –Or I could let go and stop trying to be the one holding my bits and pieces together.

I know that might come across arrogant. I make mistakes daily and I knew even then that I wasn’t the one holding anything together. But it didn’t stop me from trying. Isn’t there always one more thing that you and I must do or else the world will fall apart? It might be the reason you can’t stop too. But if we feed that appetite, there will always be one more thing.

“Okay so I won’t try to be responsible for everything.” and “I won’t let myself be the one to catch it.” I thought to myself. (and I hated it because I felt like I was quitting or giving up.) I walked into work the next day and started really trying to delegate more.

Except I still didn’t fully get the message. It would take almost eight more months. –Because the things that I hadn’t delegated, I was still trying to pride myself in.

What I mean by that was that I wanted security in what ‘I’ could do well. Remember when I had you imagine me on my knees barely hanging on to the deck of a boat. –Well at my lowest; when I was completely worn out from worry. Praying that God would show me how ‘I’ could have this conversation or how ‘I’ could get this result or how ‘I’ could make a difference, another “breaker” swept over me. 

None of this was about me or even what I could do through Him. It was all about Him and what He could do. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t try to give God glory or consider others or do a great job. You should totally do all of those things. However, there was so much emphasis on ‘I’ that I missed the ‘He’… If only, I could trust His flow without putting so much pressure on the funnel of what was produced. After all, Psalm 62:5 tells us that our hope comes from Him. Psalm 46 says that He is our refuge and our strength. -ahem, security.

Looking back, I can see how sometimes our insecurity is because we’re not living true or aligned to something we value. Maybe a habit that you have struggled with is harder to be rid of because you’re not in the place that you’re supposed to be (or stay). It’s hard to absorb how both of those statements are exactly right, and yet also how you have to be in that exact place, in order to get the message. So it is the perfect place for the time.

I am willing to bet that someone else reading this is still struggling in an area because you need a life change or different perspective too. Not because something is good or bad or even wrong or right. Maybe you’re simply not the person that you used to be and now your life needs to reflect it.

***

So what about your storm? I don’t know if you’re ever been caught out in heavy waves at the beach. Maybe you’ve gone under or there’s an undertow. It pulls you one way, while you’re trying to come up and move another direction. The waves keep coming, one after another and you can barely catch your breath. You’re tossed around, maybe disoriented. It’s hard to get out of the place that you’re in. Sometimes, the current has to carry you a little upstream so you can get out. Boy, can’t spiritual storms can be the same way?

Like that boat, is it possible that your issue or the place you feel the most pressure, really isn’t the problem (like your marriage or your job or the circumstance)? It’s just your vessel. Ask yourself what you want the outcome to be in this scenario. Then ask yourself what the right outcome is? Yes, there can be a difference. What would it take to make the latter part happen? Many things might be out of your control. What can you do, even if it means that you need to change your schedule or implement something new, in order to get the important stuff taken care of?

You might be too drained to think that hard and so something that helped me a whole lot in this season was also making a list of where I was willing to “fail”. Yes, really. Think about what failure looks like to you. You really aren’t able to do it all and trying to keep up with that pace can cost us in the places that mean the most. If you can flesh out some tentative things that might get left undone, when time runs out, you’ll know in advance what needs to go.

***

It might be me, or even a 'coincidence' but throughout the Bible one of the most commonly referenced pictures used around the presence of God, is water. I can't look past that when I look at the book of Jonah. If you’re rooted in your vessel or your plans or your problem, then you miss what’s overboard. You can’t hide from the spirit within us. The deep calls to the deep. When we don’t listen to the swells and surges within, he sends along the wind. 

“God alone knows the way to Wisdom,
    he knows the exact place to find it.
He knows where everything is on earth,
    he sees everything under heaven.
After he commanded the winds to blow
    and measured out the waters,
Arranged for the rain
    and set off explosions of thunder and lightning,
He focused on Wisdom,
    made sure it was all set and tested and ready.
Then he addressed the human race: ‘Here it is!
    Fear-of-the-Lord—that’s Wisdom,
    and Insight means shunning evil.” -Job 28:23-28

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The Power of a Praying Wife | Confession from Chapter One, His Wife

One night earlier this week, I came home to Colin not feeling well and already asleep on the couch for the evening. Sadly, this isn’t unusual. His parents called because he didn’t put their 4-Wheeler back up when he was finished with it. I tried to wake him. “Later” he replied.

Knowing that he’s a man that likes warning, I told him that I’d wake him in an hour to go take care of it. The hour came. I woke him up. Irritated, he got the phone and said “I will call him”. I thought he went outside to smoke and tell his Dad that he was on his way.  –Instead he went to bed and I’m not even sure that he called his dad. No “goodnight”. No “I ain’t doing it”. Nothing.

My feather’s ruffled.

(I had to include it, it just makes me laugh.)

This is an area of struggle for me. For one, I struggle with people pleasing. Especially when it comes to things that ‘I’ think are important. This is an area where I would be a martyr and “take care of it myself.” Except that I’ve never driven a 4-wheeler down 2 boards in the back of a truck. AND it was dark AND I was irritated. AND I have 2 boys that would lose their mind wanting to do it with me.  I just wasn’t comfortable. (Can I just praise God here? This is an area that I have grown so much in. There is a time when I would’ve gone and done it myself anyway! And I can promise you from experience that the bad would’ve gotten ugly.)

If I am not careful, I can start trying to compare our actions and then I wind up judging him and giving a good foundation to anger, which is what started here. You see, I was raised to take care of your things. And especially to take care of things that belong to someone else! A 4-wheeler is expensive and I can’t replace it. It has been difficult for me to not judge him for having different opinions or motives. In his mind it’s made for water and mud. Rain won’t bother it. It wasn't a matter of "caring" or "respect", he was looking at the facts. I suppose he had a good point….

Also, I struggle with the fact that he doesn’t look sick. He doesn’t have cuts or bruises. He doesn’t walk with a limp or have any obvious signs of something being wrong. The things that I’ve read about with Neuropathy are terrible. The pain is 24/7 and excruciating. And in all seriousness, people can lose their legs over this. You take seizure meds to tell your brain that you’re not in pain. And some patients, like my husband, choose to also have stimulators implanted because adding a new pain (electronic stimulus) might help make the other one better. (hmmmm?)

And yet, sometimes I am immune to his sickness because he IS sick 24/7.

If that statement made you flinch at the harshness. Imagine being the wife who says it.

Imagine being her husband.

I flinch at the hardness of my own heart. -A woman that vowed to love AND protect him. –To cherish him. In sickness and in health. A woman that looks at what she thinks her love is verses what God says it should be and cringes because even her BEST human effort will fail to ever compare to God’s incredible standard.

But while it is harsh, it is my truth and it’s my confession. Sometimes, I am immune and even resistant to helping and being empathetic toward my own husband. And I am his helper.

Thanks again Lord for giving me a beautiful guide that will help me grow UPRIGHT.  

And in that conviction, let’s just look at his side for a moment. This event just happened to be on that really cold day that we had this past week. He works outside, in the freezing cold [conditions, I won’t work in], IN PAIN. And your metabolism spikes up to stay warm. I KNOW he had to be exhausted. But still I just want to keep putting ‘I’ first… sigh.

And the 4-wheeler was out because he was spending time with our children. Something that I pray to God that he will continue to do no matter how he feels. (So Thank you Lord for answering another prayer!)

Anyway, the next morning, I sat down to answer some of the scripture questions in the Power of a Praying Wife Study Guide. I begin with question 9. Really God?? You’re SO funny.  

“Do you have any anger, unforgiveness, hurt or disappointment toward your husband?” I tap my pen to think of the nicest way to dance around this question. But it’s blaring at me. Like it has its own eyes and I can’t avoid its stare.

Meanwhile, Colin gets up. He’s sitting on the couch. Trying to greet me and talk to me. I want to give him the cold shoulder so he knows that I am irritated. But in that exact moment, I am being convicted of my wrong actions and having to write a prayer about them. But the prayer is asking God to change me and I can't hold my grudge and change at the same time. I finally had to give in and repent. I also went to the Colin and apologized.

I once heard that an apology with an excuse isn’t an apology at all. Try apologizing without explaining or defending your side. It’s hard. Don’t you want the other person to know “your why”? I’m pretty sure I still slipped some of my side in. But we left in peace and he put the 4-wheeler up that afternoon.

But in my reflection, can I just tell you how hard that night was. To be bottled up and irritated for something that I probably won’t even think about in 10 years. (It’s probably why that handy guide says to not even let the tiniest drop of anger stick around. It will make both of you miserable. For nothing!)

Then it was hard again to admit when I typed it out. (But that’s what I LOVE about Bible Study and meditating on scripture).

Own who you are so God can show you who you can be.

And again, it is hard to share it with others. Truthfully, I almost didn’t. I’ve prayed about it all week.  I don’t want people to see that side of him. I mean, I don’t want people to see that side of me either. But I have to talk about him, in order to talk about me and I don’t want to ever hurt him in that process.

To be honest, others in our family and friends comment to me about things that they think that he should be doing and it hurts me. I definitely don’t want to add to it. I chose this study so that I could overcome myself for HIM. –Both of them!

James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”.  You are the righteousness of God. Woman pray for yourself and your husband!

And 1 Corinthians 7:14 says that even though my husband might still be an unbeliever, he is sanctified through me.

I want to confess the things that hold him captive and break those strong holds. And of course I want his healing. But I also want to confess my actions and have God grow me in the glorifying ways that only he can. Then maybe I can help my husband up.

I know that I am not the only one who struggles in this area. YOU are not alone. –And scripture promises us that the TRUTH will set us free. And it is only God’s truth that frees mine to be… different. Upright. Dare I say Holy?!

And between 1 John 1:5-7 and John 1:5 we see that darkness loses its power when in the light.

So my prayer in Chapter one is that God will hide the sin of my own inequity from my husband. Yet uncover glory in His wondrous way between us. And in Jesus name break anything that tries to wiggle in.

So now, I am giving it to God. I am so thankful for how far we have grown in this area during our marriage. –But I can’t wait to be able to share with someone later on, the wisdom that I gleaned, after we have gotten through it.

I extend that prayer also to you and yours! Amen and Amen!

Photo Credits:

Praying wife: http://www.rpmministries.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Prayer-Confession1.png
Owl: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/02/article-2138367-12E257FF000005DC-866_634x324.jpg

Apology: http://dulyposted.com/never-ruin-an-apology-with-an-excuse-benjamin-franklin/

To Cherish

It is true that every marriage has its ups and downs and mine is no different. I am thankful that at 15 years we're still getting better. But for the purposes related to a study coming up, I feel the need to talk about one of our hard spots. (With Colin's permission of course.)

My husband (Colin) has had Peripheral Neuropathy (severe nerve damage) in both legs and feet for about 10 years now. While HE is awesome; his illness has not been as kind. It has had an effect on him, me and our marriage. 

At times it has been difficult and even lonely for both of us. Chronic pain is a thief but working around it and through it has made us both stronger thus far. And it is something that the Lord has specifically used in my life to grow me and my love walk. 

I will never forget driving to work one morning a few years ago. Feeling defeated, I prayed to God. How could I be honest without being ugly? How could I love more when confronted with an illness that I didn't love at all? How could I get past my selfishness to remember that there was a man in the middle that was wounded by an illness and probably also by me? "Lord how do we do this and win?"

I thought of my vows and when I hit "to cherish" I felt a sting. I was pretty sure that I wasn't being as supportive or as loving as I could be. I simply confessed to God that I had no idea how to "cherish" something that I didn't even know how to deal with even if it was attached to someone that I loved. I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment and so I told God that he was going to have to give me a picture of what cherishing might look like.  

As I drove the rest of the way in thought, a vision of a teacup came to mind. While I don't collect china, it made me think of others that do. It also reminded me of some of my grandmother's dishes. Some of it's chipped, cracked and worn but still used often. I love those dishes and at every opportunity to bring them out, I do. I never even think about the flaws because I am so excited to have them out and at my table. 

In fact it's not really until I go to put them away that I pay attention to them. I know where they are weak and I take extra care to hold and support those places as I wash them. I also know where they will get the most beating in my cabinet and that the pressure from stacking them might cause them to crack further. So I put them higher up, above me, to a place with less traffic. Protecting them.

And if I was a collector with a teacup, wouldn't I turn the flawed side away (shielding it from view) so that others saw only the best side? Wouldn't I be quick to tell others all of the things that I loved about it and never once mention or point out things that might make it less in value?

Well I could go on and on here but it is an image that I have never forgotten. How quickly it convicted me of areas where I really could love more. I started trying to apply it as much as I could. Even now, years later as I write about it, it is still an image that convicts me. We can always love more. In all of our relationships.

As I calculate a mental inventory in comparison to it, the verse "love covers" also surfaces. It comes from 1 Peter 4:8. Don't those two words alone sound exactly as I've just described? If we are not "cherishing" our spouse our love might also not be reflecting our Father's perfect love. And we might be missing out on the fullness of its rewards.

(scroll down)

Ladies, if you are not praying for your spouse, you should be. It doesn't matter where you are in your marriage, you can go to God honestly and openly about any aspect of it. Psalm 139 also says that the Lord knows when you sit and when you stand. He knows your thoughts even before you do. You don't have to come up with all of the answers alone. 

I realize that most times we take our laundry list of wishes to God and when he doesn't give you the exact item that you request, we think he doesn't answer. However, I have found that I can take my praise list, wish list, defeated list, my "I don't know what to do with this" list and more times than none he answers but almost always with an action item for me. 

If he's not answering, could it be that we're not completing a step in his reply? It has been amazing to me to see in my life, not just in this scenario but with friends and other members of family, how prayer turns me toward the person I am praying for. I don't care how good of a spouse you are, your spouse could always have a better cheerleader.

Because I am always looking for ways to be the crown and helper that I am called to be for Colin; I am getting ready to read "The Power of the Praying Wife". I've decided that I'll try my hand and an online study too. So, there will be a Private Facebook Group and a private discussion forum for members that are not on Facebook. (But you can join both if you like!) We'll start 12/28. 

If you're interested, please email me (faithunfoldingblog@gmail.com). Let's begin 2016 by washing our husbands in prayer?

P.S. If a fella is reading this, you don't have to miss out. There is a Husband's version that you can read. 


 

And Then Monday

The week before last I read some online articles about suicide that upset me. The articles were mostly about symptoms but then my Pastor shared a sermon on the same subject. It was as if everything was suddenly about suicide, or at least until I got angry about it and then I just sat with the anger. Wrestling. Thinking. Praying. Confused... 

And waiting.

Two family members were heavy on my heart. One of them is my husband. While he is not suicidal, he does suffer from Chronic Illness. He has had peripheral neuropathy in both of his feet for the last 10 years. A certain amount of depression accompanies that. 

He's also had enough circumstances in the last two years that could bring depression anyway, even if the condition didn't do it. And as if that wasn't enough, he has had to take a small "pharmacy" just to dull the symptoms. Those prescriptions add a whole other layer to his battle. 

Not only has he pretty much plateaued on his medication, even though his condition continues to get worse; but being subjected to them for so long, is also taking its toll on his body. To me, his health seems to be declining. Then to top it all off, not one but two his medications are known for increasing suicidal tendencies. 

The first week after I'd read the article, I sat with him on our front porch and told him about the list. I apologized for any flares in my own behavior that came as a result. But then I explained that after reading it, I could not not ask him about it. Of course he soothed my concern and I felt better having mentioned it.

But it was still twisting inside of me.

The next Sunday at church I was moved to tears and my class prayed over me. On the way home, I thought about Jacob wrestling with God and the way that Paul says our flesh and spirit wrestle. I couldn't imagine walking with a limp like Jacob- but even so, I have also learned just how physical our spiritual battles can be.

I thought about how long I might continue this way before God could tell me what it was he wanted me to do. I imagined a man almost at the end of his rope and on his knees begging God to just belt out what it is that he wanted him to do. "Whatever it is God, I will do it!" Then it occurred to me that maybe God also needed me in that exact spot before I would understand myself or before I'd be willing to follow the full instructions. 

I know that sounds strong but when we're going through something, we're always ready to be done with it, aren't we? So, then I just point blank asked him-

What is it God? What is it? 

Of course, I prayed for discernment and courage to face whatever the answer was and the strength to carry it out.

And then Monday, I started reading articles about praying for healing. This article in particular had several points that struck me. 

The first was the reference to false humility. In how we don't want to pray over others because we don't want to "act like God" and yet one of our basic Christian duties is to pray. -Not only with another but over them. 

There were many other powerful insights and then I read some other articles. I am not sure how or where I saw it but at some point I became convicted of whose faith I was believing in- the faith of the person that was being prayed over or the faith of the person praying. After all, didn't I come into my faith because he answered? ...Over and over again.

By the bottom of the article, I simply felt like God was telling my heart that I can clearly see evidence of what is happening to my husband's health. Now I also have a list in hand of some even more terrible magnitudes that this could go to. Knowing how powerful prayer can be- [Not only witnessing what it can do but experiencing God within it.] How could I have both of those options before me and still choose not to pray over him. 

I mean I have prayed on my own and with him about many things but never so specifically for salvation or healing or anything directly pertaining to him, over him. And I think to myself, who am I as his wife and his helper and his friend to withhold something like that from him? 

It was a lot to chew on.

Later at work, I started trying to consider when I might pray or how I would pray. I was reminded of scripture after scripture; Where two or more gather, If you ask and you believe, Say to this blood live, Say to these bones live, Ask and you shall receive, I will restore your health, I am the vine, you are the branches, Greater is he that is in me... My voice began to rise, my eyes were filling and a great surge came.

I finally hit my knees and prayed specifically right then for his healing, both physically and spiritually and in every other fashion. I prayed for our direction, faith, marriage and probably a dozen other things that I couldn't recall now if I tried; Repeating every scripture on my heart. Everything came out with a fury. 

Then just like that-

Peace

It came in the wave as it settled back out to sea, taking all of the anger with it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. –John 14:27

Ask and ye shall receive - Matthew 7:7

***

And if you were curious, I waited for timing and by the following Sunday, I did pray over Colin. I know that God is working.

Picture credit: Low tide on a Constantine wall.