My daughter, Sophie has never been a good sleeper, even as an infant. She always woke up at least once, never napped more than 45 minutes and gave up napping altogether at the age of 1. Lately her sleeping patterns have become noticeably worse. She can't seem to fall asleep when it's time for bed and then she's up many times in the middle of the night. She's also having nightmares which she barely remembers when you try to talk to her about them.
Sophie is very sensitive and we've had a lot of big things going on in recent months. Her grand-father has been battling cancer for some time, my husband just had a surgical procedure for chronic pain and we've experienced a few losses, etc. I am sure that she has things on her mind. We try to talk about them but I am not sure that she knows what is bothering her and I have had trouble helping her navigate the thoughts.
She also is a child that is seldom thirsty. When she begs for something to drink, she only takes a few sips and she's done. She never finishes a drink without my prodding her to do so. I did discover that insomnia in addition to a few other symptoms that she reports (like the common child complaints of headache/bellyache) can also be related to dehydration. She and I began a water drinking challenge but I also took her to the doctor just to confirm that something else wasn't going on. As I expected, the Doctor contributed her issue to most likely being a result of anxiety and worry.
We got her report card later in the week and she was devastated. There were no A's. What you need to know is that she is only in the 2nd grade. There are no A's or other standard letter grades until 3rd grade. Instead she had all S's (essentially the same thing). She did have 2 P's which mean progressing and this indicates the information that they are currently working on. -Still not bad grades though.
Sophie and I tried to talk about it right then but we were in the middle of something else, which I can't remember now. She didn't understand me and we got distracted by the other thing and never made it back to the conversation.
She definitely seemed weighed down by something lately. She was more emotional and clingy. And I was bothered by the thought of my 7 year old stressing out so early about who she is. I wondered if she understood that she was measuring herself with an unfair and unrealistic metric. (While an 'S' and an 'A' might mean the same thing they are in fact 2 different letters and she can't change what the 2nd grade chooses to use on a report card.)
A few nights later she had nightmares again. I was able to settle her down and get her back to sleep but the next morning I wanted to talk to her about them.
I got up and followed my normal routine of reading and writing until the household is awake. I found this photograph over at middings.blogspot.com. I suspected that it was the perfect focus for my conversation with Sophie.
I waited a little bit after she woke up to have the conversation. We walked upstairs and sat down on my bed and I asked what she was dreaming about during the night. She started crying all over again. Then she said "I used the wrong pencil at school. My teacher told me to use a certain one. I did all of my work and at the end of the day she told me that I used the wrong one. All of my work was wrong and I didn't know it. I tried Mama, I tried..." -Tears rolling down her cheeks.
At first, I wanted to chuckle at the innocence of it like, "that was it?!" But she wasn't recalling some thing that happened at school that still bothered her. This was just a dream. Yet you could hear panic and worry in her tone about doing something wrong. Being wrong. Her night mare wasn't about a scary bear or a bad guy. It was a fear of not being perfect. Not being right or good enough. -And she's only 7!
As a woman that has struggled (and still struggles) with my own insecurities and perceived failures, I recognized right away this desire for "being perfect". That if we don't address it right now, it could grow into a true villain like a monster that will haunt all of her days or a thief that will steal so many opportunities and leave her unfulfilled if we let it linger.
We talked more in depth about her report card. I think I said the same thing as before but she heard me this time. Maybe I did say it better?! I reminded her of things her teachers have said in conferences about being a hard worker and not playing around in class. We talked about her kindness and how she is often a "good citizen". Those things mean more to me than perfect grades. Her best effort will always be better than the best grade. Then I reminded her about each letter and what they mean and how it was equivalent to all 'A's' for 2nd grade.
Then I told her about some of my own similar struggles as an adult. How it affects who I am at work and as a mom, etc. Then I showed her the picture and talked about the difference between hoping to be a Super Woman when God really wants us to abide Him instead. I told her that we needed to start memorizing these verses and adjusting our thinking to what God thinks.
I knew at the end of it, it was a good conversation. We memorized the first verse last week. We also created a little reward system for sleeping through the night. Her sleeping is already almost 99% better. She also seems lighter during the day.
Success!
***
I wanted to share this post for several reasons.
First is that God answers. I prayed so many little prayers about this whole thing. He provided not only an answer but a pretty little chart and also gave me the perfect opportunity to seize and use it.
Second, it was HIS WORD that corrected it. I mean, I am a woman that needs to adjust my own thinking from Super Woman to Abiding Woman. I could have given Sophie a lot of advice but my own thinking is not exactly lined up to scripture 24/7 (no matter how much I would like it to be). It is HIS scripture on that right column that relieves my heart from unfair burdens. It is the same column that cleanses hers.
Third, when He answers we usually have an associated action item. It's like James says "Faith without works is dead" I had to act on her behalf by going to her and ministering to her but she and I both have to adjust our thinking and measuring to what His word says otherwise we never move from that place.
Fourth, I am told often that I am too hard on myself either by condemning myself, negating strengths or simply downplaying who I am. And boy is that a tough thing to work out! In an effort to try and change my thinking, I think it's important to note things that I do right. This post is one of them!
However, this reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 when Paul says His power is made perfect in my weakness. I can boast about all of my weaknesses so that God's power may rest on me. Because I know that I am weak; and because I know that I am a sinner; and because I know that many times I am wrong; And because I am willing to admit that and still look deeper into it no matter how uncomfortable it is. I am so much more able to see when it is HIM giving me power and not myself at all. Praise God!
Fifth, as I have become more aware of my insecurities and even people pleasing tendencies, God is creating a heart in me that wants to work with women (including the little ones) about this issue. How perfect it is that he has given me a daughter so that we can teach each other who we are supposed to be in Christ. (Another praise to God!)
***
Closing with a side note - I also recently attended a Women in Banking Conference. One of the speakers is Donna Highfill who gave a wonderful message on Women and Confidence. She had a really great point about how boys don't grow up with the same issues as girls. Then she shared some messages that we tell our children. One is that "Boys will be boys" and we accept that they are rough and tough. Yet we tell girls that they should be "sugar and spice" and we encourage them to not cause conflict and to be polite. We usually compliment a boy's strength or action and yet tell little girls that they are pretty.
I try so hard to be mindful of this when I am with Sophie but hearing Donna's message reminds me of similar observations from my own life. Since I myself have 2 boys, I can echo everything that Donna said. I am convinced that my youngest child's love language is wrestling (physical touch). I accept it and laugh about it and don't do as much to correct it even when someone could get hurt.
Yet Sophie is a dreamer. She is always thinking of a song to write or painting something in her mind. She is just as energized by being mentally stimulated in her creativity as is he by the physical motion in the next attack. While her actions don't take up any more time than his, I find myself constantly trying to bring her back to what I am doing and yet letting Jackson go.
Donna also wrote a book called Glitter Girl geared toward women and girls alike regarding this issue. While I haven't read the book yet, I know who's getting one for Christmas and I encourage you to read Donna's post about her inspiration of it.
If you'd like to listen to more on being a grown up daughter check out this three part series called "Daughters of the King" by Sharon Thomas with Established Footsteps Ministries. (You can also search iTunes if the link doesn't work. It also has another girls book recommendation: My Child, My Princess by Beth Moore.)
Blessings to you and yours!
Love,
Reggie
Prayer
Father God, I am thankful that you work, even while we sleep as we've seen with Mordecai and Esther. I am thankful that like Samuel, even when we try to sleep, you love us so much, that you will pull us from that slumber when you have a message that we need to hear. I am thankful that that you love and never stop loving your prodigal sons [and daughters]. I am thankful that you hear and answer our prayers and that whether or not we even think that we are thirsty; you have a water that satisfies beyond what can even imagine. I am thankful that in all these cases it is YOU who brings true rest. Lord I pray for every woman that reads this post and for every child that she rears in light of it. You Lord are our first father. Let our lives be raised so that we always look up to you!
(Sophie found a clam)
