Sometimes the ways that we shield others, keeps us confined instead. Remove the masks.

The events that I am getting ready to share aren’t exactly what sent me to recovery. I was struggling with anger and so I sought counseling. The insight that I gained and the decisions that I made as a result of counseling led me to attend Celebrate Recovery.

While I feel that I have things to share from beginning my journey, I won’t dare say that I am finished with it or anything like that. I’ve got a long way to go and ‘recovery’ is really more of a lifestyle and an ongoing effort moving forward.

But there are a few things that have surprised me about my journey so far.

The first is that childhood stuff comes back.

We all have those stories or memories, now don’t we?!

I always thought that those things ‘came back’ until you forgave them, or dealt with it, or whatever. Then they were ‘done’. It turns out that even when you think you’ve made peace, it can still hold you hostage. By that, I mean, that it has become a part of the mold that holds you (parts of you, the whole you, or the real you) in. We’re oblivious to the little ways we’ve learned to trap ourselves thinking that we’re keeping ourselves or others safe, or by thinking that we can control outcomes.

Um, we can… but I don’t think it works like we think it does.

As for me and that childhood stuff, well here are just a few examples:

On an ordinary day when I was about 7 or 8, I asked permission to get something. It wasn’t anything unusual. Most of us would have it (or something similar) in our day to day. When permission was granted, I got what I wanted but also pulled a typical kid move, and got something a little different than what I asked for. (Of course, pretending that ‘I didn’t know the difference…’)

Now in the grand scheme of things it was something that most of us would never think another thing about. But for whatever reason, it led into a pretty long and violent event within a few minutes between other individuals. I wasn’t the target and I didn’t see the whole thing. But I definitely watched part of it and heard it all. The parts that I was exposed to was certainly enough and too much for my little mind or spirit.

It could have been days or weeks later (but to me it was the very next day) that my parents sat me down to tell me that they were getting a divorce. For years, I was convinced that I had caused all of these terrible things to happen because I got something that I wanted but really didn’t need.

Later on, I thought that I did a good job of working through it because as a teenager, I forgave the people involved. I even excused myself from the responsibility of all parts except the initial decision to get something different than what I asked for. I forgave myself for that part too. I didn’t harbor any feelings about it (or so I thought). I didn’t ‘go back there’ and if for some reason I did, there weren’t any reactions or feelings to it. It sucked. But that was a fact. We’re ALL human. We’re sinners. We hurt and we hurt others. It ‘was what it was’.

That is until it popped up in recovery.

It was then that I realized that this single incident was the first event that made me never want to inflict such pain on another human being with my choices again. There wasn’t anything that I needed or wanted bad enough to take that kind of chance. So, I guess I started building this ‘tough girl’ façade and tucking away little parts of me underneath.

Now in all of my 8-year-old wisdom, I am certain that the decision wasn’t across the board. But other events continued to shape me in this area. And while I may not know the cause of each of my decisions, I continued to seal off parts of myself. Here are a just few more examples:

In 5th grade, I changed my name to ‘Reggie’. Partially because no one could pronounce my family name ‘Lucie’nne’. (Reggie is short for my first name, Regina). But as it turns out, in hindsight, there were two other events in that exact same season that wounded me deeply and I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wonder if my mind tricked me into changing my name for practical reasons and disguising my ache to become different. Thus tucking away another piece.

Later on, in high school, the grunge era came into play. If you categorized me by look, I do not think you’d ever classify me as grunge, but I wore layers, and flannel shirts, and darker colors. As strange as it sounds, much of it was boys clothing. Shirts, pants, even tighty-whiteys (which happen to be crazy comfortable, by the way).

I have always been more of a tomboy and this may not have been anything other than a girl exploring styles and comfort. But it was uniquely timed again with something else that threatened my own sexuality. I may not have been equipped enough to know how to handle it. So, I wonder again, if I subconsciously chose to cover up.

A little after high school, I wrote a poem. At the time I was proud of my creativity and I never really took it to be more than a smart collection of words that I captured by pen. However, very plainly now, I can see the inventory of what I literally ‘packed up’ during another angry and lost period of my life.

It was as if subconsciously, I had decided that who I was, even when I wasn’t trying to do anything different or to be anything special, kept bumping into these yucky circumstances. And I somehow internalized and translated all of it to mean that I must not have been handling ‘me’ very well. (Hmmm, the root of fear of failure).

As I got older, there would be similar experiences and reactions where I would do this again, and again, and again.

I am sure that if you pause for a moment now, some event(s) from your own life, will flutter to the surface in similarity, even if the defining moments or your response wasn’t the same. There are layers that shaped you, which changed your beliefs about yourself and how you interacted with the world around you.

I am kind of new to this concept, but I think it’s this layering that becomes our masks, known as ego so that others do not see who we are. -The parts of our pride and insecurity where we think that we have to be or become something other than what we are, in order to keep the peace, make others comfortable, or to obtain a certain status.

I won’t dare say that I know enough about ego or recovery to pinpoint how we get there, how we recognize our need for recovery, get a breakthrough, or how we get out of the ego and into our true spirit. But we all have these events and these masks whether or not we ever meant to pick them up or chose consciously put them on.

We might even convince ourselves that this ‘self-mastery’ is some sort of selflessness or strength. -And in some ways, I guess it is… Die to self, right?

Um, I don’t think that’s what scripture meant….

The second thing that surprised me in recovery was not necessarily the pain that I caused others or that others have caused me. I knew those things were there. I felt their sting. I’ve done my best to work with them, and through them thus far, at every opportunity, even before I joined a recovery group.

I was, however, completely sideswiped by how much pain I had caused myself, doing all of that ‘covering up’ that I’ve mentioned above…. SUDDENLY there was this gaping hole that filled up my insides. Like this life that I carefully, picked out, controlled, and pinned down, was ripped away and it snatched all of these layers off that were somehow rooted and entangled inside.

Emotionally, there was nothing in me, of me, that I could recognize, join, reattach, or put together on my own.

It was this gaping hole of Lucie’nne.

Now, this part is hard to explain because ‘gaping hole’ makes it sound like I was never true to myself or ‘always’ neglectful. That’s not what I mean either… I came out of my shell plenty. It was kind of like a subtle undertone that always lingered beneath the surface, questioning many of my moves.

But I was very diligent in taking care of the things that I needed. I exercised. I had a hobby or two. I practiced my faith. I have a healthy social life. I attended and led all kinds of classes, not just limited to Bible Studies. I usually tried things that I wanted to try. Over the years, I even started establishing hard boundaries and started speaking up for myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone; and asking and negotiating things that I wanted.

But for who I was personally and spiritually, I never gave that girl enough credit. –Dismissing my own instincts and intuitions. I always sort of felt like everyone else knew better than me… - Not even realizing how self-deprecating that was. I thought I was just ‘being honest’, maybe even humble, about my role in things.

It’s kind of easy to see from this perspective that all of those little decisions that I made as a child from not feeling good enough, became trappings as I grew older. Barriers that I protected and even fought for.

While I may have been growing in these areas as I got older, my reasons for neglecting myself shifted. I may have been getting stronger but I was also busier. I didn’t really notice something missing that I never really established. I just transitioned to ignoring myself for different reasons. But that was what I knew.

In counseling, I discovered that I was codependent. Of course, I had come a long way (thank God) by the time I learned this label. But for me, I often understood others better than I understood myself. I even felt more responsible for others needs and feelings, rather than my own.

Suddenly at 39 and in recovery, I became very aware of how little I knew myself. Ahem, the only person that I have spent my whole life with. And this gaping hole…. that I had allowed in myself…. Well, I just can’t explain that kind of hurt. –But hurt, it did.

It was like I cheated on myself with that ego or others; like I cheated my spirit out of who she was created to be. (And if it sounds weird to read it, trust that it sounds just as weird to say it. Whatever has been going on with me hasn’t fully settled yet.)

But even though I was cramming a lot of new and good stuff in, the container itself wasn’t the right fit anymore.

…And the wineskin burst!

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Yet, I tried so hard to keep my life ‘tidy’…

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Before recovery, I was desperate for a solution, and trying everything, to soothe this magma bubbling up on the inside, to no avail.

–And really, I swear it was God putting the squeeze on that mold trying to break me out.  All I could feel was the frustration and growing tension within.

It took almost every area of my life needing to get hit at once, in order to break that shell and my pride.

And I was oblivious. I simply had no idea that I was so rooted…

I mean, I knew there was an issue. I knew God was trying to get my attention. I could feel it. I was going deeper and deeper in, trying to get to the bottom of it. -Frantically even. As the restlessness grew, so did my obsession. –Looking in for the solution (with scripture of course).

But Isaiah 43:1 says:

‘I have called you by name and you are mine.’

He knows who we really are and who he created us to be.

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The bubbling rising as I was growing was because he was calling me out, not just in.

So what about you?

Is it possible that the tension you’re feeling is because God is trying to call you out or your soul is begging to be free? If so the pressure will only build until you can’t hold it together anymore.

It’s a good thing you can join him now. It’s a good thing there is recovery.

1. There is an in-depth Step Study for Celebrate Recovery, which is what I attended. The men and women have their own classes. Both just started and you can still join but only for a few more weeks.
• Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm
• Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm
2. In the meantime, practice carving some time out for yourself – even if it’s only 15 minutes here and there to sit and do nothing. -To let life catch up with you. -To let God handle things. You can practice meditating on his word or meditating by being still.
3. Maybe ask yourself what things you’re protecting? Is there something that you won’t talk about because you can’t bear the thought of being found out? –Or because you don’t want to sound terrible? –Or because you don’t want to make other people look terrible? What are you shielding that’s keeping you confined?
4. You might even learn a few interesting correlations if you consider events where you significantly changed something about yourself, to see if they lined up with some other event in your life that had a significant impact. Molded.

Remember that passage about the truth setting us free? –Imagine being yourself and being comfortable with it. Even in a mess and knowing what you know about you. Imagine being able to breathe again. You might not even know if you’re not doing either of those things to full capacity. So imagine being even more authentic, whole, and healed. Imagine Peace. Imagine being able to breathe easier.

It’s what he promises….(John 10:10, John 16:33)

This Step Study is a STEP that helps you get there. It’s your move.

I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I took my first steps.

I am praying with you.

Celebrate Recovery | How it began for me

While I am usually an open book, I am not ready yet to divulge all of the details as to why I attended this program. I am not ashamed but the details are layered, and it either involves or effects other people. I haven’t been able to find my words yet. If I am ever supposed to, I know the Lord will give them to me in his time.

I’ve actually been struggling with a couple of things for a long time now. Sometimes, we’re the last to know how deeply something is bothering us. –Whether it’s like the band Pink Floyd sings in ‘Comfortably Numb’ or if it’s denial in a stage of grief, or if our awareness is road blocked by a limiting belief, or if we’re simply too close to something to be able to see the forest for the trees. There are a number of reasons why we can’t always get to the root of the problem. So, sometimes we just keep struggling.

Heck in her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown even says that ‘Crazy-busy’ is great armor. It’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.’ 

While I think every single one of these reasons played a role in my lack of awareness, that last one, may have been the biggest factor. We have families. We work. There are things to do. –A LOT of things to do. Who has time to just ‘sit’ and dwell on something? Heck even if we try to, there are constant interruptions. –But let's also admit that if something is associated with pain or sadness, most of us aren't jumping up and down to participate.

As for me, my issues came to a head last fall. I have a bit of a temper. My passionate side makes me slightly aggressive by nature anyway. But anger is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. For some reason, no matter what I tried, I just kept getting angrier and angrier. No matter how many church services or Bible studies that I attended. No matter how much I prayed, or who I talked to, or when I ate, or how much sleep I got, or exercised... My poor children got the brunt of it because Mom was usually pretty exasperated.

As it turns out, anger isn’t really a bad emotion. It is more about what we do while we’re angry that counts but anger itself is pretty healthy. It identifies when your boundaries are crossed. It’s a response to injustice (whether it’s to ourselves or others). It signifies when deeper emotions need to be addressed/expressed (shame is also an indicator of that). It’s also part of the grieving process, and a cue that needs aren’t being met…. and flag to so many other things. Anger is a catalyst for change!

For whatever reason, I kept trying to push the anger down, not realizing that it was trying to tell me something. Sadly, it was taking me down too. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid it. But I wanted ‘Fruit of the spirit,’ and we frequently hear messages like 'you are what you think about.' Heck, most of the scripture about anger makes it sound like its as something as simple as 'don't do it.' 

So, dang it. I was trying to spend more time with God and doing what I thought to be healthier things, and trying not to be negative. I was trying to ‘look ahead.’ So, if you’re struggling with an emotion (of any kind) and it keeps getting louder, you might need to pause and start asking it some questions. Then listen to what it has to say.

As for me, at the end of August last year, I had a particularly emotional and trying day with the kids. I was driving down the road and came to stop light. (Screaming like a banshee.) And in my defeat, I just started punching the wheel, while yelling… –Yes, the horn blew with every strike; only calling attention to my insanity, while my kids slumped down in their seats with eyes as big as saucers…. It was a proud mama moment for sure.  –It was also the catalyst that finally made me call a counselor that a friend had given me the name of a few years prior.

Now, I can't wait to tell you about my counseling experience, and those testimonies will come. But a new CR class has just started. I want to share a few more testimonies about that in case it can encourage someone to go. 

I can’t even put into words how the remainder of 2017 went for me, but it was intense. Suddenly, things in almost every corner of my life presented new radical revelations. Each one leaving its own bruise or sting. I experienced physical and spiritual things that I have NEVER experienced before. I snapped. I found my rock bottom. It rocked my faith.

By the end of December, I was very seriously considering checking myself into a hospital. –And I am not saying that for effect. I was really struggling. For the first time in my life, I found myself unable to help someone else, or even manage what was happening to me. I couldn't 'front' if I tried. My boss, friends, and family were starting show concern. And to be honest, I really wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to recover. In many respects, some parts of me never will. –But ‘a new thing’ is emerging in those places though (just like he promises). Those stories too will come at their own pace.

In that ‘fall season' a class for Celebrate Recovery came up again, and I knew that it was time for me to finally attend.

I will share more about my experience with recovery in the coming days. But a session for the Celebrate Recovery Step Study is starting again. I HIGHLY recommend it. Click here to learn more.

You don't have to know the answers or even what is really bothering you. But if you've been struggling with something and everything you've tried isn't helping it get better, I beg you to consider this program. (Please know that every single one of us is struggling with something. Every single one of us can also benefit from this class. Once we're through it, there will be something else in our life that will benefit from our taking it again.)

I certainly experienced benefits. I have also been learning from my anger, learning how to respond to it instead of reacting, and while it's a slow process with a lot of trial and error, it is getting better. It's also a habit and things take time. --But we all deserve a little bit more of that now don't we? Time... and healing... Why not make the room for both of them?

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to message me on Facebook or send me an email. You can even text me if you know me personally and have my number.

Prayers to you friend.

The Power of a Praying Wife | Confession from Chapter One, His Wife

One night earlier this week, I came home to Colin not feeling well and already asleep on the couch for the evening. Sadly, this isn’t unusual. His parents called because he didn’t put their 4-Wheeler back up when he was finished with it. I tried to wake him. “Later” he replied.

Knowing that he’s a man that likes warning, I told him that I’d wake him in an hour to go take care of it. The hour came. I woke him up. Irritated, he got the phone and said “I will call him”. I thought he went outside to smoke and tell his Dad that he was on his way.  –Instead he went to bed and I’m not even sure that he called his dad. No “goodnight”. No “I ain’t doing it”. Nothing.

My feather’s ruffled.

(I had to include it, it just makes me laugh.)

This is an area of struggle for me. For one, I struggle with people pleasing. Especially when it comes to things that ‘I’ think are important. This is an area where I would be a martyr and “take care of it myself.” Except that I’ve never driven a 4-wheeler down 2 boards in the back of a truck. AND it was dark AND I was irritated. AND I have 2 boys that would lose their mind wanting to do it with me.  I just wasn’t comfortable. (Can I just praise God here? This is an area that I have grown so much in. There is a time when I would’ve gone and done it myself anyway! And I can promise you from experience that the bad would’ve gotten ugly.)

If I am not careful, I can start trying to compare our actions and then I wind up judging him and giving a good foundation to anger, which is what started here. You see, I was raised to take care of your things. And especially to take care of things that belong to someone else! A 4-wheeler is expensive and I can’t replace it. It has been difficult for me to not judge him for having different opinions or motives. In his mind it’s made for water and mud. Rain won’t bother it. It wasn't a matter of "caring" or "respect", he was looking at the facts. I suppose he had a good point….

Also, I struggle with the fact that he doesn’t look sick. He doesn’t have cuts or bruises. He doesn’t walk with a limp or have any obvious signs of something being wrong. The things that I’ve read about with Neuropathy are terrible. The pain is 24/7 and excruciating. And in all seriousness, people can lose their legs over this. You take seizure meds to tell your brain that you’re not in pain. And some patients, like my husband, choose to also have stimulators implanted because adding a new pain (electronic stimulus) might help make the other one better. (hmmmm?)

And yet, sometimes I am immune to his sickness because he IS sick 24/7.

If that statement made you flinch at the harshness. Imagine being the wife who says it.

Imagine being her husband.

I flinch at the hardness of my own heart. -A woman that vowed to love AND protect him. –To cherish him. In sickness and in health. A woman that looks at what she thinks her love is verses what God says it should be and cringes because even her BEST human effort will fail to ever compare to God’s incredible standard.

But while it is harsh, it is my truth and it’s my confession. Sometimes, I am immune and even resistant to helping and being empathetic toward my own husband. And I am his helper.

Thanks again Lord for giving me a beautiful guide that will help me grow UPRIGHT.  

And in that conviction, let’s just look at his side for a moment. This event just happened to be on that really cold day that we had this past week. He works outside, in the freezing cold [conditions, I won’t work in], IN PAIN. And your metabolism spikes up to stay warm. I KNOW he had to be exhausted. But still I just want to keep putting ‘I’ first… sigh.

And the 4-wheeler was out because he was spending time with our children. Something that I pray to God that he will continue to do no matter how he feels. (So Thank you Lord for answering another prayer!)

Anyway, the next morning, I sat down to answer some of the scripture questions in the Power of a Praying Wife Study Guide. I begin with question 9. Really God?? You’re SO funny.  

“Do you have any anger, unforgiveness, hurt or disappointment toward your husband?” I tap my pen to think of the nicest way to dance around this question. But it’s blaring at me. Like it has its own eyes and I can’t avoid its stare.

Meanwhile, Colin gets up. He’s sitting on the couch. Trying to greet me and talk to me. I want to give him the cold shoulder so he knows that I am irritated. But in that exact moment, I am being convicted of my wrong actions and having to write a prayer about them. But the prayer is asking God to change me and I can't hold my grudge and change at the same time. I finally had to give in and repent. I also went to the Colin and apologized.

I once heard that an apology with an excuse isn’t an apology at all. Try apologizing without explaining or defending your side. It’s hard. Don’t you want the other person to know “your why”? I’m pretty sure I still slipped some of my side in. But we left in peace and he put the 4-wheeler up that afternoon.

But in my reflection, can I just tell you how hard that night was. To be bottled up and irritated for something that I probably won’t even think about in 10 years. (It’s probably why that handy guide says to not even let the tiniest drop of anger stick around. It will make both of you miserable. For nothing!)

Then it was hard again to admit when I typed it out. (But that’s what I LOVE about Bible Study and meditating on scripture).

Own who you are so God can show you who you can be.

And again, it is hard to share it with others. Truthfully, I almost didn’t. I’ve prayed about it all week.  I don’t want people to see that side of him. I mean, I don’t want people to see that side of me either. But I have to talk about him, in order to talk about me and I don’t want to ever hurt him in that process.

To be honest, others in our family and friends comment to me about things that they think that he should be doing and it hurts me. I definitely don’t want to add to it. I chose this study so that I could overcome myself for HIM. –Both of them!

James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”.  You are the righteousness of God. Woman pray for yourself and your husband!

And 1 Corinthians 7:14 says that even though my husband might still be an unbeliever, he is sanctified through me.

I want to confess the things that hold him captive and break those strong holds. And of course I want his healing. But I also want to confess my actions and have God grow me in the glorifying ways that only he can. Then maybe I can help my husband up.

I know that I am not the only one who struggles in this area. YOU are not alone. –And scripture promises us that the TRUTH will set us free. And it is only God’s truth that frees mine to be… different. Upright. Dare I say Holy?!

And between 1 John 1:5-7 and John 1:5 we see that darkness loses its power when in the light.

So my prayer in Chapter one is that God will hide the sin of my own inequity from my husband. Yet uncover glory in His wondrous way between us. And in Jesus name break anything that tries to wiggle in.

So now, I am giving it to God. I am so thankful for how far we have grown in this area during our marriage. –But I can’t wait to be able to share with someone later on, the wisdom that I gleaned, after we have gotten through it.

I extend that prayer also to you and yours! Amen and Amen!

Photo Credits:

Praying wife: http://www.rpmministries.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Prayer-Confession1.png
Owl: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/02/article-2138367-12E257FF000005DC-866_634x324.jpg

Apology: http://dulyposted.com/never-ruin-an-apology-with-an-excuse-benjamin-franklin/