Earlier this week I posted a question on my Facebook page:
I am leading an online study for “The Power of a Praying Wife”. We are in week 13 (of 31) and the chapter is “His Trials”. There are a few lines from this week that have been very thought provoking. They read:
"If your husband is going through a difficult time, carry it in prayer but don't carry the burden. Even though you may want to don't try to take away his load and make it yours. That will ultimately leave him feeling weak and like a failure. Besides God doesn't want you doing His work."
Our society tells us that for a woman to be powerful, she has to do everything that a man can do –and do it better. Even on the Biblical side when you look at Proverbs 31 and everything that a God Glorifying woman does, the list appears to be endless. After all, in the very beginning when God created Adam, he made for him a “helper” named Eve. (Genesis 2:20-23). –Oh and let’s not forget the famous words from 1 Corinthians 10:31 “Do it ALL for the Glory of the Lord”. But you get the idea…
Whatever the motivation, I know many a woman that tries hard, maybe too hard and maybe even for all of the right reasons. I know that there is a gray line between the paragraph in my book and the drivers that I just shared. Both are right at different times and yet maybe the same time.
Then I asked if anyone had any discernment here on knowing the difference between “Helping by doing for/with him” versus “Helping by letting him struggle through it”.
“Coincidentally” I thumbed through another book and landed on a page that also says “Assuming too much responsibility for others deprives them of the lessons that arise from the choices they have made. Those in pain need our compassion and support, but if we carry the weight for them, we rob them of their strength and self-respect.”
So, I let those passages swirl in prayer throughout the day... and week.
While I could give you examples from my marriage, I will withhold. Because places in marriage [ahem, places in life] whether it’s mine or yours, can be hard. That doesn’t mean bad. It simply means hard, even when it’s good. After all, you’re growing. You’ll hit trial after trial. It might be health, jobs, finances, transitions, addictions or trauma… Heck, sometimes simply living with a person that is not you, is hard. At least in the beginning.
And then just when you get all of those above scenarios worked out, something changes and a different trial comes into view.
Anyway, let me first rephrase the question: How to help your husband carry his load in the trial, without assuming too much responsibility for it? Ultimately all of these bullets are ways to hold each of you accountable. Dear wife, you can still “do it all” and “do it well”. Hopefully, these tips just help each of us do it a little better.
1. Don’t decide for him what he can and can’t handle, even if he already has a lot on his plate. Don’t assume all of the chores if he’s sick. Modify them if necessary but don’t eliminate a need from/for him. Don’t stop asking his opinion, even if you know the best answer or what he might do. And if you’ve never “needed” him before to get things done, this might be the very best time to start including him. Show him that he has purpose and value. Nothing can be more discouraging that to not even be needed or considered.
2. Be truthful. Depending on the trial, you might have some negative reactions to it. If you don’t tell your spouse all of the ways that their trial affects you, then technically, you’re withholding information. Not only that but turning part of your heart away can allow other negative feelings to grow and can “show up” in other less appropriate places.
Plus, by not telling him how something affects you, you’re depriving him of the opportunity to do anything about it. In order to make the best decision, he will need all of the info. It’s your job to help him get it. If you’re a “stuffer”, especially when you’re upset, you might actually need a little help figuring out what part you find upsetting. The good news is, you don’t have to know the right words, you can just start with “Hey something is off and I don’t like it… I need to say some things that might be hard to hear, in order to sort out my answer and get to the bottom of it.” [But schedule and make enough time for that!]
3. Be his cheerleader …not just his task reminder system – Wives are a great “Task Force”! bad ump bump. But seriously, we are! And most of us mean it in an encouraging way. It’s not always and only for the things we need help with either. Sometimes it’s their list too. “Did you make your appointment?” “Did you pick up _____?” Have you decided what you’re going to do about ______?”
We’re quick to remind them of all of the things that are still needed and sometimes we’re even good about saying thanks for all of the things that they’ve done. But is that all that you remind him of?
Or do you also try to remind him of the man that God created him to be and what his strengths are? What better way to encourage your spouse, especially during a trial, than to remind them what they actually do very well. -Where their talents are and what passions or gifts they have or how they can use them for good in the situation. It might even behoove all of us to sit down and make a list of our spouse's strengths just so that we know. (Feel free to start with some of the reasons why you married him.)
4. Don’t compare his way versus yours - That’s the quickest route to division between you. You may not agree on the end result or how you go about it but look for ways that you can both get there together. After all, if both of you are throwing the ball, no one is there to catch it. You need two different angles and you're both on the same team.
5. Don’t let “it” get dominion over your home. Be intentional about bringing something else into view. You most likely have kids, still need a date night and have other things that need to happen. Be sure to include those other things in your conversations, decisions and activities. Don’t build everything in your home around the sin, the status or the sickness or you might lose sight of the people behind it.
6. Check your own heart – Isn’t it easy to encourage our spouses when they are merely disappointed in themselves. It’s sometimes another thing entirely when their decisions disappoint us too. Are you still able to encourage your spouse when he fails to meet your expectations?
This one might be a tough pill to swallow but if it’s you, then there’s hope. You can repent of it. You can apologize to your spouse. You can practice being more encouraging during those times. –But the best thing you can do is take it to the Lord in prayer. “Lord, help me see and love my spouse like you do.” In all seriousness, I wrote about the first time that I prayed that prayer and it wasn't about my husband. It was life changing. I have prayed it a million times since then and if you’re sincere, it works with everyone. Perhaps that’s why Stormie wrote a book about praying for your spouse.
This one might be a tough pill to swallow but if it’s you, then there’s hope. You can repent of it. You can apologize to your spouse. You can practice being more encouraging during those times. –But the best thing you can do is take it to the Lord in prayer. “Lord, help me see and love my spouse like you do.” In all seriousness, I wrote about the first time that I prayed that prayer and it wasn't about my husband. It was life changing. I have prayed it a million times since then and if you’re sincere, it works with everyone. Perhaps that’s why Stormie wrote a book about praying for your spouse.
The truth is, most of these answers have come to me through prayer too. Maybe at different times and not all over the course of this last week. –But it was prayer that gave me insight and not only that, it changed my actions as a result. When you go the Lord in prayer, the answers start with you.
Remember, the Lord says in Isaiah 46:4 “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” He will carry you (and your spouse) turn by turn if you let him. So be sure to stop and ask Him first for direction(s).
May this be a blessing to you and yours!
