What Kind Of Storm Is This? | Jonah Part 1

Storms come into each of our lives in a variety of ways and in many different seasons.  If you’re in one now, my heart aches for you. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re falling apart. Like, even your best efforts are failing you. You’re overwhelmed with emotions and life circumstances be it; sickness, job change, status change or a simple cross road or even worse, a mixture of all of it. After all, sometimes when it rains, it pours.

Like the chicken or the egg, it can be really hard to tell if the storm has come because of your actions, feelings and thoughts or if each of those things are a result of the storm that came to you first.  No one wants to be “Debbie Downer” or to be perceived as whining about their problem(s). You don’t want to make anyone sad by even admitting that you’re struggling. –And truthfully, sometimes you and I don’t know the words to describe it anyway. It’s just too overwhelming or surreal. So why bother.

If you’re in this place right now. I get it.

I’d like to tell you some things that I learned through my own recent storm and how my faith and the words of Jonah helped me get through it. My hope, is that it will relieve some of the pressure on you. Maybe even redirect you and help you get through your own season. It’s going to take me a few posts to work it out though. It won’t be all at once.

I recently shared a testimony about a big job change that happened for me in January. Before that, I worked 14 years at the same organization but in the I.T. department. When I started I.T. there was only one employee in that department and I joined her. I got the pleasure of watching that department morph into a 10-person team! While there were several opportunities for me to become Supervisor. I always resisted.

Until I stopped resisting.

3 years ago, it became obvious that our team was large enough and needed another Manager. It made sense that I should take it. It finally felt right. I was all fired up about it. Oddly enough, I remember telling a friend that while I knew it was time, I also felt like it was the end of me at the bank or the end of myself as I knew it. …and that was an eerie feeling.

There was no turning back and I didn’t want to.

Quickly the position didn’t seem to fit right. I struggled with it; maybe because I didn’t know how to “cut the path”. An example given by my Supervisor at the time as he helped me navigate my course. Being a visual learner, it was a timely and useful picture for the season. [If you were plowing a field of corn and were to try and cut a path when all of it is at eye level; it might be hard to see where or how you go in and accurately get to the other side or make the first pass. But once it's started, the remaining passes are clearer.] 

I asked myself if it was simply fear, intimidation or uncertainty? I also kept going while I considered my answers. I accepted every challenge that came my way professionally and personally. I even made a few extras. I learned a lot about myself in that time. Some good. Some not so much. I gained a whole new respect for Managers. Thankfully, I grew.

But meanwhile, it felt like I was losing the ability to control myself. The harder I tried, the more stressed out I was or the more errors that I made. Then to top it off, I started losing my ability to remember anything, or control my emotions. I cried during everything. I am not joking. I once sat in an 8-hour class with department heads and speakers with tears streaming down my face during 4 hours of the presentations. And don’t get me wrong. I love to be moved and inspired but this wasn’t a motivational talk. We were role playing, all sitting at the same table. A sweet co-worker gestured across the table that I had tissue stuck to my face…. Um yeah- It was like that. Haha

Yet, no one was more baffled than me.

Then it happened again in while learning about invoices. And again, while talking about goals and vision(s) for the team. And again, while reviewing contracts. Then it got to a point that I could not say the word ‘job’ without tearing up. I was certain that I was slipping off of my rocker.

Before I go deeper, I want to tell you that what I share here is not a reflection of my organization. It’s about what was happening inside of me. The company that I work for is a tremendous organization. It is a great place to work and I had the strongest Supervisors and Supporters through all of this! The internal storm is about a very spiritual aspect of this thing we call life and how the Lord sometimes moves within us. –Even though all of the outside conditions might indicate anything but stormy.

Underneath all of the successes that I was experiencing and “growing” that I was doing. I continued to struggle. I mentioned that I had gotten restless in I.T. a little while before I became a Manager. Somehow moving up the ladder, while it felt right and like it was the right time for me; I also felt like I was being pulled away from it. I would come home from work completely fried. –And I remember having conversations with my family where they were trying to talk to me and their words were bouncing off… I could see their mouths moving. I could hear them talking but I could not compute what was being said. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, so wired, I’d have to run and I was not a runner at the time. Or I had hives covering my calves. Even some of my own words seem streaked with things unusual to me. Now they are so easily recognizable as an SOS, for example: 

I wrote to my preacher and told him that I felt like “I had turned Jekyll/Hyde. I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.” (RED FLAG)

In a journal to myself, I wrote: “If I could have unzipped my skin and ran fleeing from myself, I would have.”  –That’s a really crazy feeling by the way.

Even the words that I used to describe myself or certain events didn’t line up with what I felt or believed but they would come out so weird.

The lions of insecurity and awkwardness were growing larger and prowling all around.

To further compound it, I’m supposed to be a Christian; full of light and peace and joy…. I was in my Bible every day, praying like each breath was my last. Why didn’t I have it together? Isn’t my God bigger? Shouldn’t I be giving it to him? Am I not giving it to him? If not, how the heck do I let this thing go?

The breaking point for me was last summer during Helping Hands Camp Youth Camp. I was one of the Site Assistants for a couple of days on 2 different jobs. I don’t know if it was working outside all day, helping others on a deeper level, or doing something completely different than what I usually do. –But we painted sheds and porch rails, we hung trailer skirting and cleaned yards and at the end of each day, I couldn’t help but notice the peace that accompanied me home.

I couldn’t work every day of the camp but a friend took my kids for the remainder of the week. One morning before work, I asked her to pray. She and I had talked a lot about my job over the years and we did so again for a few minutes. Then she grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me in the eye and simply said “Reggie, I don’t think you’re supposed to do that anymore.”

Generally, I don’t let other people’s comments make such radical decisions in my life, but the words were alive and pierced my soul.

I drove to work and put in a Bible CD and began to pray. –But then the words of Ecclesiastes began to sound. Not having heard them before, I sat mystified.

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”

says the Teacher.

“Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless.”

What do people gain from all their labors?

at which they toil under the sun?  [Read More]

I listened to several chapters, some on repeat but everything that came out seemed to further drive home the words of my friend. I had an hour commute but by the time I got to work, I simply felt in my spirit that it was time to turn in my notice. I nervously called Colin from the parking lot. “Honey, what would you say if I gave a 6-month notice today? I feel like it’s what I need to do.”

While he has always been supportive of me and anything that I wanted to do, I had never talked about quitting. So he always encouraged me on. This time was no different. He simply said, “I don’t think you should but do what you gotta do and I support you.”

So, I began the conversations… First with my Supervisors, and then with HR and I even went to A Christian Counselor for a few weeks to make sure I wasn’t having a mid-life crisis. I even had some physicals to make sure this crying stuff wasn’t hormonal. Good grief was it menopause? 

I don’t know where 6 months came from… but I didn’t want to leave too quickly an organization that had been really good to me. They would have to hire and train… And I had spent so much time telling myself to do the job that it was suddenly really hard to see myself completely different. I was going to need some time to unravel this… And if I was changing something, I wanted to dream a little and pray a lot.

Oddly enough I gave my notice in July and a marketing job came open in December. I was offered the job in January… 6 months later… And there have been a lot of blessings on this side of that decision that I will also try to write about soon.

But I told you that I’d share with you some things that I gleaned from Jonah. So grab your Bible if you don’t already have it and flip to chapter 1. –Go ahead and read it first if you like because I won’t go line through line through it here. My references to his story will be spread out between these posts.

Jonah is known for running so far from God that the Lord had to send a storm and a whale after him to bring him back to the His plans.

If you’re in one of those really stressful seasons or feel like you’re falling apart. Your storm could be because of consequences if you’re running from something. But what happens when you’re not. You’re just minding your own business and poof, here’s your storm. Now you’re just trying to hold on!

The Lord used that job in SO MANY ways to grow me and shape me. Also, during that time, I had all 3 of my children. I met my Best Friend. Several of us started going to Bible Study together, then church. And eventually, about 4-5 years ago I got serious about having a relationship with God.

...and then the Earth started moving! Let’s just say that my boat set out to sea here.

I began growing restless in my work and in some other areas. (Was it coincidence that the more serious that I got about Him, the more other things started rattling around?) I started clinging tighter to those things and not necessarily because that’s what I wanted to do; but in being an emotional person, I didn't want to follow feelings. I get them wrong A LOT. After all, the Bible never tells us that our life will be dreamy 24/7. And from "the view of the boat" there was nothing else in the sea that looked like a direction or a sign for me.

So, I prayed harder and held tighter. When I accepted the promotion, which I still believe I was supposed to do, things really started going south in me.  My work, my team, all of the things at my job were still wonderful. I was a complete mess. I believe verse 7 describes it as "calamity" and v11 says the sea was rougher and rougher. So rough, I was ready to jump ship.

But I held on even tighter.

The Lord led me to that job. I didn’t want to leave it a moment too soon. And so I tried to be my best cheerleader, telling myself that I can do hard things and to not to give up before victory and to choose my attitude....

I think you get the idea here but close your eyes and imagine for a minute, me on my knees on the deck of a boat, holding on to bolts or the mast or whatever is available on deck. Tired, drenched, tossed around… and hanging on.

Please hear my heart when I tell you this.

This chapter might tell you that God sent a storm after a man that was running.  But God also sends storms after those who are simply lost at sea. And after those who are crazy obedient and after those who are exactly where they were supposed to be.

Sometimes, he sends a storm after YOU.  Could this be your storm?

I hope you can hang in there as we work out these posts.

***

While you wait, start journaling now about your storm and highlight or mark things that just stand out. –Even if they don’t add up yet. Start reading your Bible, even if you’re not really into it. If you find any scriptures or characters that might touch you, go ahead and include that with your notes. Then pray and meditate on those things.

All post in this series | End

Photo credit: 

Boat/storm: https://chasehisheart.wordpress.com/2014/05/14/the-calm-in-the-storm/

Cornfield: http://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/corn-field.html

Trust in the Lord

Do you ever get to that point where life is just too much? The regular day in and day out has so many tasks on its own. Add to it extracurricular activities, family changes, job changes, sickness, special projects and hobbies and the next thing you know, life starts spilling over... If you are passionate about any of it, or if you are a worrier or a perfectionist, you may easily wear yourself out trying to keep up with it all so that nothing is left undone. You are not alone.

It is so easy for us to take scripture and think that we are doing the Godliest thing by trying to do it all and do our best at every bit of it. I mean after all, cleanliness is Godliness, right? And whatever we do, we should do it will ALL of our heart as if we are working for the Lord, right? We show love by helping others and Godly women [and men] aren't idle are they?

Well... maybe.

This last year has had me on overload as well. The more that things changed, the faster the pendulum of time seemed to pick up momentum. And for some reason the faster it went, the harder I tried to hang on. Until I felt caught between the throws of back and forth and could hold on no longer. The only solution in sight was to quit something. ...Several somethings actually. So I did!

I might touch on all of them another time but the next thing that I knew, I found myself in Target test driving lawn chairs. I am serious when I tell you that I opened every single one to make sure that the one that I bought was a good one. (I highly recommend this, by the way. That is, if you’re looking for lawn chairs.) 

Then I set a goal to stop for at least FIFTEEN minutes, THREE times a week on the way home, BEFORE picking up kids; just so that I could sit and practice waiting. (I mean it, no cell phone, no book and not even really praying. In fact, I try not to even think! I just sit and wait as if I've got all day and I enjoy the view!)

After all, the Bible says that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength, right? You and I are not meant to be responsible for it all (or to be multi-task-aholics)! While I know that truth, I seem to find myself repeatedly caught up in the “hurry”. Never being bored. Never driving below the speed limit. Never waiting. Period. Everything feels so urgent.

Since I’ve started stopping with the lawn chair, I’ve caught some amazing skies and landscapes (although my smart phone doesn’t do it justice). But do you know what else? The “time out” is working. The “high emotion” is taming. I am able to see a little more clearly. Allowing myself to pause even when there is no real time to do it, is building a deeper pause within.

I’m sure that having such an obvious physical reminder (like a lawn chair) might seem showy or weird. But if you look at our examples in the Bible, Moredecai wore sackcloth and ashes; Jacob built an altar; Joshua laid stones. In fact, even in communion, we partake in bread and wine as a physical acknowledgement of a spiritual change or reminder. Because you and I need that reminder, lest we forget again.

I need to practice sitting in that chair to remind me that I should be letting things go elsewhere too! While I practice sitting longer and how to apply this in every area of my life not just on the side of the road for a few minutes; I am seeing an immediate improvement!

There is a little verse in Proverbs 16:3 that says “Commit to the in the Lord and HE will establish your plans.” The more we run with the plan or list, the more that plan seems to grow. Allowing yourself to stop and sit, displays a trust that the Lord is capable of helping you work this thing out! 

Re-read that last line again.

I didn’t catch that tidbit until I was willing to wait! "Allowing yourself to stop and sit, displays a trust that the Lord is capable of helping you work this thing out!" If that's not convicting enough, consider how that might affect your worship. Sometimes being willing to let go and let God be the one who handles it, might very well be the best form of worship that we can offer. That list or circumstance that is consuming you is not meant to get all of your words and thoughts and attention. BAM! Right?

Your welcome! haha.

Oh and as it turns out "Cleanliness being Godliness" isn't even in the bible... Whew!!!

Have a beautiful day giving it to God this morning! 

~~~~~

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and HE will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Legalism or Obedience

Updated 10/15/14

For some time now, I have been curious and even struggling occasionally with the difference between "legalism" and "obedience". I took a free study last fall on the book of Galatians. It was a tremendous help to me in this area. While in the process of completing that study, I also thought of a picture from my own life that has really helped me put it in perspective. 

Then I saw a comment from a reader on a blog and it reminded me of my own struggle. I thought about replying but what on earth would I say? Who am I to just jump in so boldly with someone that I do not even know? But a month went by and it was still begging me to answer. It wasn't until I sat down to reply that I realized my own heart still wanted to make sense of the very same questions. 

And so here it goes.... 

The Picture (from an old me)

I work in a help desk position for an I.T. department. Occasionally, I change offices and get to work near my Supervisor at a desk just outside of his office. Let's just say that I have an issue or task that I am working on. I've been at the desk for hours. I've gone through my known resolutions or steps. I've even tried a few new things. I can't seem to complete the task.

Being just outside of my Supervisors office, he hears and sees everything. He is incredible gracious and always has the right answer. He asks if I would like help. I shrug him off, adamant that I will figure this out on my own. There is something about me wanting to have the right answer all by myself.  (I think they call it pride. haha)

Anyway, I may continue trying my own way. Doing all of the things that I know to do or believe are right. -Making sure to get every step correct. [ahem, Works] But my frustration grows and my focus magnifies but maybe for all of the wrong reasons. 

My Supervisor really wants to help me. He might ask again or stay close just in case I change my mind. I may refuse his help again. I might try all of the stuff that I've already tried. I might call a friend, a co-worker or a different version of support...

Sometimes I complete the task and resolve the issue. Sometimes I eventually run out of my own resources and I will finally give in and ask him. 

Still using this example but back to the post-

1. With legalism we are more focused on getting the right answer, or practicing the ritual or following the rules, than in being in harmony with him.

2. Ironically being in harmony with him does not mean that we have found some state of perfection by any means. You will see a word "Righteousness" in a minute that has confused me a number of times. It does not mean perfection. While I am still trying to understand the full meaning of "Righteousness", I think that it's accurate to say that "to live righteously" represents a willingness, attentiveness and activeness to God and not about the number of tasks checked off or done particularly well.

(Meaning that we might do our very best and still get some things wrong or left undone but God sees our heart. If our intentions are about following him, then he is able to do something with us.)

3. Check out Romans 4:13-15. "It was not through the law that Abraham and his offspring received the promise that he would be heir of the world, but through the righteousness that comes by faith. For if those who depend on the law are heirs, faith means nothing and the promise is worthless, because the law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression."

That's a lot. Take a moment to let that process...

Now here's the comment that I saw. It had a few questions within it-

"I don't know if you respond to comments and questions here? I have a question that has nothing to do with your post today. In my own brokenness from life I have been encouraged and enlightened by the message of grace you have been teaching. On my journey in understanding that I don't need to please God by doing xy and z I am not sure what to do with scriptures like "Draw near to God and He will Draw near to you" Or when Paul says in His letters that when you do "these things it is pleasing to God". Or "present your life as a living sacrifice that is holy and acceptable to God". Appreciate some further understanding on this?"

My attempt to answer that-

Question 1. Draw near to God and He will Draw near to you - Just like in the picture that I used. God is always there and he is always willing/able. He kept offering but it wasn't until I was able to bring myself to turn to him that he could actually become part of my process or until I could become truly usable by him. 

Brace yourself, this next part might sound offensive but please hear me out and weigh it. (I think it offended me too the first time that I heard it so I'll attach links to what I've learned because of it.) 

If we can't bring ourselves to turn to God, then we have a love problem.

That is not a personal criticism. That does not mean that we can't love or that we're even unloveable or anything like that at all. It just means that we have a glitch in our process. 

But I'll admit in hindsight, I didn't know how to love God. I didn't know that at the time. I thought I was showing God that I loved him by following all of the rules. I "tried" and "tried" [works & works] but just couldn't get it. (I had to ask him to help me love him. I also had to ask him to help me love the bible and learn to pray, because none of that made any sense or came easily to me.)

I know that asking for such simple things sounds really trivial but the glitch was at the beginning of my process and that's why the rest of it wasn't working. Showing love and loving are two different things...  This leads me into the second question and yes, another picture.

Question 2. When Paul says in His letters that when you do "these things it is pleasing to God"

(Another picture) In this example, I am going to use marriage. When I first met my husband, I swooned over him. I jumped through hoops and aimed for every hoop. Not because he gave me a list of hoops to jump through but because my heart wanted nothing more than to love/serve/work for him.

Stop there. I have five points. 

Point 1 - Look at the difference in the motive behind my actions. Nothing brought my own heart greater joy than to do those things. I never once felt forced to. It was simply my strongest desire.

My commentary in my Bible on Romans 2:7 says: We are not saved by good deeds, but when we commit our lives fully to God, we want to please him and do his will. As such, our good deeds are a grateful response to what God has done, not a perquisite to earning his grace. 

Point 2 - When I see "it is pleasing to God" My mind wants to take that word "pleasing" and make it some sort of law about love instead; As if I am too vile ordinarily to please (be loved by) God. 

Regardless of how you and I or even God "feels" about our sin; it doesn't change his desire to have a relationship with us. In fact, Romans 5:8 says that it is while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rephrased: He didn't wait for us to get perfect before he thought we were worth it.) But that's a whole other rant, so I will switch back to the current point. 

And you get to switch places with God for a moment- When someone does something for us, don't we want them to do it because they so desperately want to do it and not because they feel so much pressure to perform. -That is the sense of pleasing that I think we should be focused on. Pleasing as in the joy of voluntary reunion, like with the Prodigal Son. 

Point 3 - We now have two examples of relationships; one with my supervisor and one with my spouse. 

What we don't immediately recognize is the way that Trust, Courage and Commitment all play a part in the success of those relationships. Each needs to be cultivated, which all happens by the practice of trusting and committing and pushing past fear and doubt.

Point 4 - We please God by having faith in him.  Faith does not mean believing that there is a God or even believing that he is God. Faith means believing God. -What he says, who he is and what he will do.  This is why Point 3 is so important. If we don't work through Point 3, we often don't make it here. And oddly enough Point 1 doesn't always happen until after this point. (Again, that glitch that I was referring to... We're still waiting for the first point [that overwhelming feeling] to take shape and propel me into obedience.)

Point 5. Just like we are hired for a job, we are also designed with a purpose. You and I were made to be you and I because we can do something that no one else can do. Just stop for a second and imagine being God and watching us, his creations, live and develop just as HE designed. 

We aren't stalling with worry or hiding away in a remote location full of fear and doubt because we trust that he is with us. We're not running around checking in with all of our friends to see what they thought about our 'it' first. We go directly to him instead. We're not backtracking and retracing a past that has already moved on without us. We're just letting everything else go and living in this one moment, every moment, as if we're all fearfully and wonderfully made. I mean gosh, I can almost hear it now "YES!! GOOD JOB My faithful servant!" 

I know that sounds hippyish but consider the truth in it.

Question 3. "Present your life as a living sacrifice that is holy and acceptable to God"

Immediately what comes to mind here in "presenting your life" is to be open about your life and how God is working in it. -NOT "lock down every bolt and make sure that you represent the cookie cutter Christian". It's okay that you don't have all of the answers. He will perfect them in time. He wants to do something with each of us right now, if we just ask him. 

By you and I discussing what we ask for, what we struggle with and how he answers, we are presenting God in real time. A God that is still living and dwelling here among us. For most of us that's going to cause us to sacrifice a little something. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's pride, maybe it's time and a little effort to get to know him. But in doing so, each day, we are then presenting our lives toward God and in return he comes to life in us. ...and then everywhere around us. 

I just can't stop thinking of the verse in  1 Peter 1:16 "I'm holy, so you be holy." To me that translates to: Love me enough to want to be with me and learn about me. Be willing to leave your plans and your agenda, (even if you've got this big task you're working on for me. -Be willing to leave it) so that you can follow me in the right now of every day.

When we live "righteously", "obediently" and "faithfully" there is an element of holiness that happens because of that, without our having to try so hard to be that way. When we are "righteous" he is able to "right us".

Recap (And a note to the journaler) 

I see now we've made to the end of this. I seriously can't say just how much journaling helps me. These questions stayed on my heart long after I read them, just like the picture. I kept meaning to write it down but then life would happen... Writing not only helps me remember, but writing it out helps me calculate the thoughts. It's often not until I am already writing that I get the real "ahas". It's like all of these seeds are floating around in the depths of my soul and being willing to pull them out and line them up, organizes them into neat little rows where they can take root. Then I know where they are when I need them later. 

I don't know what it's like being on the other side of this screen but I hope the heart behind this message has been received. I am still a woman that struggles with legalism and condemnation my own self. If you've made it here and you still have questions; trust me when I tell you that you can ask him. Ask God what he wants you to know about this post, this life or even your relationship with him. Trust and expect that he will give you an answer that will satisfy your heart like nothing else will. Take a moment to write it down because you might forget part of the answer later. If you feel like you can't hear God speak, I've got notes about that too.

Let us pray together

Dear Heavenly Father, Your word says that if we ask, you will provide the answer. If we seek you, you will be revealed. If we knock, you will open the door. Thank YOU for honoring our hearts. The ones that you so thoughtfully made. Even when we resist the urges to draw closer, thank you for waiting just outside. Call us in God, into your grace and mercy. Into the abundance of your overflowing love. Let it wash the rules and stains from our hearts and eyes so that we can see you in every way that you want to be revealed. When your Word and the sermons and lectures of this earth don't make sense, give us a picture from our personal lives that speaks to us directly and personally and carefully like you always do. Ignite our hearts God and let it fuel those among us. 

Picture credit - Sadly I found this picture on Pinterest and emailed myself the link, thinking that I could go back and get more details later. It did not work out that way... I can't even find it on a board in order to get the correct info but I don't have a Pinterest account either. If you do, perhaps you could check for me (by clicking the link) and see what comes up. Thank you.