Ethan and I were watching
Ice Road Truckers the other night. [If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s based on Truck
Drivers that drive 18 Wheelers in extreme conditions -even across
frozen lakes and rivers
- to deliver
shipments.] Usually one segment will show you several different drivers and their routes and then switch back and forth between them.
In this episode one of the first drivers that we see, is
getting ready to cross a frozen river and the swirling snow was blinding
his view. He straightens his posture and leans in to the wheel. Immediately I
recognize the stance. I’m sure that you have found yourself driving in a storm and it became so hard to navigate that you had to turn the radio off in order to see.
All of your muscles are assume position. You straighten up and lean forward, arms locked on the wheel. -Everything in your body becomes focused on seeing. You just can’t afford to take your eyes off the road.
Of course just as you recognize the intensity
of the moment, the scene switches to a commercial or another driver. A while later the show switches back to the same driver and
you can tell that some time as passed since we last saw him. There are now
bags under his eyes. He says something to the effect of “No matter how many
times I drive this route, I never get used to how serious it is. I am always on full alert because at any moment
I can fall through the ice. The whole truck and I can be swallowed up.” I
imagine how exhausted he must be after holding it together for hours in those
conditions. Achy stiff muscles... dry eyes and mouth... everything in my body just being ready to let go and fall out.
Just as I complete the thought, I am convicted!
Anxiety…
For a little back ground:
There have been a lot of "new things" in my corner of the world in the last few months. I've even hit 3 personal milestones. I started my first bible study in my home. I accepted a promotion at work. My mother even went on a trip with me, my husband and all 3 kids. We even rode in the same car. While those things might not sound like much, they are each very personal to me and hold a significant value.
On top of that I went away for the first time alone on a training event, leaving Colin and the kids for 7 days. We also have some sick family members and more things breaking and you know how life is…. Just as you get used to one set of conditions, everything rearranges and
the familiar has completely changed again.
Anyway, over the last few weeks I too, have been exhausted. I have tried sleeping more. Going to bed earlier and sleeping in later. Taking vitamins, praying and doing anything else that might bring rest but I am just not finding restoration.
I think of the verse
Proverbs 16:9. It says that the man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps. Sometimes that verse sounds so strange to me.
How can we both be planning the same thing? It's a verse that I think about often. However, it can't be more timely than now. I often go into work having to pick the things that I will work on; knowing that there are so many others that I just won't get to. Even as I make the list and work through it, new things appear that are all trying to compete and get my attention.
I realize that although it comes in various forms, it has been anxiety that has snuck in. Many years ago, I used to suffer from anxiety attacks. I would find myself suddenly panic stricken and hyperventilating for no obvious reason. I didn’t recognize this instance because it didn't come with its old familiar outward indications. This recent occurrence has just been an internal ball of intensity that just kept me from resting or being comfortable. It has kept me from taking my eyes of the road.
Now Switching Gears
Have you ever had something (good or bad) that you've been asked to share? You try to comply but you just want to
save a little for yourself. I can't help but think that anxiety is the same way. You can give God everything else in your life or on your list but there is one little something that you just want to hold (or end up holding) onto for a while;
just in case... Maybe it is fear, what ifs, reputation, self-pity, your excuses or even something that you’re supposed to be doing that you still haven't managed to get to. I'm not saying that it's intentional. -Maybe you're just trying to hang on to the wheel.
Whatever it is, when the ice starts cracking, we wind up holding on tighter to what we've got in our hands so that we don't lose it, instead of
reaching out to God.
In this episode, I suddenly realize exactly what has been happening. While I realize that I've been trying to get just through the last two months, I was also trying to tread so lightly [follow so many rules] because at any moment, I felt as though I too could fall through the cracks and be swallowed up myself. I am not tired from working too hard or
simply doing too much. I'm worn
out from trying to keep my own eyes on all of the balls at one time.
But doesn't his word say to cast
ALL of your cares on him. -Not just two or three? What about
the care of holding all of those other little ones together?
While I am really doing the same thing that I do every day,
the new conditions prevent me from being comfortable. Maybe it keeps me from
being cocky. Haha. I am trying to adopt the new requests and the new change of
pace with a positive attitude but truthfully in the days before my trip, I feel
like a toddler resisting one of my biggest breakdowns. It is all that I can do to hold it together. And NOTHING is wrong. I am frustrated because
I can’t seem to reflect the JOY that I know is in me. I am not even sure that I can clearly explain or even pinpoint what is happening.
Days later
I have returned from that first trip away from my family, only to be on another, this time with them. It is exactly what I need. I sit outside in the river collecting rocks with Colin & the kids. I realize that my craving for outside, really is a reminder from God to let go. There is something about being in nature away from technology and corporate world and the demands of life that just cleanses everything and washes it away. While sitting alone in a hotel did offer its own gift of quiet; it just didn't cleanse me.
I get up and read another chapter in a bible study and I
come across the Parable of the bags of Gold. I think about responsibility and really- I don’t want to be responsible for making decisions. I don’t
want to be the one in charge. But
man-
Matthew 25:21 really sums it up and puts it in perspective.
“Well done,
good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put
you in charge of many things! And then he says
Come and share your master’s happiness.” Responsibility is a blessing! What an honor
it is for people to claim you. To trust you. To hold you accountable and to
believe that you are able and or worthy!
And then I get the answer to my question: How can we both be planning the same thing?
You and I might sit down and make that list of tasks. We might even know the direction that we are headed. When the conditions change, it may not change what our priorities are; just our routes to get there and then some tasks might need to shuffle to in order to compensate for the new course. Responsibility is truly work, I know. But there is an honor and a trust and a
respect with each of those tasks that is also given, if we just
follow the
prompting. –
Not what we see but what we hear.
Sometimes life swirls at you. Sometimes we "deliver goods" in
intense circumstances. Having his word
in your heart will guide you when the things swirling around you makes it too hard to see. Almost like the man on the CB; you need to be tuned in to the voice within.
What is it that you and I are turning down when life picks up the pace; the number of tasks or the volume of the Director?
Fast forward a little:
This post is actually several months old now. I got such conviction on that trip with my husband and kids. But in learning the new conditions; trying to also monitor anxiety has been something that I have continued to struggle with. In fact even in a recent conversation with a Supervisor, he commented that he could see that I was still trying to just "pull through a little bit more" and "a little bit more". (Indicating that I am still struggling with stopping when I need to.)
Why is it so easy for us to see how a truck driver might need to pull over for rest or to check in on a CB. Yet, when it comes to emotions and spirituality, we just tend to keep going, and going and going. Maybe it's because our immediate situation doesn't seem like it has as severe consequences as falling through ice. But really, in those critical areas of our life, if we aren't successful by God's standards or in
the right areas, then things can have detrimental consequences or fates...
I have come across so many verses lately that indicate our trials and sufferings are
opportunities for God to reveal his Glory. If ultimately that is our mission [to reveal his Glory] shouldn't our biggest goal be to
stay connected to the Glory while he's in the middle of making it?
As far as anxiety - I've discovered that I simply need boundaries. When I allow myself or life to cross over, I notice that my anxiety increases. It's difficult to keep boundaries in check and to not adjust them for selfish reasons but I hope that tidbit helps you as much as it helps me. When I get anxious, I realize that I need to check in and see what's out of line. I might even post a little something about boundaries soon...
Until then, blessings to you friend. I pray big prayers for each of us on our journeys.
But you, LORD, are a shield
around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. – Psalm 3:3
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