It’s all in what you believe…. Check your filter.

I have been sharing several of my Celebrate Recovery testimonies lately. But before I started this 12-Step program, I went to see a counselor. Now, I have been to counselors before for various reasons. Some of them with great success. Some of them were mediocre experiences, maybe even pointless. This time, it changed my life! I’ll share his contact info at the end of this post for anyone who is interested but first I want to tell you about my experience.

The Experience

Have you ever heard the song Turn, Turn, Turn by the Byrds? The lyrics to the song are actually a good chunk of Ecclesiastes 3.  The verses tell us that there is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Other work that I could have been doing on my own could have led me to this exact junction- where it was the right time for me to finally ‘get it’. Or perhaps this guy had superpowers. I believe that it was a little of both.

Terry, my counselor, happens to be an Anglican priest. (Now don’t check out because there is a religious affiliation or because his affiliation is different than yours.) He will discuss this with you at the very beginning of the session. You can choose how much or how little of this you want in your therapy. I, of course, wanted the whole shebang.

During the sessions, he uses a whiteboard to draw out a table. Then he explains how you and I don’t do anything unless we ‘feel’ like it. Your action is tied to an emotion. That emotion is first tied to a thought. Our thoughts are so ‘fast and furious’ that they happen in NANO seconds. So we don’t even realize that we’re thinking them. The next thing we know we’re down some bunny trail in our head… and getting worked up.

He’ll give you a formula to help you catch yourself. (And it will take a while for you to get in a good practice of using it. I certainly haven’t mastered it.)

THEN he starts working with your beliefs.

Everything that you and I think is first tied to our belief system. For a lot of us (probably all of us), we’re built on a ‘limiting’ belief system. The fear of failure, rejection, punishment, and shame. Then he talks you through the opposite of those beliefs in order of their contrasting partner: justification, reconciliation, propitiation, and redemption.

All of this is in the table too and in each session, you’ll pick back up right where you left off in the last session. He takes good notes and redraws the table every time. (You should take a notebook in case you want to take notes too.)

Now you’re probably like, how the heck is that going to help me? But LET ME TELL YOU…. He will blow your mind. Especially if you come in with some examples of ‘crap gone wrong’ in your day-to-day. He will show you how that’s tied to your faulty belief system.

I can’t remember every example that we worked through. There were big ones. There were little ones. But it got to a point where I couldn’t wait to tell him about some issue that I was having so he could show me what the heck was off in the scenario. And I’m kind of a mess so there is always good content to use. Haha.

Anyway, EVERY single time, it was fear of failure and I never saw it in the ‘heat of the moment’. In fact, one of the few scenarios that I do remember from our sessions involved my daughter, a hockey cleat, and a fit between both of us.

The Scenario/Example

Every time we left hockey practice, I would make Sophie put all of her gear back in her bag. I was kind of crazy about making her put it away before we ever left the field because if she carries it to the car, and drops or forgets something, I won’t notice. My mind will have moved on to the next ‘to do’ before ever leaving the field. So, for my sanity. I need to know that it’s where it’s supposed to be because she’s still trying to get a handle on keeping track of stuff too.

Anyway, so all items SHOULD have been in the bag before the next game day. I watched her put them in there. Then game day comes along. I tell her, Hey Soph, we have to leave in an hour. Please go into your room and get dressed. Double check your bag to make sure it’s all in there. (This sounds neurotic and sometimes it is. But sometimes they also pull everything out and lose it, during play, just for funsies, or to test my sanity. I dunno.)

Sophie disappears for a while. Then returns. She assures me that she has it all together. She’s wearing the uniform. It’s a positive sign. She runs out the door to play with her friends. 30 minutes later she comes in and I notice that she’s not wearing cleats. She assures me that she has them but she doesn’t want to wear them because they are playing on the trampoline. I’m hesitant to accept this but she’s already out the door again before I decide.

Five minutes before walking out the door. I tell Sophie to send her friends home and to go put her cleats on. After the friends leave, she disappears down the hallway to her room. Then hysterically comes back ‘I can’t find one of my cleats! I SWEAR I just had it, momma.’

(See what I mean…?)

Now, I’m still growing in my patience area. I try not to be a control freak and a helicopter mother but dang it I have no idea how to balance this ‘let you do it, but also make sure that it gets done…’ They’re kind of a contradiction. Haha

I’m irritated now. I kind of want her to know it. She did have opportunities to get it together.

We’re just going to gloss over how many opportunities God gives me to do the same.

She completely shuts down in the hallway, crying like the world is ending. Meanwhile, I am swiftly overturning the universe in her room looking for a NEON YELLOW cleat that should be on the surface somewhere if we really ‘just had it’. –And I hate being late.

I find the cleat.

Would you like to know where it was???? I know you do…

It was under her bed.

But not just under her bed. It was all the way back, by a wall, behind a village of trolls and protected by the frontline of clothes and stuffed animals or something. I mean really, I have no idea how the heck it got there. The trolls weren’t there so I couldn’t ask them. I have no idea why they would take her cleat and put it there in the first place. It wasn’t a very nice thing to do. Especially before a game…

But we’re both in an emotional tizzy now because I cannot figure out how to get my kids (or life) together without being responsible for it all…

Next session- I CAN’T WAIT to tell Terry about the scenario. “–What the heck just happened here??? This happens all of the time. Can you please help me???”

He smirks a little and says ‘Sure. That’s fear of failure.’

I’m confused: ‘Wait- ‘What? For me or for her?’

Terry: ‘You.’

Me: How’s that failure for me over her cleat. I could care less about cleats. That was on her. It was hers and she couldn’t find it? Just stating the obvious.

He goes onto say that he would have taken her barefoot to the game. And before I can say it, he adds [paraphrased of course] that we know she wouldn’t be able to play. She’d have to sit on the sidelines. This, of course, would ‘let the team down’ and since I am her mother, I should have her ‘more together’. So her ‘not being ready’, is a reflection of my not doing what I think I ought to be doing right… ahem, failure on my part.

**poof** mind blown.

Then he says that if I let her go without the cleat. We would have been on time. AND she’d either be so embarrassed about not having her cleat, or disappointed about not getting to play, (or both) that she’d be sure to have it next time, or she’d get the hang of it pretty soon.

I am speechless, while slightly relieved AND annoyed.

This happens over and over again in my sessions. (You can trust that we talked about more than hockey.)

Each time, he draws on the board. We track it back to one of those ‘nanosecond thoughts’ that was connected to a belief. –And because that thought, led to a feeling, I reacted…’ grrrr.

But I also learned that some things that I thought were failures on my part, were actually just natural consequences or results of other things that may not have been my responsibility or sole responsibility in the first place.

RELIEF like I have never felt before washes over me.

Then another wave of anger about how much I torture myself over things that may not even be my fault.

Heck, he even told me that I knew more scripture than a lot of the people that he counseled and that we could go deeper than some other sessions but that I didn’t ‘use it right’. **Slap in the face** It turns out that even though I am a pretty spiritual person, I am also a rule follower which makes me a little legalistic in a few areas. Even though, I try so hard not to be…

Now, switching gears for a minute

I shared a post recently about how our beliefs can become masks. And boy are they! They are also like filters. Our belief system colors everything that we see, hear, think, feel and touch.

Everything gets processed through that filter. –The mask of how we see the situation.

Just to be more specific, it filters the way that we interpret conversations and dialogue in relationships like feedback. It filters how we decide what someone means with their actions or intentions. It even translates what we take in and interpret from sermons, scripture, and the internal voices that we listen too.

Our masks/filters can have a lot of blind spots/blockages too.

As a friend recently said, you can’t get away from yourself, and it’s true. Your belief system is with you everywhere you go. So, if your belief system has a problem or glitch in it; then when you’re trying to come up with a solution to something, your original problem [belief system] is going to be in it. It can throw the whole calculation off.  -That kind of ‘equating’ will be in everything that you do, everywhere you go. (Not just hockey cleats.)

Shift again

Now I’ve only been chewing on this next ‘aha’ for about a week. So, hopefully, God can put the same punch behind it when you get to it.

If a faulty belief system can make you doubt yourself, God, or God in you. Then when we face situations, we can allow those events to mold or define us. Then we’re giving other events and people more power to influence our life, instead of us learning from and becoming the influencers ourselves. -You know, using what we’re born with [and honing in on] our heart, our instincts, intuition, and faith.

[The punch is coming, tune in]

This is especially important to note when it comes to a negative event. If we let a negative event define us (or cause us to shrink back); is it possible that we’re shaping ourselves to fit perfectly (or even better) with more of those kinds of events?

Could it be that our vessel becomes an easier device for capturing those kinds of things…Gah!

-          

Um, God didn’t make us for THAT!

-           

Then Romans 12:2 hit me. ‘Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’

I think it’s fair to say that most of us take ‘conforming to the world’ to mean ‘do not be like the ungodly and/or to let our fleshly desires run our lives’.

But from another angle wouldn’t backing down because we’re afraid of what people think, or because we don’t want to hurt feelings, also be conforming to the world?

Wouldn’t letting insecurity (I can’t do) or even our pride (I deserve this) be letting the ego run our course? And wouldn’t that also be like conforming to the flesh in another way, instead of leading with the divine light within?

The other part of that verse says to renew your mind. Since our beliefs and thoughts happen in nanoseconds, we need to be on point about renewing it as well. So this is not just a daily thing but it could be a minute by minute thing. –And your emotions could be a spectacular queue that you haven’t checked yourself in a little while. –Ahem, or checked that filter and cleaned the goop out. At the end of this post, I will include some things that have really helped me renew my mind in the last few months. They’re pretty stinking amazing when I remember to put them into practice.

For now, let’s wrap this up.

I don’t know what, if any, part of this resonates with you but we all have some sort of issue that we’re working on. We all have something off in our belief system too. (I know that I still do even with this new revelation.) This post isn’t just about personal limiting beliefs. Sure, you may already have a set of beliefs about how much you can handle or what you think the solution is. But it’s also about our limiting beliefs regarding others. You may have beliefs about who God is or is not, or how you expect him to handle things. You probably also have beliefs about what counseling can or can’t do.

It’s also true that Counseling, a 12-step program, or even a savior won’t fix all of your problems in one fair sweep. In fact, many of our issues get a little messier, at least at first. –Because we start unpacking things and have to get a little dirty. But it has to start somewhere….

Maybe like the Byrd song, your time is now.

And getting to the bottom of something…. Despite the help or mess that it took to get there, isn’t that a reason to celebrate?

I’m celebrating with you. You can do it! Here’s information about my counselor and also about a Celebrate Recovery Step Study Program that you can still join for a limited time.

Insight Neurofeedback and Counseling

Terry Troyer

354 McLaws Circle, Suite 3
Williamsburg, VA 23185

757-345-5802

https://www.insightnf.com/

Celebrate Recovery Step Study

Taking place at Northside Church

Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm

Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm

1300 George Washington Memorial Highway,

Yorktown, VA 23693

757.595.5890

http://www.crnorthsidecc.org/step-study.html

As for those ways to renew your mind, print out the following questions or take a picture/screen shot of them in your phone. The next time you’re in the heat of a moment, run through the list. (I am trying to do the same. Remember, it’s a practice.)

1. Ask yourself if it’s true? Do you know for certain that the thing you’re ruminating over is true? A lot of times we make assumptions, even judgments, about the situation, about others, and about ourselves. If it’s not a fact, then it may not be true at all. There is no reason to waste time on something that isn’t even real. If you’re getting wound up, stop and ask yourself if it’s true. (That’s part of that calculation from Terry!)
2. Are you in the now? The following quote comes from the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle and it’s a rich one. “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” The next time you’re all worked up also ask yourself if you’re in the present moment or are you going back to the past or leaping into the future. If you can just focus on and be in the moment of what you’re doing now, that helps a lot. It also makes life more enjoyable.
3. Are you judging it? When something negative does happen, even if it’s a result of your actions, don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s now in the past. Judging yourself, others or an event is a sin but it often takes you down that ruminating path again. Ask what you can learn from it, then figure out how to apply it. (That comes from a different book called ‘Change Your Questions, Change Your Life’ by Marilee Adams)
4. Slow your life down. Part of the problem is that we’re too darn busy. (Kind of like leaving the hockey field with my daughter and I’m ‘in the future’ thinking about the next to do.) Sometimes life offers no spare time. But more times than not it does. We’re the ones creating such busy schedules. It takes just as much effort to clear it. It has been much easier for me to ‘check myself’ when I am not in a rush to something else. Which means that it also helps me not react because there’s time to process or take a break when I need to.
5. Prayer and Meditation. There aren’t enough things that I could say here. Whether it’s meditation on scripture or meditation by stillness, there are benefits to both. –But that’s a whole separate post. Prayer is also one of those things that should never be a last resort. At least for me, it’s the first place to start.

I Gave Facebook The Boot!

So Sunday, I finally deactivated my Facebook account. No warning. No shout out. I've had enough. Click, click, Kick! Whew!

I haven't missed it.

Of course the first thing that I wanted to do when I deactivated it, was post about FINALLY doing it! I let that confirm my decision.

I wish that I had of done it sooner!

When my sister in law first asked me to set up a Facebook account a few years ago, I thought she was crazy. I thought Facebookers were crazy. What on earth is the point of the program? I gave it a good go and then deactivated my account finding it pretty useless.

Until I remembered that there was someone that I was trying to find. That story is for another day but I thought maybe he would be looking for me too. So, I reactivated it. (Yes, you can do that.)

Then somehow I seemed to get the hang of it. Maybe it was by practice...?!  **insert gasp**

If I bought tomatoes you knew about it. You were able to witness [in.real.time] just how cute my kids are because I was always posting pictures. Before I knew it, I couldn't put it down.

Even though I thought it was ridiculous.

Last year, I deleted the app on my phone so that I wasn't tempted to press the button. -Not that I needed Facebook that badly but it was a mindless activity. My thumb was clicking the button when I wasn't even trying to read it. I would go to look up a contact and find myself on Facebook anyway. grrrr.

So the app went.

I thought again about ditching Facebook altogether but by this point, I was helping out with our church page(s). I've also started leading some studies on my own. How else would I get the word out? After all, wasn't this important? **insert light-hearted sarcasm here**

So, I made myself some rules, like "I will only do this once a day" or "only on this day of the week". I even scheduled posts so that I wouldn't have to log on but then something would have to get cancelled or suddenly posted and the ball was back in my court. -Of course it wasn't in my "allowed time".

[Brief insert with regard to scheduling: This reminds me of the verse: Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Isn't that the truth?!]

Anyway, I became pretty good at not reading the news feeds and not commenting or liking everything that I saw but then a little voice started pestering me. "You know your friends think you're stuck up because you don't comment on their posts or like their things..." Seriously???

Seriously.

Or when I did post; I felt like I couldn't articulate what should've been a quick reply. I either spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to put it out there or I was irritated by what I should've said instead. For me, is just became the Devil's Playground. If I wasn't frustrated by something related to Facebook, I was wasting completely perfect, coveted time to be living instead.

Then I started noticing that on the days that I didn't have Facebook, there was a greater sense of peace. At night, I didn't feel as tired or agitated.

[Another Insert: This also makes me think about studies that talk about the different nutritional values in food. Now forgive me but I am terrible with remembering cites and it's been a while since I've heard it but- Maybe it was Jamie Oliver, Joyce Meyer or Lysa Terkeurst or someone else altogether that said when we rush through eating we aren't satisfied because there is more to eating than just filling our bellies. AND that when we eat "junk" instead of real food we're also unsatisfied. 

Fast Food, Junk Food, Man Made food are all substitutes with little or no nutritional value. So, we're still left craving the real thing. Our obesity stems from not satisfying what we really desire so we continue to consume... if we continue to fill the void with junk, we just get bigger and hungrier. Not satisfied. 

Just pause and let that sink in for a moment.

I just can't help but think that the same thing applies to Facebook (Social Media) and relationships. It seems mindless. Harmless. Fast. I think it was designed as a message tool. -A way to get to know and reach out or reconnect. Yet it is quickly becoming a substitute for the actual connection instead of just a means to establish it. Social Media is man made collection of relationships. Godly relationships have so much more to offer and there is so much more to friendship than only seeing what people share and commenting on it. But this is taking the tangent in another direction and so I will wrap up this bunny trail by saying next-

I have simply found myself craving tangible instead of visible. Real Books and handwritten letters. -Picked flowers and not pictures of them. A real kiss and a hug not my usual xoxo. I will no longer take a substitute!]

So, I started thinking about deactivating again and how that might hinder my methods to share anything. Facebook clearly has value there but when we become ruled by "our" plans and agendas or the means to obtain them; aren't we also taking back control and/or saying that God isn't capable?

BAM!-That is when I decided it was over.

Ironically, no matter how hard it was to follow my rules or schedules. Simply turning it off was SO much easier to manage. Just like when I quit smoking! I tried the patches and pills and lozenges. Yes, I even tried rules because for some strange reason I seem to like them. -But none of the modifications worked. I finally quit smoking when I went cold turkey over 5 years ago. I just had to cut it off. The same was true with Facebook.

It's just like the verse states in Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away.  It is easier to cut it off and throw it away than it is to try to ignore the Band-Aid. You'll just keep picking at it.

Please do not interpret this as saying that Facebook is a sin. This post is about how it caused me to stumble. I was always stooping to it. I needed to cut it off. You can replace the word "Facebook" with any habit that you or I have.

I didn't give a warning. I just followed the instructions. I did happen to have a lot of alternate contact information for my friends. You might want to collect some of it first if you're also considering the boot. 

It has only been a week but I am SO relieved! At first my thumb tried to wander into email or safari but when there was nothing there we moved on. Now even my thumb seems to be happily adjusting. 

After I deactivated the account, I saw two other comments on similar stories that I also wanted to include. 

The first was a reference to an old saying in this blog. "If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy." I'd like to add that if you're not busy doing the devil will keep you so distracted with something that you're not listening to God or yourself or the peace and quiet.

The second comment was from this post. "The internet age may try to sell you something different, but don’t ever forget that viral is closely associated with sickness — and focusing on numbers can make you nauseated." WOW! What a great statement! What numbers have you been watching? 

And with that, I will end with a scripture! Psalm 34:14 says Seek Peace and Pursue it! Sometimes the decisions that we make aren't about "Good" or "Bad". It's about whether or not you have peace or is it bearing fruit?  You and I can do hard things and have peace so don't confuse "easy" with peaceful. There is a difference. Pursue peace in whatever form that comes! For me, I seldom had peace with this subject. It always bothered me. Maybe it was simply my motives in approaching it...?

If you disagree and think that I should've continued sharing my posts, I do thank you. Let me suggest instead that maybe you'll be the one to share them? -Or even better, maybe this is an opportunity for you to share how God is working in your own life. I'm certain that he will bless you for it. :)

Many Blessings to you and yours!

P.S. The original picture was borrowed from: http://getkickinlife.blogspot.com/ and then tweaked a little.


**Update 12/5/15 - I made it a year and a half and ended up reactivating it so that I could use the groups in study. haha.

Into the water | Devotion

A co-worker took this picture and had the image on his phone. At first glance, it pierced my heart. My eyes began to sting as so much was being said. Yet there were no audible words.  Days have gone by and I continue staring at this picture. Still consoled and still stirred.

Background details

This picture was taken after church one Sunday. The little girl and her family had become separated. She was on a long sand bar and was not supposed to get wet. Her family adamantly began calling for her to come back to them. She chose the path that seemed, to her, the shortest distance.

My observation(s)

1. She is not concerned with what may be the best route or what she is wearing or how deep she is getting. What risks might be involved.
2. Nor is she looking back. The destination is more important than where she has been.
3. She has a mission and a plan to get there. She is serious about where she is going.
4. She is not stopping to consider the opinions of others that are watching or what they might be saying.
5. The only view is of her and the movement of her getting to where she is going.
6. “Farther away” or “Closer to” depends on who you might ask.
7. This is an ordinary thing but the Holy Spirit used it anyway.  

He calls

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,“
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
-Isaiah 43:1-2

Our response

"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. - Mathews 18:3

Application Questions

God is calling. Do I jump in and go? Am I delaying by considering the options, consulting with others, calculating distance? Or am I somewhere in the middle stagnant or still on dry land…?

Is there anyone else that I hear calling aside from him? How does that affect my mission?

Do I accept ownership of the fact that I share his name? (See verse 7). I am a part of him. I should respond and continue moving in his direction.

Do I alienate others with in my own walk or draw others in?

If someone were following me, would it change my response?

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, how blessed are we that you never stop calling and at any time we can come to you. You have no unacceptable methods. When our heart decides, we can just move forward. As it says in James 4:8 when we come near to you, you also come near to us. There are times in each of our lives when we must walk alone to find you. No matter where we are in our journey, help us each know and feel your response as you are also drawing closer. There is no greater peace than the one that is provided in your presence. There is no greater love than the one that transcends from the heavens. There is no greater relationship than the one that we can have with you. For thine is the kingdom, power and glory, forever and ever amen.

Decide In Your Heart

A friend of mine is a budding photographer. I took the kids to meet her this week. Jaxie will be one in a month and I have an empty frame in the living room begging for his first of many annual pictures.  Knowing from past experience that the older 2 would likely freak out, I told them that they didn't have to participate. They could if they wanted but it wasn't required.

We went to the battlefields. We unloaded the cars and carried things and children out to the field. There were so many pretty textures and natural backdrops. Tina started taking pictures of all of us while we were getting settled. When the focus became Jackson, Ethan took notice and started trying to get his attention instead. Then he started putting in for gum balls that I had forgotten in the truck. It wasn't exactly a quick walk back. So, I tried stalling. Ethan was relentless. Within a short time, I was making the trip back to the truck to get the gumballs anyway.

Only, Ethan wasn't satisfied when I handed them over. Instead of one, he wanted two. Instead of red, he wanted white. Now, with gumballs in hand, he wanted to go explore a building on the property. Of course he couldn't because he's too young to go alone. He's pushing so hard. It catches me by surprise. And yet I've seen this all before. It's become a reoccurring theme between us. I can already see how the day is unfolding. I start getting anxious and I begin pummeling my internal list of questions. Do I put my foot down? Do I have to go so far as to whip him? -Here or there? Do I let the boy go be a boy and explore? Am I a helicopter mother? Is he testing boundaries or am I short changing him somewhere else? Why is this so complicated?

I tried distracting him again by attempting a group shot of me and the kids. I got on the ground so that they could jump all over me. It seemed to be working. It seemed like we were all getting back on track and then out of nowhere Sophie became hysterical. She didn't want to stand. She didn't want to sit. I made her get leaves on her tights. I don't really think that she knew why she was crying but as far as she was concerned, the world was ending. I took her back to the truck to get changed into jeans. Defeat is starting to sink in.

Sophie and I make it back to Tina and the boys. The distraction of the group shot was forgotten. Ethan picks up exactly where he left off before about the building. Can we go now? I am annoyed. I had envisioned in my mind that we'd get pictures and then go off exploring the building, the canons, and anything else. But yes, let's get this out of the way. We go to the building. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I am still trying to get that group shot. I just want ONE picture of 3 kids that look like they're not being tortured. Well really, I love them. I want a thousand pictures of them together looking happy. I don't realize it then but this desire is really driving the rest of the day. For some reason, I just keep trying. Ethan keeps resisting. -On the walls outside of the building, on the fence and in the grass again, I am still trying.

The day finally comes to an explosive head. One that suddenly wakes me up and I realize that this dynamic cannot continue between us. Not today. Not in the future. Later there is a sweet spot. But the tone had already been set. It's playing low in mind. By the time that we got home, I was exhausted. We all were. After dinner we got in my bed and the kids watched a movie. I recounted the day.

I read a bloggers post about how anger was really sadness with a mask. I let the story settle. The next morning I woke up with a heavy heart. I recounted the day, from the moment Ethan asked about the gumballs.

I thought about that article. Was I angry? No. I was anxious. Was there an underlying reason for my anxiety? What on earth was I anxious about? And why does it resurface in the same exact spot, every time. -When I am being tested by him.

Then I think of Philippians 4:6.  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything… let your requests be made known to God.

I realize that I never once reached out to God in that moment of need. This girl, who prayed for and received a 1” toy donkey when there was no time left to find one. This girl, who prayed for and received help with her father, when his own father was on his deathbed. This girl, who has prayed a million other little prayers between those two; never once considered asking God to help her with this thing that seemed to defeat her regularly. How many other moments in my life are Godless? I know that there must be many but how many? I wonder if the day would've been more peaceful had I started off right. I stop and offer repentance and a request for help right then.

Then back to the problem. It's not anger that immobilizes me in that moment. It's anxiety. But why?

I think of the words decide in your heart, which come from 2 Corinthians 9:7. I realize that under all of that anxiety, I am engulfed in a sea of emotions ranging from:

• Frustration of being tested.
• Exhaust from its reoccurrence.
• Guilt because I feel like I never see them and I wonder if they simply need MORE than I am giving.
• Uncertainty, because they are little. Perhaps, I demand too much.
• Shame, because sometimes I think I just need to get a grip and be the parent.
• Sadness, because I just don't know sometimes, if I am doing this right.
• Even love. Despite the testing, I still love them and sometimes, I just want to go sit on them and hold them down and push their little cheeks up into a smile, and say "Hey we're going to enjoy this moment dangit!"

Who knew parenting was so hard? As I write this, I realize that my anxiety is because I have not decided in my heart which one of these emotions will steal these moments, or the next one when it happens again. Ethan pushes twice as hard because he also, does not know.

I've been thinking that my issue was because I don't follow through often enough. Really, it's that I can't serve 2 masters or however many others that I just outlined. (Mat 6:24). I have not decided in my heart which one of those emotions will lead and so they all compete, keeping me from defining what the rules really are. How could he know if he's crossing the line, if I never decide when or where to lay it down?

I suddenly feel the need to write a mission statement on a post it note, so that I can fold it up and put it in my wallet. The next time this happens, I will freeze time and pull out my note and remind myself what I said was going to happen...  I'm only half serious but I know that I must decide.

I cannot lead effectively if I am hung up on fear or guilt or shame. –And I must still follow rules when I feel those things, so what I teach my children should be no different; particularly when it comes to respect and safety. Nor can I pretend to make things optional with the kids when I clearly have a goal in mind. Like having a silly picture… sigh.

Thinking about the situation in this light, changes the way I feel about it. I now feel as if I have a secret weapon in my pocket. Wisdom and a plan.

And I thank God for the power of prayer.