The first year that we were married, Colin bought me this frame along with several others for Christmas. Knowing that I was interested in photography, he also purchased a camera, accessories and several black and white photography magazines. He even removed several of the prints from the book and placed them in the frames so that they would each contain something better to look at. This one was my favorite.
I never removed the picture and I keep it in our bedroom. As the years have gone on, I love it all the more. Not just because I have a thing for monuments and photography, or because he tore it out of a book for me, but also because it’s a grave with two cherubs looking forward, together, at the cross. I can only hope and pray that we live out our lives the same way, in faith.
As we all know life sometimes moves along so quickly that if you’re not really careful [ahem, intentional] about sticking together, it’s really easy to grow apart.
To combat this, I started this list as some general reminders for myself a while back. I may not pull them off very well or even all the time but some of them have really surprised me in the ways that they have worked. Hopefully, you find the same to be true for you. Feel free to visit back later, as I may add more to it.
1. Be your spouse's spouse – This one sounds like a no-brainer but then at the same time it’s kind of hard, especially if you have accidentally let the kids run the show thus far. So start small and shoot for once a week. Make the kids try to stay in their rooms or go outside. You [the big kids] dominate the living room. Dress up if you want to. Eat what you want for dinner and make all the rules for the evening.
It sounds kind of corny and it might not have to include these details but the end result is kind of like date night. –Except that you don’t have to pay for it or go anywhere. This method can actually happen more frequently than date night too! –And you might even teach your kids that it ain’t all about them.
If you need help distracting the kids, we also restricted when our kids can play electronics to one weeknight & one weekend night. So, they can do this on our night and then they don’t mind not leaving their room. Haha. Everyone wins!
2. Better yet, learn how to be his or her best friend – Here are some tips.
3. Reduce schedules and be home more - All that I can think of is the old adage "Home is where the heart is." -If you are never home.... what does that mean??? I could just be over thinking it but between practice, work schedules, committees, church groups, hobbies & different friendships it’s easy to feel separate when you’re physically not together.
If this is you, take a look at your schedule and start cutting back.
Don’t look at it as another rule to follow. Look at it as carving out freedom for yourself. Have only one kid in a sport during a season and make them take turns. Commit to staying home 3, 4, 5 nights a week or commit to making at least some of those engagements “all hands on deck”. Limit yourself to working late or serving on that committee only X number of days or hours per week. When you meet the quota, oh well, next week will be here soon enough…
4. Make your spouse a ‘Big Rock’ each week – Stephen Covey gives a neat visual on “Big Rocks” and priorities. It’s great in the workplace but per the suggestion of an instructor, I began adding an entry for Colin (and each of the kids) each week. For me, it was a method to improve my listening skills. I’d try to hear him say something and write it down, then do it the following week. Sometimes it’s ordering something or running an errand, many times it’s only baking something for his sweet tooth. (That one is a twofer because you can make it with one of the kids). Anyway, I don’t always pull it off but if you’re putting your spouse on the calendar and to-do list, you’re not always putting them off. Try it! –Bonus Points, if you manage to do it daily! I’ll let your spouse reward you! ;)
5. Have sex - This list really wouldn't be an accurate one if this item wasn't on here. It does more than you think. If your sex life is non-existent because of something as simple as time, recalculate. If there is an actual issue, there are Christian Counselors and even Christian Marriage Sex Podcasts –But don’t leave this part out. Not only does it connect you emotionally and boost esteem. It has some surprising health benefits so you can be 'connected' even longer.
6. The 15-second kiss – For in between the above times, try this.
7. When you want to run away, lean in – Rorke Denver once gave a leadership message that included a story about his wife giving birth. He talked about how, at the most painful part, is when you want to give up and that’s where you’re supposed to push. -That’s also when the child is born. He then said to ‘lean in’ to the hard places.
Well, there are definitely times in marriage that you can’t talk, don’t want to talk or don’t know how to talk. For some of us, the natural inclination is to be alone at those junctions. Next time, try this instead. Sit together and make some sort of physical contact (hand holding, legs in a lap, etc.) The rest of you can be disconnected. Don't even try to talk.
You can close your eyes and practice mindfulness, think positives, pray, read a book, or you can watch T.V. –And you can each do your own thing, it doesn’t have to be a shared distraction. But when you want to run, you’re still choosing to be connected while the rest of you figures it out. Sometimes if you can just get through the awkwardness and take your mind off yourself the other stuff dissipates.
8. Know your love language – Buy the book or take the online quiz and start there. Even if you think you know the types already, ask each other the questions anyway. Most of us react to life circumstances. If you’re responding to each other’s reactions, you might be missing the preferred method(s) altogether. It makes a difference.
9. Pray for your spouse – Prayer isn't so much about changing God's mind or changing our spouses or getting gifts from a genie. It helps to 'fix our own eyes’ [2 Corinthians 4:18].
I feel like I am more aware of my husband when I pray for him. I can see things more clearly from his angle, I consider him more, and I am more forthcoming and/or patient with him when I pray for him. (It's the same for anything else that I pray for.) If this is an uncomfortable thing for you, you might even consider getting a marriage devotional. Most of them include prayers and points to consider or discuss.
10. Remember whose team you’re on -
* Parents against kids instead of kid/parent against kid/parent – plain and simple.
* Don’t let others tear down your spouse – Everyone has opinions. Your family. Your friends. Their family and friends. Sometimes people like to share their not so pleasant opinions about your spouse with you. Even when you don’t agree, nodding your head in silence is sometimes still condoning it! If you're the one doing the talking, stop it! Unite with your spouse and put an end to it or chalk up the things they do right. Scripture tells us that we are one in spirit and that kind of negativity tears you down too.
* Spouse please instead of people please – I used to get all worked up about what other people would think if Colin did this or didn’t do that. Sometimes it was going places, doing something, wearing something. I’d sign him up for things then get all mad because he wasn’t on the same page. We even got into arguments about it. Until I remembered that I made my vows to that guy, not those other people! And if we’re going to be really honest here, I have found myself relieved on more than one occasion to have an ‘out’ and such a great one at that! #TeamScore
11. Send encouraging messages – Texts, emails, love notes, post-its, get creative or use Google and Pinterest for more ideas!
12. Thankfulness journal – Give your spouse some credit for the good things they do and commit to writing something down every day! Better yet, you could use some of what you write down here for ideas in the last bullet!
13. Be honest – Share your peeves, loves, expectations, goals. Fully embrace both of your lists and change your actions accordingly, if necessary. (Dream and laugh a little. Also, don't forget to ask when you need help. -That's being honest too.) I could just say 'talk' but there are a whole lot of things that can go left unsaid in a conversation. It's not just "talking" that gets you closer, be honest!
14. Eat together - Maybe dinner time is an impossible time for your household to be together. What about breakfast or lunch? If you’re on the go for all three meals, then maybe at a minimum you can hold off eating until you stop the car, turn the radio off, face each other and then do it together before breaking apart again. Here are some reasons to consider it.
15. Try each other’s hobbies – Yep, just like it sounds. Try them all at least once but make a few of them semi-regular occurrences. Invite your spouse to do your thing(s) with you as well. Heck, try some new things that neither of you have done before. :)
16. Consider your interactions in other relationships – Originally, I wrote this about our interactions with the opposite sex but depending on the scenarios and our relationships, some same-sex relationships might even need this filter. Plenty of our interactions can seem harmless because they have innocent and legitimate reasons behind them. That doesn’t mean that we can’t all run a few things through filters now and then.
For example, when you have meetings, lunch dates, workout sessions, or if you want to encourage someone or get a gift, just pause and ask a few questions first.
* Have I done this or would I do this for my spouse?
* How would my spouse feel about this if… or how would I feel if it was the other way around?
* If you still can’t decide, ask your spouse about it. “How would you feel if…?” or “I have this coming up and just wanted to make you aware or see if you’re good with that…” If you can't talk to your spouse about it, then you can accept this as your answer. It isn't a good idea or good time to do whatever it is that you're considering.
After all, if the goal is to connect more with your spouse, then maybe you just need to disconnect somewhere else or perhaps include them.
17. Eye Contact – Speaking of disconnecting You do the math on what gets your eye contact in your free time or when you’re together.
18. Better yet, discuss these points with your spouse - Ask him or her what they would change or what ways you can better connect. Whatever new things come out of that conversation or whatever you find that works for you, I’d love to hear about it! So drop a comment below.
I'll be praying with you until then! :)
***
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
P.S. If you'd like a quick (kid-friendly) list to print out, click here.
