Down Below | Jonah Part 4

The Prophet Jonah Before the Walls of Nineveh
by Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn

In my last post, I gave a little bit more information about Jonah “before he got on the boat”. We also looked at a few examples of what running might look like in our own lives. Then I noticed something else in verse 5.

“But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep.”

In other words, he withdrew.

Sometimes when you feel a storm be it a mood or an actual change. Don’t you have the tendency to withdraw? Some go to the bar. Some, like Jonah, return to their bed and try to sleep through it and some lose themselves in the tasks that we described in the last post.

Sometimes when you’re going through something, don’t you just want to get to the bottom of it? You withdraw from all other activities to analyze ‘this thing’. You're on a mission. You’re not trying to withdraw; you’re actually trying really hard to be present. –The purest and present self that you can be. “You just gotta get this thing worked out first…”

Let me quickly add that I don’t think all withdrawing is bad. Jesus went away on a mountain. A caterpillar goes away to transform into a butterfly. Good things come out of retreating.

But you need to be careful here because 1 Peter 5:8 also says “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I do believe that you are more susceptible to spiritual attack when you remain isolated or withdrawn because;

When you’re alone, your story becomes the only one that you hear. -And let’s be honest, sometimes the story inside our head is a little out of focus. So, our responses to the situation get a little skewed as well. We need some interaction to help keep us from slipping too deeply into "our version".

But also, in that place of being withdrawn, you’re usually worn out. Whether or not you’re asleep or simply want to be. The first half of the verse in Peter says “Be alert and sober-minded.” When you’re weary, you’re not “alert”. You can even experience a little drunkenness from a lack of sleep. Then there’s sobriety from any “helpers” we might consider to “take the edge off.” When you’re not fully rested and “sober”, you’re exacerbating that “thought problem” and your emotional responses to it.

We see examples of Jonah's heightened emotions and exhaustion between these pages. It is assumed by other commentators that Jonah might have feared the Assyrians rising back up to overtake Israel. We know that in Chapter 4 he displays anger at the Lord for showing mercy to them. This is most likely because he had "stewed" in his frustration and fear of them for so long. Any of us can admit that happens more when we're alone. Whether or not he had wanted to die when decided to go overboard, he had convinced himself that suicide might be "the only way out" of his misery because running and isolation didn't work!

Whether or not you think that's true, it is what happens next.

"Jonah and the Whale Bible Story" by Dennis McGeary

So I ask you to consider, if you feel the need to withdraw for any reason but particularly during a storm, could you be running from something as well? If so, try to identify any fear(s), especially if you can’t stop what you're doing, and then ask yourself why that might be important. Jot it down.

This is kind of a sidebar but it's an important one. Sometimes this thought process can become an obsession or an addiction. You might not know how you get there. You might not see any way out. You might choose to steep yourselves in scriptures trying to combat it. While that must be better- is it really? 

I am not saying that scripture doesn't have power. The Bible plainly tells us to meditate on His Word and that scripture IS our greatest weapon of defense. I learned what I am getting ready to tell you by being in this place and meditating on scripture. So YES, there is power in it but also hear this with your heart-

If you're allowing a thing to isolate you or to control your moods and thoughts; and if even the scriptures that you meditate on have to be about your problem, you're getting sideswiped by something else and it is called worry.

When you give something else that much power over you, it can become an idol [limiting your view of God] and inadvertently, you can let it devour you. 

Pastor Fred Michaux of City Life church said: "You will never have dominion of any appetite of your body until you make fasting a regular part of your diet". If you've gone, like Jonah, down into the deepest part of your storm, I challenge you to fast from that place and come up for air and out into the light. Practice putting it down.

Aside from that, just because you’re running / withdrawing, doesn’t mean that it’s only affecting you. -No matter what you might tell yourself. Look around you and then back at Jonah. The men were throwing stuff off the boat while Jonah was asleep because his resistance turned pure chaos. Ahem, calamity. The point is, it's likely that everyone around you is affected by what you're going through, even if they’re not sure yet what it is or that you have something to do with it. 

***

Storms don’t always look like the message in Jonah. Sometimes we’re homesick. Sometimes our parenting skills reveal to us that we don’t know all that we think that we do. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with our spouse or maybe there’s sickness, adultery or addiction. Storms come in a variety of ways but perhaps our responses are really kind of the same. Even when we try to justify that we’re not on a boat and haven’t fled the country.

The storm comes to reveal what we’re afraid of and sometimes it takes something that we hate to reveal it. But keep in mind that Jonah was challenged with delivering the truth. Is it also possible that some of your own “truths” need to be a little challenged here as well?  

Everyone in this picture; the Assyrians, the men in the boat and Jonah needed a different perspective about God. Could He really be -even bigger- than what our view and "allowances" make of him too? After all, isn't that why we sometimes think that we can take things into our own hands? -And don't storms often come and clear the air?

And yes, there's more.

[To be Continued]

All post in this series |Beginning | Previous

Oh Anxiety...

Do you struggle with anxiety? If so, my heart goes out to you. But you are not alone! Did you know that…

• General anxiety affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population. 
• Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. 
• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18% of the population. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health). 
• According to a 2007 ADAA survey, 36% of people with social anxiety disorder report experiencing symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help.
• Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment.

[Source: Anxiety & Depression Association of America]

In addition to those statistics, I have also struggled with it. It can be debilitating. I know. Even when it’s not to that extreme, it can still be frustrating and exhausting. But I have learned some things that have really helped me to keep it in check. I’d like to share them with you. (As well as make myself a good list to check in with, if I have a flare up.)

First let me tell you about two of the most significant periods that I’ve experienced it. The first was in high school. It was a season that I was also suicidal and diagnosed as borderline bipolar. Paxil, Trazodone, Depakote were several of the pills that were prescribed for depression and insomnia. I struggled with full out panic attacks. I could be walking down the hallway with a bunch of friends, laughing and having a great time, then BAM. I would suddenly start to hyperventilate and the tears would come uncontrollably out of nowhere.

The second was actually in the last year as I sorted out some personal changes. Other than that, I occasionally struggle with more of a general or social anxiety. These two scenarios are just the most severe and the notes below are what I’ve learned through those experiences. Clearly you may have different triggers but hopefully at least one of the things below will speak to you.

1. Boundaries

In the first scenario, when anxiety was at it’s height, I was paralyzed. Honestly, I didn’t know why at the time. –Because I thought I was ‘fine’ and dealing with everything okay. But there were some situations in my life that brought me a great deal of stress. Being a minor limited how I was able to deal with it. Counseling helped but removing myself from the situation, even only temporarily, brought me the most immediate relief.

In the second scenario, there were some things that were out of balance. –And with the best of intentions and a good heart, I allowed them to get that way. –And it wasn’t until I felt like I no longer recognized myself that I realized that I had let it go too far.  Only then was I able to see how, by not having good boundaries, I was carried away. By this time, even the smaller flares of anxiety were more frequent.

In both cases I was just too close to the situation to be objective or to recognize where things were fuzzy. If you’re experiencing a burden, is it possible that you can step away [from it] to take a better look? If you’re flying solo most of the time, you might also actually need the perspectives of some good, strong, positive, God fearing peers.

When it comes to boundaries, the best verse that I can give you here, is what I consider to be my life verse. “Above all else, guard your heart for all you do flows from it.” - Proverbs 4:23 God made each of us with a special purpose and individual dream(s), gifts, responsibilities, etc. As stewards of the measure that He has given to each of us; not having appropriate boundaries can result in misuse, disobedience or sin on our end.

And if you’re feel too muddled up to know where to put a boundary, start by considering what your values are. What relationships you want to have in your life and what you want them to look like. Then identify what you know that you don’t want. Even if it’s in accomplishing tasks, setting big rocks vs little rocks, I have found it particularly useful to identify where I am willing to “fail” in addition to where I want success. Because let's face it, we really aren't able to do it all! This way, you can come up with the best plan and when it doesn’t go quite right, you already have an idea of what needs to get bagged. –In the heat of the moment that’s a lot harder to discern.

Whether you are starting with values and God’s will for you life or if you’re ready to focus on the boundaries. Here are some resources below that can help you get started.

• [Podcast] “Guardrails”, Andy Stanley | If you download the “Your Move” Ap the segments are free.
• [Book] “Discovering God’s Will”, Andy Stanley – This is particularly useful, if you lost touch with your values. It helps you paint the initial picture, then you can start establishing the guard rails.
• [Books] “Boundaries”, Henry Cloud | Test

2. Rest

Hebrews 4:1-13 is a great passage to read about the Sabbath Rest for the People of God. I encourage you to read it for yourself but let me share with you some points that stick out from it. The first is that verse 2 of “the message” translation states “We received the same promises as those people in the wilderness, but the promises didn’t do them a bit of good because they didn’t receive the promises with faith.”  My commentary on this area says that “When we trust our own efforts instead of Christ’s power, we too are in danger of turning back. Our own efforts are never adequate; only Christ can see us through.” 

I don’t know how it is for you but as for me I find that I always have one more thing to do. Whether it’s a committee that I can be on or a class that I can take. Even when I try to leave from work for the day or when I am home on Saturday in my sweat pants. There is always one.more.thing. that can be done.  It competes with the time that I spend with my husband and our kids. It competes with my time outdoors enjoying nature. It competes with sitting still and doing nothing!

But isn’t my answer to the call of the ‘To do list’ because I trust that I can get it all done. Even when I am worn down, growing irritable and out of my love walk [the second greatest commandment], I am still trying to complete the list.  But for what? In the end, I don't want to be known as the "master list checker-offer." Yet is it pride that would allow me to look at that list and say “I’ve made this happen.” or “I’ve completed that list...” Trusting in self…? uh-oh…

Start small and find a way to work into your schedule small increments of “sit and do nothing” time. Whether it’s a few minutes a day, a whole day of the week or some other format. If we’re too busy to focus on our love walk and even resting [in our Father’s love], then we’re flat out too busy. I heard a great quote at church last Saturday night that I believe applies here. “You will never have dominion over any appetite of your body until you make fasting a regular part of your diet.” - Fred Michaux, Pastor of City Life. Consider your “to do” an appetite. Then fast from feeding it, even if it’s only in the smallest of ways.

Lastly, if we skip down in our same chapter, verse 7 reads “Those earlier ones never did get to the place of rest because they were disobedient. God keeps renewing the promise and setting the date as today” skip another line “…TODAY, please listen, don’t turn a deaf ear…”

3. Take Thoughts Captive

This item and the one after might seem like contradictions and so I will do the best that I can to separate them. THINK about what you’re thinking about! I read a book over the summer called “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life” by Marilee Adams.  It was interesting to see how she identified that our responses to situations lead back to thoughts that start from one of 2 places.

The first is, by judging situations. In her example, the main character often wound up angry or frustrated because of judgments made in his own thought process early on. The second is by taking a learner approach where again, the main characters were more accepting and willing to move forward with something all by changing a few words in the initial questions that they asked while assessing situations.

I found the same to be true with my own thoughts. I am more critical of my children and others, when I judge what they’re doing instead of trying to understand what they are trying to accomplish or where they are coming from. I am more self deprecating when I judge my actions, instead of embracing the learning curve of figuring things out. Situations frustrate me more when I judge them instead of looking for way that I can change them or their impact.

I have also noticed a similar “pattern” with all of my feelings too. -Particularly around fear, anxiety or depression. Many times those responses also seem to lead back to the order of my thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says to take EVERY thought captive. Just because a thought comes into our minds, it does not mean that we have to think it. If it doesn’t line up with the mind of Christ, STOP thinking it. Would Christ be anxious? Would Christ worry? Would Christ be stressing over x, y, or z? Would Christ stew in regret? No. In fact, even if it was the last option, He’d right the circumstance and have peace, or He would say “My Father rights me” and well… He’d have peace!  I firmly believe that you and I are to take the same approach.

I used to think that we should combat those those ‘bad thoughts’ by trying to rehearse scripture back to the devil about who we are in Christ. But to tell you the truth, I felt a little nutty doing that and it seemed to wind me up all the more. I now believe that we shouldn’t even give the devil the time of day. When that misaligned thought comes up, switch the subject! -Sing a song, phone a friend, or do something/anything other than think it!  -Heck bust out in some praise to God. After all, worship is a weapon! Maybe also keep a journal and when you are anxious, FIRST ask yourself what you are thinking about. Did your location, a person or event trigger a change in your thoughts? Jot your answers down.

–THEN switch the subject and do one of those other things!

4. Listen To Your Body

This is where I said it can get a little tricky. If you’re wigged out from all the thoughts you’ve had, it could be really easy to just ride the wave of how we’re feeling or if those feelings are only a reaction to trash that you’ve been thinking, well… that’s a problem. You don’t want to go that way. That’s why I put the thought thing first.

I get the pleasure of working with a lady named Donna Highfill. Before she came to the bank she was a personal coach and public speaker. She once said something to the affect of your brain can’t tell the difference in real fear or fake fear. If you are in a situation where you are afraid for your life, afraid of spiders, afraid of small spaces, etc. or if you’re just thinking about the thing that you’re afraid of, your brain is already responding. It’s releasing chemicals and your muscles are contracting, your heart rate or breath is responding in accordance to your brain activity. Your brain doesn’t know that you don’t need to be afraid. 

I bet that’s probably why Philippians 4:8-9 says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” To remind us of the importance of keeping those -thoughts- in check.

BUT

What about those other feelings that you have when your body is trying to tell you something else? Like, the gut feeling that you have when you know that it’s time to go or that you shouldn’t be somewhere and yet you stay. Or the resistance you feel when you are spent but you are still trying to push it or yourself to the limit. Or when you’re so stressed that you have wake up in the middle of the night to run off the tension. -But you don’t consider waking up in the middle of the night to run, a problem. Even the little ways, like feeling full but continuing to eat, needing to cry but holding it in are ways that our body speaks to us that we ignore. Heck, are you covered in hives, struggling with ulcers or migraines? Nearly every physical ailment can be linked back to stress or diet. It’s not always the root but are we even listening to our body?

What about dreams? I am not really a dreamer. Once in a blue moon, I have one. Unless I am in a situation that needs attention. When that happens, there are many dreams that reoccur or really stand out. For example, in high school [same season] I had dreams about being in car wrecks, which I believe was because “the path that I was on, was out of [my] control” Later, I had dreams about my teeth falling out, which I believe is because there was something happening that I “couldn’t sink my teeth into”. I know that sounds ridiculous or a little too cliché, except that those calculations really were accurate for the time period and I only had those dreams then. They didn't make sense to me at first but the dreams queued me in and when I resolved the issues, the dreams stopped.

There are definitely times when our lives demand attention and a response from us and our bodies can give a variety of responses to help you tune in. And sometimes a Pastor, a good Christian friend or Counselor can help you navigate the right questions to ask yourself in determining if it’s your thoughts or something else.

But YOUR POWER lies in your ability to decide. Is ‘x’ okay or right for you? What are you going to do about it? YOU can do something about it!

Unfortunately, sometimes we do have to face and persevere through situations that cause those responses. Experiencing loss, lay offs, sickness and significant life changes certainly happen to us with or without our permission. Exercise can help you combat the physical responses that may occur while you’re going through it. Yes, even if it's running in the middle of the night. Also, referring to the items on this list can help you navigate this season.

And Finally, 

I don’t believe that feelings are bad. In fact, many of those feelings can be great indicators that we’ve got a situation that needs to be put in the proper place. It’s how we respond that makes the difference.

I know you’ll also expect me to tell you that prayer and time in the Bible will help. I’m glad to oblige but more so, I want you to know that reading my bible, spending time in prayer, attending church and developing my own faith and personal walk with the Lord has helped me overcome more than any other thing that I could do on my own. So, I am not just telling you to do that. I mean it with my whole heart. Having his spirit within me, is like an internal compass that helps me know when and where it is best for me to navigate. -But then we have to follow that direction.

Don’t be like those guys in the wilderness. Receive his promise and do it today. After all, he gave you TODAY again!

Additional Resources

• Your Pastor
• Genesis Counseling Center is a Christian facility in our area. 
• Freddy Vines (Another Christian Counselor)
• Focus on the Family could also recommend some that might be closer if that’s too far. 1-800-A-FAMILY

Photo Credits: 

Anxiety: http://amysmartgirls.com/heres-what-anxiety-feels-like-when-you-have-no-idea-what-anxiety-is/

Fence: http://favim.com/image/76891/

Stress: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davewillis/quotes-worth-sharing/

Change: http://www.bodyrock.tv/posts/exercise-cured-depression/

Exercise: https://thepositivepear.wordpress.com

Listening: http://mansplained.tumblr.com

And Then Monday

The week before last I read some online articles about suicide that upset me. The articles were mostly about symptoms but then my Pastor shared a sermon on the same subject. It was as if everything was suddenly about suicide, or at least until I got angry about it and then I just sat with the anger. Wrestling. Thinking. Praying. Confused... 

And waiting.

Two family members were heavy on my heart. One of them is my husband. While he is not suicidal, he does suffer from Chronic Illness. He has had peripheral neuropathy in both of his feet for the last 10 years. A certain amount of depression accompanies that. 

He's also had enough circumstances in the last two years that could bring depression anyway, even if the condition didn't do it. And as if that wasn't enough, he has had to take a small "pharmacy" just to dull the symptoms. Those prescriptions add a whole other layer to his battle. 

Not only has he pretty much plateaued on his medication, even though his condition continues to get worse; but being subjected to them for so long, is also taking its toll on his body. To me, his health seems to be declining. Then to top it all off, not one but two his medications are known for increasing suicidal tendencies. 

The first week after I'd read the article, I sat with him on our front porch and told him about the list. I apologized for any flares in my own behavior that came as a result. But then I explained that after reading it, I could not not ask him about it. Of course he soothed my concern and I felt better having mentioned it.

But it was still twisting inside of me.

The next Sunday at church I was moved to tears and my class prayed over me. On the way home, I thought about Jacob wrestling with God and the way that Paul says our flesh and spirit wrestle. I couldn't imagine walking with a limp like Jacob- but even so, I have also learned just how physical our spiritual battles can be.

I thought about how long I might continue this way before God could tell me what it was he wanted me to do. I imagined a man almost at the end of his rope and on his knees begging God to just belt out what it is that he wanted him to do. "Whatever it is God, I will do it!" Then it occurred to me that maybe God also needed me in that exact spot before I would understand myself or before I'd be willing to follow the full instructions. 

I know that sounds strong but when we're going through something, we're always ready to be done with it, aren't we? So, then I just point blank asked him-

What is it God? What is it? 

Of course, I prayed for discernment and courage to face whatever the answer was and the strength to carry it out.

And then Monday, I started reading articles about praying for healing. This article in particular had several points that struck me. 

The first was the reference to false humility. In how we don't want to pray over others because we don't want to "act like God" and yet one of our basic Christian duties is to pray. -Not only with another but over them. 

There were many other powerful insights and then I read some other articles. I am not sure how or where I saw it but at some point I became convicted of whose faith I was believing in- the faith of the person that was being prayed over or the faith of the person praying. After all, didn't I come into my faith because he answered? ...Over and over again.

By the bottom of the article, I simply felt like God was telling my heart that I can clearly see evidence of what is happening to my husband's health. Now I also have a list in hand of some even more terrible magnitudes that this could go to. Knowing how powerful prayer can be- [Not only witnessing what it can do but experiencing God within it.] How could I have both of those options before me and still choose not to pray over him. 

I mean I have prayed on my own and with him about many things but never so specifically for salvation or healing or anything directly pertaining to him, over him. And I think to myself, who am I as his wife and his helper and his friend to withhold something like that from him? 

It was a lot to chew on.

Later at work, I started trying to consider when I might pray or how I would pray. I was reminded of scripture after scripture; Where two or more gather, If you ask and you believe, Say to this blood live, Say to these bones live, Ask and you shall receive, I will restore your health, I am the vine, you are the branches, Greater is he that is in me... My voice began to rise, my eyes were filling and a great surge came.

I finally hit my knees and prayed specifically right then for his healing, both physically and spiritually and in every other fashion. I prayed for our direction, faith, marriage and probably a dozen other things that I couldn't recall now if I tried; Repeating every scripture on my heart. Everything came out with a fury. 

Then just like that-

Peace

It came in the wave as it settled back out to sea, taking all of the anger with it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. –John 14:27

Ask and ye shall receive - Matthew 7:7

***

And if you were curious, I waited for timing and by the following Sunday, I did pray over Colin. I know that God is working.

Picture credit: Low tide on a Constantine wall.

Seeing God's Hand | Log

8/17/14 - I can't seem to find the words to say it eloquently but a lot of things have been on my mind lately around the subject of suicide. We've recently had our family affected by two different losses. A co-worker also lost a member of her family and then of course the recent loss of Robin Williams. It drives me crazy hearing people talk about how selfish it is. While in so many ways that it may be so, there is an agony or torment on the other side that most would never be able to understand. That doesn't make it okay but it is the truth.

When I was in high school, I struggled with my own thoughts about suicide. Contrary to what most people think, I didn't want to die. I actually wanted to live. Just not in the circumstances that I was in and I was unable to change any of them. You don't want to talk to your friends because you want to be strong and to cope and well, you don't want to bring anyone else down... When I started day dreaming about how I might take my own life, I sought help. While I can't remember quite how everything played out then, ultimately it was only Jesus Christ that saved me from that area of my life and then from so many other places.

Either way, this morning, I sat looking at the computer screen, reading about Robin Williams. Two other people were heavy on my heart. When I started researching symptoms, I was alarmed at how many symptoms they both shared. A medication that they were both on was also noted for causing some of them.

Sadly at least one of them was on more than one medication that had been linked to suicide. It's hard enough trying to fathom being suicidal in the first place. Then having a medication, help drive the car just...  It made my heart twist to think about it.

Later in the morning, I sat in church service, and listened to the preacher talk also about suicide and loneliness. It dug up an assortment of things in me and while I tried not to be angry, I just couldn't seem to hold it in. I'm not even sure what I was angry about but the whole day just seemed to rub me wrong. I regressed in some areas that I feel I've grown in. The harder I tried, the worse I seemed to respond... That's really the only summary that I have for this day.

8/18/14 - My unrest above ended up continuing on for the remainder of the week.  I thought about my own experiences with depression and other issues. It reconfirmed that my desire to try to help, if at all possible with my own experiences.

8/19/14 - Praying to be someone worth following when most of you doesn't want to be followed. It produces some Jeckyll/Hyde affect in me. I think about motherhood and how I never really wanted children. I grew up saying I get married and have kids. If I had kids, I'd have a lot. When it came down to being married though, I suddenly realized that I was perfectly okay with never having them. I'd adopt puppies and learn about various hobbies and do whatever I pleased.

When I got pregnant I became terrified that I might not like the baby when it was born or what if I totally stunk at motherhood?? When the second child came a long, I was afraid that I'd never be able to love it as much as the first. By baby number three, I had the same fears but I knew better. We'd all make mistakes but we'd all be okay and we'd all love each other as we should.

I think about how much parenting has made me go beyond myself. Not in ways that I give because sometimes I just don't give enough. -But in how much it's made me grow beyond what I thought I could be or wanted to be, etc.  How much my children make me want to be a better example. -Someone worth following. Someone they are proud of. Not because I am "awesome" but because they learned something that served them well, from me.

And here I am again with my job, I struggle with that same conflict. Man, I struggled years ago when it was offered. I feel so whiny as I begin this transition. I have such an incredible opportunity and yet I find myself having to think so differently and my flesh just seems to fight me.  I think about the chapter of Romans 7 verses 7-25. When it talks about the old nature and new nature, the spirit and the law. How they all wrestle inside. My commentary on 7:1 says that "The sinner is condemned by the law. The law keeper cannot live up to it and the person with the new nature finds his or her obedience to the law sabotaged by the effects of the old nature." I feel relief for my behavior on Sunday, today, everyday... The battle with in...

I am thankful to work with such an incredible group of people. I am thankful to be entrusted to have such an opportunity. Like becoming a new mother, I am thankful for the things that I will learn from this new path. I am thankful for another opportunity that can/will grow me so profoundly. I pray the same prayer that I started with... to help me be someone worth following. To have the concrete broken around my feet when I cannot move. Let me always be reminded of the victory that comes on the other side when I listen to my heart when God speaks and when I keep turned toward the love of others. It saves me every time...

8/20/14 - I ran out of coffee at the house. I dug through a bowl of change to get money for a treasured latte. (I lost my debit card and I never carry cash.) As I sat in the drive through I remembered that my sitter loves Starbucks. I asked God to let me find five more dollars if he wanted to bless her too. I slipped my hand in my purse and the very first thing my hand landed on in that boat of a purse was a five dollar bill. And let me remind you that I am so certain that I didn't have cash in there that I was digging through the change bowl...

8/21/14 - I met a retired nun today and we traded numbers and the curiosity of what she could tell me was almost too much. I love that when I meet people, sometimes I feel (as ridiculous as this sounds) like our souls click or have some other conversation that the rest of our physical bodies aren't privy to. I can't explain it and I could almost miss it if I didn't stop to it happen but... it happened today and even if she and I don't develop a friendship, I am thankful that we met.

Another post (unrelated to the above) called "not of this earth" may come soon.If only I have time to write it.

8/22/14 - Redeemed

8/23/14 - I spoke to one of the people that had been on my heart since Sunday. I didn't really ask any questions. When I had a small window, I explained the article, how it affects me and what I saw that connected all of that with this person. I found some comfort in this conversation and of course relief having at least expressed my heart.

***

I hate that I posted this late. Most of it was drafted by Saturday. I really wanted to rework the whole thing. -Whatever started on Sunday, continued on throughout the rest of the week though. I found myself flooded with words and no time to write them and burdened with a heaviness that I didn't understand. A lot of people told me I seemed off but I could've told them that too. I know the answer will come in time.... I just will just have to pray my way through it and hope for discernment. I think of that song "Lord move or move me..." That about sums up this week.

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