Dead To Sin, Alive In Christ

My little sweet pea was baptized today. -A moment that it seems like she's been waiting on 'forever'. Really, it's only been since January when she first asked but in the days since then, her repeated inquiries made the span of time seem much longer. 

She is only 4 but when she was asked why she wanted to be baptized, she didn't hesitate with her simple, and strong answer: "Because I am a child of God. I love him and I want to follow his ways." She said it with such certainty in who she is but with a tone of shock for my even having to ask her why? As if to say, why wouldn't I?  I thought to myself, if only we could all believe as a child. Matthew 18:3

When the preacher submerged her, I was reduced to tears and utter adoration. Not only was she making the first of her own many decisions but she was brave enough to overcome her fear (of water) to do it. 

Like her brothers, when she was born, I couldn't believe that God gave me, not just a baby but another whole person. You wonder how you will raise them. Where you will succeed and where you will fail them. You hope that the successes far outweigh the failures. You hope that in the end, God will be proud of what you've done with his son or daughter.

I felt that same awe and humility today. When she went under the water, she gave me a glimpse of her independence, as she left me to return to him. Not by force and not by bribery but that of free will. She could not wait to go.

When it was over, and she was dressed, she ran to the mirror and smoothed her hair. She checked over her every feature as if she expected an outward change in her appearance. But even I have never seen her radiate more, than when she leaned into the mirror and said to herself with such pride "I did it. I really did it." 

I was so proud of her and for her, but as a mother, my heart sent the same message up to God. It was one of thanks and one of honor. -That he could somehow use me to help guide such an incredible creature back to him. Sometimes, I am not sure which one of us teaches the other more about the grace of our almighty father.

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate. (Psalms 127:3-5 NASB)

Fire Starters

We wrapped up a testimony session at church this month. Despite all of my many notes, I ended up winging one instead and it came down to only two things. The first, was about spending most of my youth chasing feelings and looking for love; when really, I was looking for God. The second, was about my church relationship(s) and chasing the fire. In the days since, I have really thought a lot more about the fire portion of that.

I first felt the fire when I was 16, at a revival in Florida. I was amped for days, even months when it first lit up. Then I moved out of state and the fire fizzled. I found another church after that and eventually felt the fire again. Then I got offended by people in the church and I allowed myself to just walk away.

It wasn't until I had Ethan that I was willing to commit to church or to God. How else was I going to teach him anything, if I didn't lead by an example and learn for myself? I tried a bunch of different churches and just didn't "feel the fire" at any of them. Yet, I kept finding my way back to the church that I attend now.

I can guarantee you that there was no fire there. The church was rapidly falling apart. The Pastor's future was up in the air. Inside was a complete mixture of chaos and silence. But so was I...

In many ways it was a blessing joining at this time. Everyone else was so involved in the other things that were going on that I was able to slip in and then slip out without anyone really noticing. Until one day, a lady came up to introduce herself. She ended our brief conversation with the statement "I used to sit in the back too until someone called me a back seat Christian."

Ooh, I was hot. -And not by the fire that I was looking for. I was offended and mad and feeling a little self righteous. I wagged my tired finger at God and tried to justify my reason(s) for not coming to church and his reply was "Are you coming to church for the people or for me?"

Well that will pretty much shut you up right there. I stayed at that church. I really felt God asking me to commit to him, even if I never felt the fire again. It's been 8 or 9 years since that day.

The good news is, that fire is within us, where his spirit lives, always. We don't need to chase it. We can find it right where we are. If we're not feeling it, then perhaps we need to be tending to it. Just like a stoker who starts a fire, he must continue to keep it going. When it cools, it's not because God is too busy or just not into it or that he has nothing to say to us. It's because we have let that fire cool. Perhaps we need to get another log or a piece of kindling or even fan the flame.

Be watchful, and strengthen the things that remain, and are ready to die. -Revelations 3:2

***

The other day in church I was talking to a friend about spiritual activity. I told him that I really felt close to the spirit the last few months. I was starting to make connections between not feeling the presence of the spirit and an action on my part. I said "even as of this weekend, in a sense, I feel like the lamp has gone out or dimmed a little and now I have to figure out why." Of course he looked at me like I was nuts. "What?" Even as I said it, I felt a little strange. I am not sure why I worded it that way.

I went home and tried to think of ways to better explain what I meant. To explain how I have been focusing on my prayer life so much that I feel close to God every day. That now, I notice when I start feeling like God is getting distant again. That's my queue to take the time to revisit what has happened since I last felt his presence. Is there something that he's asked me to do that I haven't done? Do I need a fresh word or new perspective?

I couldn't get the word "lamp" out of my mind. I thought about the elements or properties of fire. Fire is full of light and heat and it needs air to grow, but what else...? So, I looked it up. It is heat, air, and energy. If one of those elements are missing or removed, the fire stops.  There is no fire.

Energy. I teared up just reading the word. I get SO exhausted doing, and doing, and doing. Even during that week, I could not bring myself to stop and slow down. Yet, it was all that I could do to just keep pushing through. In my time in prayer, I was so tired that I couldn't really focus. Maybe if he was sitting right in front of me, even if I were excited; I wouldn't reach out to him as enthusiastically as I would, if I were fully rested.

Well, that's exactly what was happening. We ARE seated before God every day.  I needed energy to reach out and I just didn't have it in me. He was feeling too far away because of me... My fire or lamp was dim because I wasn't keeping it going.

Just like 1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us to be on guard at all times. He IS there all of the time. It's as simple as walking outside and standing in the sun. When I stand in it's unobstructed view, there is no denying it's heat or it's light or the sheer magnitude or intensity of it's brightness.

The dimness of the lamp, or coolness that I feel is also like the hardening of the heart.
There is something between me and the Son. Is it the bustle of life, unrepented sin, or perhaps clouds of doubt, fear or slumber...?

Not to take anything away from God because clearly he can send his spirit when he wants to, but how much more can we have in our relationship with him, if were willing to be involved? If a real fire only has three components, what would that look like  if we tried to make one in our prayer life?

Heat - Psalms 57:7 says oh my heart is steadfast, I am confident in you.
Do you have a desire to meet him? Do you believe that he will come? Have you taken the time to prepare a place to invite him in, to worship, to serve? Not just ridding physical distractions but are you coming to him with a clear mind and a purpose to know and to be close to him? Have you even gathered your material or tools?

Just like when your camping, it's a hunger that first drives us to make a fire. Yet, if we're hungry enough, we will eat food that's cold if we have to. Are you hungry enough for God and his word? Are you feeling cold and in need of a warm up? It is easier to mold something when it's hot rather than cold.  -But plain and simple, what will it take to make you hit your knees and rub your sticks together? -Until you get a fire?

Oxygen/Air - Is your time in prayer a simple hello, just an item on your checklist or are you willing to breathe your heart into the fire to get it started. -Your admission of need for him (humility) mixed with confession of truth (openness) and then a spark ignites. You're lifting him up and exalting him. There is a constant tapping down of self, in order to give him room to be your flame.

Fuel/energy - Not only do you need energy to start the fire but you will also need energy to keep it going. A good fire will build momentum but it will still require more resources to stay lit. You will need a sober mind or alertness to know what's required, a rested body and a desire to be able to tend to it. And for me this is the hardest- resting in order to rebuild those stores.  If I don't do this, I might just be empty when I get there and then what kind of fire would I be giving God?

***

The better part of this has been written for the last two weeks. I just felt like one thing was missing. I was so focused on how we could improve our prayer life, that I forgot one of the most basic things. It wasn't until I got so aggravated that I had to walk away, that I was able to gain enough distance to see what was missing.

Sometimes, I get too legalistic. Not because I feel like we have to earn the love of God but because I want so desperately to be the woman that he intended for me to be. What kind of wife did he design for Colin? What kind of mother for my kids or simple being in his world? However, that legalism caused a snag in this post. I was robbing myself of enjoyment.

As with any fire once you get it going, do take the time to simply enjoy the presence of God? Do you celebrate with your friends around him? Do you marvel at the colors in his glow? -Reflecting on who he is and how he works and what he in return puts in us?

***

Father God, Jeremiah 23:29 says that not only is your word like fire but that it's also like a hammer that breaks a rock in many pieces.  I pray that you can shatter the hardness of my heart and that nothing blocks me from seeing, feeling, touching or knowing your full glory. -The tingle and the heat and the joy; I want not only for myself, but to become so engulfed that I transfer them to others. So, that we can celebrate in your name and delight in all that you are able to do and have done. Your love is amazing. I am thankful that your spirit is with in me but never stop calling my name. 

No Really, Stay Tuned

It's funny how the last thing that I wrote was about following God. How in order to do so, we must always get our time in with him and be willing to follow all of the directions.

As I was writing it, I was presented with 3 other writing tasks as well. We're really getting into testimonies at church and I have some notes that I've been compiling for that. I have also been working on an encouragement project and another devotional project. All of these are still with or for God and I felt like it might be OK to take a mini break from this blog to work on those assignments.

So, I left a little note about Staying Tuned here because I wasn't sure that I would have time for all of it.

In the days since, I have felt the Spirit nudge me "what about staying tuned to me?"

***

I have a folder of at least 30 starter posts and I add to each here and there. By the end of March or beginning of April, I was really taking a lot of notes. It was funny at the time because I remember thinking, Gosh God, you're going to have to stop saying so much because I almost can't keep up and I've got these other tasks to do. I can't be doing those if I am writing all of these.

So, I stopped blogging and started on the other tasks. -And much like I've been surprised by how close I've felt to God this year; I was suddenly surprised by how absent God felt. There was a week and a half of silence. (Which doesn't really sound like much, when compared to the fact that I used to think that it was normal for God to only speak to us once a year or so.)

I didn't like it.

At first I thought the silence might be OK. So, the first few days, I let it go. Then, I started to get nervous. I repented and prayed and repented and prayed. Repenting for every little thing that I thought might have been sin that would stop God from wanting to talk to me. Praying like crazy for the spirit to start up again and begging God to just reveal why there was a silence.

***

We all always struggle with balance and compartmentalizing our lives. Our faith does requires us to provide a certain amount of work that "backs up" what we believe. Don't we all try to; Pray [this much], do [so many] good deeds, read [this much] of the bible? We try to balance our lives and/or our faith as if we're juggling three balls (or more) and hoping that we just don't lose our sequence or rhythm.

The problem is, that's not balance at all. That's juggling.

I keep thinking about tuning a guitar. Twisting the knob on the end of a string until it reaches the perfect pitch. A little more here and a little less there. Then onto the next one. It's "perfect pitch" is based off of the string before it. The desire or goal is for all of those strings, to sound and play harmoniously together.

I looked up the definition of harmony and I love this- One definition says that it is an "internal calm". My prayer life is what produces that internal calm or that harmony. I read the word and study different things and then feel the need to participate in certain projects. It's my prayer life that can help me adjust that focus peacefully. 

Prayer is a direct channel with God. It is the main chord that all of the other strings in our life should be tune to. Our personal reference pitch.

The tune that we play is a representation of how our prayer life is working. When the tension is too tight, adjust your prayer life. When your feeling a little flat, adjust your prayer life., etc. Never stop praying. Go back to your main chord until you get that 'C' note (peace of Christ) and then tweak everything else based off of that. (And yes, I really just said "C note". haha)

***

If I ever thought that attitudes and thoughts didn't matter, this scenario totally proved me wrong. I realize that my silly little thought [telling God that he was going to have to stop talking] was really an attitude of the heart.  It was such a small thought though.  It was so small in fact that I had to dig for it because I almost didn't even acknowledge it. I even laughed it off because who tells God to stop talking? And I didn't even mean it. ...or did I?

1st Thessalonians 5:19 says "Do not quench the spirit." That is exactly what I did. I thought that stopping the blog was the problem. However, the blog is just a product or documentation of what's happening in my prayer life. The problem appears to be that when I stopped documenting, I also stopped listening. It was like I had turned my heart away from him and moved right along to something else. I was the one who became absent.

It was OK to drop the blog, it was OK to do other types of work. Staying tuned to him though was the only thing that was going to give it or me harmony. The moment that I felt like any of it was too much, maybe that should have been my indication that I needed to adjust the knob again. 

Sacrificing prayer should never have been on the table. It's something that can (and should be) done in all that we do. If I spent a little more time in prayer and something else didn't get done, maybe that undone thing wasn't really all that important to start with.

And then also, if half thoughts and subconscious attitudes have that much power, imagine where we'd be, if we became more aware of them; and managed them at onset.

******************

-And of course all of this reminds me of the Prayer of St Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, [I will tune into you to so that I can] let me sow love; where there is injury, [tune in some more to replenish my] pardon; where there is doubt, [twist that knob until I find] faith; where there is despair, [tune, tune, tune into your] hope; where there is darkness, [tune until I see] light; where there is sadness, [tune in to be filled with] joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.