Consumption | Notes

So for a while now I've been feeling like I should give up alcohol. I have simply been reluctant.  I've never tolerated liquor well so that wasn't an issue for me. I was always a beer girl. I genuinely like it for the taste. -ice.cold.beer. on a hot summer day? Yes, please.

For most of my drinking life a couple of beers here and there or at a special event was enough. However, the summer before I became pregnant with Sophie. Work was intense. I'd just come home in the evening and think that I just needed something to take the edge off. "To unwind". The next thing I knew I was happier drinking than eating. It became easy for me to consume a six pack a night all by myself. I'd stumble to bed. Pass out and then repeat the same pattern the next day.

Thankfully, I became pregnant with Miss Priss and I had to cut that off. As it turns out I had developed a wheat allergy between Ethan and Sophie and most beer contains wheat. After Sophie, I became more aware of my sensitivity to it.  The wheat free brands are pretty disgusting. So, that made it easier to reduce the amount of beer that I consumed but I missed it. I guess that the depth of my grievance over it should've been a sign that I had some sort of problem. -Even if I didn't show all of the signs.

Instead- and as ridiculous as this sounds; I forced myself to find a wine I liked instead.  It actually took a lot of practice. I tried many that I didn't like in order to find ones that I did... As it turns out, I only seem to like French ones. Before I knew it I had a new staple. I didn't drink every day or anything like that but when I needed to unwind, I had a new "go to"...

Somewhere in there, I was getting the idea that God might not want me to drink something or at sometimes but it's kind of easy to shrug that off when we want to justify our own behaviors and habits. Just as I started to document some of these little things I thought that God was telling me; I finally found a set of wine glasses that I really liked. -and I DO have a thing for pretty dishes! Of course it's only fun to have them if I use them. So, I hung onto my new habit just a little bit longer.

Now here it is years later. I've carried these notes around various places. I have finally compiled them last year thinking that if I put them on the blog, the next time that I was tempted, I could pull up the list and remind myself.... Boy was I surprised at how much my notes added up to! I never published them on the blog because it was just a list and I felt like I needed to offer something more with it but I just wasn't sure what that was... In hindsight, maybe the post was missing my struggle.

So, instead I made a few rules to "only have a glass or two" or "only at family dinner". Only to regret and grieve over it again later... 

Then it started keeping me up at night...

It's a funny thing; I've wrestled with admitting it because I didn't want to talk about it. I've decided recently that I really need to move forward. God has shown me so many times that my obedience won't always make sense but he is faithful to help me understand it later. Last night, I refused a glass of wine like so many times before and instead of talking about God, I simply said it's been keeping me up at night.

I know this will sound really condemning. I just don't know how to word it as I mull it over. This morning, I thought about Peter. God asked him 3 times if he loved him. (How many times must he ask me to put down booze?) And Peter was the same one to deny him. Here I am telling people that my change is because of sleep instead of God. I wonder if all of this time, it's been such a struggle because I just haven't been truthful about the work that God is doing in this area. I just wasn't ready to admit that God wanted me to let it go. So, in all of my other excuses, I couldn't fight it successfully because I wasn't open about it. Of course I am still trying to figure this out and so my answer would also be pretty loaded... My reference to sleep just sounded... simpler.

Thankfully, just this morning I see the verse in James 5:16 that says if we confess our sins to God and to others and pray over each other then we can be healed. I just feel ready to admit this current weakness. I feel strong enough to say, I just don't have all of the answers. This is where I am and what I am figuring out and won't you pray with me!? Please and thank you.  Here are some of those nifty little notes below.  (This is one of the many reasons that I support journaling. It's easy to shrug one or two off but seeing them all together makes a completely different statement.)


The List

• I feel a lot of conviction about being a leader. I frequently run across verses, articles, books about leadership. I am not sure where all that applies. Maybe it's only in my role of motherhood or my position at work, in the church or just alongside a friend.  It doesn't matter where; I am starting to really pay attention to all of those promptings. So you will see a few references to leadership in here. The first is, Proverbs 31:4 “It is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer.” The commentary says that "Leaders have better things to do than anesthetize themselves with alcohol.
• 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  "Buzzing or Drunkenness" is not sober-minded. I would also like to add that in some forms of alcohol, I have found myself foggy headed for days after. -Not drunk but just unable to think clearly or concentrate. I believe that to be related to food allergies or chemical properties in some alcohol. (Also consider sobriety in terms of drugs use and even from a lack of sleep. )
• Is what I am doing a stumbling block to anyone else? Is it confusing to others?
• Some alcohol interferes with my sleep. It might have helped me pass out at first but it will not keep me asleep and I usually wake up feeling unrested.
• Being drunk weakens your defenses and affects your decisions. It makes us less reliable.
• Romans 12:1 "Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice".
• I also had a note by Judges 13 about Sampson being a Nazarite (Man of God). He was not to have alcohol or fermented drink. I am not sure that I could articulate this well and nor am I sure how long I've had a note about Sampson in chapter 13. Yet just this week a homework assignment led me to  answer this question. "Read Judges 16:51-21 - What resulted from Sampson's lack of self discipline?" My answer was that he lost his power and gift.  Immediately this area of my life came to mind. My lack of discipline with alcohol and or any/sin and this blog as my gift. Imagine my surprise when I came back to add it only to see a comment about Sampson already noted...  Maybe there is more to this.
• Proverbs 23 has several verses see "saying 16" and "saying 19". I had a note about "Disciples don't drink." But that is not from that verse or commentary. I am not sure why I had it there.
• If I drink too much alcohol, I feel puffy and bloated.
• Ephesians 5:18 says "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery" My commentary on that verse says "Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary "high," to being filled with the spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ we have better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony or tension. I love this part; We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but how much of us the Holy Spirit has."
• This is a big one- Feeling like I have to repent after!  If I wasn't doing anything wrong, why would I feel so much conviction about repentance? -Granted a lot of that might be about my motives or timing that led me to drinking.
• I have found myself disappointed to listen to other people that were drunk. Not even necessarily because they were violent or foul. It just wasn't the same or as attractive as listening to someone who was sober or themselves. I don't ever want my children to feel that way about me EVER.
• Recently following my own rules, I got wasted on 2 glasses of wine. -To the point that I don't even remember most of the evening. It wasn't intentional. I actually don't enjoy being drunk. This is just a reminder that we can't rely on rules or our plans or intentions.
• Health benefits. Moderation of alcohol. Paul to Timothy about being careful about not drinking too much. In his location there was poor water quality. Red Wine was believed to help clear out intestinal issues.  Even now, wine is believed to certain benefits if it is consumed within moderation (regarding cardiovascular, cancer and aging benefits.) I do understand that there are occasional pros...
• Matthew 6:33 says to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." Do you know how many times after a bad day, I would go to the fridge and open the door only to hear that verse whispered to my heart? The same is true for binging on chocolate or shopping when I needed a pick me up! God has the strength to meet all of our needs if we just go to HIM first.
• My sudden embarrassment about the idea of being caught in a picture with a beer in my hand or a glass of wine.  Especially, then posted to Facebook or something. There was a time when none of those things mattered to me but somehow it has become a new awareness....
• Psalm 4:7 says You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. True!
• Romans 14  is a great chapter. If you're confused about sin and why some can do this and why some can't do that, read this passage.
• Choosing not to do what you feel led to do becomes disobedience and that makes you less sensitive to the holy spirit.

Update 10/2/14

• A few weeks after this post, I asked God why on earth I needed to stop drinking, if I didn't believe that I had a real problem. Immediately, I received my most convicting thought. What if none of this is really about me? What if one of my children ends up struggling with a true problem in this area when they are older. Not necessarily because I drank but because they were exposed to it, they developed their own relationship with it too early on. I thought of my children and their response to it and to me when I drink. Immediately, I felt my decision complete itself and the desire to drink left me. I can tell you that since that moment, I have no longer grieved any part of this. Having the right conviction in my heart took me off the fence and put all of me on one side of that decision.

Update 8/26/2015 - I am proud to say that as of 7/21/2015 I have been sober for one year and counting!

This is all that I have for now. All of my posts are subject to more editing so there may be more to this later. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope it also speaks to you. :)

Clanging Cymbals

I am a loud person. I always have been. I walk heavy. When I sigh, it's like I've been holding my breath too long and I am taking another deep one so that I can go back under. Sometimes I fidget. I slam doors. My fingers even stomp when they are typing. If my gum is good, I -enjoy- the chew. ... And I yell. 

I am sure that my neighbors must think I'm crazy. I seem to be yelling all of the time. "GET YOUR TAIL OVER HERE!" "GET YOUR SHOES." "WH- A-A-T ARE YOU D-O-OING?"  or "COME HERE" (Can you tell most of my yelling is at the kids? and my dogs.)

Sometimes when I start feeling that twinge of awareness about my yelling, I try to "phone a friend" to get the mood lighter and so I change my words to "HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, GLORY DIVINE. THIS CRAZY WOMAN IS LOSING HER MIND!" After a few more, crazy, sing-song thingys, I start to get less loud.

The sad part is, I am often not as angry as I sound. I'm like an animal that puffs himself all up, to appear bigger to the other animals, just so that no one else gets any wild ideas. I am bigger and we'll do this my way. Other times, I'm pretty sure it's an adult version of a temper tantrum. It's got to look ridiculous because the child version looks ridiculous. A big girl having them can't be any better. Getting a puffed up chest doesn't mean that I have more muscles. Just like getting louder doesn't mean that I have anything better to say.

I've really been trying to practice using my "inside" voice. I think that I've gotten a lot better but I can't wait to be completely free of it. The loudness is unnecessary. Sadly it creates more "noise". Then it's harder to hear the words.  I am just a "resounding gong or clanging cymbal” as stated in 1st Corinthians 13:1.

I believe that Joyce Meyer once said that If you think that you can't help the way that you are, pretend that you were in front of someone that you really wanted to impress; or consider whether or not your behavior would change in another environment. I thought about being at work. I couldn't imagine answering the phone at the top of my lungs because I was in a hurry. -Or yelling at another adult in a hall at school, or church, or the library because the person was dawdling instead of coming straight to me. I wonder what is it in me that might not want to impress my children or my dear husband. Aren't they the most important people in my life? When I come home from work and take off my work clothes, do I drop my respect and care in the same pile? Why wouldn't I want to impress them more than anyone else?

***

The next part is choppy so bear with me.

A blog I love is "An Inch of Gray". Last night I read it until I cried. Of course, if you read her post from 10/4/2011, you will find that it won't take long to cry in many of her posts. -And then I read some more- There is something about being humbled that just makes everything easier. I've gotten to where I am regularly seeking ways to dial my heart back down a notch. This time, I did it here.

And then I found this on another blog:

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” The only way to say this better is found in 2 Corinthians 9:7 - 8, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

I realize that such a petty little thing like yelling shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But that vast span of eternity can take a long time to cross if mine and my beloved are ever parted. I just don't want to hang on to old “should haves”. There is a giving in me that is even bigger than I am. I don't want a “petty little thing”, like being too loud, keep others from getting close enough to accept my gift(s).

And that is all.

Stumbling Blocks

Recently I attended a birthday party at our church for a friend’s daughter. I was hovering a food table with 2 other parents, discussing something that I can't remember now. I don't know what was said or even asked but I got excited and said the 'D' word. **Sigh**

Cussing is one of the many areas that I struggle in. I pray about it. I think about it. I think about not thinking about it and it still happens. Most of the time, I say oops and move on. This day was very different.

As it turns out, one of the parents that I was talking with is a man that is still trying to decide what he believes in. We see each other at kid’s games and other social events. He knows that I've led bible studies in the Women's Ministry at my church for the last 2 years. When we see each other, God usually works himself into our conversations. On this day, we hadn't gotten that far yet. -But when I said the word, it startled the man. I mean literally. He jumped and took a step back and then started shaking his head. He said "Oh.... so you're not..."  And then he didn't finish his sentence. He refused to finish, even after my prompting, but I knew the implication.

I am usually an open book and up for a good teasing or deep discussion. However, seeing his reaction startled me. I am not really sure what I said after that either.  I tried to laugh it off. I tried to wipe it out by offering a disclaimer that I still make mistakes but the man just looked like he'd been slapped in the face. He was utterly confused.

I have thought about that moment and his reaction almost daily since it happened. While the bible does not state that cussing is a sin. We are called to emulate God and give him the glory (1Cor 10:31).  It also says that we are called to "build each other up"(1Cor 14:26). -As in help others establish their own confidence in Christ. We do this not only by intentional gestures of kindness or encouragement; but also by simply living in our day to day and by being an example.-Whether or not we intended to be one, because someone is always looking.

1st Corinthians 8 talks about the freedom of Christians. It uses the analogy of eating meat offered to idols. You can modify that whole chapter with anything that we do. If done too much, too little or at the wrong time, it can be offensive no matter what it is. Particularly if someone else believes that it's bad. Verse 9 says that we should be careful how we exercise our faith so that we are not a stumbling block to those that are weaker in it.

One of my Boss's favorite sayings is "Perception is reality". Meaning that if someone believes something is real, no matter what it is. Then it is real. -At least to them.  It doesn't matter how much I struggle to find the right way internally because all others see in me are what I present outwardly. If anyone that is looking to me for direction, believes that something I do is misguiding. Then guess what... I look like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. **Insert another sigh here.**

I am not trying to get legalistic and we certainly shouldn't get caught up trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. Thankfully, he sees my heart and he knows how remorseful I am. We should however at least consider the ripple that our one drop of water makes.

Proverbs 27:17 says that Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. I'd like to believe that I help sharpen others around me, in their faith, rather than dull them. If I weren’t so familiar with all of my flaws and shortcomings, how might they affect me, seeing them for the first time? Would any of them be so offensive that I was finally able to shake them loose?  Maybe 2013 will be a year of purging for me.  To take inventory of dead things that I have been holding onto and hopefully, finally let them go…