In his presence | 2

So, this weekend would have been Michael's 59th birthday. Even yesterday, I found myself still in disbelief that he was gone. I thought about "what if" we we're given one more day; what might I say or do? But there is nothing that I would want more from the man, than just to sit with him. -On the porch; at the table; in the yard; or like Dr. Seuss, "In a box with a fox".... haha.  You get the idea...

It doesn't matter where or how. I just wanted to be near him. He wouldn't need to talk or cook or do any particular thing. Truthfully, I think I could manage an afternoon of silence if it meant to be with him. My heart just longed to be in his presence.

As, I imagined what that might be like; I was stirred with the conviction about our own love for God- How many times do we just long for HIS presence? Aren't our thoughts of him usually filled with haste or hurry so that we can move on to the next thought. And aren't our prayers full of requests, repetition or regret? Sometimes so full of our own words that God can barely get one of his own in. Then we're off to the next thing.

I sat and tried to imagine what it must be like to just sit with God (or Jesus). But I don't really have to imagine. Sometimes when I am really seeking him, his presence floods me. Literally in tears. In fact, I couldn't speak if I even wanted to. It's hard to explain being so exposed; covered and uncovered all at the same time. When that happens, I realize that I don't have to speak because he knows the secrets of my heart and loves to be with me too anyway!

And every time that happens, I always think to myself, Gosh, I want to feel THIS and YOU every moment of everyday! The irony is that in those moments; when I am full of the Holy Spirit, I don't struggle with half of the things that I usually fill my prayers with... I don't yell at the kids and it's so easy to love everyone, and my heart is so glad to just be and to do and to go... whatever is needed. -Because my spirit understands or maybe remembers that it's not really about me.

If that is the case, then each day when we go to him; why don't we get up and say "Come here God and sit with me a while"? Why do we even bother with words and all of our crazy thoughts when something even better is available?

It's actually too early for me to try and answer that question but you know the NLT version of Romans 5:10 says that our FRIENDSHIP with God was restored by his death. Yes, friendship.

All of those deep, passionate emotions that you feel for your nearest and dearest are also available to and with God. And what if our attitudes and thoughts were just a gauge of our proximity to Him? You know, if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and maybe you're a little too cranky, perhaps it's a queue to go get bathed in Glory. Asking, expecting, sitting and waiting UNTIL you are drenched in his presence. No words needed!

After all 1 John 1:7 says "If we walk [sit] in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another [with Him which fuels our fellowship with others], and the blood of Jesus, his Son purifies us from all sin."

I pray that we all learn to slow down enough to go to him and wait first for his presence.

        Love,
        Reggie

Photo Credit: When I was looking for pictures for the post, I came across this one from Theupsidedownworld. Oddly enough, she had a similar post. Check it out!

The hole in your heart | Testimony

Because I believe in the power of Testimony, I'd like to share a little about a recent experience. It's not just that God is working in my life but that I think sometimes it's so hard to see how personal he is. This will probably result in a long list of details strung together but I hope that it helps to confirms for someone that our God is indeed is a close, living, loving, personal God. (The hairs of each and every head are numbered; He knows when we sit and when we rise; That he has a plan for each of us and knows us by name.)

Two weeks ago, I went to an annual training for Living Light Ministries in Newport News, VA. Before the music was playing, I was already crying. That might not be a big deal but I have become very emotional or sensitive in the last few years and when I cry, it's not a little trickle, it's a flood. I know that there is something more to it than me just being "emotional". It was a confirmation.

Before the training takes place, Sharon Thomas gets up to give a little testimony from her own personal life. She tells a story about getting to the bottom of a tube of face soap and how God stretched it, her and her faith over an extended period of time. And she says "Through Christ, God has put more inside of us that what we can even imagine. Are you willing to squeeze your life a little bit so that God can get more out of it?"  Yes, Sharon. I am! I've been squeezing. God's been squeezing. I know there is more! -Confirmation.

So this ministry is actually a group of 3 sub ministries. Cherished, is a ministry focused on women in the sex industry. Jail friends is a friendship ministry to women that are currently incarcerated. Building Bridges with Books is a ministry that helps women, who are in jail, bond with their children through books.

We listened to each of the leaders describe each of their ministries and how each of outreach has grown over the past year. Because this is a ministry, it is important for all volunteers and leaders to stay in bible study and to memorize scripture. All the leaders & volunteers of the Jail ministries stand up and read a chunk (not a verse) that they have memorized. It sounded like most of Philippians 3. I read Philippians 1 that morning and Philippians 2 the day before. It could've been coincidence but -It hit me like a confirmation.

[Bunny trail]

I've also been at a cross road with my job. Not only was I promoted last year to a management position but it has somewhat led to a crossroad of self. I knew that I was supposed to take it but also knew that it was the end of me either at the bank or as I know myself. That feeling has continued to bubble up as the path unfolded. Then just this summer I hit a place where I suddenly knew that I had to quit. I even told my Supervisors. But at I sit at the intersection of "quit", I also see the sign "not yet".

It has led me to seriously soul search, pray and dream with God. It has led me to work with HR and my managers. It has led me to attend a Christian based counselor and I have even begun the process of being tested for ADHD because of some of my struggles in this new position.

So just this week in the first phase of the ADHD test, I sat with a counselor who reviewed my childhood history. I want to preface this by saying that I resist talking about others in my life on this blog because I don't ever want to paint someone else in any kind of light that might be un-glorifying to them. -Especially when there are other details far more worthy of being shared. (Like how much we've all grown since these events!) But in order to get this, like it got me; I will need to share a little of it.

As a child, I moved nearly every 3 months. I went to 18 schools between 4th grade and my senior year (and that includes skipping a grade). My father was in the Navy and out to sea for years on end but because of his upbringing he didn't know how to connect with me and so we went YEARS without speaking, writing or any kind of contact. My mother who also, because of her upbringing, and who also may have experienced a nervous breakdown in my early childhood, was also not able to be available to me; sometimes emotionally but sometimes also physically. Then by the time that I was in high school, she too, attended a job out of state with my step father.

I was an only child and so not being able to speak or even see people that you live with, particularly at such a young age (elementary school), it made it difficult to connect, communicate, or feel loved or worthy, yada, yada. The rest of my family was a thousand miles away. There was no one else around. I made friends easily but had trouble staying connected to anyone and anything. While I blame moving, I don't think it was because of any one thing or something that was or wasn't done. Please know that it wasn't because my parents didn't try or didn't want to but-

As an adult it has skewed the way that I connect with others. In that sometimes I connect too closely, even in awkward gushes or maybe inappropriately to some (even complete strangers) while not being able to connect fully or consistently in some ways to others. (Like sometimes even with members of my own family.) (I'm not labeling here. It's just a tendency.)

So this counselor says that some of the things on my report cards like "talks too much" and "poor reading comprehension" and "fidgets"; yes, they are symptoms of ADHD that present usually in elementary school BUT sometimes children in chaotic environments show all of those symptoms even though they are not ADHD because they have trouble regulating themselves. You learn how to regulate from your parents. And well, I just don't remember seeing much of mine. We talked about a book called Attachments and about how sometimes those early connections and attachments continue their rhythms even as adults; even if or after we make peace with the past. Sometimes...

Suddenly the last year flashed before my eyes-

As an adult I forced myself to be rooted in so many things because I wanted to connect to something FOR GOOD. In this last year, I felt God lead me away from a church that I have been at for 10 years. He led me from a position that I have held for 12 and possibly a career that I've held for 14. I lost my oldest dog and cat. (I had never had a pet that we kept until it died.) I lost one of the dearest, kindest, heroes, anchors and blessings that any family could have. And I've even gone through a new loss with my mother as she goes through her own radical journey. Just as it seemed we were making momentum in our own relationship; she returned to Florida to embrace her roots. This is something that I know she needs to do.

Then on top of that it has been a season of flat out chaos. It is no wonder that I feel like I am falling apart and can't keep myself together. God is poking around in one of the most tender places of me, breaking all of those legalistic things that I needed to hold onto and breaking connections that I needed to make so that I can learn to hold onto him instead.

I mean really- WHO and WHAT are we to be attached to anyway???

And EVEN NOW, with every one of those connections breaking, that little piece of me comes back that cannot regulate my response to what is happening. Even the things on my report card are coming back like, talking too much, fidgeting, and not being able to remember or pay attention... haha. -Crying and getting angry in all the wrong places. Getting my words so mixed up that I say something so contrary or not even on the same page as what I want to say; feeling so awkward that it just spills out without my own knowing that it might happen.

Oh man, a little validation and con-fir-ma-tion!

[End bunny Trail]

So as I listen to the women describe these breakout sessions, it sounds like the Book ministry started to take off about last fall. It was last fall that I first discovered and wanted to attend this training. Life was just too stinking busy! hmmm confirmation?

What you don't know about this ministry is that in some of these jails, children under the age of 16 are not permitted inside. Even for visitation if their mother is incarcerated. Read that again! Heartbreaking!

This ministry takes NEW books to these women. They get to pick which ones they'd like to read. Then we record mothers reading them. We burn it onto a cd and then mail it to their children so that those babies can hear their mama's voices.

And well, I've had this knowing that I need to do something in grief related studies (like post abortion and sexual abuse studies that I've led). Needing something to humble me as a mother so that I can connect even more with my children. I saw myself suddenly as a child that longed to touch her mother being able to help a mother make that connection with her child. And maybe somehow being able to help one of those women look into her own grief to find this same God I am getting to know.

I was reduced to a pool of tears and confirmation.

Stefani, the Leader of this ministry, read her anchor verse from Isaiah 61:1-3 and when she got to the piece about the Oaks of Righteousness- well, if you know me at all; you know that I have a thing for trees. Confirmation.

But also in this season of dreaming with God as I have considered writing greeting cards; blending my love for good corny cheer with the sword of scripture in order to encourage someone else in their dark place; I have also started writing a children's book about trees and she referenced a verse that I was considering putting in the closing pages. -Could that be another confirmation?!

But then I look up and what do I see above her head but a message on a white board about trusting God. A message that he is recently been telling me again and again.

Confirmation!

***

You know it's hard to try and tell someone "I heard this..." or "I know this...." -Especially when it's not like finding a rock in the front yard and physically being able to show someone the shape and size; so that they can hold it for themselves. (Anyone can see the same words in scripture, right?)

I also realize that it sounds like a bunch of weird signs and coincidences that I maybe forced to add up to this perfect conclusion. And just for the record, I don't recall ever hearing an audible "go and do this" from the Lord.

But if I tried to explain it-

One of my favorite movies is The Family Stone. There is this scene where Dermot Mulroney (Everett) and Clair Danes (Julie) are talking. She tells him a story about a guy in Alaska that carved an amazing totem pole, he felt called to do it, saying that he felt like he had a hole in his heart and it was something that he needed to do in order to sleep at night.

And well, sometimes, it's the hole in the heart that calls. You might not know about totem poles or grief or book ministries or even x, y or z. You might not even know exactly what it is that calls. You can stuff that hole with hobbies and purchases or sedatives and it will still twist like the pea under the princess, keeping you from rest. -Or you can give it to God (and let him in) and still move forward in some way that might glorify him, even if it's still only hobbies and doing something. The difference is that when you allow God in, even the twisting is different when you know that someone is in it with you.

As for me, I felt led to take the promotion. There were a lot of things that I didn't know how to do. I tried to fill the space with more practice, more responsibility and trying different things all geared around the job. I felt a hole but maybe I confused it with the inadequacy that I felt in that position. Something else was calling and the hole was stretching to reach it. 

2 things stopped the ache.

The first was that I verbally said "I quit". Whether that was just permission to myself to let go of how I would fit the mold or a step in faith that really leads to quitting, I am not sure. -But I had to be ready to do it and the words had to leave my mouth. He may very well have just wanted to see if I was willing to give up one of my roots for one of his.

The second thing that I did was contact Established Footsteps ministry. It was the first call that I made and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think that I was quitting because I wasn't sure how I could squeeze in one more thing.

While I have ideas, I don't really know the sum of those 2 things together. But if you follow that whisper- (you will still make mistakes and struggle with time). BUT WHEN you seek the Lord, HE puts it together when you get to that junction that he needed you to be at. Then he will bring out all of these confirmations like tidbits that you've collected along the way. Then he will suddenly present them in a new order, like he rearranged a room with the pieces from your basement. You recognize every single piece and you just know....

When that happens, it stills storm to a whisper and satisfies the thirsty.

My testimony here is not just about landing on the right scripture at the right time. A group of a hundred people can stand up and read random verses and never have one hit you. -But when it's for you, the Holy Spirit moves you from the inside out. And it satisfies more than all the physical things that you could have picked out for yourself. Even if they were perfect!

In fact if you go all the way back to a verse in that 3rd chapter of Philippians where this started, you will see:

"What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ."

Yes, he really is that good!

If you're being squeezed friend and having trouble knowing which end is up; just keep seeking God. You might even ask if one area of your life is out of balance. Are you unintentionally giving more attention to one area of your life while perhaps even something else is calling? Give that to God and press forward in those areas. I bet you're closer than you think!

My Tuesday Challenge for next week will actually be 8 pages of Daily Devotions that I received from this training. So check back early next week and you can start before Tuesday. :)




P.S. If you haven't seen that movie, it might not be appropriate for everyone. It has language and some scenes that are definitely not for family viewing. I'm not into raunchy films and this one isn't raunchy but there are some scenes that make me flinch just thinking about them and it's been a while since I have seen it.

Credits: 

I actually hijacked the description for the movie from cinemacatechesis.wordpress.com 

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/163607398939677190/

A little I.O.U. to the BIG guy!

I've got a testimony that I've been sitting on and I just need to come clean with it! Oddly enough, it's not a bad one. It's a great one! I've just been worried that it will come across like I am trying to boast about myself instead of glorifying God. But I don't only want to talk about how I see God help me in the storm. I want to talk about those radical ah-has that got my attention!

In 2012 I shared my first testimony. In 2013 I changed my life to focus only on family and God. I also started writing as a bi-product of that. On a June day, I posted a prayer. I felt strange as I did it but I had made a challenge for myself with God that I would accept every opportunity to pray out loud for a year in hopes to overcome my fear of doing it. I felt like this post was just another variation of that challenge. So, I accepted. One of the many lines of that prayer included "show me one new thing that I miss in my every other day".

It took me two weeks to write about it but THAT VERY SAME DAY the motor in my 4Runner blew. It might not sound like such a great God testimony at first but hang in there.

ALL of the events of that day really spoke to me. I had such a feeling of his nearness. True joy & true peace. A calmness, unlike me, that just covered me. Everyone that was involved seem to have the same phrase "never seen that before" which just made me tune in that much more to my earlier prayer and what he might be doing. Little things also made me see how he provided during the storm.

As it turns out replacing/repairing the motor in that year 4Runner is double-triple what I anticipated it to be. We weren't in a position to buy a car or even fix this one. From the moment it broke, I knew that God was going to have to be involved in the solution. But he met my need along the way at every junction.

It actually took a few months for us to decide what to do. So August comes along. We still don't have any money. A relative offers to help but really can't do more than what the motor costs and the 4Runner needed more work before this issue. We're not sure which direction to go. We look for cars that might match that allowance but sadly, even though it's a lot of money to me, we couldn't seem to find a vehicle that matched what we had to give.

I once heard Joyce Meyer talk about a bracelet that she gave away. It was a foreign concept to me that God might want me to give up a "thing" that belong to me in order to make someone else happy [or even to give him glory]. I mean sure it's easy to give up old clothes and broken dishes especially when someone else needs them. But why would he want me to give up something I liked; something I loved and was even given or blessed with? I mean I did "earn" it, right? Funny how we think that...

But something else that she said resonated with me even more. She said that God told her "Once I tell you to give something away, it no longer belongs to you, and if you keep it after that, it will never give you joy"

I never considered myself to be a "things" kind of person. However, some memories of my childhood were harder than others. We moved a lot and so we never kept anything. We didn’t have much money and so what we did have was usually second hand if we didn’t go without. -Not that there is any shame in that but because of that, a pair of diamond earrings that I had made me feel special.

Not only that they were sentimental. I know that I received them as a blessing from God but I also received them from a person that I deeply love.

Then one day on my knees in prayer over this situation, I was considering things that I might have to sell. These earrings suddenly came to mind. It will sound ridiculous but I sat in my closet and sobbed. Not over having to get rid of things but it almost felt more like a sob of repentance for storing some kind of worth [maybe even my own] or value in things. The moment was brief and when it was over, I just knew that they had to go.

I tried to sell them but even with the rising cost of gold, I couldn't even get a third of what they were worth. Because they were special; what I was offered monetarily just wasn't enough to justify my getting rid of them even if it was just a contribution toward my issue.

But Malachi 3:10 just kept circling.

So again, in prayer I asked God what he was trying to get me to see. I just kept feeling like I needed to give them up for God. I remembered that story from Joyce. I thought about holding onto them and then possibly losing them later. Then I would be without the obedience and possibly still without the earrings. I can't explain the urgency that I felt but I needed to be free of them at once. Maybe because I simply didn't trust myself to not try to dictate who he wanted to have them.

So, I wrote two letters. One to my preacher and one to the "recipient" [if my preacher felt like it was appropriate]. The letter to my preacher contained my explanation and I am going to share one paragraph from it below:

"I am in a real place of need now. Not just monetarily but spiritually and even physically. I want to be in alignment with God more than anything else. I feel like this was just one more stone that needed to be plucked loose. (pun intended) I am thankful that I don’t need “things” to feel special anymore. I am also thankful that much like the two coins, he accepts what we have. The world might not buy what we have to sell but if it’s the only treasure that we have and if we give it to him; he not only accepts it but he can do more with it than the world ever could!"

My letter to the other person contained a testimony about something that I was given and a promise that I felt from God because of it. (Ask me about it sometime and I will share it with you.) I met my preacher on the corner and gave him a box with the two letters.

Meanwhile, family offered to help us find something newer than what we'd been looking for. I cringed but following my husband's lead, I went along. I prayed for God to give me an answer. I didn't want anyone going into debt on our behalf or even paying for that kind of expense. When we came to the first van, we opened the back and tears just started pouring from my eyes. ...It sounds silly, I know.  -But there was the same "nearness" in the tears.

If that wasn't enough when we sat at the table the salesman, JJ, tried to close the deal. I just couldn't commit. When he asked why, I explained about our truck and how family would have to help. We didn't technically have any money to give him right then. Then in one of those "Godly & coincidental" kind of ways the salesman (whom we've never met before) started giving a testimony about how God helped him in a real time of need and he used the generosity of others to bless him. Then he just kept repeating, "If someone wants to bless you, you should let them." I was still crying... just so much more by this point.

I know that someone on the other side of this screen is thinking "Of course he'd say that, he's trying to sell you a car!" But you'd have to have been there. My husband who, if the truth be told, is not really sure how he feels about God and who is also a man that is usually pretty itchy about talking to people. And yet, this same husband was chillin' at the table like he had all day to sit there with a car salesman. Seriously, we were there over an hour just talking about God. Not only that I am crying like a fool and JJ is practically preaching. It was a surreal moment. I mean can you just try to picture this for a second!?!

When JJ asks why I am still crying if someone wants to bless me... Colin just shakes his head and says my wife likes to hear people talking about good things! (And boy do I. Can somebody puh-lease tell me a testimony about blessings!!)

Even so, things were moving so fast. We needed to step back for a moment. I needed to pray and there were some other vans that we wanted to look at. So we stopped at a few dealerships on the way home.

In the next day or two, I got a phone call at work and thought it was a salesman for a van but it turns out that it was our youth pastor. We laughed about how I thought he was trying to sell me something. Then he asked if we were looking. I explained the situation. He asked if I'd like him to post an anonymous ministry need on his Facebook page. It felt a little weird but I said sure. I'd actually had peace since the motor went out and I had peace now too.

The next day when my youth pastor called to tell me that a family had a car that they wanted to donate, I really wasn't surprised but all I could muster up was "wow"... I was literally speechless. I mean what do you say to that other than Thank You God! -And thank you Ed and please, oh please, THANK THAT FAMILY!

This conversation is a little hard for me to figure out how to have with my husband. He doesn't know Ed or this family and this element of faith is a new area for both of us.  ...I know that it's a God thing but how on earth will I be able to convince him that I'd rather have the car. But it's too late. My husband and the relative have already found a van that they wanted to get.

I could have pushed the issue but while I may not always act it, I do feel a tremendous amount of respect for my husband and I do want to also respect his wishes. In this scenario, I feel like God has plainly met a need and revealed himself in it in either outcome. I try to talk to Colin but truthfully, the timing for this discussion is just never right. I blurt it out but can't possibly connect all of the dots in just a few moments. (In fact it has taken me 2 years to get it spelled out here.)

It ends up that we go with the Van. I call Ed and tell him to bless another family with the car and he has a perfect family in mind. (Gosh I wish that I could've been there when Ed told them the news!)

Now before you start trying to rationalize all of this; go back and read the prayer when I discovered my 4Runner was broken. "I want a running vehicle. Heck, a new car is just fine. I boldly ask for it. Why not?" - Did he not give me both! You can credit my family with one but how do you explain the other? Does his word not say "Come Boldy" and to ask for ALL THINGS.

But aside from that, I prayed for some other stuff even BEFORE the truck messed up. Read the last two paragraphs of the original prayer.

"If it's my rules that destroy my visibility, take me back to infancy. When I was so fresh from you, that I was not aware of my own desire. Did I then know, where I came from? Reduce me to tears and no other form of words. To be satisfied with what you give instead of what I want. -When I had no choice but to see what only you set before me. Even then, I am sure that I could not retain all of you but would I be able to see more? 

Prepare my heart God so that I can see, then show me at least one new thing that I miss in my every other day. Make this day new. Find me worthy of your secrets. My heart so longs to know more."

I mean "Reduce me to tears" and "Return me to infancy" -what does that even mean???? Don't feel weird. I had no idea either. I thought it was odd when I said it. But I have discovered that it was my heart [or my spirit man] asking to unlearn things that were holding me back in my faith. So that he could teach me what he wanted me to know about him instead.

If you know me at all, you know that I've become a crier. I might have cried at other points in my life. Maybe even all through my life. Truthfully, I can't remember how often. But I can tell you that during the last two years I have been a wet mess. (A good mess but a wet one! And literally choked up "as no other form of words") And as much as I want to explain it, I simply cannot tell you how I know that all of this crying is a God thing but I know that he is working in me with every.single.tear that falls!

When I told my preacher that I wanted my heart to be right with God, to give up superficial special things in order to right me.... Well he answered that too and made me see how insecure that I was. Gosh and I know that sometimes I might even portray the faithful life as only a struggle and maybe even condemn myself too much but I know that I know THAT I KNOW that God is with me now! And he promises to right ALL my paths that aren't straight!!!

And even still, I know that someone else saying, well if this is God and he did this for you why hasn't he done this for me or for anyone else that I know. Let me just tell you how much I have struggled with giving this testimony. For that reason...! In fact I have struggled more over this than giving up the earrings.

I don't know where you are in your life right now. But I once took an Experiencing God study. In this study there is a moment that is referred to as a "Crisis of Belief". In January 2013, I hit mine. I didn’t feel like my life was fitting quite right. I knew that it was finally time to stop going with the flow of life. I needed to pull over so that God could really do some work in me.

I started this strange little blogging/prayer/testimony thing. I actually had no idea what a blog even was or why exactly [at first] that I was writing. But it was my way of listening. I started changing some habits. –Wrestling with a few others! But documenting every piece of it helped me see his hand in my life. And any little thing that I felt like God was telling me to do; I really tried to be sure to do them. 

I want to say that it's about obedience but it's so much more than that. It's about the desire behind your motives in your relationship with God. Anyone can be obedient. The things that you are doing, are you doing them because you have to or because you want to?

If you take anything away from this at all, do not let it be anything related to the prosperity gospel. If you think that I am telling you that coming into faith suddenly means you get the presents. TRUST me when I tell you, that is not true!! Heck, follow the lives of Joseph, Job, Jeremiah or countless others to confirm that! 

In fact if you want to know the truth, I was paying my full tithes and working in the church and my motor still blew and I still could not afford to fix it. Bad & hard things happen to faithful people! BUT God was able to show me something else in that hardship that I had been blind to! He provides what we need in our absences. I assure you that if you're struggling, God will meet you in that struggle.

Confess your issues and the status of your relationship with him. Accept him as your Lord so that you can hear his replies. Believe for once that he might just be able to reveal himself to you and then ask him to help you be obedient. But when he answers BE SURE to GIVE HIM THE GLORY!

Acquiring faith is hard work and some serious dedication. But when I rearranged my life to know him, he met me at every level that I sought him. He continues to do so.

I implore you to do the same! Please Believe!

Go backs

1. It's not only your obedience but your delight in being obedient.
2. I see God more during the act of obedience or after than I do before my obedience. When he reveals himself, it makes it easier to trust him again later. So obedience is not just about completing tasks but rather building faith. 
3. Be specific & be bold in prayer!
4. Do not get stuck on the thing that I gave. If this seems boastful to you, I can totally tell you some areas that God is working with me now where giving for me is hard. Let's talk about it. 
5. It is not about the monetary value of things. Sometimes it's about what the thing represents in your life. Or he might even ask us to give up things that don't make any sense to us because it will mean a whole lot to someone else. You may never get the answer as to why you had to give it but if you were obedient, I guarantee you will see his hand somewhere else, look for it!
6. The way that I received the earrings surprised me. The van and the car surprised me and I have had other similar situations both great and small where he continues to surprise me. If God does something once, Trust that he can do it again! 
7. 'It' is never yours or ours, we are just stewards. When God blesses you with something, see if you can use it in a way to share a testimony OR bless others with it and also include with a word of encouragement about their relationship with God [giving him glory]? When you have to give it up, will you give him glory once again?
8. If you're not sure how to have a testimony about it, set a reminder. Try to write down as many of the details as you possibly can because you might forget some of those details later. If you can't complete it, it might not be time. If it keeps coming to your heart, he might have more for you to know. Keep collecting details until it is finished. Then you will know that it's his timing!

Photo credit: http://lovethispic.com

Rain Bird

A gentleman waits
nesting inside
the most secret place

of our heart
not in slumber 

or indifference 

but instead listening
for the sound of the storm

humidity, heat rises
our stickiness of words
bind to the air
seemingly trapped by the surface
the messenger finds his cue

he goes before
permeating cracks
reaching in and seeking out
Interceding
and carrying our breath 

up to the heavens

a call for rain

He draws, in sweeps
wherever he pleases
announcing the hush
a sound-
only known as washing

in a whisper

It covers and uncovers
he splashes again,
delighting to whet
       -all- 

that is thirsty
...take a drink

We join him in a new song

As co-messengers of the reign

Glistening ourselves

For his water is not just on us

But within

we precipitate back into pools

of tears and scattering sweat
-The accumulation of bubbles
that must now move.

Spilling over, we let go of form

just to touch-

to linger in his presence

and become drenched in spirit
relaxing as we spread
HIS song
of all that is true

It is HE that holds the power
and the spirit and the life
and it is HE that is revealed
in the evaporation of words

that only long to rise

and

It is HE that perceives 

and carries and catches

and soothes

then returns 

each glory filled droplet 

from which they came

More verses may be added over time... :) May it be a blessing to you.

Photo Credit: http://www.longboardmaps.com/hummers.htm

The Talent

I heard a story about a friend the other day. It was quick and over the top and just the type of story that I would expect to hear about this person. In fact if you knew the person at all, you'd know that this person is a "grab life by the horns" kind of guy. Fearless.

The story was interrupted before I got all of the details but on my way home I couldn't stop thinking of the bits I knew. In fact when I retreated to my car, to my surprise, I cried simply because it touched me so deeply. I was in awe.

I let out a prayer to God. One of mixed emotions; maybe with shame, relief, confusion and to question- It had been a few years since I've seen or heard from this person and so why is this affecting me so much now...

Fast Forward

I started a new study last week with my Sunday School class called "Created To Be God's Friend" by Henry Blackaby. Day two starts with a sentence "Only one life to live, and it will soon be past, and only what is done with God will last. This can, if one believes this truth, bring to all of life an urgency to live meaningfully and to live well."

I continue on in the chapter and then answer the first question. "How would your family and friends know that you live life with intentional focus and certainty to the point that you do not waste life or live life carelessly?" To which I replied: I'm told that I am sensitive and think too much and/or take things too seriously but also that I make things magical (in a sense). I think that is definitely because of my relationship with God and because I consider "MORE" than just what I see!

Moving on in the chapter the summary asks us to "Write a statement here that God has used most in your life today." And my pen spilled over...

"[Repeating my response to the last question] I guess I feel like God is trying or has been trying for a while now; to help me celebrate and want to cultivate what makes me different. I used to let the devil isolate me with my differences or make me feel like something was wrong with me. [Like over explaining and thinking too much]. But when I start thinking about the good that God could do with my differences; I start looking for those special ways that I can serve. Then I look for how I can do just a teensy bit more to give God GLORY. -To provoke thought, to inspire or to endear.

When I slow down to think about those things- When I remove the distractions in my life so that I am free to take my time- If I put my heart in it- I am really proud of the woman that God thought I could be. What other way can I give Glory to God than by doing my best to be that person?!"

Ooh my heart was stirred and my eyes filled with tears. I thought of my friend again then continued to write. "There was a period in my life where I compared everything because the devil was still using my differences to make me feel like I didn't have it right. So, I tried to hide that part of me away. In hiding myself and in keeping God in a quiet corner, I allowed the devil to twist my longings with things that I felt were worth comparing."

Back up

Back in December I started the study "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" by Beth Moore. It's a study about the ways that you can become "had" by the Devil. This was also right around the time I started allowing God to really get into the meat of my identity. Around page 40 a class mate said the material made him consider the Parable of the hidden talent and then he read it to us.

You might be familiar with this chapter because it's usually tied to the subject of money or tithes or giving. Yet somehow it became so literal to me. The parable of our hidden talent. I'd never considered hiding things of me [good or bad] as a sin against God, especially when those things were related to insecurity. I came home and started a post but could never find the words to fill it.

Meanwhile (Another side trail)

For a while now I've started letting God pull me back from other activities so that I could spend more time with him. (I know that sounds strange but I will elaborate more on another day.) I also started doing random little things, like writing letters to people that touch me. Stopping to do something (that often seemed silly or pointless) for someone else. Praying with people, even if I didn't know them. I've even started giving some personal things or time away but with a scripture and personal story that tied it all together but for God's name instead of mine.... (That's not to toot my own horn, please keep reading.)

But suddenly-

All at once this morning it came together in my heart. My friend inspired me to be deeper and more meaningful and to want to unearth greatness. His unique contribution in my own life simply reminded me or magnified my own desires for those very same purposes.

Thankfully, God led me to realize [back then] that I was drawing too close to my friend. I confessed to God and even to my friend. Almost immediately my mountain moved and our ties were severed.

In that time since I have seen my him; I have really re-evaluated my life. I've scaled back on a lot of things and I've poured my heart into my own faith, myself and my family. In each one of those moments that I explained where I have given something personal of myself -God has moved me. In such a way that words and testimony just can't explain. I found that same awe inspiring greatness. In me. Not of me. Not because of me but in what the holy spirit does inside my heart and mind that causes me to want to move.

Let me restate: When I allowed God to come into all of the parts of my life, he became able to move me. Every time that he does, I find that thing that I have been longing for. It is almost always by the thing that he asks me to do. And yet, it's only when I do it in a way that only I can do, do I feel that he gets the glory.

One of my favorite quotes is by Theodore Roosevelt. "Comparison is the greatest thief of joy". Joy is a promise and a gift of the holy spirit. It's not based on circumstance or talent. It is a reward of obedience and a satisfaction that comes from being true to God. While comparison on the other hand, keeps us from looking at who and or what we are to obey.

Comparison might have allowed me to draw too close to someone else and potentially away from others. But aren't those desires that we feel that we need to compare, the very same ones that God wants to cultivate inside each of us or our lives? He calls to us in our heart and reaches into the depths of our souls. Wanting to pull out this "talent" we've hidden away. So that HE can make us radiate and shine for his Glory!

If we allow ourselves to watch anyone other than God, it becomes an invitation for the Devil to.... just confuse us.

So why the tears?

Of course I missed my friend and my heart spilled over for what he has been able to accomplish and the places his life has taken him. The latest news made my heart glad to see that he was still as I remember him.

It was also a moment of rejoicing. I mean just looking at where the Lord has taken me and how listening but also guarding my heart truly saves... -No matter what our circumstances are, or what our minds, or even our feelings might lead us to believe otherwise. My life is pretty incredible these days and in that very same token this occurrence just reminded me of how close I could've been had by the devil.

Also, I think the tears were a sign that healing was coming. Once I sat down and really calculated these thoughts, it seemed to finally heal a sensitive place.

Lastly, my friend might actually be afraid of many things but he never let fear stop him. Perhaps that alone is all it really takes to make a difference in someone else's life. -Even your own.

Always guard your heart. For all that you do flows from it. Proverbs 23:7 

Greater is he that is IN me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4


To the reader: 

Isn't it longings that send people after money and chasing dreams, leaving spouses and sadly even sometimes leaving this life voluntarily? We seem to spending most of our lives looking for accountability partners, advice, etc. but God is calling, reaching, and waiting to fill those desires and we simply go the other way.

Spend some time this week (and longer) really considering what makes you different. What is it that you wish you could do differently? Then consider what it is that people compliment you on. How are they connected? Ask yourself what it is that you've been longing for?  Are you connecting a longing with a specific person or thing?  Take a moment to ask God if it's really that which you are after or if perhaps it's him.... Ask him to fill it and redirect it instead.

Don't want what someone else has. Want what God wants to give you. Often we already have all of the pieces. Sometimes we just need to rearrange our view.

Beyond words (Job 32:18) ... HE satisfies. (Psalm 63:2-5)

A Little Post From Sunday...

I read an article a couple of months ago about tears. There was really only one piece that stuck out from the rest of the article and it was the piece that talks about the release of manganese. If you look up the definition of that word, it's actually a chemical component that helps give steel its hardness. Tears release this chemical from your body. I couldn't help but think that somehow allowing yourself to cry might actually make you tenderhearted, softer, or more humble.

I've myself have become more of a softy in age. Motherhood and faith have certainly magnified and/or played their role in that. There was a season when I was quite angry and could barely muster a tear and yet now I almost seem moved by the wind. Everything seems to touch me.

This week has been a hard one. I was late posting the log because I it was just almost too much too process. I didn't want to post it at all but I committed to doing a month of it. I can't understand what is happening. I can only tell that God is moving. Yet, I am struggling even wrestling, although I do not understand what with.

It reminds me of the passage where in Romans 7 where Paul speaks about how he is wrestling between flesh and spirit. I feel something happening within and although I feel I am a spiritual and sometimes spirit filled person, I feel as though this week I have not been able to keep myself together.

If that wasn't enough, others were inquiring about my behavior. Everyone agreed that I was off. There were certainly good places and highlights throughout the week but there was something else happening with in.

Anyway, on Sunday in my Sunday School class I was again overcome with tears. To the point that I was not able to speak and someone else had to read through our lesson. While it may seem like I am grieving, I have become to really appreciate the significance of tears, even if I do not recognize their reason. More importantly, I often see a correlation of events or significant change to something around tears...

The subject this week happened to also be about "wrestling with God" which spoke to me that much more but again, I really wasn't trying to wrestle. We continued with our lesson. I read again. Then I began weeping again. -Still not knowing where or why or how. 

A friend asked the class to stop and pray. Everyone at the table held hands and took turns to pray over me. I closed the prayer. I don't know when it started but when I opened my eyes, to my surprise; there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Even others noted that you could feel the Holy Spirit's presence.

I can tell you that I may never be able to articulate 'faith' or prove to someone why or why not they should have it. But I have also seen and felt some incredibly powerful moments, even mysteries, that only prove to me how very real God and the Holy Spirit is. This encounter is one of them. This is also the very reason that I write so publicly.

On the way home I thought about how I felt as though I did not know what God was asking me to do that I might be wrestling with. I thought about how maybe the period of not knowing was driving me to the point of just begging God to belt out what it is! So then I point blank asked him to just show me. "WHAT IS IT GOD? What is it?" Then it occurred to me that sometimes maybe God just has to get us to that point otherwise maybe he doesn't really have our full attention or our willingness. -And don't some things need special, extra, close and even careful attention.

I pray that I don't miss it. I pray that I am careful, humble, open and led with his instruction and his timing. I can also tell you that even with any struggle, even if I do not understand, even if I do not "hold it together", there is nowhere else that I would rather be than in the Good Lord's hands. I pray that he continues to break me apart and that even when I am "acting up" I hope that he's able to mold me into his good purposes. May whatever happens from this of all be for HIS glory.

***

Romans 8:26-27

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 

To Be A False Prophet

I got the opportunity recently to attend a bible study on James with some friends outside of church. We used to attend study together regularly and it was good to see everyone again.  Since, I’ve been considering leading bible studies myself; it seemed like a good opportunity to see how someone else might lead a class like that.

I wasn’t able to attend all of the sessions because I had some previous commitments but I know that my "divine appointment" was scheduled for the night that we read James 4. Pretty much the minute that the Pastor started reading the word, I began to weep. I continued throughout the duration of class as the Pastor switched from testimony to verse and then testimony to verse again. When we stood up to pray, I will never forget the strong stream of tears that continued to drip onto my boots.

It might sound a little strange to explain it that way but I know that it was a holy experience. Friends consoled me with looks and hand holding. I wasn’t hurt, nor was I sad. A friend reminded me that tears were a cleansing of the spirit. At the end of class, I still couldn’t explain what on earth I was so moved by. It continued to puzzle me for days.

I asked God to tell me what on earth was happening. I thought that most of my reaction was toward the Pastor’s testimony, although I couldn’t personally identify with most of it.  I can’t even tell you much of what I heard that evening. What was it about his testimony that touched me?

On day three the words “testimony means something” satisfied that question. In the weeks leading up to this moment, I had been questioning if I should continue sharing my testimony. I just don’t feel like a preacher and I can’t seem to find a comfort level telling others how to be.  Is it an arrogance that I only talk about my own relationship? Those words (testimony means something) gave me my answer. We don’t have to have all the right words or even the same experiences to be moved by how God works in someone else's life. No matter what is said, it is a reminder that God is not just an eye in the sky, he is with us daily.  He is alive. HE touches people.

While I let that conviction settle, I also realized that in days since the class, I have peace. An unusual, strange, quiet, breath of peace.  While I have been practicing relaxing more, this seemed effortless and new.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say that it felt like a fog was lifted. I don’t recall ever feeling so clear.

What on earth happened in that class God? I get that testimony means something but why would knowing that bring me peace when I’ve already been sharing my own testimony. There must’ve been something in that chapter that I am missing.

***

If you are not familiar with the 4^th chapter of James, it is a chapter that deals with pride. I have never considered myself a prideful person. (Except in how much I don't want to need help from anyone else.) I am happy for other’s successes and I don't mind being the first to apologize. I also recognize that like a puzzle, we are we all designed to be pieces of a complete body.

I never saw myself as a perfectionist because I made so many mistakes. I also leave so many things unfinished because I don’t have the time to make all things “perfect”. It strikes me on some level that maybe being a perfectionist is more about never being satisfied with what is done, not resting until… or always finding error with... Simply desiring perfection.

Maybe I would be relentless in perfecting things, if I had more time. I cringe because isn’t "desiring to be perfect", in some ways an aim to be like a God in my own mind. A desire to not need him. Would that make me an idol to myself? Gah!! I hesitate to ask this but do I even desire perfection more than I desire God?

I would guess that most of us recognize that a prideful person has some level of insecurity. Although, I wonder how many people that struggle with insecurity, also recognize it as a pride problem. In fact most of my life, I thought that they were quiet opposite. If you sit down to do a comparison of similarities many of their characteristics are indeed the same. 

In fact, the only real difference is the target of the negative attention. On one end of the pride spectrum the target of negative attention will be directed at others. On the other end of the target will be self. I found this self-exam that identifies characteristics of Pride verses Humility. Read through it slowly. Except, in the pride column, also consider it the “insecure” list. You might need to replace the word “others” with self. 

It’s a pretty eye-opening list, huh?

Both Pride and Insecurity are forms of egoism which means - excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance. They both deal directly with esteem and can be blinding. Let me even go so far as to call either a preoccupation with self that keeps us from having a proper perspective on God or others. Meaning that we can work in the Kingdom, we’re just not doing as much good as we think that we’re doing if we can’t let our own self image go long enough to focus on why we’re even here.

***

I first read that comparison in 2/2012.  What was it that caused me to get it now?  If something struck a chord back then, I didn’t remember it. I’ve had thoughts about my insecurity before but why am I suddenly getting break through?  Is it because I am finally writing down everything that I am considering? -Mulling over each morsel again and again, rearranging words and thoughts until they complete a picture? Is it because I finally turned off everything else but God and I finally sought his full council instead of the council or approval of others? 

The Tuesday before that class, I heard “Spirit Song” for the first time by John Wimber. There’s a line “O let Him have the things that hold you”. -Not the things that I hold, but the things that hold me.  I lifted up a prayer. God remove anything from me that I don’t see. If it holds me, break it loose…

While our stories are not quite the same, I am reminded of the story of Saul. In Acts 9 verses 17-19 the Lord delivers him from a blindness and something like scales fell from his eyes. Suddenly, he was able to see. I can’t help but feel like the thing that held me was so big that it blinded me to its impact on my life and who I have been. Because it covered me, there wasn’t much escape by my own free will. Maybe that simply defines the expression “Strong Hold”. I had to surrender to God and let him peel back the layers and work it loose.

I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t that way. I have always worried about what someone else wanted or expected of me.  Then I would catch myself and say, “wait a minute, what do I want or what do I need?” I would then go the complete opposite direction.

It was really no wonder I was so awkward. This is the complete epitome of double-mindedness. I should’ve been asking all along, what does God want from me? What does he need me to do? Shouldn’t Jesus be the ONLY example that I compare myself to? Shouldn’t the holy-spirit and God be my main accountability partners?

You might have wondered why I titled this “To Be A False Prophet”. What does that have to do with the measure of pride or insecurity within us? I knew the 10 commandments. I was a believer in Christ.  I went to church regularly and had a kind of relationship with God. I was claiming what I wanted to be but I wasn’t letting go of what I was. My struggle with perfectionism, blinded me to grace that was already given. I have been a false prophet because how on earth could I ever expect anyone else to believe in my God, if even I couldn’t submit my own self (Mind AND Heart) to him?

And check this out- If we believe that God is good and that he is ALL powerful-  If we believe that everything that he makes has purpose and that he is not wasteful nor does he make mistakes. Why can we not accept that he knows what he's doing when he makes every single one of us?!?! Gosh, our thoughts can be such Blaspheme!!

While I do not think that I have all of those characteristics, the ones that I did have were deep. If others see a prideful person as insecure, I shudder to think how arrogant and prideful my  insecurity made me appear in front of others. How draining I must’ve been to them at times in order to satisfy my ego?

I am so thankful for good friendships and mentors and prayer warriors that persevere with me. Thank YOU. I am also thankful that God pointed that out to me before someone else got the chance to. Whew!

To see my interpretation of the associated scripture, click here.

Application Questions

If I put my heart on the scales, where would my measure faith verses measure of pride/insecurity fall?

Is my insecurity or pride bigger than anything or everything else in my life?

How might I give God Glory in my own life. Instead of focusing on my need to win the race am I willing to let him simply lead me though it?

Which one of these actions take up the most of my time or thought: How to get myself or others closer to God, how to help others or how to justify/rectify my own actions? 

Read the self exam do you identify with any of those prideful characteristics?  What if you label them as Insecurity and redirect those characteristics to self instead of others.

Click here, If you would like to read more characteristics about pride from another site, Revive Our Hearts. They have a lot of articles about Pride and Humility. In another article about Broken People there is also a list of the characteristics of Brokenness.

Just a thought because this might not always be the case but I am surprised by how many times women cry and simply write it off as hormones or some simple normalcy about being a woman.  Maybe the next time that you find yourself crying for no reason, ponder the entire moment.  Search your soul to see if maybe there really is a reason after all. Give yourself some time to pray and think about that answer and then write down all of those crazy little thoughts that go with it.