Hello, ‘Other Side Of The Hill’ Here I Come!!!

This past Friday was my fortieth birthday. I am not exactly sure what possessed me to start looking up things about the number 40 or when it started. But it’s definitely been on my mind for quite a long time now. While life is busy and I haven’t been able to get as deep as I would like, the part that I have gleaned about that number has made this birthday mean more than I could’ve expected. Whether or not there is a hill ‘to go over,’ it is a cornerstone. -Perhaps a ‘coming of age’ that I hope all of us are blessed enough to find. Let me share:

You may not know that in the bible the number 40 represents periods of trial and testing. You see this when:

-        Jonah told Ninevites that destruction was coming in 40 days – Jonah 3:4

-        Jesus ‘went away’ to the desert for 40 days to fast and pray and while there he was tested by the devil – Matthew 4:1-11

-        God destroyed the Earth with a flood; it rained for 40 days and 40 nights – Genesis 7:12

-        In Deuteronomy 25:3 a judge deemed that the maximum number of lashes that a person could receive for punishment was 40 stripes. Some believe that’s how many Jesus received, but there’s are disputes about whether or not ‘lashes’ are the same as scourging (which Jesus received). Plus, there isn’t a number of lashes mentioned in the bible for Jesus. It’s is also believed that many Jews followed a rule of 39. They would give 40 lashes ‘minus 1’ because it was believed that 40 would kill a person and it was essentially a death sentence. In 2 Corinthians 11:24 Paul said that he received that exact punishment ’40-1’ on FIVE different occasions by the Jews.

-       You’ll also see that it was 40 years that Moses and the Israelites spent in the wilderness - Deuteronomy 8:2-5

There are many more examples of this in the Bible, and you can google them, but you get the idea. That last one is probably the one that gets me the most because it sounds so much like trials of life; dry spells, loneliness, and hardship. The way that we complain or simply get discouraged because we can’t SEE or don’t understand what is happening.

Don’t get me wrong the Israelites endured much and not just desert conditions. But through it all there was a God that was IN THEIR MIDST, leading them, day and night. –He produced miracle after miracle on their way through. While the whole goal was in getting them to the promise land, the purpose was to get them to DEPEND ON HIM to get there but also to be their DAILY provider.

This season was also a place where, as a leader, Moses character was tested and developed. Not just in his own dependence and trust, but in the way that he ‘reacted’ to the people. He was ‘the speaker’ even though he had little faith that God could use him, and many believe that he had a stutter (because of the NLT translation of Exodus 4:10). Either way, he resisted the call over and over with the same excuses you and I use. (I am not good enough Ex 3:11, I don’t have all of the answers Ex 3:13, People won’t believe me Ex 4:1, I am a terrible speaker Ex 4:10, I am not qualified Ex 4:13).

My Bible commentary says “Personal greatness doesn’t make anyone immune to error or its consequences.” And throughout the entire life of Moses or the story of the Israelites, “God did not change WHO or WHAT Moses was; he did not give Moses new abilities and strengths. Instead, he took Moses characteristics and molded them until they were suited to his purposes.’

It took a huge chunk ‘of a lifetime’ for God to get Moses to ‘let him use’ what he created in the first place and for its intended purposes.”

Sadly, part of what kept them in the wilderness was their disbelief. God told them to take possession of the land (Ex 3:8), yet they became convinced they could not, even though God told them they could do it. It was their lack of belief in what God said (even the good stuff he promised) that brought along his wrath. This led to 40 years of wandering the desert until an entire generation died off.

What kills me here is that you know they wanted the promise land. You know they wanted the miracles and a LOVING, PERSONAL, God that was WITH them. I mean, all of us need someone who has an aerial shot of the ‘big picture,’ and we want someone to guide us. How could they not want that too? But their stubbornness is so much like our own.  –Especially in the first half of our lives trying to do things ‘our way.’ Trying to create a certain type of life or trying to be polar opposite of something else that we’ve seen. We’re so ‘focused’ on the goal that sometimes, we’re not even paying attention to the details. Is this goal, the right goal for me?

(Not just what you think sounds good. And not just what you’ve been repeating for all these years. But in the quiet, soft place, if you acknowledge a daydream, what are those details that you dare tell no one because it sounds too corny, it doesn’t have an ‘earth shattering purpose’, or it feels unrealistic?  --That IS a goal or could be, FYI. And our disappointments in life might really be because we’re not lined up here.)

But if God could grant us any promise that we desire, in our future, what does that land look like? Are we in line to get there?  Where are we at in that? Are we in our bodies enough to see how that lines up with our heart and the world around us or are we fixated on why we can’t take a short cut to that place we’ve been busy trying to get to?

…over the hump or hill…

People make ‘40’ sound like a bad thing with ‘over the hill’ like it’s only depressing or rough on the other side. I guess I see how people think that, but it just doesn’t resonate with me. I mean, yes, I once ran off the side of a fort wall on the Yorktown battlefields when I was paying more attention to the wind keeping my kite up, instead of where the ground ran out. Going down the hill hurt. FOR SURE! The entire sides of those ‘fort walls’ seem to be covered in stumps of thorn bushes! I don’t know if that’s a fluke or if it was intentional to keep the enemy out and now the park rangers cut them down so tourists can climb them. But, when I fell, I bounced and bumped onto every stump, the whole way down. I even had thorns INSIDE my bra.

And some of my more recent and ‘metaphorical’ stumbles or physical displays of ‘falling down’ have been even uglier. They’ve hurt worse, hurt others, and have even landed me flat on my face. And ‘soul hurt’ is a whole other kind of hurt that isn’t as easy to recover from. But isn’t that just what the Israelites also had to endure. —Being humbled. 

You’ll often hear that the ‘bad things’ that happen in life aren’t always because of our inadequacies (as if we could control everything). But also, they aren’t necessarily a reflection of our worthiness or even a reflection of the effort that we put into something. It’s not always due to sin or some bad karma or juju that came to pay you back. I am not even convinced that it’s because we’ve taken something for granted. In looking at the ‘big picture’ through the story of the wilderness, I think I’ve decided that for the first time ever, I don’t have to know why. Maybe the ‘bad things’ are simply a result of something greater that God wants US to see, and to produce in us, and somewhere else that he wants us to be. A place flowing with milk and honey. (Which is how God described the promise land. Ex 3:17)

It’s not that he doesn’t want you to have things now, or be happy, or that he wants to intentionally hurt any of us. True yes, life is more than getting everything we want, ‘being all fat and happy’. It’s about giving too. And scripture says it is better to GIVE than to receive! But somehow a large part of us all too often live as if we weren’t meant to receive at all and therefore we don’t fully embrace it, put ourselves out there, or allow ourselves to be seen. (And I could write a whole other tangent/post here but just think about that for a minute. ALL of our senses work best when we are ‘taking in’ –seeing, smelling, tasting, touching, hearing—not giving out but taking IN! How much more could that apply to a spiritual level??? Don’t tell me God made us to ‘not get’ anything out of life!)

And yet, we deny ALL kinds of things. Some, for really noble, ‘God glorifying’ reasons. (So, I don’t mean that condemning.)

God takes us the long way to teach us this human tendency, and to show you who he is and why you need him.

Deuteronomy 29:5-6 says it best “For forty years I, the Lord, led you through the desert, but your clothes and your sandals didn’t wear out, and I gave you special food. I did these things so that you would realize that I am your God.” But the Lord must give you a change of heart before you truly understand what you have seen and heard.

It does you no good to be in a land with ‘milk and honey’ if you’re going to complain about it, or if you aren’t prepared to receive it, or embrace it, and allow yourself to take it in for the incredible gift that it is.

Sometimes you and I (WE) need to see how much more we desire than what we say, think, feel, or act as we do. –And those trials in life have a way of bringing that out a little deeper in us.

But also, in the first verse that I shared Deuteronomy 8:2-5 he more specifically says that he does this to show you that you need more than food and clothes. He takes us through the wilderness to learn that we need, not just one or two, but EVERY WORD of God to truly LIVE –and to be ALIVE- and not just ‘get through’ life. Ahem, ‘Alive in Christ!’

I tell you this. Faith is a deeply personal thing. Everything that we do hinges on how much faith you have and what you believe. And sitting in a church listening to a sermon doesn’t take near as much faith as stripping apart lines in a bible and, praying them, or trying to live by them, and apply them to your core. But I am certain that the things that have given me strength in life and even a healthier view, have been less about physical needs and more about ‘spiritual bread’ that I’ve indigested.

But you know what else? Do you know why that ‘over the hill’ reference doesn’t resonate with me? It’s because I’ve also had a lot of great times going down the hill. In fact, the very best ones were when I laid down on my belly, rolled with it, and embraced them for what they were. If God wants me to be me, and if God promises he can use it, (no matter how much I screw it up), and if he’s gonna lead me to a promise land, who am I to argue?

Trust me. I see a lot of myself in Moses, and I think that I’ve subconsciously spent a lifetime arguing and resisting, even while I was trying to serve him with all of my heart. It has been SO.MUCH.HARDER in the long run. I’m kind of tired of the punishment I’ve brought on.

I do not mean that I am getting ready to be a perfect display of Christ – I couldn’t do it if I tried. The last I checked, I am as human as it gets.

But I AM READY to plunge forward, and let God show me how to fall—completely— forward-- into my path, and ALL that he promises. ❤ 

This might be a little corny but the last I checked, there’s a song that says he fits the whole world in the palm of his hands. I pray that you’re able to leap with me and for once trust that he can catch you too. In fact, I encourage you to print this out and read it (or look at it) every day for 40 days – asking God how and where you can apply it. Then read through the chapters that cover this story in the wilderness.

If you’ve been following me on Facebook, you’ve seen that I’ve recited poetry terribly when I am nervous and shared paintings that look nothing like the tutorial that I follow. –I share many other things that don’t turn out right.

But for me, that’s kind of my ‘Moses Moment’ Who am I, God, to do XYZ’?

But not only does sharing those examples help me get comfortable just being me but in a world of social media where everything ‘looks perfect’ I prefer to be real. I mean there’s a lot of good in my world, but I hear so many women compare themselves or discredit themselves. I think it’s partially because it’s easier for us only to display things that we deem perfect. I can’t keep up with that pace anymore, and I think we all miss out on a lot by not being willing to practice the raw.

My deepest hope is that if I can be bold enough to step out, then it might give you a little bit of faith that you can step out and do things terribly too on the off chance that now and then we’ll get it right – just like he says!  --And I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. Happy ‘Birth’ day – to all of us!

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You may also like these related posts that I have found.

Desert Lessons – 7 things that we can learn from the Israelites wandering years

Moses Five Excuses

Oh and this link because everything is better with a little Van Morrison in it and this song just so happens to be perfect!  When will I ever learn to live in God

And just when I thought I couldn’t love that song more, I discover that Bill Murray covered it.  A comedian/actor, off-key, full of strings, and from the belly of his soul, and you know what. He meant it. And it was beautiful! I might have cried a little. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs_ehhWDMaA

A Word Picture for Being Still

I used to wonder what exactly being still meant. –Like how many relaxing things that I did qualified or met the ‘being still’ requirements. If I laid on the couch all weekend with a good book, movie, or marathon series, was that enough ‘stillness’. If I spent an hour studying my bible and taking notes, wasn’t that time alone with God, the kind of stillness that he desired. –You know, one where we could hear his voice…

You might laugh about this because being still can only imply one thing and yet those of us who hate being still, try to come up with ways to stretch the meaning to accommodate our addictions, desires, and to do lists.

The definition of ‘stillness’ is exactly as it sounds though: ‘The absence of movement or sound.’

But there is a voice that can strike in our heads telling us that there is too much to do and that others are depending on us, as it rattles off a list of all of the things you could be accomplishing in this wasted time.

Even though that definition is simple, it was a struggle for me. Until a few years ago when I was going through a big transition. I don’t remember the exact catalyst but I ended up buying a lawn chair to keep in the van. Then I started trying to stop 3 days a week on the way home to sit outside where ever I could squeeze it in. Even though it was only about 15 minutes. (And no the gist of this post isn’t about a lawn chair. Hang in there.)

Now I did start this time by reading a quick devotion and occasionally saying a prayer or snapping a picture. But then I started the timer. Little did I know ‘how onto something’ I was. I could literally feel the shifting in my life and within.

Since 2015 I have toyed with this time, occasionally even trying out ‘meditation’ with my eyes closed just like you see in pictures, or parked in my van with my head leaned back. 

It wasn’t until I started recovery that I began to ‘get it’.

We all know the benefits of rest. You’ve likely heard statistics about stillness or mindfulness, and I will let you look that up on your own, but for those of you who need a picture to see what stillness looks like, check this out.

I’ve been making a lot of things from scratch lately. One of which is salad dressing/marinade. Mostly because I am trying to be a little healthier but I also want to utilize what I already have on hand instead of buying everything new and already prepared.

When you start making real dressings with olive oil, vinegar, and your own seasonings you have to stir or shake them well before each use because after sitting for a while, what’s inside separates.

The oil or fat rises to the top so it could be removed if needed. While the actual ingredients fall to the bottom, and the vinegar rests in the middle.

We are much the same way. When we are still (without movement or sound), our subconscious and conscious parts of our bodies get to see, and sit with, each other. The things that weigh us down, can rise to the top so that we can sort them, while other things settle on their own. Like the vinegar, it’s in the stillness, that things inside, get cleared up.

While there is nothing wrong with enjoying a good book or marathon series; and there are indeed benefits of rest alone that you can get during this time. Your mind [our minds] need a space to be clear without the chronic ‘stirring up’ that we like to apply. So, that the information that we pour in all day and night, can sort itself.

Somehow it’s in the setting aside for a time that truly allows the ‘spices’ [of our spirit, feelings, interests] to infuse the rest of the body- the essence of who we are becomes bolder, richer, more flavorful.

Yet at the same time, things on the outside seem to respond to our letting go of the power to control it, and they are free to handle themselves. Kind of like Psalms 46:10 implies in ‘Be still and know that I am God.’

I can’t tell you how many times over the last three years, I have been surprised to see that the things that I let go of, really didn’t need me in the solution. Even my creativity is better when I stop thinking about what I can create.

But unlike the dressing, life won’t always have this kind of stillness ‘prepared’ for you. It’s something that you’ll have to make (time for) on your own. It may even take you quite a few tries before you find that you like it. But its health benefits may far outweigh other variations that you’ve tried. Even your smallest efforts have a tremendous impact.

As for me, I’m ready to learn more about meditation, so if you have any useful links, tips, or local classes that have helped you, holla.

I hope you have enjoyed this visual and that it sticks with you in this ‘oh so busy’ life. May you find time to cultivate and reap from your own stillness. For now, peace be with you.

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Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me. –Psalm 131:2

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Teach me, and I will be silent. Make me understand how I have gone astray. -Job 6:24

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The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. –Exodus 14:14

A Hand With Recovery

Bruce Lee is quoted as saying that ‘those who are unaware they are walking in darkness will never seek the light’.

It’s easy to think darkness is all about sin, or crime, or things that other people do to offend our own value system. But what about plain ole’ ‘stressful’ places in our lives, or in our own heart?

If you’ve never experienced peace or felt what it’s like to be healthy, or if you have never seen the fullness of real light, it would be hard to recognize that you’re not even in it. The condition of your life, or thoughts, or soul, may be the only condition that you’ve known. So, even when we’re ‘feeling better’ we may not see that something is still out of line.

Now I’ve been sharing a lot of testimonies about recovery and counseling lately because it’s made such a HUGE impact on me.

But did you know that scripture even says that ‘where there is no guidance the people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is victory.’ - Proverbs 11:14

Proverbs 15:22 pretty much repeats that verse but various translations say that ‘plans fail’ and that we are even frustrated by a lack of counsel. It is with many advisers that we succeed.

Did you catch that— more than one counselor or confidant?

So not only should you talk to a counselor; you should actually talk to a few people that you respect and trust, and who are in a position to help you.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to consult everyone that we see. But we should be selective and consider people in various positions to get their advice.

If you have an idea about what your issue is, get a book on the subject. Then talk to a counselor or coach who specializes in this sort of thing. Also, talk to a mentor or boss if you’re comfortable. Talk to your pastor, a recovery group, your spouse and/or best friend.

All of these people are human, like you and I. None of them will have all of the answers. Sometimes they will even give bad advice. But, collecting more than one answer or perspective will give you more ingredients so that you can omit and/or blend it all into your own perfect solution.

But it’s not always their advice that you need. Sometimes you need their questions. The things that they make you think about or ask that you wouldn’t have otherwise. 

In fact, it was in one of these conversations that someone picked up on something I said in passing… I was blind to my own ‘plank’ so to speak. My counselor said ‘whoa, repeat what you just said…. Let’s talk about that…’

That conversation was the exact one that I needed to have and it was not the reason that I was going to a counselor in the first place. I thought this area of my life was pretty taken care of.

But make no mistake, no matter how glorious I make this experience sound, recovery can start violently, painfully, and very unattractively. You have to be willing to hear opinions you disagree with and maybe even experience judgment from others. You’re right to want to resist it.

We all have different issues and we each will handle them in completely different ways. Recovery isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ kind of drill. You may have to be fiercely protective of what you’re trying to accomplish.

As for me, this past year has forced me to make a lot of hard decisions. Decisions that broke my own heart and hurt others. Decisions that brought me peace (which I am not really sure that I have ever had before). Decisions that challenged what I believed. As a result, I believe that I had a spiritual awakening.  It brought with it a level of crazy that I didn’t know that I had in me. I also cried from a place that I didn’t know could run that deep.

But another thing surprised me.

In the early weeks of my Celebrate Recovery class, we had to write a letter to ourselves with the things that we hope to accomplish over the next few months. At the end of our class (approximately 9 months later), our letters are mailed to each of us.

I was pretty sure that I remembered what my letter said and for the most part, I did. Except at the very end of it, I wrote: “I am very excited about knowing and becoming friends with me.”

On this side of all of my therapy and at 39 years old, I can finally say that I am. No matter how many things I don’t know, or how messy things are around me, or how much I realize that I don’t have it together and can make some pretty big messes on my own… something has happened and I finally like the girl on this side of the screen.

-The girl that I want to be, and the girl that I know I have been, are now friends.

I could visibly see differences in my classmates (that were doing the work) as well.

But life is sort of funny, ya know.

I don’t really know what happened in 2016 but that’s when I first learned my counselor’s name. A friend had just completed some time with him and spoke of how impactful that time was. But I had just finished a round of counseling myself with a different lady regarding a transition in my job, so I didn’t feel like I needed to start a new relationship or another round just then.

That’s also the first time that a Celebrate Recovery class crossed my path. I knew that I needed to take it but wasn’t sure why. Yet at the exact same time, I opted to lead another 31-week class instead.

(And it’s not really related to this post but on a side note, it’s also the year that I started writing text for greeting cards. I just stored random comments in an excel file until I figured out what was going to happen with it if anything.)

And yet all of these things came to fruition at the same time, two years later.

I know that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and that things happened exactly as they should have, and when they should have. But knowing what I know now, I wish that I had started this journey back then.

At the beginning of this post, I asked ‘why seek it?’ in reference to counseling.

Aside from becoming friends with myself, and learning roots to issues, I can tell you that I have struggled for a while with my memory, depression, insomnia, anger, frustration, anxiety etc… I can see a significant improvement in each of these areas. I also see differences in my relationships with others as well.  But aside from those physical and tangible differences, Proverbs 12:15 also says:

 ‘The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.’  

I don’t like to call anyone a fool. I believe that we’re all doing the best that we can. But sometimes our best intentions can make us struggle more than necessary. (Like fighting so hard to do something on our own.) Which does seem a little foolish in hindsight. Especially if we know that there is a better or easier way.

I can’t repeat enough the value of what this process has been for me…

This week is the last week that you can sign up for the recovery classes that just started. For those of you who have been considering it, I urge you to start it now. I will pray buckets of blessings over you on your way.

And you might even make a new friend along the way...

Celebrate Recovery Step Study

Taking place at Northside Church

Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm

Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm

1300 George Washington Memorial Highway,

Yorktown, VA 23693

757.595.5890

http://www.crnorthsidecc.org/step-study.html

If you’d like to attend but do not live near me, use this link to find a class near you.

Insight Neurofeedback and Counseling

Terry Troyer

354 McLaws Circle, Suite 3
Williamsburg, VA 23185

757-345-5802

https://www.insightnf.com/

It’s not hard to change. It’s only hard to change if you don’t truly and totally want the change just yet. –Bentinho Massaro

It’s all in what you believe…. Check your filter.

I have been sharing several of my Celebrate Recovery testimonies lately. But before I started this 12-Step program, I went to see a counselor. Now, I have been to counselors before for various reasons. Some of them with great success. Some of them were mediocre experiences, maybe even pointless. This time, it changed my life! I’ll share his contact info at the end of this post for anyone who is interested but first I want to tell you about my experience.

The Experience

Have you ever heard the song Turn, Turn, Turn by the Byrds? The lyrics to the song are actually a good chunk of Ecclesiastes 3.  The verses tell us that there is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Other work that I could have been doing on my own could have led me to this exact junction- where it was the right time for me to finally ‘get it’. Or perhaps this guy had superpowers. I believe that it was a little of both.

Terry, my counselor, happens to be an Anglican priest. (Now don’t check out because there is a religious affiliation or because his affiliation is different than yours.) He will discuss this with you at the very beginning of the session. You can choose how much or how little of this you want in your therapy. I, of course, wanted the whole shebang.

During the sessions, he uses a whiteboard to draw out a table. Then he explains how you and I don’t do anything unless we ‘feel’ like it. Your action is tied to an emotion. That emotion is first tied to a thought. Our thoughts are so ‘fast and furious’ that they happen in NANO seconds. So we don’t even realize that we’re thinking them. The next thing we know we’re down some bunny trail in our head… and getting worked up.

He’ll give you a formula to help you catch yourself. (And it will take a while for you to get in a good practice of using it. I certainly haven’t mastered it.)

THEN he starts working with your beliefs.

Everything that you and I think is first tied to our belief system. For a lot of us (probably all of us), we’re built on a ‘limiting’ belief system. The fear of failure, rejection, punishment, and shame. Then he talks you through the opposite of those beliefs in order of their contrasting partner: justification, reconciliation, propitiation, and redemption.

All of this is in the table too and in each session, you’ll pick back up right where you left off in the last session. He takes good notes and redraws the table every time. (You should take a notebook in case you want to take notes too.)

Now you’re probably like, how the heck is that going to help me? But LET ME TELL YOU…. He will blow your mind. Especially if you come in with some examples of ‘crap gone wrong’ in your day-to-day. He will show you how that’s tied to your faulty belief system.

I can’t remember every example that we worked through. There were big ones. There were little ones. But it got to a point where I couldn’t wait to tell him about some issue that I was having so he could show me what the heck was off in the scenario. And I’m kind of a mess so there is always good content to use. Haha.

Anyway, EVERY single time, it was fear of failure and I never saw it in the ‘heat of the moment’. In fact, one of the few scenarios that I do remember from our sessions involved my daughter, a hockey cleat, and a fit between both of us.

The Scenario/Example

Every time we left hockey practice, I would make Sophie put all of her gear back in her bag. I was kind of crazy about making her put it away before we ever left the field because if she carries it to the car, and drops or forgets something, I won’t notice. My mind will have moved on to the next ‘to do’ before ever leaving the field. So, for my sanity. I need to know that it’s where it’s supposed to be because she’s still trying to get a handle on keeping track of stuff too.

Anyway, so all items SHOULD have been in the bag before the next game day. I watched her put them in there. Then game day comes along. I tell her, Hey Soph, we have to leave in an hour. Please go into your room and get dressed. Double check your bag to make sure it’s all in there. (This sounds neurotic and sometimes it is. But sometimes they also pull everything out and lose it, during play, just for funsies, or to test my sanity. I dunno.)

Sophie disappears for a while. Then returns. She assures me that she has it all together. She’s wearing the uniform. It’s a positive sign. She runs out the door to play with her friends. 30 minutes later she comes in and I notice that she’s not wearing cleats. She assures me that she has them but she doesn’t want to wear them because they are playing on the trampoline. I’m hesitant to accept this but she’s already out the door again before I decide.

Five minutes before walking out the door. I tell Sophie to send her friends home and to go put her cleats on. After the friends leave, she disappears down the hallway to her room. Then hysterically comes back ‘I can’t find one of my cleats! I SWEAR I just had it, momma.’

(See what I mean…?)

Now, I’m still growing in my patience area. I try not to be a control freak and a helicopter mother but dang it I have no idea how to balance this ‘let you do it, but also make sure that it gets done…’ They’re kind of a contradiction. Haha

I’m irritated now. I kind of want her to know it. She did have opportunities to get it together.

We’re just going to gloss over how many opportunities God gives me to do the same.

She completely shuts down in the hallway, crying like the world is ending. Meanwhile, I am swiftly overturning the universe in her room looking for a NEON YELLOW cleat that should be on the surface somewhere if we really ‘just had it’. –And I hate being late.

I find the cleat.

Would you like to know where it was???? I know you do…

It was under her bed.

But not just under her bed. It was all the way back, by a wall, behind a village of trolls and protected by the frontline of clothes and stuffed animals or something. I mean really, I have no idea how the heck it got there. The trolls weren’t there so I couldn’t ask them. I have no idea why they would take her cleat and put it there in the first place. It wasn’t a very nice thing to do. Especially before a game…

But we’re both in an emotional tizzy now because I cannot figure out how to get my kids (or life) together without being responsible for it all…

Next session- I CAN’T WAIT to tell Terry about the scenario. “–What the heck just happened here??? This happens all of the time. Can you please help me???”

He smirks a little and says ‘Sure. That’s fear of failure.’

I’m confused: ‘Wait- ‘What? For me or for her?’

Terry: ‘You.’

Me: How’s that failure for me over her cleat. I could care less about cleats. That was on her. It was hers and she couldn’t find it? Just stating the obvious.

He goes onto say that he would have taken her barefoot to the game. And before I can say it, he adds [paraphrased of course] that we know she wouldn’t be able to play. She’d have to sit on the sidelines. This, of course, would ‘let the team down’ and since I am her mother, I should have her ‘more together’. So her ‘not being ready’, is a reflection of my not doing what I think I ought to be doing right… ahem, failure on my part.

**poof** mind blown.

Then he says that if I let her go without the cleat. We would have been on time. AND she’d either be so embarrassed about not having her cleat, or disappointed about not getting to play, (or both) that she’d be sure to have it next time, or she’d get the hang of it pretty soon.

I am speechless, while slightly relieved AND annoyed.

This happens over and over again in my sessions. (You can trust that we talked about more than hockey.)

Each time, he draws on the board. We track it back to one of those ‘nanosecond thoughts’ that was connected to a belief. –And because that thought, led to a feeling, I reacted…’ grrrr.

But I also learned that some things that I thought were failures on my part, were actually just natural consequences or results of other things that may not have been my responsibility or sole responsibility in the first place.

RELIEF like I have never felt before washes over me.

Then another wave of anger about how much I torture myself over things that may not even be my fault.

Heck, he even told me that I knew more scripture than a lot of the people that he counseled and that we could go deeper than some other sessions but that I didn’t ‘use it right’. **Slap in the face** It turns out that even though I am a pretty spiritual person, I am also a rule follower which makes me a little legalistic in a few areas. Even though, I try so hard not to be…

Now, switching gears for a minute

I shared a post recently about how our beliefs can become masks. And boy are they! They are also like filters. Our belief system colors everything that we see, hear, think, feel and touch.

Everything gets processed through that filter. –The mask of how we see the situation.

Just to be more specific, it filters the way that we interpret conversations and dialogue in relationships like feedback. It filters how we decide what someone means with their actions or intentions. It even translates what we take in and interpret from sermons, scripture, and the internal voices that we listen too.

Our masks/filters can have a lot of blind spots/blockages too.

As a friend recently said, you can’t get away from yourself, and it’s true. Your belief system is with you everywhere you go. So, if your belief system has a problem or glitch in it; then when you’re trying to come up with a solution to something, your original problem [belief system] is going to be in it. It can throw the whole calculation off.  -That kind of ‘equating’ will be in everything that you do, everywhere you go. (Not just hockey cleats.)

Shift again

Now I’ve only been chewing on this next ‘aha’ for about a week. So, hopefully, God can put the same punch behind it when you get to it.

If a faulty belief system can make you doubt yourself, God, or God in you. Then when we face situations, we can allow those events to mold or define us. Then we’re giving other events and people more power to influence our life, instead of us learning from and becoming the influencers ourselves. -You know, using what we’re born with [and honing in on] our heart, our instincts, intuition, and faith.

[The punch is coming, tune in]

This is especially important to note when it comes to a negative event. If we let a negative event define us (or cause us to shrink back); is it possible that we’re shaping ourselves to fit perfectly (or even better) with more of those kinds of events?

Could it be that our vessel becomes an easier device for capturing those kinds of things…Gah!

-          

Um, God didn’t make us for THAT!

-           

Then Romans 12:2 hit me. ‘Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’

I think it’s fair to say that most of us take ‘conforming to the world’ to mean ‘do not be like the ungodly and/or to let our fleshly desires run our lives’.

But from another angle wouldn’t backing down because we’re afraid of what people think, or because we don’t want to hurt feelings, also be conforming to the world?

Wouldn’t letting insecurity (I can’t do) or even our pride (I deserve this) be letting the ego run our course? And wouldn’t that also be like conforming to the flesh in another way, instead of leading with the divine light within?

The other part of that verse says to renew your mind. Since our beliefs and thoughts happen in nanoseconds, we need to be on point about renewing it as well. So this is not just a daily thing but it could be a minute by minute thing. –And your emotions could be a spectacular queue that you haven’t checked yourself in a little while. –Ahem, or checked that filter and cleaned the goop out. At the end of this post, I will include some things that have really helped me renew my mind in the last few months. They’re pretty stinking amazing when I remember to put them into practice.

For now, let’s wrap this up.

I don’t know what, if any, part of this resonates with you but we all have some sort of issue that we’re working on. We all have something off in our belief system too. (I know that I still do even with this new revelation.) This post isn’t just about personal limiting beliefs. Sure, you may already have a set of beliefs about how much you can handle or what you think the solution is. But it’s also about our limiting beliefs regarding others. You may have beliefs about who God is or is not, or how you expect him to handle things. You probably also have beliefs about what counseling can or can’t do.

It’s also true that Counseling, a 12-step program, or even a savior won’t fix all of your problems in one fair sweep. In fact, many of our issues get a little messier, at least at first. –Because we start unpacking things and have to get a little dirty. But it has to start somewhere….

Maybe like the Byrd song, your time is now.

And getting to the bottom of something…. Despite the help or mess that it took to get there, isn’t that a reason to celebrate?

I’m celebrating with you. You can do it! Here’s information about my counselor and also about a Celebrate Recovery Step Study Program that you can still join for a limited time.

Insight Neurofeedback and Counseling

Terry Troyer

354 McLaws Circle, Suite 3
Williamsburg, VA 23185

757-345-5802

https://www.insightnf.com/

Celebrate Recovery Step Study

Taking place at Northside Church

Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm

Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm

1300 George Washington Memorial Highway,

Yorktown, VA 23693

757.595.5890

http://www.crnorthsidecc.org/step-study.html

As for those ways to renew your mind, print out the following questions or take a picture/screen shot of them in your phone. The next time you’re in the heat of a moment, run through the list. (I am trying to do the same. Remember, it’s a practice.)

1. Ask yourself if it’s true? Do you know for certain that the thing you’re ruminating over is true? A lot of times we make assumptions, even judgments, about the situation, about others, and about ourselves. If it’s not a fact, then it may not be true at all. There is no reason to waste time on something that isn’t even real. If you’re getting wound up, stop and ask yourself if it’s true. (That’s part of that calculation from Terry!)
2. Are you in the now? The following quote comes from the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle and it’s a rich one. “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” The next time you’re all worked up also ask yourself if you’re in the present moment or are you going back to the past or leaping into the future. If you can just focus on and be in the moment of what you’re doing now, that helps a lot. It also makes life more enjoyable.
3. Are you judging it? When something negative does happen, even if it’s a result of your actions, don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s now in the past. Judging yourself, others or an event is a sin but it often takes you down that ruminating path again. Ask what you can learn from it, then figure out how to apply it. (That comes from a different book called ‘Change Your Questions, Change Your Life’ by Marilee Adams)
4. Slow your life down. Part of the problem is that we’re too darn busy. (Kind of like leaving the hockey field with my daughter and I’m ‘in the future’ thinking about the next to do.) Sometimes life offers no spare time. But more times than not it does. We’re the ones creating such busy schedules. It takes just as much effort to clear it. It has been much easier for me to ‘check myself’ when I am not in a rush to something else. Which means that it also helps me not react because there’s time to process or take a break when I need to.
5. Prayer and Meditation. There aren’t enough things that I could say here. Whether it’s meditation on scripture or meditation by stillness, there are benefits to both. –But that’s a whole separate post. Prayer is also one of those things that should never be a last resort. At least for me, it’s the first place to start.