The Samaritan Woman

First, I’d like to pray. Father God, you know where each of us sit. Why someone has tuned in and why I had something to say. How you have worked that out, and will work that out, in each of our lives. This is a long message, and so I pray that the whole thing is a prayer and that the words wash all the way down. –And that you do what you do best, and rearrange things to that they do what they need to in each of us. Amen.

The Samaritan Woman is one of the more well-known chapters in the Bible. If you haven't heard about her, grab yours now and follow along with me in John 4. I’ll do a quick recap while you find it.

She was an outcast because of her race and because she is a woman.

So, let me give you a little background on the race part. I am going to read you the commentary from my Life Application Bible.

When the Northern Kingdom with its capital at Samaria fell to the Assyrians, many Jews were deported to Assyria, and the foreigners were brought in to settle the land and help keep the peace (2 Kings 17:24). The intermarriage between those foreigners and the remaining Jews resulted in a mixed-race, impure in the opinion of Jews who lived in the Southern Kingdom. Thus the pure Jews hated the mixed-race called the Samaritans because they felt they had betrayed their people and their nation. They set up an alternate center for worship on Mount Gerazim to parallel the Temple at Jerusalem, but it had been destroyed 150 years earlier. The Jews did everything they could to avoid traveling through Samaria. But Jesus had no reason to live by such cultural restrictions. The route through Samaria was shorter, and that was the route that he took.

Jacob’s well was on the property originally owned by Jacob. It was not a spring-fed well, but a well into which water seeped from rain and dew collecting at the bottom. Wells were almost always located outside the city along the main road. Twice each day, morning and evening, women came to draw water. (During the cooler parts of the day.)

 Switching back to my notes.

The Samaritan woman also had a past, and her current lifestyle played a role. And when most women travel to the well in the morning and evening to draw water, she went at noon to further avoid the crowd that you would expect to find her in. – Adding to her ‘differentness.’

One of the biggest things that I want to point out here is that people will always have something to say about you and your life. People didn’t like her for all of the reasons above. And you know as well as I do that there are things that happen to each of us that makes us want to avoid the crowd or hold ourselves back. There are also things that we do to take care of ourselves that cause separation. And things that happen to us that force it.

People will condemn you and persecute you for any of these things. So, it can be hard to believe in a God that simply wants to love us and let us know him. But is exactly what we see that in this example.

While there she meets Jesus at the well and they have a very short discussion, and she comes to believe in him. She then goes back to tell the people in the town about her experience, and others come to believe in him also.

The conversation is SO simple that it’s hard to see how that can change a person. Yet the text, at least for me, in this chapter, is SO hard to follow and understand. (You may even want to take a moment to read it before I begin.) But it spoke to me, and I want to share it with you because it really is ‘that easy’ and it’s that important. The more that I learn about it this story, the more I love it. Please tune in.

Let's begin

The first six verses in this chapter talk about Jesus’s journey to the well. So, I'm just going to jump right into verse 6 where Jesus is already at the well when she arrives. In verse 7, the dialogue starts with him asking her for a drink. “No hi, how ya doing.” He asks her to give him the very thing she came after.

There is a little irony there because many times throughout our faith journey, the thing that we are seeking –or NEEDING rather, will lead us to the very place that we meet God. And sometimes we are also asked to ‘give it up’ or ‘let go of it’ first so he can give us something else instead.

Whether or not she is socially unacceptable, she further changed her schedule to avoid dialogue with others. Now here is this man asking her for something.

So I’m going to guess that she is startled by the conversation. Instead of granting his request, she replies by describing her unworthiness.

“You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans).

Now stop right there- 

Women are particularly guilty of this. We're either putting ourselves down or reminding others of our past, status, or limitations. “I can’t do that because I don’t know how.” “You wouldn’t want me because I am no good at that…” (And I have been guilty of this myself.)

Regardless of whether or not he ‘should be’ talking to her, it didn’t stop him. And He only asked her for water.

The conversation seems a little cryptic because Jesus replies to her question in verse 10 “If you knew the Gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 

I mean what does that have to do with the well? Didn't he just ask her for a drink? He didn’t even answer her question.

But it’s not cryptic at all. He’s responding to who she is in that moment when she asked the question. She's the one who pointed out her issues. I think what he’s really saying, is that if you knew the gift of God, you wouldn’t struggle with feeling less than and you wouldn’t worry about what you can’t do. You would be able to rely on me and have confidence about where you’re at. And the last thing that you would be worried about is race, rules, or what everyone else thinks.

Never once in his sentence does he mention her Samaritanship, or her gender, or any of those specific things that she might be worried about.

In verse 11, she reminds him again of another limitation. “You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?” Then in verse 12, she asks him if he’s greater than Jacob, who built the well. 

He replies, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in them a spring of water, welling up to eternal life.”

My commentary reminds us that you can learn more about the references to Jesus as a fountain in verses like:

Psalm 42:1 that describes our thirst for God- As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.

Isaiah 55:1 Where God tells all that are thirsty to come to him.

And Jeremiah 2:13 that reads: “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.  – What a reference to our ego and our stubbornness, trying to do things our own way, without God.

And in Psalm 36:9, God is called the Fountain of life- For with you is the fountain of life; in your light, we see light.

So he’s telling her, yes, you do have a physical need for the water from this well to satisfy your fleshly thirst. But something else is parched... Is it your mind, because you stay up at night wrestling with thoughts? Is it your spirit because this life just seems too complicated and too hard? Is it your heart because it's too worn out from trying or numbing? If you can just come to me, the water I will give you will become a spring of water bubbling up to eternal life. You might still have a physical thirst, and you might still have problems, but your spirit will be satisfied. You will get rest. You will feel refreshed. Not only that, but what I tell you will become a story that you will want to share many times to encourage others. …welling up, bubbling over… and many times what you and I memorize in scripture or study privately on our own, will bubble up later on when we need it most – and GUIDE us, just like it said in that last verse, in your light we see.

Who doesn’t like the sound of that, right? So, in verse 15 she asks him where she can get that water, but you can tell she’s not quite getting it because she is still thinking about how this well for the real water, makes her keep coming back for more.

Then he says in verse 16, “Go call your husband and come back.” To which she replies, “I have no husband.” 

He continues, “You’re right when you say that you have no husband. The fact is that you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you said is quite true.”

Now you might read that and think, ooooh snap- he just called her out! And in a way he did. -But not to condemn her. If he was going to do that, he would’ve done it when she first questioned why he, a Jew, was talking to her if she was a Samaritan. He wanted her to know; he sees her. He knows her name. He knows who she is and her private thoughts and what she’s been through. And all of this living water that he’s been talking about is for her too. He knows who he’s talking to. 

Of course, you might wonder why he called the 6^th guy her husband if he wasn’t… Why would he do that if he knew her…?  Personally, I think he was trying to be courteous to her. --To give her dignity by not calling her out. He lets her confess it to him. THEN he lets her know that he already knew. 

And if God sees hearts, who’s to say she hadn’t already married him in her heart. But either way, again, he is the gentlemen. He accepts her status and acknowledges her where she is right now.

And have you ever had one of those encounters, either before you have committed your life to Christ or in the early days of your faith, where you bump into someone that brings up church or God, and it makes you squirm and or straighten up a little? You may want to acknowledge your experience with it. Maybe you talk about your parent's faith. Maybe you talk about why the church doesn't work for you. Yet, you either don't know the details or you don't want to get too deep in the conversation, so you try to change the subject a little.

Well, I think that's exactly what we see in verse 19 when she says, “I can see that you’re a prophet. Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.” 

She's making a statement. She’s heard of him and had some family that “went to church.” But is she also asking a question? Where do I worship?

I mean speed up to our time. Is it this church or that one? -This denomination, or service, or ritual? WHERE can we find this God and what are we supposed to do?

He responds to her by telling her that one day she won’t be in any of those places to worship. As for right now, none of that really matters. You’re going to a church and going through the motion, but you’re missing the whole point. You don’t know what you need to know. –or who you need to know rather. BECAUSE-

If you don’t know God (and his gift), you won’t really be able to fully worship him anywhere. And if you do know God and his gift, then you can worship him everywhere! -On the mountain, in Jerusalem, and at the grocery store!

He goes on to say in verses 23-24 that we should worship in spirit and in truth. What does that even mean? 

Well let me tell you, it took me the last five years to figure that one out. But it’s huge. So please hear my heart.

You can go to all of the church services you want to. You can listen to podcasts. You can memorize scripture, write it on sticky notes, and hang it on your wall, read your affirmations and tell yourself that you’re going to do better, or be better. But if you don’t listen to that internal voice, whether it’s your intuition, or feeling your feelings, or being really being honest about who you are, and where you’re at, and what you need, speaking your truth, then you are only ‘following the rules’ and your legalism will BIND you.

You have a spirit so that you can have a one on one, personal, relationship with God and others. Don’t get me wrong. We need religion. We need the Bible. ‘The rules’ are there to show us the things that cause us harm and hurt others. But we can stick so close to ‘the law’ of things that we dismiss how it impacts the spirit of those involved, causing greater harm.

Your spiritual practice or cultivation (whether that’s meditating on the word, or still meditation, journaling, talking to God, or listening to God, or feeling your feelings, etc.)—Whatever your spiritual practice is, it is JUST as important as knowing what the Word of God says. Let me clarify. I don't believe that there is anything more important than knowing God. But if you don't know who you are, how can you be honest or transparent with God about anything? And because he does know you, if you don't, you may not accept the guidance that you hear.

Not only that but if you don't spend time alone, in spiritual practice, or getting in touch with yourself, you may become too comfortable doing what everyone else is doing. And friend, you weren't meant for that!

As for the 'truth' part of that statement, John 14:6 says that HE (and only He) is the way, the TRUTH, and the life. 

John 8:32 says that the TRUTH will set you free. Whether that is the truth of your confession or learning His truth. Both can set you free.

You must worship and practice your faith in both ways, in spirit, and in truth, because what is born out of the center of those two, is the personal plan, direction, and will for your life!

Balance.

I cannot tell you how important that is… Please spend some time pondering this – at your own well. Ask yourself about some of the things that you are carrying. Take a moment to look in your pot. Pull the junk out. Ask yourself is there any ‘truth’ in it. And if there’s not, what can you change to get it in there?

Just the same, if you’re trying to do all of the things that you ‘should be doing’ you will be filled with so much shame if it doesn’t match what is in your heart. It will be so binding, blinding, and exhausting. That is living out of fear and codependency, not from a place of love.

Isaiah 61:1 says that he comes to bind up the brokenhearted and to set the captives free and to release the prisoners from their darkness.

Your time at the well with Christ, should be acknowledging and liberating you or healing you in it.

In contrast, if you haven’t even considered the law, or what the Bible has to say, maybe that’s part of the reason that you keep getting hurt. You need some parameters in place and better boundaries. And the book ‘Boundaries’ by Henry Cloud is incredibly refreshing. There is so much scripture in that book but explained in such a healthy honoring way. You and I are made to be vessels that carry refreshment to others, and if we aren’t taking care of what we’re given in our own physical stamina, then it will be so difficult to deliver what is needed or hold on to the strength and peace that God offers.

Oh, I hope you heard what I wanted you to know.

But back to our passage. He just told her to worship in spirit and in truth.

In verse 25, we see that she doesn't know either side. She's still talking about him. Not to him when she says “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

She’s heard of him. She just doesn’t know him personally to be able to recognize or identify him. 

And let me tell you, you can experience so much condemnation over this whether it's from yourself, the devil, or even others that and you might be tempted to give it [this faith thing] up because it’s just too confusing. But can I tell you something? 

Even Mary –his own mother- had trouble recognizing Jesus after the resurrection because she was so consumed in her grief. (See John 20) She didn’t expect to see him. 

What about us - we also have struggles? Sometimes they consume us and distort our perception as well. Do we expect to see God? Would we recognize him if we were at that well with him? Would we even give a little credit to that whisper in our heart and test it – Just ask God if he’s really there?

So WHEN she starts thinking about the Messiah coming, what he might do, you know what happens…? See verse 26.

He makes himself known. 

Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

Gosh, and there is such timeliness to that. I mean consider it. If he announced that he was the Messiah when they first met at the well, she wouldn’t have given him the time of day. 

I mean, she’s avoiding everyone else because of her weakness. She would have run as fast as she could, either because he was a crazy man or because who wants to let God see all this stuff. 

So, he does as he always does. He meets us where we are. He acknowledges her “junk” first and then introduces himself. She won't have anything to be ashamed of after she finds out who he is. Because he already knows it!! But he doesn’t reveal himself until we start to give him a little possibility.  <3

So then, in verse 27, the disciples come back. If you have your Bible, look at verse 28 with me because there are a few more things that I want to point out. 

"Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” They came out of the town and made their way toward him.

The first thing that I want to point out is that she left her water jar. I mean, did she even fill it up? What he had was so good; her other needs seemed less important ...kind of what like he promised, right? 

Then she went back and told people that the man “told her everything that she ever did.” 

What struck me about this line was that he only told her about six relationships of hers. Something personal. Something that she was most likely ashamed of. Something that made her feel separate or not good enough. Ponder that thought for a moment. 

I know part of me thought; gosh we’re so dramatic at times. "That was everything...?" 

But look deeper. 

How many things do we let define us and be our everything? This can be good or bad. Is it past sin, failures as a parent or partner, accomplishments, what others say, being the one to fix everything, etc.? God sees everything about us, but his gift goes to work, right where we need it most! In our heart. In what we hold and what others may or may not know. 

Second, let’s just talk about transformation. Not only did she leave her jar at the well. –The thing she came after was suddenly not as important as telling others about him. But this is a woman who avoided people. And suddenly she couldn’t help herself from going back to tell others.

If you continue reading, in verse 39, the chapter says that many came to believe because of her testimony. All she said was, “He told me everything that I ever did.” Don’t we worry that we have to have the right words or the correct answers or some crazy, profound experience to talk to someone else? Especially when it comes to our faith! We don't! We just get to talk about what he means to us and how or why we got there, etc. No embellishments. No grand finales. Simplicity. The truth… He does the rest.

But I do believe that God does want to be crazy profound with each of us! And isn't there a little bit of the Samaritan woman in each of us too? 

If you circle back to the very first verse; their dialogue started when God asked her for the very thing that she was after. [the place of her struggle].

What is it you are after? What is it that you need—that keeps you up at night and causes your anxiety or worry? What is that you can’t seem to stop carrying?

Well, it starts by first letting it go. All of it.

Don’t over-complicate this. It is exactly as it sounds. Remember verse 28 said she left her pot and went back to town.

You and I will find a thousand ways to hang on to a little bit of something, either because we don’t understand or because letting go can be so hard. And part of the struggle is our human need to be in control and to know the next step. Part of it is the way that we’re raised and what we believe. And sometimes what God tells us to let go of doesn’t sound at all like what God would say. –Maybe it seems too odd, or the thing doesn’t even seem like it’s that big of a deal or something God would even care about. Other times we’re addicted, or we don’t even know that there is another way because we’re doing the best we can with what we know.

You don’t have to know the reason or even how you will accomplish it to let it go. If God is pressing something on your heart here, I encourage you to pray, journal, fast, look for confirmation, rest, talk with others that have experience here – and spend some time in prayer. Just you and Jesus at the well.

If there is something that he is asking of you, it may be unusual, or difficult, but trust that it may be a life-changing experience and the greatest testimony that you’ve ever had.

I continue my prayers here for you. May God bless you, richly for any step you take toward him.

Thank you for listening.

**Note: This post was originally written in 2014. I began updating it in 2018 but there were a lot of changes, so I just rewrote it for this post.  Unfortunately, the originally post isn’t exactly the original but here it is anyway, for the record. ;)

The Language of Emotions | Book Review

I wish that we taught more about emotions and spiritual health in schools and churches. A podcast that I recently listened to said that only about 8% of people are really ‘self-aware’ even though many of us think that we are more aware than what we are. Understanding our emotions is a part of that. Emotions are also a key gateway to our spiritual self. In fact, spiritual healing involves feeling strong emotions and breaking down our ‘disassociation’ with them.

Personally speaking, I have been unable to understand or describe many of my emotions mostly because I didn’t know how to work through them. I thought that I was working through them but instead I was trying to ‘treat’ my emotions instead of letting them treat me. (Deciding what was good or bad and then trying to correct it. Instead of letting them communicate my needs, boundaries, etc.)

I just completed this book 'The Language of Emotions' last month and it has helped (and is helping) me so much! I can see so many of her explanations in my own life. In this book, Karla McLaren says that we don’t choose feelings. They come to us to speak and that we can learn a lot if we just asked them questions. Here are some of the things that she’s has said that I have found proven to be true from my own history. But I wasn’t able to make these connections until her book.

--

Suicidal thoughts aren’t because you want to die. It’s actually because your soul is trying to alert you that you’ve had enough of something in your life and if you’ll just ask these questions, you’ll get immediate answers:

• What needs to end now?
• What can no longer be tolerated in my soul?
• What needs to be killed in my life?

I have been suicidal once in my life. I knew that it was because there was something that I couldn’t get away from. I didn’t want to die but suicide felt like that was the ONLY way out. It took a while before I could change the situation but once I was able to remove myself, the suicidal urges completely stopped! If you’re here, PLEASE ask yourself these questions, then seek help how to change whatever surfaces in your reply. You won’t get locked up just for having thoughts and it’s not anything to be embarrassed about. Please let someone help you navigate this.

-- Anger is a call for better boundaries and a catalyst for change.

-- Shame and anger both are intertwined with many other emotions and are often queues that there are deeper feelings that need to be examined.

-- Sadness brings fluidity to your life, revealing your authentic self and desires. It grounds you to, and helps you move through, other emotions and helps you relax.

-- ‘Stuck sadness’ occurs when anger wasn’t available to help you move through it. (Usually, because we’re taught that anger is bad and so we suppress it.) Sadness supports change and vulnerability. While anger offers stability and protection.

-- Sadness brings water forward to move and soften us.

-- Despair traps water in an unmoving pool. We don’t mourn but instead wallow.

-- Grief is different than both. Instead of bringing the water to us, grief brings us to the water and asks us to plunge under the surface and in doing so be changed forever. Grief is the utterly necessary river of the soul.

-- Fear is related to your intuition but not all fear is bad. (From a completely different angle, another book I recommend here is ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin De Becker. This one helped me started listening to my gut when I frequently found myself in dangerous situations.)

-- If you dam one feeling, you dam them all. If you don’t honor ALL of your emotions, you won’t move into wholeness. The strongest emotions will pretty much repeat themselves (and intensify) until you deal with them.

-- Suffering stops being suffering as soon as we draw a concise picture of it.

-- Separating from the physical can actually help you feel and see your emotions for what they are, like an ‘Eagle eye’ view of the system instead of judging them as good or bad. Feel them. Watch them. Learn from them without judgment. Then you make decisions once you have what you need to know.

-- But when people ‘throw out’ or try to get rid of judgment altogether (because they think it’s ‘bad’), they often lose their ability to discern or process.

-- In people whose emotional processing centers have been destroyed by disease or trauma, they often left unable to make judgments or decisions.

-- Depression is a stop sign. Ask yourself why you're being stopped. I’ve also seen (elsewhere) recently that depression is a sign that we need ‘deep rest’ aka ‘to be still’ to let our emotions talk to us. Clear off the agenda and go sit with yourself for a while. I can even attest that my own depression often comes because I am simply ‘overstimulated’. If I can carve out downtime to rejuvenate that is often the only thing that I needed to do to re-center.  –Nature expedites this for me!

-- Happiness & joy are signs that you're responding appropriately.

This book has been so useful in helping me understand my emotions that I’ve journaled a lot of it and even listened to parts of it twice. I can see it being a point of reference for a LONG time.

You may feel weird with some of her exercises but try them when you need to. You may be pleasantly surprised at how easy and useful they are.

Another tool that has helped me is a feeling wheel and learning the definitions of feelings even when I think that I know what they mean. 

One | An Easter Story

The night before last the kids and I lie in bed. They still curl up with me on weekends, holidays... here and there. We lie in the dark and Jackson says "I want to pray". He also says that we need to hold hands. We form a circle, in hands, in the dark but still lying side by side. He talks about Mary & Joseph and the Passover. When he stopped talking, we each continued to hold the moment; absorbing the stillness of one body.

We wake up early to attend sunrise service. It's something I've never done before. I know better than to attempt a structure when none of us know this routine. I tell the kids to get their warmest pants & shirts, knowing that they are jammies. I make hot cocoa to go and don't even attempt to fix my bed head. We bolt out the door to find the location of the service.

Then my sister-in-law and I snuggle with the kids, on a hill, wrapped in blankets, overlooking the water, while listening to the service. Luke 24:5 Why do you look for the living among the dead? Several local churches have come together, just to celebrate God as one. One God. One Body. One church. I can't think of a better way to start a morning. The verse finds a place to rest on my heart.

I can't help but notice the birds bathing, dipping and flying. For some strange reason groups of 5 keep flying into view. I am mesmerized by their closeness. 2 of them are so close that they only look like 4 birds flying. Each time that they pass by. I am reminded that we are 5 and even though my husband isn't here. We are one in spirit. He is with us on this hill.

We get up to leave and some of my friends come over to talk. -Friends that have just returned from a mission trip to Cuba. Two of them are married. They teasingly said that they were tapping into my vibe while they were there. They were so overcome with tears that they couldn't speak. One time in particular they were both crying and looked at each other and said my name, shaking heads and laughing. I can't help but wonder if it was during a time that I might've been praying for them. Although I know it was the same Holy Spirit flowing and nothing to do with me. But there is a oneness nonetheless, like a current. We get it!

I think of the verse again. Why do we look for the living among the dead? A spark that will ignite in an argument. A sign from God in our dead ends. Something that moves us in the bottom of a wine glass or a song or a purchase. I don't really have a particular personal analogy from today to represent this but each of us have a similar dead thing. Sometimes it changes daily. -A something that either God has never been a part of or has moved on from and yet we cling to. -Demanding that he come be a part of our thing instead of us going to be a part of his. We still want to prove our rightness. Yet the one who rights us has moved on. Follow me.

Later in the evening, I answer some questions about my own past to a friend who is struggling. I feel almost as if I have betrayed what's been overcome by bringing it into the light again. I feel like I've defeated all of the hard work that was put into leaving it behind. Mostly because others were involved. I don't want to betray who, they too, have become. I am thankful to have left a dead place. To have been able to lay down my anger while it may have been justifiable and to lay down my questions even though they were unanswered. So, I could follow the way, the truth and the life. It is our choice to turn away and he will show you the next step, uncover the next truth and show us true life. As one, he can do all three.

We don't learn a new routine until you follow something different, like planning for sunrise service. Then do it again, still without rules, and learn a new familiar. I can't help but find the ironies in the things that we want most, like our rightness, which is only found in him yet we resist so stubbornly. Also how there are so many facets of him that we think we'll recognize although we can't afford the time to learn what he might look like. But when God when? Sometimes we are the deadest/deadliest thing in our lot and we carry us [our motives and desires and our rules] everywhere. When he doesn't fit, he must not apply. Then we hold us up against others.

But we can study, like watching the movement of 4 birds. Wondering why one might look a little different. Only to discover that there is more. Somehow the practice of looking at something else helps us not look at ourselves. If we're not careful, we might forget. A little more each time. A current seals up gaps in space, in time, in memory. A new helps settle the old. A knowing that the current that works in me, works also in those I am connected to simply by letting it flow through. Eventually we learn to hold something intangible like stillness or a light in the dark.


I thank you Father for all that you have overcome and that we get to be a part of it!

Let It Rise | Song

I used to write poetry back in high school. Most of it was all an outlet to frustration and depression. I stopped writing in my twenties. I'm not sure if I simply became too busy or if by being cured of depression, I simply also lost the desire to write that way. I tried happier and whimsical poems to no avail.

Then later over time, I would occasionally start writing a song. -Always a spiritual tune. I'd start singing in the shower and scribble a line as soon as I got out. Then scribble another in the car on the way to work. Maybe by evening I'd shove another in my nightstand. I either never took the time to finish them or compile the pieces of paper.

Then I started this blog and decided that if I did any more songs that way, I'd have to collect all the scraps here until/if I'd finish. This one is the first full song that I've ever written. It might be a pinch too rhymy but I only sing a few stanzas at a time anyway. If anyone ever else wanted to sing the whole thing, they could work that rhyming bit out. -Or he could. ;)

I can't help but find the irony (not so much irony) in going from dark poetry into a freeing song. -God kinda has that way with us, ya know....

Blessings to you friend-


Hope

It springs a well and it's eternal

Let it rise

Let it rise

The spirit wells up inside

and runs straight from my eyes

Let him rise

Let him rise

Your word is on my tongue.

I shout to the skies.
Let it rise.
Let it rise.

Thankfulness, it grows
deep down inside.
Let it rise.
Let it rise.

The woman I've become
comes as a surprise.
Open my eyes
Make me rise.

To stand for all you've promised.
To speak of your great name.
To talk about my weakness
For in you I have no shame.

Grace falls down from the heavens
Washes me below
Removing all that held me down
So I can give to you my soul.

Let it rise.
Let me rise.

To be with you in paradise.
Let us rise.
Let us rise.

And Then Monday

The week before last I read some online articles about suicide that upset me. The articles were mostly about symptoms but then my Pastor shared a sermon on the same subject. It was as if everything was suddenly about suicide, or at least until I got angry about it and then I just sat with the anger. Wrestling. Thinking. Praying. Confused... 

And waiting.

Two family members were heavy on my heart. One of them is my husband. While he is not suicidal, he does suffer from Chronic Illness. He has had peripheral neuropathy in both of his feet for the last 10 years. A certain amount of depression accompanies that. 

He's also had enough circumstances in the last two years that could bring depression anyway, even if the condition didn't do it. And as if that wasn't enough, he has had to take a small "pharmacy" just to dull the symptoms. Those prescriptions add a whole other layer to his battle. 

Not only has he pretty much plateaued on his medication, even though his condition continues to get worse; but being subjected to them for so long, is also taking its toll on his body. To me, his health seems to be declining. Then to top it all off, not one but two his medications are known for increasing suicidal tendencies. 

The first week after I'd read the article, I sat with him on our front porch and told him about the list. I apologized for any flares in my own behavior that came as a result. But then I explained that after reading it, I could not not ask him about it. Of course he soothed my concern and I felt better having mentioned it.

But it was still twisting inside of me.

The next Sunday at church I was moved to tears and my class prayed over me. On the way home, I thought about Jacob wrestling with God and the way that Paul says our flesh and spirit wrestle. I couldn't imagine walking with a limp like Jacob- but even so, I have also learned just how physical our spiritual battles can be.

I thought about how long I might continue this way before God could tell me what it was he wanted me to do. I imagined a man almost at the end of his rope and on his knees begging God to just belt out what it is that he wanted him to do. "Whatever it is God, I will do it!" Then it occurred to me that maybe God also needed me in that exact spot before I would understand myself or before I'd be willing to follow the full instructions. 

I know that sounds strong but when we're going through something, we're always ready to be done with it, aren't we? So, then I just point blank asked him-

What is it God? What is it? 

Of course, I prayed for discernment and courage to face whatever the answer was and the strength to carry it out.

And then Monday, I started reading articles about praying for healing. This article in particular had several points that struck me. 

The first was the reference to false humility. In how we don't want to pray over others because we don't want to "act like God" and yet one of our basic Christian duties is to pray. -Not only with another but over them. 

There were many other powerful insights and then I read some other articles. I am not sure how or where I saw it but at some point I became convicted of whose faith I was believing in- the faith of the person that was being prayed over or the faith of the person praying. After all, didn't I come into my faith because he answered? ...Over and over again.

By the bottom of the article, I simply felt like God was telling my heart that I can clearly see evidence of what is happening to my husband's health. Now I also have a list in hand of some even more terrible magnitudes that this could go to. Knowing how powerful prayer can be- [Not only witnessing what it can do but experiencing God within it.] How could I have both of those options before me and still choose not to pray over him. 

I mean I have prayed on my own and with him about many things but never so specifically for salvation or healing or anything directly pertaining to him, over him. And I think to myself, who am I as his wife and his helper and his friend to withhold something like that from him? 

It was a lot to chew on.

Later at work, I started trying to consider when I might pray or how I would pray. I was reminded of scripture after scripture; Where two or more gather, If you ask and you believe, Say to this blood live, Say to these bones live, Ask and you shall receive, I will restore your health, I am the vine, you are the branches, Greater is he that is in me... My voice began to rise, my eyes were filling and a great surge came.

I finally hit my knees and prayed specifically right then for his healing, both physically and spiritually and in every other fashion. I prayed for our direction, faith, marriage and probably a dozen other things that I couldn't recall now if I tried; Repeating every scripture on my heart. Everything came out with a fury. 

Then just like that-

Peace

It came in the wave as it settled back out to sea, taking all of the anger with it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. –John 14:27

Ask and ye shall receive - Matthew 7:7

***

And if you were curious, I waited for timing and by the following Sunday, I did pray over Colin. I know that God is working.

Picture credit: Low tide on a Constantine wall.

My Cross | Part Two

(If you are reading this, please know this this is a 3 part story. It is recommended that you read part one before continuing.)

Many years ago, I had a brief relationship with a man and I became pregnant. While neither of us knew each other well, we intended to embrace this child. It became obvious, at least to me, almost immediately that we were not necessarily a good pairing.

When I called him on a Tuesday night to break it off, he became angry. I do not dispute that he had good reason. However, he began to say some really dark things and one of which was that he was going to wait nine months, kill me and take the baby.

I get that anger is a mask. His probably covered fear. If I had to guess, I'd say fear of what our separation might mean to his role of fatherhood. I had intended to live within walking distance of him our whole lives so that we could share our roles, but he didn't ask me for clarification.

In my most afraid moments, I've never threatened someone's life, even if I didn't mean it. Unfortunately, I didn't ask him for clarification either. I too became afraid and I panicked.

In a moment, I forgot about how I said that I would "never have an abortion." In a moment, I forgot about my pro-life bumper stickers and anything more important that I might need to consider. I thought to myself, if he can kill me, what might he do to my child and I might not be here to protect him or her. I don't want my baby to suffer. Do something now before it's too late.  I called the clinic the next morning and had an abortion the next day.

Don't try to compare how his potential harm could be any worse that what I did. You will never reconcile that. I know, I have tried. Some of you might even be willing to dispute choices, rights or values but if God thought enough of a life to make it, who are you and I to question it's validity or purpose.

We could dispute timing and whether or not or even when a life becomes a life, but Mark 10:9 says "What God has joined together, let no man separate." Is a child not joined together in a mothers womb, even as a fetus or an embryo?

It doesn't matter where you stand on that platform. I've been on both sides and no matter what I thought that I would do, I became capable of something else that I couldn't fathom, in that moment of having to choose.

From the other side of that fence, I will tell you this- It does not matter what age or function you, I, or even science can define, there is a maternal connection from the moment of conception. The SOUL knows about the mysterious and divine purpose of what is growing inside. Science, medicine, the advice of peers, the facts on paper, the environment we're in- NOTHING that aides in the decision for choosing an abortion will ever prepare a woman for the grief and the guilt that follows it.

I share my cross, because if you are pregnant, whether or not you believe in certain rights; if you have found your self considering an abortion. I beg you to petition your heart. Seek more than the mere council at the clinic or your peers. It is not a quick decision or a simple choice. It is a cross road. Once you go down it, there is no undoing it. While some may be shielded from the aftermath, there are many who would say that a part of your soul dies along with that child. Deut 30:19 says "Choose life, so that you may also live!"

My perspective is certainly from the mother's side but there are also fathers that share this burden. Whether it's a man or woman, there is someone reading this that doesn't know that there is still hope "for a sinner like me." They are still trapped in that darkness and it's likely that they would never find their way to healing because they just don't know that they are still worth it or that there is help available. I didn't know that there was a bible study for abortion, but it was life changing. I share my story because I want to help change someones life. And in doing so, I get to also talk about my other child.

I write this for a genuine love for Christ and his people and an appraisal of my faith. I can't know this and then not do something with it. Not everyone is as "personal" as I am. It seems so wasteful to have a gift like that and then not use it for the glory of his kingdom.

This will sound so cliche but it was only Jesus that saved me from the pain of what I'd done. So, this is my cross. I lay it at your feet. Use it as a bridge to cross over if you need to...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Mathew 11:28)

****

If you know me or live near me, please also know that I've spoken with my preacher about leading these classes. You can message me if you want to be notified about the details. If you're not near me, you can check out this link for more information. http://www.nlfs.org/postabortion/. There are also other studies that you can research. Just search post abortion bible study. Most material also has an outreach for men.

The Other Side Of that Dirty Word | Part Three

The Other Side Of That Dirty Word | Part Three

(If you are reading this, please know this this is a 3 part story. It is recommended that you read part one and part two before continuing.)

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Antidotes and curiosity.
Prayers and Sympathy.
All good intentions but mail-
left undeliverable.

***

Feeling helpless as you wait and you watch.
The day in-
          -The day out.
knowing that something is going to happen and you are unable to stop it
it’s already happened.

You just rewind the wheel.

***

In my mind there is panic.
I shove from me, 
Scripture, I’ve rehearsed.
Hands, of those who love me.
Who, I said that I was, before you.
c o n s o l a t i o n 

...but never you

They are all
no longer visible.
I disappear into the darkness.
I can’t even find my 
self...

Knowing that being hollowed out is more than an empty womb.
Needing something to rock but having nothing to hold.
I didn’t bury my child
or save a sweet reminder.

Our fates hang in unrest

***

I envision a little girl.
Sometimes arms outstretched.
But full of questions.

I envision a little girl with curls, a toothy smile.
A tear streaked face.
Does she know me?

But I don’t even know if it is he or she that haunts me.

***

I send a birthday wish in an imaginary balloon and hope 
-it reaches the heavens-
Every year.

I send another full of sorrow
and I wonder if it can float that high since it feels so heavy.
Every year on the other day…

***

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Those words fall to the ground.
Life was lost when I didn’t choose it.

***

In the span of time, photographs
would have shaped into the face of a woman.
I am sure that you are beautiful.

But the one I carry is not from this time.
It’s in my heart and it’s unmovable.

It is of how 
you will always be-
My baby.



***********************************
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18



What you have read above, is not a burden that I still carry but it is important to recognize the grief accompanied by abortion. If you have had an abortion and are struggling with your decision, please know that there IS healing and hope in our Lord. I lead classes on Post Abortion Trauma and Forgiveness. If you are interested in classes and live near me, please message me for details. If you're not near me, you can check out this link for more information. There are also other studies that you can research. Just search post abortion bible study. Most material also has an outreach for men.