The Butterfly

While healing and solitude may not sound like anything glamourous, I’d like to point out something about the butterfly.

The stages that a butterfly must go through to earn its wings is nothing short of awing. Not only do they begin as one creature, disappear into the darkness, only to emerge as another that is completely different. But a caterpillar is made in such a way that it essentially digests itself and turns to complete liquid before coming back together to form the butterfly. And the ONLY way they can fly, is by the muscle that is built during the struggle to break free from the cocoon. If interrupted or assisted in any way, it could ruin their ability to fly at all.

We can’t just say that we forgive, or take a class, or practice new things. While those things are also important, they can’t bypass the emotional work that needs to be done. We must learn to sit in the darkness and allow our emotions to expose themselves to us fully. Witnessing them. Letting them take us down to their depths without our trying to judge them, correct them, or tamp them back down with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, entertainment, or some other distraction. -Discovering our wholeness, facing parts of ourselves that we may not have seen before and sitting with them. Digesting our story along with the ones we’ve told our self and questioning their truths.

There’s something else about a butterfly’s transformation that is important to point out. Metamorphoses also requires and happens during deep rest and solitude. That chrysalis is suspended for a reason. How much greater is the change happening on the inside during this time than anything that we could ever erect, or see, on the outside.

If you want to change your life, embrace these secrets. Befriend all of the parts of you, without anyone else around. Loving ourselves is a struggle that most of us have – and to do it for no good reason—makes no sense! But no one can rescue us from it, or do it for us. It’s a struggle that we must earn. While it can be brutal, messy, and exhausting, breaking through those barriers that we have to/around ourselves (often referred to as shadow or egowork), can be our most beautiful work, and the very thing that gives us our wings.

Be Therefore Complete

I spied this rocker from a little antique store in White Stone, VA while I was pregnant with my last child. We didn't really have space for it at the time but it didn't stop me from bringing it home. Sadly, aside from the first few months after my son's birth, it has sat upstairs, forced into being a clothes hanger instead of a chair, in my bedroom.

Last fall, I developed some lower back issues and, in addition to exercises, my chiropractor recently advised me to also ditch the recliner that was my 'go to' in the evenings. So, out it went and down came my pretty rocker. (It would've made it down sooner except that me and a child -or several of them- couldn't sit in it as easily together as we could the recliner.) I've enjoyed finally being able to use it, six years later.

Oddly enough, in that same six-year span I have been challenging myself to go deeper in the Word in order to determine what I believed for myself (not just go with what I've heard). I was frequently reconciling areas of my life against what I was learning. Then trying to adjust accordingly. But maybe a little too sternly out of this desire to be holy, forgetting that we are already sacred.

And... 

In the fall, it wasn't just a core 'physical' problem that I was suddenly facing; there was also an issue at the core of my emotions, my spirituality, and my beliefs. Even externally, there were sudden eruptions everywhere in my life that turned wake up call. All of which thrust me into a season of serious introspection and healing. 

I finally had to face myself, full on. And somehow, amidst so much brokenness, I began to also see myself from a place of love. Thank goodness.

[This from a girl who used to struggle with approval addiction and always needing the validation of others. -And from a girl who could tell you 20 reasons why she wasn't good enough for something, instead of telling you one or two reasons why she was... or from this girl who's tried to manage the feelings and thoughts of others with the best of intentions... but unknowingly to her own detriment. Oh, how I could go on with the ways that my fear of failure has manifested itself.]

But all the while, gradually growing throughout that study time, from acceptance (to acceptance), into this new-found place.

Also...

In all of this sudden shifting, there was an unexplainable ache to become 'whole'. Although I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.

Fast Forward...

Last week a co-worker and I were talking about legalism and limiting beliefs and I shared some of my situation. He ended up telling me a story about a rocking chair. One he'd heard from Kim B. Clark, a former President of Brigham Young University, where my friend previously attended.

He first referenced the verse in Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

This next part is completely paraphrased because I don't remember his exact words. But I know the gist will have a lasting impact.

He said it is easy to think that being 'perfect like Christ', means that we are to be without sin or error. In a sense that is true. It is also noble and something we should mindful of, but it is also unattainable by us. We are human. This part we know.

Then he said, let's say that you had a rocking chair. In western culture, we seem to think 'perfect' means to add on. So 'to perfect it', would mean that we slip an arm cover over the side of the rocker so that it can hold a remote. Maybe you also add a cup holder, a footstool, or a pillow; constantly trying to make it do or become something more than what it is.

But really, if you look up another definition of 'perfect' (and I even think he said that the Hebrew versions translate to this instead)- you will find that perfect also means 'complete'. So, to be 'therefore complete' would mean that a simple rocker that was well-oiled, rocking smoothly, as it was created to be, and nothing more than that, would, in fact, be perfect.

I got a little teary-eyed, especially knowing that I had just moved this chair into my main living space, while I am also coming into a place of rest with myself. The timeliness...

My rocker has incredibly frayed trim. Parts of it are broken off, missing, or hanging free. There are a few upholstery tacks missing. The corners of the rockers were either slightly gnawed on by a puppy or rocked too close to something that damaged it. But it is well oiled. It's comfortable and rocks smoothly. It's beautiful and loved by me, just as it is.

Similarly, the word 'whole' is coming to mean quite the same- That I too am perfectly imperfect. Maybe it's a matter of forgiveness but it's somehow being able to see and love the less than glorious parts of myself, whether it's in my 'hard lessons learned' and hurts, or in my needs and vulnerabilities (my humanness), with the same affection that I do my strengths and talents (my Godliness). -Seeing and loving all of me, completely.

What is even stranger, is that I almost think we need those 'less than glorious' parts of ourselves in order to help us fully see our worth. Just as a rocker is to rock, our own needs and desires were purposed for each of us with the intent of being filled.

-And like the marks and mars on my chair give it character, our own mars (be they perceived by ourselves or others), are also necessary ingredients to our own personality and calling. There is a history. A story. It's one of living... being chosen... exercised to the point of dings... and still being usable.

My willingness to somehow stop and embrace those soft places is giving me a glimpse of God's grace that was somehow unattainable when I was still 'covering up' and striving for 'perfection'.

After all, there is no grace in striving.

His grace, is free.

Perhaps being 'Christ-like' also means that our grace should be too.

Since the very crux of the gospel is grace, wouldn't it also make us more 'complete'?

Dominican Republic | Part 2

So we've made it to the beautiful little town of La Guazara 
(which resides in Barahona, Dominican Republic).
This building below is the local church turned 'bunk room' during our stay. 

Everyone on our team slept here with a tarp dividing the women from the men.

This is what our sleeping quarters look like.

p.s. It's a special treat to sit under a canopy in bed, reading a book, while listening to a rainstorm, feeling a slight breeze, and drinking some of the best cocoa you've ever had. 

(It turns out they put cinnamon in it. Who knew?!)

All 16 of us (plus other workers) share two showers and one toilet behind the church.

Here's the shower (which is really just a metal closet.)

We scoop water to flush the toilet and to bathe. Boy, it is cold!

We stand outside the bathroom and brush our teeth on this hill. 

This is the best sunset we saw (but standing in the same spot). 

It was pretty overcast the whole week.

Here's a big ole frog I rescued a mate from so that she could pee in the dark. haha

(The picture was for Jackson.)

This area is across from the church. It is the common area.

All of the cooking is done in the yellow building which is a lady’s house. 
She reserves space for the Food for the Hungry team. 

And boy, do we eat some amazing food here!

Seriously, it's so good everyone wiggles when they eat. 

I'm not the only one. 

This is how we wash our hands before meals; 

another bucket, a scoop, and a friend.

Between meals, we also have meetings here. 

(The shot below was with the 'Elders' of the town 

and Food for the Hungry team during the first night.)

We also have crafts for VBS, devotions, and at night we play games like Jenga and Dominoes. They are HUGE domino players here. 

(This was the best sunrise from the common area.)

The street between the church and tent is always active. 

We sit on this wall at various times throughout the day. At any given moment there are multiple footballs, soccer balls, and frisbees flying. ALL AT THE SAME TIME! 
-Overlapping and crashing. You’d better have your game face on and your eyes open! And even with that, you WILL get pegged.

I have finally been able to successfully throw and catch a football. 
Ethan would be proud. 

It just turns out that I need a fake plastic one. haha

Dominoes on the other hand... not so much. 

In fact, this guy in the picture below is Cici (misspelled?). The lady is Esperanza. Both of them speak about as much English as I do Spanish. But two things are clear. The first is that they are incredibly hard workers! They also exude sweetness and a desire to connect with us too. The second thing is regarding Cici’s giggle... The locals are so good at dominoes that they can tell what everyone has before it’s played. Esperanza tried to help me play. She might be sharper at it than Cici. She gets really feisty and it sounds like she’s telling him how things are getting ready to go down. But his giggle lets me know that even her magic doesn't help me. 

Each time I would pick up a new set, they would share looks with each other and groan. haha 

In fact, I am so 'good' at it that during the first hand of another game with a group of boys; my partner threw his dominoes on the table and walked away. The team we played against pushed their seats back and wouldn’t look at me. So, I gestured to them that I could leave so that another team could play. They both lit up and nodded in agreement that was a terrific idea. Haha. 
I’m THAT good! #CrushedAndDevastated (Just kidding)

We even got to face paint a little while we were here. YAY

Dean wanted to give it a try too.  You can tell by our expressions that it's getting ready to be good!

Would ya look at that! He even got my teeth!

Good job Dean!

This lady is 'Otto' and I hope I spelled that right. 

It would be hard to tell the story without her. 

She is like the town Matriarch.

She lives closest to the common area. 

She's related to many of the families here.

She is part of the elder's team.

She is always dressed her best and was first to sing & pray at church service.

She's also frequently seen with a 2' machete on her hip while she goes to work with some of the men.

We all got up at 5:00am one morning to hike the mountain to see where the farmers go to work and where their closest water source is. She was our fearless leader!

We divided our team into groups of three for prayer partners. 

We met several times before the trip to pray, then each morning during the trip, and as needed throughout.

This was my team. <3

We split our group into two teams for the actual construction that needed to be done.
We built latrines (bathrooms like our team uses) during the day. This was my crew. <3

This is one of the families that received a latrine.

Remember there is no plumbing here. But there is a well/septic-like system for it to flow to.

You just pour the water into the toilet and you can't flush the paper. 

(Even in the fancier parts of the DR, you can't flush paper.)

-To give you a better view of things, this is what many of the kitchens are like.

We took a trip to see the water filtration system here that the church has been putting in.

The water here is not clean. This filtration system will make clean water more affordable but it will also spare them from having to travel so far in order to it.

It is 'almost' ready to go.

In the afternoon, we have a little VBS with the kids.

Then we do home visits.

Unlike the 'door to door' visits you can imagine here in the states, these families are happy to meet us and they are excited about the work that is being done in their community.

(The Food for the Hungry team does work out the families that are visited in advance though. So that helps.)

During the visits, we try to get to know the families. 

We pray with them, share pictures of our families, and pass out Bibles if needed. 

Some of the team members sponsor children here and so they get to visit with them too! How cool!

David visiting his sponsored child, Eddie. <3

I love the ‘community’ here. The kids run the town like many of us did when we were younger. Even 3-year-olds are still out at 10:00pm, blocks away, without an adult. There doesn't seem to be anything to be afraid of (in a safety or 'people' sense) and everyone is looking out for each other. Even during home visits. Little ones that don’t live at the houses we were visiting just walk in and make themselves comfortable. No one flenches or even acknowledges it.

The mommas just fill in where needed.

Most of the doors and windows are open in every house. 

People are visible everywhere throughout the day.  

Many are harvesting onions, the local crop.

Others are hanging out, working in other ways, and doing life.

(Isn't she beautiful!!)

This guy might be dinner. He's got two onions with that chicken... uh oh.

That's laundry drying on the sidewalk.

There’s a little bar in the center of the town. We told them that we liked their music, so they played it for us almost every day from at least 9:00am-10:00pm. <3

Our common area is at the top of this hill. 
So you can see the whole little town in the valley below. 
The music fills the place up! 

But really all of the sounds carry- kids laughing, animals working, more motorcycles, people talking... 
Even in the morning while the town is asleep, I get up before everyone else to take a shower and I can hear the farmers getting ready for work down the hill.

Yet, it is so.very.quiet. 

Between the sounds and nature, everything so open, it's impossible to forget that you're all connected and a part of 'community'. 

There is more than what we see at work.

For example, David and his mother each sponsored a child here. 

We learned during the home visits that they 'just so happened' to get sisters.

But also that David is a poet and so is his child.

AND

During one of my visits, I asked a lady where her favorite place was in La Guazara.

She replied 'Under any tree.'

It just so happens that I am a tree lover too and well, I agree. 

And the trees here ARE pretty amazing.

Then during another of my visits, I knew the minute that I saw this lady, it was going to be a good one. Not only did she look like a strong woman, she had on a well-worn rosary (which I have a thing for) and it just so happened to be turquoise, my favorite color.

So, I asked her what kind of advice she would give a young person.

ALL of us gasped when we heard the translator say 

'Why are you asking me? I am whole.' 

'Whole' has been my word for this year and my prayer team knew it. <3

(It turns out that she said 'Why are you asking me, I am old,'

which is sad because our elders often know far more than we do.)

But because we all heard the same thing, we knew it was meant for me.

So, we all had a moment and then leaned in closer.

She paused and leaned in too then said 'Take care of yourself.'

This is a message that has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.

-

-

'Coincidentally', I’m even reading a book right now called 'The Power of Now' that was given to me by a dear friend. It is impeccably timed in my personal life; but also during this trip I read a passage that said: 

‘True communication is communion. The realization of oneness, which is love. Usually, this is quickly lost again, unless you are able to stay present enough to keep out of the mind and it’s old patterns.’

And boy is it hard to recognize our patterns and then keep the mind out of them...

While there is nothing more liberating than sharing what is on your heart in a sacred connection. There are also ways to communicate that do not need words. 

That quote describes the things we've witnessed on this trip. It is in sitting, in waiting together, in sharing burdens, breaking bread, and in laughing. There is indeed a lot of laughter.

It is also in spirit but you must be present to see and hear it- to connect.
Sometimes, we need to leave our routines and way of life to do this, even if it's only for a moment.

We are indeed, all connected.

EVERYONE has something to give and we do it in different ways. 
But it is just as important that we receive all that is offered.

Thank you to all who helped make this trip possible. 
It has touched me and so many others more than you will ever know.

If you would like to continue praying for La Guazara, here is a list of some of the needs collected during our visits.