Let It Rise | Song

I used to write poetry back in high school. Most of it was all an outlet to frustration and depression. I stopped writing in my twenties. I'm not sure if I simply became too busy or if by being cured of depression, I simply also lost the desire to write that way. I tried happier and whimsical poems to no avail.

Then later over time, I would occasionally start writing a song. -Always a spiritual tune. I'd start singing in the shower and scribble a line as soon as I got out. Then scribble another in the car on the way to work. Maybe by evening I'd shove another in my nightstand. I either never took the time to finish them or compile the pieces of paper.

Then I started this blog and decided that if I did any more songs that way, I'd have to collect all the scraps here until/if I'd finish. This one is the first full song that I've ever written. It might be a pinch too rhymy but I only sing a few stanzas at a time anyway. If anyone ever else wanted to sing the whole thing, they could work that rhyming bit out. -Or he could. ;)

I can't help but find the irony (not so much irony) in going from dark poetry into a freeing song. -God kinda has that way with us, ya know....

Blessings to you friend-


Hope

It springs a well and it's eternal

Let it rise

Let it rise

The spirit wells up inside

and runs straight from my eyes

Let him rise

Let him rise

Your word is on my tongue.

I shout to the skies.
Let it rise.
Let it rise.

Thankfulness, it grows
deep down inside.
Let it rise.
Let it rise.

The woman I've become
comes as a surprise.
Open my eyes
Make me rise.

To stand for all you've promised.
To speak of your great name.
To talk about my weakness
For in you I have no shame.

Grace falls down from the heavens
Washes me below
Removing all that held me down
So I can give to you my soul.

Let it rise.
Let me rise.

To be with you in paradise.
Let us rise.
Let us rise.

And Then Monday

The week before last I read some online articles about suicide that upset me. The articles were mostly about symptoms but then my Pastor shared a sermon on the same subject. It was as if everything was suddenly about suicide, or at least until I got angry about it and then I just sat with the anger. Wrestling. Thinking. Praying. Confused... 

And waiting.

Two family members were heavy on my heart. One of them is my husband. While he is not suicidal, he does suffer from Chronic Illness. He has had peripheral neuropathy in both of his feet for the last 10 years. A certain amount of depression accompanies that. 

He's also had enough circumstances in the last two years that could bring depression anyway, even if the condition didn't do it. And as if that wasn't enough, he has had to take a small "pharmacy" just to dull the symptoms. Those prescriptions add a whole other layer to his battle. 

Not only has he pretty much plateaued on his medication, even though his condition continues to get worse; but being subjected to them for so long, is also taking its toll on his body. To me, his health seems to be declining. Then to top it all off, not one but two his medications are known for increasing suicidal tendencies. 

The first week after I'd read the article, I sat with him on our front porch and told him about the list. I apologized for any flares in my own behavior that came as a result. But then I explained that after reading it, I could not not ask him about it. Of course he soothed my concern and I felt better having mentioned it.

But it was still twisting inside of me.

The next Sunday at church I was moved to tears and my class prayed over me. On the way home, I thought about Jacob wrestling with God and the way that Paul says our flesh and spirit wrestle. I couldn't imagine walking with a limp like Jacob- but even so, I have also learned just how physical our spiritual battles can be.

I thought about how long I might continue this way before God could tell me what it was he wanted me to do. I imagined a man almost at the end of his rope and on his knees begging God to just belt out what it is that he wanted him to do. "Whatever it is God, I will do it!" Then it occurred to me that maybe God also needed me in that exact spot before I would understand myself or before I'd be willing to follow the full instructions. 

I know that sounds strong but when we're going through something, we're always ready to be done with it, aren't we? So, then I just point blank asked him-

What is it God? What is it? 

Of course, I prayed for discernment and courage to face whatever the answer was and the strength to carry it out.

And then Monday, I started reading articles about praying for healing. This article in particular had several points that struck me. 

The first was the reference to false humility. In how we don't want to pray over others because we don't want to "act like God" and yet one of our basic Christian duties is to pray. -Not only with another but over them. 

There were many other powerful insights and then I read some other articles. I am not sure how or where I saw it but at some point I became convicted of whose faith I was believing in- the faith of the person that was being prayed over or the faith of the person praying. After all, didn't I come into my faith because he answered? ...Over and over again.

By the bottom of the article, I simply felt like God was telling my heart that I can clearly see evidence of what is happening to my husband's health. Now I also have a list in hand of some even more terrible magnitudes that this could go to. Knowing how powerful prayer can be- [Not only witnessing what it can do but experiencing God within it.] How could I have both of those options before me and still choose not to pray over him. 

I mean I have prayed on my own and with him about many things but never so specifically for salvation or healing or anything directly pertaining to him, over him. And I think to myself, who am I as his wife and his helper and his friend to withhold something like that from him? 

It was a lot to chew on.

Later at work, I started trying to consider when I might pray or how I would pray. I was reminded of scripture after scripture; Where two or more gather, If you ask and you believe, Say to this blood live, Say to these bones live, Ask and you shall receive, I will restore your health, I am the vine, you are the branches, Greater is he that is in me... My voice began to rise, my eyes were filling and a great surge came.

I finally hit my knees and prayed specifically right then for his healing, both physically and spiritually and in every other fashion. I prayed for our direction, faith, marriage and probably a dozen other things that I couldn't recall now if I tried; Repeating every scripture on my heart. Everything came out with a fury. 

Then just like that-

Peace

It came in the wave as it settled back out to sea, taking all of the anger with it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. –John 14:27

Ask and ye shall receive - Matthew 7:7

***

And if you were curious, I waited for timing and by the following Sunday, I did pray over Colin. I know that God is working.

Picture credit: Low tide on a Constantine wall.

The Talent

I heard a story about a friend the other day. It was quick and over the top and just the type of story that I would expect to hear about this person. In fact if you knew the person at all, you'd know that this person is a "grab life by the horns" kind of guy. Fearless.

The story was interrupted before I got all of the details but on my way home I couldn't stop thinking of the bits I knew. In fact when I retreated to my car, to my surprise, I cried simply because it touched me so deeply. I was in awe.

I let out a prayer to God. One of mixed emotions; maybe with shame, relief, confusion and to question- It had been a few years since I've seen or heard from this person and so why is this affecting me so much now...

Fast Forward

I started a new study last week with my Sunday School class called "Created To Be God's Friend" by Henry Blackaby. Day two starts with a sentence "Only one life to live, and it will soon be past, and only what is done with God will last. This can, if one believes this truth, bring to all of life an urgency to live meaningfully and to live well."

I continue on in the chapter and then answer the first question. "How would your family and friends know that you live life with intentional focus and certainty to the point that you do not waste life or live life carelessly?" To which I replied: I'm told that I am sensitive and think too much and/or take things too seriously but also that I make things magical (in a sense). I think that is definitely because of my relationship with God and because I consider "MORE" than just what I see!

Moving on in the chapter the summary asks us to "Write a statement here that God has used most in your life today." And my pen spilled over...

"[Repeating my response to the last question] I guess I feel like God is trying or has been trying for a while now; to help me celebrate and want to cultivate what makes me different. I used to let the devil isolate me with my differences or make me feel like something was wrong with me. [Like over explaining and thinking too much]. But when I start thinking about the good that God could do with my differences; I start looking for those special ways that I can serve. Then I look for how I can do just a teensy bit more to give God GLORY. -To provoke thought, to inspire or to endear.

When I slow down to think about those things- When I remove the distractions in my life so that I am free to take my time- If I put my heart in it- I am really proud of the woman that God thought I could be. What other way can I give Glory to God than by doing my best to be that person?!"

Ooh my heart was stirred and my eyes filled with tears. I thought of my friend again then continued to write. "There was a period in my life where I compared everything because the devil was still using my differences to make me feel like I didn't have it right. So, I tried to hide that part of me away. In hiding myself and in keeping God in a quiet corner, I allowed the devil to twist my longings with things that I felt were worth comparing."

Back up

Back in December I started the study "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" by Beth Moore. It's a study about the ways that you can become "had" by the Devil. This was also right around the time I started allowing God to really get into the meat of my identity. Around page 40 a class mate said the material made him consider the Parable of the hidden talent and then he read it to us.

You might be familiar with this chapter because it's usually tied to the subject of money or tithes or giving. Yet somehow it became so literal to me. The parable of our hidden talent. I'd never considered hiding things of me [good or bad] as a sin against God, especially when those things were related to insecurity. I came home and started a post but could never find the words to fill it.

Meanwhile (Another side trail)

For a while now I've started letting God pull me back from other activities so that I could spend more time with him. (I know that sounds strange but I will elaborate more on another day.) I also started doing random little things, like writing letters to people that touch me. Stopping to do something (that often seemed silly or pointless) for someone else. Praying with people, even if I didn't know them. I've even started giving some personal things or time away but with a scripture and personal story that tied it all together but for God's name instead of mine.... (That's not to toot my own horn, please keep reading.)

But suddenly-

All at once this morning it came together in my heart. My friend inspired me to be deeper and more meaningful and to want to unearth greatness. His unique contribution in my own life simply reminded me or magnified my own desires for those very same purposes.

Thankfully, God led me to realize [back then] that I was drawing too close to my friend. I confessed to God and even to my friend. Almost immediately my mountain moved and our ties were severed.

In that time since I have seen my him; I have really re-evaluated my life. I've scaled back on a lot of things and I've poured my heart into my own faith, myself and my family. In each one of those moments that I explained where I have given something personal of myself -God has moved me. In such a way that words and testimony just can't explain. I found that same awe inspiring greatness. In me. Not of me. Not because of me but in what the holy spirit does inside my heart and mind that causes me to want to move.

Let me restate: When I allowed God to come into all of the parts of my life, he became able to move me. Every time that he does, I find that thing that I have been longing for. It is almost always by the thing that he asks me to do. And yet, it's only when I do it in a way that only I can do, do I feel that he gets the glory.

One of my favorite quotes is by Theodore Roosevelt. "Comparison is the greatest thief of joy". Joy is a promise and a gift of the holy spirit. It's not based on circumstance or talent. It is a reward of obedience and a satisfaction that comes from being true to God. While comparison on the other hand, keeps us from looking at who and or what we are to obey.

Comparison might have allowed me to draw too close to someone else and potentially away from others. But aren't those desires that we feel that we need to compare, the very same ones that God wants to cultivate inside each of us or our lives? He calls to us in our heart and reaches into the depths of our souls. Wanting to pull out this "talent" we've hidden away. So that HE can make us radiate and shine for his Glory!

If we allow ourselves to watch anyone other than God, it becomes an invitation for the Devil to.... just confuse us.

So why the tears?

Of course I missed my friend and my heart spilled over for what he has been able to accomplish and the places his life has taken him. The latest news made my heart glad to see that he was still as I remember him.

It was also a moment of rejoicing. I mean just looking at where the Lord has taken me and how listening but also guarding my heart truly saves... -No matter what our circumstances are, or what our minds, or even our feelings might lead us to believe otherwise. My life is pretty incredible these days and in that very same token this occurrence just reminded me of how close I could've been had by the devil.

Also, I think the tears were a sign that healing was coming. Once I sat down and really calculated these thoughts, it seemed to finally heal a sensitive place.

Lastly, my friend might actually be afraid of many things but he never let fear stop him. Perhaps that alone is all it really takes to make a difference in someone else's life. -Even your own.

Always guard your heart. For all that you do flows from it. Proverbs 23:7 

Greater is he that is IN me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4


To the reader: 

Isn't it longings that send people after money and chasing dreams, leaving spouses and sadly even sometimes leaving this life voluntarily? We seem to spending most of our lives looking for accountability partners, advice, etc. but God is calling, reaching, and waiting to fill those desires and we simply go the other way.

Spend some time this week (and longer) really considering what makes you different. What is it that you wish you could do differently? Then consider what it is that people compliment you on. How are they connected? Ask yourself what it is that you've been longing for?  Are you connecting a longing with a specific person or thing?  Take a moment to ask God if it's really that which you are after or if perhaps it's him.... Ask him to fill it and redirect it instead.

Don't want what someone else has. Want what God wants to give you. Often we already have all of the pieces. Sometimes we just need to rearrange our view.

Beyond words (Job 32:18) ... HE satisfies. (Psalm 63:2-5)

Be still

This morning I was looking for a picture of still water, like on a beach or shoreline after a storm. I was out of time an unable to find one. I got in the car and dropped the kids off and headed in to work. This particular commute rode parallel to a river and I couldn't help but notice the sky and the water. It was almost the exact feeling that I was looking for. However on this stretch, it was hard to find a place to pull off the road.

When I finally found an opening, I ran through the marshy grass and mud and sand (in my slacks of course). Fortunately for me, some fishermen before had left some boards to walk on.

I stood on the shore and tried to catch a few pictures but couldn't seem to get the right angle. I turned around and everything seemed to call me along a little farther down the beach. 

One more step might make a difference. Click. 

            And then another. Click. 

                    Just one more. Click, click. Click..

        Repeat.

I was drifting...

I reflect on a past and one of my favorite poems by Rod McKuen, While Drifting.

Sometimes we drift the farthest when we know exactly where we are going and what we are looking for. It is often when we do what we perceive as drifting that we instead find-

Solace.

I noticed the shore. It was covered with shells. I remembered that after a storm is always the best time to look for treasures. I made a note to take the kids some time. 

Purposefully. After a storm.

I'd found an arrow head along this river when I was younger. My heart became intent to find another trinket. I felt the call to look ahead. Directly. Down. 

Something was waiting.

I kept looking.

In a matter of minutes I held a handful of souvenirs. I found a single barnacle and some snail shells. -Some of the smallest I'd ever seen. They lie underneath the pile. 

Hidden.

Waiting,

to be discovered.

Again.

Something kept calling. 

I took a few more quick peeks between the blades of grass. The van was still running and I needed to go. It was almost out of site. 

But just as I turn to give one last goodbye...

I see it.

It was the picture that I was looking for.

-Except better.

It is what the stillness in my heart is growing into. Captured.

And so, easily I could've missed it, if I hadn't stopped just for a moment and then gotten a little deeper-

To be still.

He leads beside still waters. -Psalm 23:2

He stilled the storm to a whisper. -Psalm 107:29

Be still and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10