O' to be in love...

I will never forget the day that I saw Colin for the first time.  I was 14 and I was in my freshman year of High School. After school, many of our friends would go to various locations to play football. I would ride along. While they played, I sat on the sidelines and held keys, wallets, hats, etc. -Occasionally cheering, but mostly yelling smart comments and talking to the other girls that might be sitting with me.

Then one January day at Peasley Middle School, I noticed someone that I hadn't seen before. He caught my breath and I remember watching him walk, almost in slow motion, back to position for the next play. I leaned over and asked my friend Vicky who he was. She told me his name was Colin, to which I replied "I'm going to marry that boy some day!"

Over the next few months, no matter how hard I tried, I never ran into him at school. I attended many games and occasionally caught a glimpse of mister aloof. Eventually, I did run in to him again at one. I talked him into letting me hold his glasses. At some point I hijacked a necklace and it just went on from there. By April I was completely, obnoxiously, squealy-school-girlishly, in love.

Don't you remember young love? Oh, how it makes me embarrassed and glad all over again, to think of it. I'd doodle his name over and over. Then change it to variations of mine and his together. I memorized his birthday and favorite colors, favorite bands and past times. I schooled myself in "the ways of Colin" and even tried to be more like him myself. It was easy to learn about his interests and even adopt some of them because of how much I loved and enjoyed being with him.

It didn't matter what I was supposed to be doing, if he called, I was hurting myself to get to the phone. It didn't matter if I'd get in trouble over not doing my chores instead. It never occurred to me to care what my friends or other people thought because I knew in my heart that ... HE was it.

We've been married 13 years now. The places that I grew confidence in him, were not in the things that I memorized; but in things that became known by spending time with him. I've come to trust him in ways where I didn't even know that I was SO untrusting. It is those revelations that have convicted and stirred something deeper inside of me. Not only in my own heart as I challenge myself to offer more, but also in what I expect to receive as we allow our lives to further intertwine.

The NIV translation of Isaiah 62:3-5 says:

You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,

a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

No longer will they call you Deserted,

or name your land Desolate.

But you will be called Hephzibah,

and your land Beulah;

for the Lord will take delight in you,

and your land will be married.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will your God rejoice over you.

"So will your builder marry you..." I think about that verse and I find so many convictions. Not only in how much my relationship with Colin shows me what I still withhold when I profess that same "love" to God. Do I offer even a fraction of the same consideration or attention?

Wasn't I committed to finding Colin when I chased that boy around? How much effort have I spent chasing God? Even in my dress and what people see- Are they things that I am willing to change in order to draw closer? Do I desire to know as much about God because HE IS IT? Does he have my heart? Likewise, the more I learn about God, the more I discover the flaws in my own offerings to my husband and to others. Does my love, really match up to his definition?

While some of those questions might seem absurd, particularly referring to an "eye in the sky" God- I think of that one line again. So will your builder marry you... How much more intimately can someone be known than as the builder would know his creation? -The hidden secrets or thoughts. Understanding my hows and whys... And what more personal relationship can you have, than marriage?

I have discovered that God is far more personal than I was ever interested in being. Keeping him at a distance, made it easier to not know what might be revealed ...or expected or even what I was capable of through him.

No matter how many times I thought about moving closer, I just somehow kept dancing around it. -Getting deeper was such a mysterious, intriguing... o b s t a c l e. It's funny how even that sounds like the first few years of my marriage to Colin... But "No longer will they call you Deserted".  You will no longer be an island to yourself. You will be married and become one. -To know and be known.

Just like those revelations and my untrusting bit; faith is also a confidence. In fact the very definition of trust says that it's a "reliance on the strength, ability, surety, etc. of person or thing; confidence." But in order to trust, you must give something of yourself first. Only then will you find out if something is worthy of that trust.

When we finally allow ourselves to go beyond our fear, our anger, our way or only what we know to be true; do we change... It is in reaching beyond our comfort zone, that we finally move closer. The growth comes in the defeat and conquer of ourselves as we learn to give up control. It is in offering our weakness and not only our strength that we become one.  In fact, I'd say it's in the very weakness, where the joint lies that we connect.

Isn't it work sloughing off all of that hard exterior in order to get to the center of our hearts? You have to develop new skills in order to learn what does and doesn't work. But if we hang in there, in time we will gain knowledge. Isn't it easier to rely on something when you know what it is and what it does? And when you have that knowledge it is so much easier to appreciate what it is before you. 

Agape... -Growing from immaturity to maturity with our beloved...

Just as verse 1 John 3:18 says that we are NOT to love with words but with actions;  Romans 12:9 says that love must be sincere. Isn't it so much easier to do anything when you have a real love for it?  When you want the 'it' more than you want things to stay the same. It is our commitment that will bond or break us. Our commitment is what will prove just how deep our love for 'it' is.

If we are not committed in the beginning, we never get past the superficial "fluff" of love. Somewhere in the middle, if we don't remind ourselves again of our commitment and the prize, we often don't have the encouragement we need to go into the next level.  But man if you can make it to the other side... there are no words for what you will find.

Challenge yourself today to be in love! -To go deeper! -Even past the point of being uncomfortable. Are you really in love enough with someone else to see beyond... and maybe even move?

Love --> Commit --> Skills --> Knowledge --> Trust --> Connect --> Appreciate --> Love
--> Repeat the above and go deeper!

***

Mark 12:30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. 

John 13:34-35 Love one another as I have loved you.

Putting On Christ

This year and last year, I have spent time writing devotions for a local camp.  Each year a theme is picked based off of an anchor verse. Daily devotions are written for each day of camp around that theme and verse. I have not posted the devotions that will be used. I may do so later after the camp for this year is over.  

Anyway, as I was fleshing out subjects for each day, I wrote this devotion but it didn't quite match up with the theme. The theme was about armor and this devotion was more about what might be underneath it. So, I didn't use it. Ironically, it does coordinate well with the last post that I wrote about dress. Since it's not going to be used at camp. I thought I'd share it here. 

2014 Camp theme: Keep Calm ... and Armor On... Daily

2014 Anchor Verse: Ephesians 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes."

Title of Devotion: Put On Christ

Reference passage for devotion:  [Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.]

Has anyone in your family ever made you a garment? Perhaps a shirt or a pair of pants?  You've waited to receive it. You know it will be perfect but then when you get it, you eagerly try it on, only to find that it doesn't fit.  Perhaps the shirt is so big that it might as well be a dress. Maybe the pants have completely swallowed your feet or maybe you can’t button them. It just doesn't fit.

Verse Romans 13:14 says “Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.”  For many “putting on Christ” seems so intimidating.  Jesus was perfect. We are not. Jesus was wise. We are unsure. Jesus provided for multitudes. We might not be able to provide even for ourselves. So, often times, the life of Christ doesn't seem to ‘fit’ us and we tell ourselves “that life was made for someone else” or “maybe we’ll grow into it another time.”

However, if you have received a gift like one in the first paragraph; If you put it on, a tailor can quickly go to work, hemming sleeves, letting out pants, trimming lengths and cinching. Before you know it, the garment that looked impossible is suddenly a perfect fit. You just had to put it on and let the tailor go to work. Who better to alter it than the original creator?

Our creator has given us many gifts. Not just in our personal talents and spiritual gifts but he also lends his Holy Spirit and Word to each of us. He is also our personal tailor. He knows exactly where to go to work tweaking our lives, to reveal the most “Jesus”. We just need to be willing to put it on and willing to let him alter… Once you see what he can do, it might just change your appreciation for what has been given.

Think About It

1. Often we don’t dress for the job because we think that we don’t have anything to offer. We wait for skills to apply. We wait for talent before exploring creativity. Do you feel worthy of putting the armor of Christ on or being called upon by God?

2. Does it ‘suit’ you? Maybe you don’t like the way it feels to have to think about Christ or even talk about him. Mathew 10:33 says “But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.” How does that verse impact you?

3. With or without "armor", would others be able to see evidence of Christ in your life?

Note: For more information about Helping Hands Mission Camp, please check out their site. It is an annual faith based camp that allows adults and youth to make repairs to homes for residents in our community.

And then I wonder what to wear...

Background

Let me start by saying that this blog post started from a Facebook thread in my church group. I wanted to circle back and comment on the thread but my post was really just too long. So, for the sake of the reader and another post that may be related (coming soon), I've shared it here. The question was: 

Little did I know it at the time but I had misread the question. I thought she asked if women should wear dresses. She said shouldn’t. I can’t help but laugh about how sometimes we are so used to hearing or seeing something one way that even when there is a subtle change, we fail to notice. **sigh**

And even better when I contacted her to apologize, she was actually just being silly. I absolutely love that about her. -But man talk about double whammy. ...seek first to understand before being understood.... haha. Thankfully, Jennifer and I both have a sense of humor. Whew!

But before I realized either of the last two paragraphs, I had really started thinking about this question and wondering whether or not women should wear dresses. The string of thoughts that followed touched my heart and made me think a little bit deeper about some things I usually don't give much consideration to. Because I said that I would get back to the group, I wanted to be sure to do so. 

Let's start with the verse: The KJV version of Deuteronomy 22:5 is “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.”

Not knowing really how to answer the question and not wanting to lead anyone astray but also not wanting to ignore them; I referenced commentary that referred to people changing their appearance in order to worship idols or to obtain another status. –Indicating that your motives might be the first place that you need to question. 

Fast Forward There are two bunny trails that I have for this so bear with me...

Bunny Trail 1

After I left that post, I couldn’t stop thinking about what other motives would cause me or other men and women to dress in a way that was misleading or improper. While I know that there are many, I just kept thinking about women trying to cover up their appearance. Dressing in men’s clothing or baggy clothes because they feel awkward in their skin or “not pretty”.  

I’ve had plenty of issues with my own image. In high school I went through a period where I wore men’s clothing. –Even down to the "tighty whities".  (You can laugh, I am doing so). You would never believe that they were the most comfortable underwear that I have ever worn. If they were prettier, I might still be wearing them. Haha.

I wore men's pants, huge shirts, and usually dressed in layers, etc. Some of the clothes may have been Colin’s. I loved him and liked having him around.  But in retrospect something else was happening in my personal life and I think that it was my desperate way of not necessarily trying to bring attention, but instead trying more to fade and cover up who I was.

A relative was asking me to take naked pictures. Thankfully, I never complied but I was frequently prompted with questions and comments that still violated boundaries that I hadn't learned to create. I never told my parents but they held their own awkwardness about sex. For that and maybe a few other reasons, I felt like there was a basic unavailability to them that left me to handle this alone. 

Coming into womanhood is already awkward enough. Couple that with the challenges of confused love and inappropriate sex; I just couldn't seem to find a safe zone. Both of which left me somewhere between trying to cover up (on the outside) and then give too much (of something I didn't understand). They both are out of balance. 

And shame is still an improper motive, now isn’t it? It doesn’t really matter how we come about it…

All of this reminds me of that wonderful post left earlier this year by Christina (another member in our church group). She posted (2/25/14):

“I was thinking this morning about how frustrating it is when you have spent time and effort creating something for someone and the person is overly critical of it. Then it made me think how insulting it is to God every time we complain about his creation, which was made with so much love and detail, ourselves. So many things we don't like. The color or texture of our hair, my bluish greyish eyes, wide hips, short thumbs, crooked teeth, skin complexion, the sound of our voice, the talents we lack, the skills we don't possess; we all know I could go on and on. We pick ourselves apart which is not only hurtful to our own image and little eyes that are watching, but most importantly it is picking apart God's creation. Telling him he messed up, he didn't do good enough. So be kind when you judge yourself so harshly- you are judging him, too.”

Then I think of that verse, 1 Peter 1:15 “I’m holy so you be holy”. How much holier can you be than by HIS design?  Celebrating who and what we are as women and men. -Learning how to love the body that we are in and wanting his way even when it feels so desperately uncomfortable.  Learning ‘how’ to protect and care for it in the most “holy” way when a misalignment comes to light. Wanting the desire in our heart to change so that we can 'right' it within. 

Bunny Trail 2

I have been writing a little post about being in love. It started with how I met Colin and converted to what we offer God in love. It’s funny because there is a comment about me wearing one of Colin’s T-shirts. When I wrote it, and as silly as it sounds, I just kept thinking about wearing a Jesus T-shirt but that didn't feel like the right comparison…

Then I saw Jen’s post and some of the other comments…

Anyway, I have an aunt that is Pentecostal. She and her daughters have only worn dresses and long hair. -No make up and limited jewelry.  I haven’t really spoken to her in years. I thought his was a great opportunity to talk to her and I asked her about her faith and this verse.

She replied, “I made this decision before I chose a church. In Deuteronomy (same passage) it says these things are abominable to the Lord. In Revelations 21:8 it says that any abomination will be thrown into a lake of fire. Why would I take that chance? I want to please him.” Then she went on further to explain and she referenced some other passages “Let your yay be yay and your nay be nay” and some others. We spoke for 48 minutes about this and nothing else.

She read to me notes from a sermon about Abraham, Sarah & Hagar that was used for a similar subject. Listening to her made my eyes sting and my heart pang. I think that she said that there were modifications to women’s dress in the new testament but the gist of it was that she simply loved him and wanted to do everything as good as she could. I gushed with so much conviction.

I left that comment on the post about motives... We think that we have the best intentions and so because they are what we know as our best; we never look deeper. Yet how many times are even our motives flawed. The only rightness that comes in our actions, are the ones that start with love. The right love. HIS love. Listening to her speak made me want to go yank everything out of my closet and ditch it too! Maybe in time, I will actually replace it all. I will pray about that but it gave me such a deeper consideration about  “clothing” and what we “wear”.

Then this morning I sit down and offer up a prayer wondering how I will ever accumulate these thoughts in such a short read and yet still convey the ache in my heart.

I flip open my bible and clear my head and no lie- the first thing I read is my commentary on Romans 13:14. “How do we clothe ourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ?” My commentary goes on with more details but really what more needs to be said?  Daily when we look at our closets, and in the mirror, and to others and at the tasks ahead- We need to consider not what material and worldy things we can put on or design ourselves with- But instead how can we stand naked first before God and dress our hearts in the blood of Christ and the very nature of our savior. In time, he will cover what needs to be covered and reveal what needs to be revealed. 

And Finally

Circling all the way back the beginning of this post where I noted that sometimes we don't see what we think that we do. An old me would've condemned me for replying incorrectly -especially in a public forum.But I felt such a nudging to answer... I believe there might have been a reason that I saw it wrong in the first place. I think of the verse, "for we live by faith and not by sight". Maybe someone else needed to see this as much as I needed to be reminded.

I hope you all have a thought filled weekend!