Take Up Your Cross and Follow Me | Part One

Another part of this writing journey, is study. There are some things that I want to know more about. I am using this quiet time to look up those verses and interpretations and then write about how they apply to my life and what I think that God is saying to me personally.

This time specifically, I wanted to know what he meant when he said, "Take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23). Many people interpret that verse as saying that we must carry our biggest burden alone, all the days of our life until we get to Calvary. I don't necessarily believe that.

I believe that it means that our cross does represent all of our pain, our shame and our guilt. It represents our own crucifixion. What we have crucified ourselves for and what others will crucify us for when it becomes known to them. It represents the sin and/or pain that we have felt trapped by and unforgiveness from. -The sin that we have given to God and but then also found his redemption.

That horizontal bar is an indication that we must go and and testify about how awesome our God is and about how he personally has touched and renewed our lives by his saving grace. We should be ready to testify to everyone because we may never know who it is that needs to hear it. Who it is that is still trapped by that same sin. Who it is that desperately needs redemption from that same dark place.

We need to be prepared to give that account to anyone at all times (1st Peter 3:15). Our testimonies are not just about introducing people to a God that they have never heard about. It's about being a witness to what you have seen him do in your own life that confirms that he is real and available to anyone that desires him.

Even the devil believes that there is a God (James 2:19). There are "believers" everywhere, inside the church and out. Even so, believing in him and experiencing his salvation are two totally different things and for some, Jesus is just too far... Too far to have to say out loud "Here I am".

He's too far and to have to utter out loud the ugliness inside, because others might also hear it. He's too far for those who have been wrestling with themselves all the days through and they are exhausted. He is too far for some to believe that he would come down from the heavens and rescue them because they feel so unworthy.

We have to testify for them:

 "I have seen the glory of God in my life and in my soul."

"You don't have to hide because he knows who you are and he wants you near him. -With him."

"It's safe to come out and I know this because, here is what I have done and and where I have been and I know that he loves you because he loves even me."

And in doing so, we are taking that cross and laying down at the feet of those who need it, so that they can use it as a bridge to travel over. So that they can see that they too, can receive his love and salvation. So, that they can understand that his redemption really is there and already waiting and it's free to every one that believes. He paid the price when he hung down the length of that other bar for all of the world to see.

***

Interestingly enough, last week in class, someone said that they heard that you should never ask for wisdom. Then I found verse (Proverbs 4:7 NIV), "Get  wisdom. Though it cost all you have,  get understanding." My original verse of Luke 9:23 is also followed by, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it..."

Part of "Taking up your cross" is being willing to sacrifice your reputation, your ego, your comfort. I am sure that there are circumstances where a real physical death must occur. But mostly, I think that giving up your "life" means that we need to become uncomfortable at some point in our faith walk. If we really believe what we say that we do, how do we work it in our own life? Are we willing to carry a cross and reveal our secrets, even if we lose friends, jobs, and reputations because of it? ...Crucifixion.

I can see now how someone would say that we shouldn't ask for wisdom. Sometimes, when we ask God for clarification of something, like this verse, he might also want us to do something with that information. We have to apply it. We have to use it, otherwise, of this all has been written in vain.

With that being said and having no easy way to say this, I am going to offer my cross to you.

My Cross | Part Two

(If you are reading this, please know this this is a 3 part story. It is recommended that you read part one before continuing.)

Many years ago, I had a brief relationship with a man and I became pregnant. While neither of us knew each other well, we intended to embrace this child. It became obvious, at least to me, almost immediately that we were not necessarily a good pairing.

When I called him on a Tuesday night to break it off, he became angry. I do not dispute that he had good reason. However, he began to say some really dark things and one of which was that he was going to wait nine months, kill me and take the baby.

I get that anger is a mask. His probably covered fear. If I had to guess, I'd say fear of what our separation might mean to his role of fatherhood. I had intended to live within walking distance of him our whole lives so that we could share our roles, but he didn't ask me for clarification.

In my most afraid moments, I've never threatened someone's life, even if I didn't mean it. Unfortunately, I didn't ask him for clarification either. I too became afraid and I panicked.

In a moment, I forgot about how I said that I would "never have an abortion." In a moment, I forgot about my pro-life bumper stickers and anything more important that I might need to consider. I thought to myself, if he can kill me, what might he do to my child and I might not be here to protect him or her. I don't want my baby to suffer. Do something now before it's too late.  I called the clinic the next morning and had an abortion the next day.

Don't try to compare how his potential harm could be any worse that what I did. You will never reconcile that. I know, I have tried. Some of you might even be willing to dispute choices, rights or values but if God thought enough of a life to make it, who are you and I to question it's validity or purpose.

We could dispute timing and whether or not or even when a life becomes a life, but Mark 10:9 says "What God has joined together, let no man separate." Is a child not joined together in a mothers womb, even as a fetus or an embryo?

It doesn't matter where you stand on that platform. I've been on both sides and no matter what I thought that I would do, I became capable of something else that I couldn't fathom, in that moment of having to choose.

From the other side of that fence, I will tell you this- It does not matter what age or function you, I, or even science can define, there is a maternal connection from the moment of conception. The SOUL knows about the mysterious and divine purpose of what is growing inside. Science, medicine, the advice of peers, the facts on paper, the environment we're in- NOTHING that aides in the decision for choosing an abortion will ever prepare a woman for the grief and the guilt that follows it.

I share my cross, because if you are pregnant, whether or not you believe in certain rights; if you have found your self considering an abortion. I beg you to petition your heart. Seek more than the mere council at the clinic or your peers. It is not a quick decision or a simple choice. It is a cross road. Once you go down it, there is no undoing it. While some may be shielded from the aftermath, there are many who would say that a part of your soul dies along with that child. Deut 30:19 says "Choose life, so that you may also live!"

My perspective is certainly from the mother's side but there are also fathers that share this burden. Whether it's a man or woman, there is someone reading this that doesn't know that there is still hope "for a sinner like me." They are still trapped in that darkness and it's likely that they would never find their way to healing because they just don't know that they are still worth it or that there is help available. I didn't know that there was a bible study for abortion, but it was life changing. I share my story because I want to help change someones life. And in doing so, I get to also talk about my other child.

I write this for a genuine love for Christ and his people and an appraisal of my faith. I can't know this and then not do something with it. Not everyone is as "personal" as I am. It seems so wasteful to have a gift like that and then not use it for the glory of his kingdom.

This will sound so cliche but it was only Jesus that saved me from the pain of what I'd done. So, this is my cross. I lay it at your feet. Use it as a bridge to cross over if you need to...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Mathew 11:28)

****

If you know me or live near me, please also know that I've spoken with my preacher about leading these classes. You can message me if you want to be notified about the details. If you're not near me, you can check out this link for more information. http://www.nlfs.org/postabortion/. There are also other studies that you can research. Just search post abortion bible study. Most material also has an outreach for men.

The Other Side Of that Dirty Word | Part Three

The Other Side Of That Dirty Word | Part Three

(If you are reading this, please know this this is a 3 part story. It is recommended that you read part one and part two before continuing.)

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Antidotes and curiosity.
Prayers and Sympathy.
All good intentions but mail-
left undeliverable.

***

Feeling helpless as you wait and you watch.
The day in-
          -The day out.
knowing that something is going to happen and you are unable to stop it
it’s already happened.

You just rewind the wheel.

***

In my mind there is panic.
I shove from me, 
Scripture, I’ve rehearsed.
Hands, of those who love me.
Who, I said that I was, before you.
c o n s o l a t i o n 

...but never you

They are all
no longer visible.
I disappear into the darkness.
I can’t even find my 
self...

Knowing that being hollowed out is more than an empty womb.
Needing something to rock but having nothing to hold.
I didn’t bury my child
or save a sweet reminder.

Our fates hang in unrest

***

I envision a little girl.
Sometimes arms outstretched.
But full of questions.

I envision a little girl with curls, a toothy smile.
A tear streaked face.
Does she know me?

But I don’t even know if it is he or she that haunts me.

***

I send a birthday wish in an imaginary balloon and hope 
-it reaches the heavens-
Every year.

I send another full of sorrow
and I wonder if it can float that high since it feels so heavy.
Every year on the other day…

***

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Those words fall to the ground.
Life was lost when I didn’t choose it.

***

In the span of time, photographs
would have shaped into the face of a woman.
I am sure that you are beautiful.

But the one I carry is not from this time.
It’s in my heart and it’s unmovable.

It is of how 
you will always be-
My baby.



***********************************
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18



What you have read above, is not a burden that I still carry but it is important to recognize the grief accompanied by abortion. If you have had an abortion and are struggling with your decision, please know that there IS healing and hope in our Lord. I lead classes on Post Abortion Trauma and Forgiveness. If you are interested in classes and live near me, please message me for details. If you're not near me, you can check out this link for more information. There are also other studies that you can research. Just search post abortion bible study. Most material also has an outreach for men.

Hearing God Speak and Feeling the Holy Spirit | Notes

Rev 10/31/14

Here are some notes that I've made for myself. When I am struggling to hear God or if I feel like he's too far away. I come do a quick check from the list below. I am adding to it as I go. So, if you have any additions, please send them my way.  May these also be a blessing to you! The picture below isn't mine but it's a great addition to my stash.

1. For me, communication with the Holy Spirit is more like an awakening or quickening of the spirit. While it has been a loud voice on an occasion, it wasn't one that I heard in my ears and it's not always in words. Many times I feel God speak by what is brought to my mind or heart in prayer, while someone else is speaking or while I am reading the bible. There is a sudden profoundness that touches me.

 1^st Cor 2:10 says “For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God.”

2. Exercise your faith and EXPECT him to speak to you. You will get what you expect. If you allow yourself to think that God won't talk to you, you probably wouldn't really listen for the answer. How can you have a "relationship" with someone that you don't expect to communicate with you? 

(In John 20:10-18  Jesus had risen from the dead. My commentary says that "Mary didn't recognize Jesus at first. Her grief had blinded her; she couldn't see him because she didn't expect to see him. Then he spoke her name and immediately she recognized him. Imagine the love that flooded her heart when she heard her savior saying her name. Jesus is near you, and he is calling your name. Can you, like Mary, regard him as your Lord?")

3. Read your Bible. I hear him and/or feel the presence of the Holy Spirit more often, when I am making it a point to read the bible regularly. So, spend time reading his word and learning what he says. (With that being said, invest in a good bible. I have a Life Application Bible. It comes in most translations and you can also get the additional features like thumb indexes and large print. You will pay more for those but you may not want to buy another one later, so get the one that you really want! You will be more inclined to read it if you get it “just right”. I like this bible because it has great biographies, interpretations and background details that explain what the verses are talking about.)

4. God talks to each of us in a way that we understand. 

5. Sometimes there are small things that God wants us to do. If we aren't making sure to do those small things, he's not going to give us bigger tasks.

6. Journaling is a great way to track those small things. Sometimes, it's the letter that I've been meaning to send or a phone call that I need to make. It's such a small and tiny thought that I don't often even consider it as a "to do". 

7. Repentance – Isaiah 59:2 says that sin separates us from God. If you’ve ever had an argument with someone, you know what it’s like when you’re trying to avoid them. Sin, also turns your own heart away from God. So, don’t leave room for it. When you feel like God is far away, ask him to reveal what might be the cause. If it is sin, confess and repent [Turn from. Stop doing].

8. Obedience is key –  This line might seem a little confusing. You and I are sinners. Even when we “try our best” we still sin every day. We will never be “perfect”. But I ask you to consider this- I once heard the statement that "even delayed obedience is disobedience" and of course we all recognize that disobedience is sin. If #7 says sin separates how would/could obedience affect your relationship? rev10/31/14

9. When you pray for something and he answers, don't take the credit for it. Remember him and thank him.

10. Pray about it and ask him to speak to you. Sometimes we're waiting for God to do 'a big something' but we don't really have a desire to even ask or check in with him about it. Just like sin turns our heart away, asking turns our heart toward... 

11. Find a quiet place and limit your distractions. Get up early or use your lunch break. Steal quiet any way that you can get it and spend it with him.

12. Be sure to keep listening for the answer. 

13. The more faithful that I am to him, the more that I can recognize how faithful that he is to me. 

14. The more I share what I feel like he's telling me the more I hear him speak. Maybe it’s because that testimony keeps us fired up and looking for more.

15. What people refer to as their "gut"/ I believe that my gut instinct is the spirit. I changed this because this was worded incorrectly. Romans 9 says our conscience can be in agreement with the Holy Spirit. Titus 1:15 also says that our conscience can become defiled. Our conscience can be a good tool but it is more important to rely on the word of God. rev10/1/13

16. We have to be honest about our attitude in our heart. If you "don't have time to listen" that will reflect in what we hear. 

10/1/13 – added the following:

17. Salvation - I found myself wondering if salvation impacted whether or not you could hear the word of God or even feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 2:20 and 1 Corinthians 6:19 both say that the Spirit lives within us.  However, John 10:27 that says “My sheep know my voice.” If you’re struggling to hear him, perhaps salvation is a factor. Of course, we might have also accepted Jesus at some point but maybe we aren’t necessarily living with him in a way that reflects that he is our Lord.  I’d ask you to consider your relationship with him as well.

Then on 12/25/13 I found John 8:47 - "He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason that you do not hear is that you do not belong to God."   (1/24/15 - In that very same chapter in verse 28, Jesus is also explaining that his discernment & teaching also comes from the Lord. And that we won't recognize that until we also believe (and live like) Jesus died on the cross for us. Also check out the parable of the sower.

18. Be wary of self. – You will always come up with good ideas. The closer that we get to God, the more that he will change the desires in our heart and even the things that we think. Sometimes, the thoughts will seem so foreign to us that we can attribute them to God. However, they might simply be your own ideas or it could even be the devil. So, when you’re feeling led to do something, be sure to know who’s doing the leading.

19. Be wary of the Devil - Make sure what you’re hearing isn’t the devil. – 2 Corinthians 11:14 says that even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. In the Garden of Eden, the serpent spoke to Eve and 2 Corinthians 11:3 says: But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. The picture in this post is a pretty good reference for this.

20. Humility – Finding a worship song that can move you to tears is a good way to “tap your self back down”. Here are a few songs that I like. These links aren’t necessarily the best version of each song but it’s as close as I can get right now.  “How Great Is Our God” preferably by Hillsong but this link is Chris Tomlin.  “Redeemer” by Nicole Mullins.  “The Real Me” by Natalie Grant.  “Unashamed” by Chris August.” Whether it’s music, a sermon or prayer, get moved for God and then try talking to him about your relationship.

21. The still small voice - 1 Kings 19 refers to God's voice as a still small voice.  It is true. That voice is so still and small it's no wonder that we miss it. I took a study a few years ago called "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby. It helped me tremendously. I highly recommend it but know that you should do the lessons. With any study, you will only get out of it, what you put into it.

10/16/14 -

22. Check out the picture at the top of this post. I've found that this description is particularly true when I am at a cross road. For example, I will feel like God is asking me to change something, like 'go here'. But then a larger voice will almost drown out the small voice with a bunch of details, questions, plans, etc. I might find myself almost paralyzed because of all of the information that I don't know. While, I might be the one causing the confusion with the extra info, I attribute more of it to the Devil because I will end up getting so confused that I start to consider bagging the whole thing. That is exactly what the devil wants is for us to bag God's plan. God's directions are usually (at least for me so far) pretty simple, like 'go here'. He will give me the next step when it gets closer.  I know that I need to clean up the wording here but I didn't want to forget to add it and right this minute I am short on time. But this one ties in with # 19. The devil is adding to God's plan, to make me reconsider it.

23. In Tension. Andy Stanley has a great sermon called "Pay Attention To The Tension" and it is wonderful. I am learning that when God is trying to get my attention, there is often a tension around the thing of interest. Check it out.

Journaling | Notes

Original Post 3/22/13
Last updated 8/26/15

Here are some of my own notes about journaling. I will continue to add to this list as I go. I would also love to hear your additions. Please feel free to comment below!

1. You and I don't realize how many things that we don't give to God on a daily basis. We mean to pray about them and intend to talk to God about them but we don't always manage to do so. When we take the time to sit down and write about it, we are not only more passionate about it but we're also more specific and in depth. Not to mention focused on seeking God in it!

2. By journaling, you and I can go back [later] and see how God answers our prayers. Then it can become a blessing book. 

3. It's easier to identify the action items or things that we need to do in response to the situation.

4. Increase the impact of your journaling by making it a study tool. Pray, asking the Lord to speak to you. Study the Bible writing down any specific verse(s) that come to mind or that you look up. Then write down all of your little thoughts as you unpack the meaning of that scripture, or "ah ha" moments that you have when you feel like the Lord is speaking to you. 

• Proverbs7:1-3 My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart.

5. Writing down your experiences and thoughts will also give you a reference point. If you forget something, you can go back and look it up in your journal.

6. Seeing how much God responds to you gives you "evidence" that he is with you more than you think he is. 

7. Since I have gotten serious about journaling, it has significantly helped me focus on my faith. I write almost every day, even if I don't share what is written. In order to do that, I am constantly listening (or at least trying hard to). -Which also means that it helps me stay in a more constant state of prayer. 

8. Because of that, it also helps me gauge how much time I am spending with God. Sure, I read the Bible. I go to church. I attend Bible study. But am I really listening to God during those times and in all of the other moments in between??? For me, if I don't have time to write or if I don't have anything to write about, it most likely means that I have gotten too busy doing other things instead of spending time with him. I don't think that my faith would be the same if I didn't write or journal. 

9. Consider the books of the Bible. Are they not journals kept by men and women before us? How powerful are their words? Look at how much the words affect the writers and the readers. How much does writing seem to support those that are strong in faith?

10. Get over your hang up about people finding out what you write. If we can't be honest about where we are because someone might find out, it's likely that we're also withholding from God. If you don't want to write it, type it up and hit save instead.

11. Many studies show that writing helps you remember.  I'll let you do your own research for that but I can say that journaling about it has helped me remember scripture better than simply trying to memorize it. I just can't help but think of the verse:

• Luke 22:19 - Do this in remembrance of me.

12. The verses in this bullet are simply for the writer in me: - I used to write poetry. I also wrote on yearbook staff and I loved writing essays. I have even dabbled in writing songs. This blog has taken "writing" to a whole new level for me. It is far more satisfying than anything that I have ever written on my own. Not because I am writing something but because of the things that the Holy Spirit convicts me of in the process of writing out all of the thoughts and notes.

• 1 Peter 4:10 - Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

• Psalm 45:1 My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

• 2 Corinthians 3:2-6 - You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

13. Blogging in particular has helped me share the Word not just online but in a personal setting as well. I have a terrible memory and I might not remember the exact scriptures while talking with a friend; but having it online and so easily accessible, allows me to quickly go back to my experience with the same subject and find that scripture again. It also helps YOU when you need the reminder. You don't have to wait until you get home to go look it up. If you're uncomfortable with a public blog you can use an app like Evernote (or one of these), which you can access from any pc, tablet or smart phone.

14. Journaling gives you a place to do something with that conviction or that thought. This item kind of turns into #4 after a little practice. But it starts by "I don't want to forget this" and so you put it into a file and come back to it later when you have more info about it. We don't always get the information at one time. Sometimes there is a process that we must go through to get the next step. Journaling gives you a way to organize those thoughts until you know what to do with them.

Journal resources and activities:

1. Get a timer. Set it for 15 minutes and just write a steady stream of words. Don't stop for spelling or corrections. If you don't know what to write, start with "I am holding a pen and writing on a piece of paper until I find something to say..." Then continue until the words flow. If it's a new habit then it will take time to get used to it.  -But keep practicing!

Or checkout this page with other resources that I have come across.

Unraveling the knot(s)

I don't know if any of you have ever read the "Purpose Driven Life” but I did years ago. Upon completion, I had made the connection between a significantly painful area in my life and a potential ministry opportunity later on down the road. I knew that it wasn't time then and figured that I would get that confirmation later if or when that changed.

In the last year or so, I have started to feel as if that time is approaching. Then with the realization that all of this writing is simply a continuation of testimony, I told God that if he needed me to talk about it; then he was going to have to take me back to that place so that I could remember. I know that sometimes it's easier to connect with someone when you can speak on their behalf.

It's funny how God reveals a tiny but significant piece of the puzzle, like that testimony bit, and I suddenly feel like I need to DO something different. I've spent the better part of the last week engulfed in feelings that needed sorting, actions that might need doing. Some were mine and some were God's. I was so stuck on "WHAT TO DO" and when.

Yesterday, I thought about unraveling a necklace. I'm sure most of you can recall having a fine and delicate chain that had become heavily knotted. You start to unravel one knot and almost get it free and then the whole knot slips further or tighter somewhere else or new knot forms. We try again and the same thing happens and so we switch to another side. At some point we start thinking, my fingers are just too big, if only I had a tool, perhaps a needle... When even that doesn't work, we get so frustrated. We know that if we continue, we're going to break it. We need to put it down.

That's kind of where I have been this week. I want the whole thing unraveled. If not for me, perhaps it's for someone else but I want the perfect resolution(s) to each one of those knots. The devil knows this too and if I get too frustrated and act in haste, I can ruin the whole thing. Or he's trying to get me so afraid of the consequences that I put it back in the box, hopefully for good.

Discernment can be very difficult. Good intentions can seem like the right answer and you can find a bible verse to justify just about any one of them. But even good intentions can be sin if it wasn't God's timing or even his instruction. I realize now that I'm the one that asked God to take me back to that place. He did. He showed me where each one of those knots were. I was able to capture a lot of different angles but he hasn't asked me to do anything yet.

I kind of knew that this was going to be a year of waiting on the Lord. That is very hard for me. I am such a happy little doer. It's no wonder that he doesn't show us more to his plan all at once. look how easy it is for us to get carried away with just an idea.

I also have to laugh a little at God's humor. One of my favorite verses is (Ecclesiastes 4:6 NIV) "Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind." I'll let you guess which one he used to talk to me about this.

Either way, he has all of the tools that are needed. I just need to keep my hands out of it. God will make it what it should be in time.

A piece of the puzzle

Last July I told God that I would give my testimony at church in December. It would be a Christmas present to him. It took me forever to write and as the weeks drew into a close, I had finished but wasn't satisfied. I prayed and asked God to make my testimony mean something to someone else and not just me. I realized that I wasn't happy with what I'd written because I skirted the edges of where I've been. There wasn't any meat in the soup. So, I rewrote it. I shared it with the class the Sunday before Christmas.

In the weeks that followed I still felt like writing. I had been scribbling thoughts on random pieces of paper here and there but for some reason, I felt the need to put them together. I put a long post on Facebook. Then a couple days later the same thing happened. -Then again. I thought to myself, what on earth am I writing? Is this some sort of devotion? I wasn’t sure but I kept on writing...

Then I recalled another prayer that I prayed from an October Women's retreat. I asked God to stick his big ole' spoon into the belly of my soul and stir up any of those parts of me that might've settled to the bottom. I asked him to scoop them out and fill me up with more of him so that I could share it with others. Oh my, has he been scooping! He's been bringing up some things that haven't been in the light in a while.

I realize now that these posts are what he's scooping out. Some are heavy. Some are light. -That part about my testimony meaning something... Well, I see now that's what this is. My testimony. -A whole year’s worth. Where he's been in my life and where he's working with me now. Hopefully, for those who know me, they can also see evidence in me, that God was here.

I can’t help but think that it’s funny how this has laid out.  Had he told me from the beginning, that I should take a year to write a testimony; I think that I would’ve laughed at him. However, it has turned out to be such a blessing to me. I don't know what happens in 2014 but for now, I hope that these posts will be a blessing to you as well.

                                                                                                Love, Me

Freedom | Part Two

When I was in the 7th grade, I fell off of a four wheeler but I got caught underneath. I was drug about 75 yards down a dirt road. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as it could've been. I ruined a good pair of jeans and I earned my first case of road rash. –But even that was only limited to my ankle.

For as small as that wound was, it was such a difficult thing to work with. Getting dressed or attempting shoes became a challenge that I never had to think about before. It was fall and so shorts weren’t exactly an option. I’d cringe trying to slide my foot through the pant leg without touching anything. Once my foot was through, I was then concerned about the hem. Even though I had a bandage, I could feel its presence, just begging to touch that tender layer underneath.

Walking through the halls at school was another problem. My wound was on my foot. Unfortunately, the eyeballs of others are on the opposite end. Between each class we'd squeeze through a hall packed like sardines. Other people just couldn’t see that I was injured.  As sure as I feared, someone got too close and his shoe hit my calf and slid the entire way down the rest of my leg.

As gross and as painful as you are thinking that might've been; it was. I lashed out. I chewed him, up one side and down the other. The days after, I would hit that hallway armed with my crutch held out like a barrier. I would lash out again at anyone that even acted like they were going to try to ignore it.

The worst part about it was that nothing that I was doing to treat it was helping. I tried to keep a salve on it but then it stayed a gooey mess and stuck to everything. I tried to let it dry out and then it would crack and split. I kept bandages on it because either way, it was messy.

Eventually, I started letting it soak in salt water and then airing it out at night. It wasn’t until then, that it made progress closing up. I don't even remember how long that process took. My scar is so faint now, that really, only God and I could tell you where it is.

As I think about that, I am surprised by the similarities between physical wounds and emotional ones. Some are much deeper and it's impossible for anyone other than ourselves and God to know exactly what hurts.

A physical wound that's left untreated can get infected and in extreme cases, it can turn into what is known as blood poisoning or sepsis. Sometimes, when this happens, you will develop lines from the wound, extending back toward the heart. It is believed by some that this is the path that the poison will travel. Once it makes it back to your heart, the heart will also become infected and it will then spread that poison to everything else.

You and I are not doctors. Our attempt to dress emotional wounds is about the equivalent of covering the wound with one hand and then with the other hand, pushing everyone and anything else away. Only, holding onto a wound doesn't heal it or make us stronger. We end up smothering the wound and creating a place for infection to grow. We might not get physical lines on our skin but I am sure that the path in our life reflects whether or not the poison has made it to our heart.

A month before I got married, a dear friend’s husband was killed in an automobile accident. I didn't know him that well but my heart hurt for my friend and her loss. For reasons that I didn’t know then, I started acting out in some really strange ways. I tried to call off the wedding. I thought of every reason why the marriage wouldn’t work. I had pretty much worked myself into a fury and convinced myself that I didn’t even like Colin. -All in just a matter of a few days.

Of course Colin wasn’t on the same page at all. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pried and he pestered and to be honest, he flat out pissed me off. It made my soul ache. Colin's face became the mask to my anger. I became so downright ugly. I said a lot of things that I probably needed to say, but they had nothing to do with him.

In hind sight now, all of this was like my accident at the beginning of this story. I was already wounded. I didn’t know how to heal the wound and so, I just covered it up. By no means do I want to shift the significance of my friend’s death, but it reopened that same tender place in my own heart. Suddenly, Colin was much too alive and too near to something that hurt so badly. I was floundering to make the stinging stop. I didn’t have a crutch but I was desperately reaching for barriers.  

Thankfully, Colin must be a bit crazy too because he married me anyway. He sure didn’t have an easy road though. For starters, I didn’t know what a true commitment was. I knew that it was more than a word, some shared space and a pretty ring.  –But I didn’t really know what exactly I was aiming toward.

The other problem was that I still had one hand over an old wound and one hand keeping him a way. I wasn’t offering him anything. I wasn’t accepting anything. In so many ways, I was simply withholding. -From him, myself and from God.

We found a Christian counselor and I was sure that the man would agree with me that Colin was doing so many things wrong. –But instead, the truth began to surface. I had lost a baby from a previous relationship. I don't know if it was guilt or fear or some kind of self-punishment but I just couldn’t let Colin get too close.

I wonder if in the back of my mind, I held him at bay because getting closer to him might lead to more babies.  “After all, you get married and…” Maybe holding onto the pain was the only thing that I had left from what was before and I didn’t want to betray it. Maybe I just didn’t think that there was anything salvageable left in me and so I didn’t even try to piece myself together.  Quite simply, I believe that it was a mixture of all of these things, including some others that I may still not know.

Overwhelmed by the heaviness and seeing no way out, I gathered up all of that hurt and wrapped it around myself like a cocoon. I was lost somewhere inside. It’s no wonder that I felt like he was hurting me, there was no way to get to me without touching some part of it. No matter how sincere his heart was or what he tried, everything hit that nerve. There was no safe place exposed.   

That counselor introduced me to a bible study about this type of loss. I didn’t even know that such a thing existed. I think about the verse in Mathew 5:13 that talks about the salt and light. Much like those salt water baths that I used on my ankle, that study cleansed my soul. God was using it to bind up my wounds. (Ephesians 147:3)

Healing is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight or even right away. Psalms 34:14 says to “seek peace and pursue it.” It’s taken 14 years for me to get to this place. Sometimes it is still tender but I have a scar now. While God and I are the only two that know the story behind it, I can show you where it is and even let you touch it.

There is a freedom in taking both hands and letting go.