Not Consumed

For the Lord, your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. – Deuteronomy 4:24

By definition, the word 'consume' means to 'use up.' While this word is most often heard when talking about eating a meal, consuming groceries or logs that are ‘used up’ in a fire- Sometimes, we ourselves can feel as though we are used up- overtaken and consumed. –Along with all of our time and resources that we have available.

This can be a result of internal emotions, like depression, exhaustion, shame, insecurity. –You know the stories that we tell ourselves and things that we rehash. But it can also be caused by a job, an issue, or a relationship.

In fact, even things we love, like hobbies, church, or other Godly activities can drain us, if we get them out of order or allow them to have more power over us than God.

This can be tricky because good things, important things, can get out of whack. For example:

God should come before everything. Many of us go to church and even help run it in order to partake in the lessons and fellowship that strengthens our faith.

Relationships are important. Otherwise a good “love walk” wouldn’t be written in the commandments.

Work is important too. I mean, you do need an income in order to consume other basic necessities, right?

So where do you draw the line? How do you know when things have crossed over? Well consider these next few items and think of your current situation. Could any of them be said about you?

*You're up at night, full of anxiety, fear, stress or worry?

*You cannot rest and your health is suffering because this thing keeps you ‘on.'

*You don’t have time for reading your Bible, going for a walk or enjoying something little or new is just a luxury.

*You don’t even offer to help others because your time is tied up or you’re too afraid that your contribution wouldn’t be enough.

*Perhaps normal ‘interruptions’ from your family frustrate you because you are trying to work on or look at this thing.

*You can’t even begin to plan ahead or even think of anything else because [it] always has ‘one more thing’ that needs to be taken care of first…

*What about being a martyr? Are you the only one that can do something when it comes to [it]?

*Or survival mode. You are literally just trying to get through each day.
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Boy, those are some hard statements aren’t they?  - I can safely list each of these because I have been in every single one of them. –And learning it once or discovering this about yourself in an area doesn’t inoculate you from getting stuck there again somewhere else.

So, if any part of this has picked a scab for you, I pray that you hang in there and hear my heart. –Because I have to tell you this is not the path of walking in victory.

Exodus 20:3 is part of the 10 commandments that reads ‘that you shall have no other Gods before me.’

So, if everything in your life has to bow to this thing before anything else can be taken care of, then you might have an idol or a stronghold on your hands. If we’re 'consumed' and all used up by something other than God, His purpose, His plans, or His love for others. -That's not just a problem, it’s a sin.
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The funny thing is, when it's God consuming us, we are inspired and strengthened. Isaiah 40:31 says "but those who hope in the LORD will RENEW their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and NOT grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Even Psalm 40 is a passage called “God Sustains His Servant’. I encourage you to read it.

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I can’t help but find the timing for this message to be perfect. This week, on March 1^st, marks the first day of the Lenten season. Lent represents the 40 days between Jesus’s baptism and then going into Galilea. He was in the desert, fasting and prayerfully seeking God, but he was also tempted by the devil.

Many believers of various denominations will choose to fast from something themselves, each day during this time. As an effort to draw closer to the Lord and remember His sacrifice for us.

You can read more about Lent on the Upperroom but let's look at Matthew 4 together.

¹Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted^[a] by the devil.² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’^[b]”

⁵ Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ⁶ “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,

    and they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’^[c]”

⁷ Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’^[d]”

⁸ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹ “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’^[e]”

¹¹ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him. 

Here are some of the things that stand out to me from that passage.

·       *Fasting doesn’t keep you from getting tempted (v2)

·       *The devil looks for those who are tired and weary. (v2)

·       *The devil uses scripture (v6)

·       *Each time that Jesus was tempted, He made it a point to recall the word of God too.  –And he was part God. (v4,7,10)

·       *Angels came to assist when he resisted. (v11)

Like Jesus, we have a holy spirit who is with us.

Psalm 34:7 says that The Angel of the Lord also encamps around us when we fear him.

Think about your own temptations for a moment. When temptation comes our way be it chocolate, cake, a cigarette, spending five dollars, DOESN’T doing it one more time, only lead to wanting to do it again just one more time? How is that any different from a job or a relationship or this thing you feel compelled to do or can’t pull away from?

Our verse today in Deuteronomy 4 reads “For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” He wants to be the only thing that consumes us. In doing so, he refines the very offerings that we have to give everything else.

So how do we uncross those lines? Well, I believe that you fast from those things. But the way that we do that will look different to each of us. So, I encourage you to try this lenten season, maybe for the first time. Ask the Lord to reveal the area of your life that has more of you than he does. Maybe you already know what it is. Then ask him to help you give a little bit of it up every day for the next 40 days. It’s okay if that looks different every single day of that challenge. But seek a way to honor him, in replacement of it. Which can be in the form of prayer, it can be loving your family, it can be choosing a healthier option.

*You can prepare to be tempted through this season, like Jesus.

*You need scripture to meditate on, so go ahead and pick some verses out.

*Make some boundaries. Preferably with your spouse, a mentor, a group or friend, someone that can pray with you and/or keep you accountable.

Then have a date to check in and talk it out. Then do it again!

I’m going to end with a quote that I heard from Pastor Fred City Life, and it’s a good one so pay attention:

You will never have dominion over any appetite of your body until you give it over and make fasting a regular part of your diet.

I’d like to tweak that to say that you nor God will never have dominion over your life, as long as we let other things keep draining/claiming the power. 

Friend, if you’re feeling consumed, maybe it’s time to reprioritize and let the ‘thing’ go. If you can't quit it, maybe you should change the way you've been feeding it.

If any part of this message has been offensive, I hear you. I would encourage you to pray that if you didn’t feel like the message applied, but you were offended, ask God what he wants YOU to know instead. Let me assure you that God uses those deep things to take us higher. –Not to lead us into condemnation or to convert into anger.

I pray that this message ignites not only a new passion but a new area of faith for you that blows your mind. I would love to hear about your challenges and how you see the Lord working in them. Know that I am praying with you all the way to victory.

Until next time- Thanks for tuning in!

Eating the fruit

Most of us are fairly familiar with Proverbs 18:21. "The tongue has the power of life and death..." My impression of it has always been contrary to the old sticks and stones rhyme; what you say really does have the power to hurt someone (death) or build them up (life).  Even when we allow that verse to have more meaning, we still might only consider its direct impact on others and not ourselves. 

        But
  did you
          know???

There is another half to that verse. It says "and those who love it will eat its fruit." 

This addition might sound more like a do unto others; if you speak life about someone else then others will speak life about you. Or if you are careless, and/or use your words to hurt others, then they will come back to you the same way.  

While some of that may be true, I'd like to suggest an even deeper meaning...

In 1 Samuel 18:8-10 an evil spirit enters Saul because of Saul's jealousy and anger over David. Because Saul allowed those thoughts, it opened a door for an evil spirit to torment him. 

If that kind of damage enters because of our thoughts, how much more can we open ourselves to life and death by letting thoughts become more? Our verse in Proverbs 18:21 says those who love it will eat its fruit.

Well, I know many (self included) that love to talk but eat...?

To eat does not mean that we give to someone else, or wait to see if you can cover it up, or make it different later. It means to put inside. -That by letting our thoughts manifest into an action or a word, we will put something inside of our own bodies, soul, & spirit in that moment. Opening our mouth, opens us up as well.

In fact the verse immediately before it says From the fruit of their mouth a person's stomach is filled; with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied.

In the same way that what you eat determines how well you nourish your body; your harvest of words will nourish your own soul. 

Boy that is literally a lot to chew on. Bad-ump-bump!


So what does that look like in our day-to-day? 

I can't remember where it came from but I once heard the statement that you can't complain and praise at the same time. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head....?  Why not come up with a "go to song" to change your tune in the heat of the moment. The minute that a groan starts to take shape, recall the song and just start singing... Its okay if your don't know a "Praise" to sing. You can look for one. Until then, even singing "Old Mac Donald" would keep you from the groan. ...um, success! Until you learn a praise song. Or just say "Hallelujah" or "Jesus" over and over.  After all, there is something about that name.

If scripture is a weapon why not speak that instead of gossip or possibilities or fears? Hebrews 4:12 says that "The word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." I don't know about you but I'd like to be and occasionally need to be separated from some of my thoughts! If it will help me separate- YES PLEASE!

But what if we also tried a little role reversal and let the conversations with our friends stay in our mind while talking out loud to God instead? Or how about word reversal, if you need social activity; how about deliberately looking for someone to encourage, compliment or pray with regularly instead of just talking about the weather or the day.

Not to drag this list out but it appears that I'll be finishing this post on Thanksgiving. In honor of that, what if we said more than just "thanks". What if we were deliberate and intentional about who did what, why it was so significant and how that has left us for the better? In fact check out this video. Gosh, why can't we do this every day!?

Lastly, we tell ourselves that less is less but sometimes, it is truly more. Proverbs 17:28 says "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues." Meditate on that and see where you might need to hold back a few words, even if they might not all be "bad" ones.

Because of that verse and this theme about the "fruit of words" I think this picture is the perfect finale. When I was a child my parents had fruit trees. I remember them removing buds and smaller fruit before it could fully mature; even when it looked completely healthy or was just beginning to bloom. Yet, this was done so that that the fruit remaining on the tree would become bigger, sweeter and even more nutritious. Not only is it better for the fruit that is produced; but too much fruit could actually damage the tree. 

In both scenarios it is the fruit that can damage the body from which it came. Let us all meditate on this post. I hope the words really marry together in your heart and mind. What words might we keep or let go of; and how would doing so guard not only our health, but also our offering to others and to the Lord? 

I hope this post is a blessing to you. Thank you so much for reading. I wish you safe travels and a beautiful day spent with those you love in celebration of ALL of the Lord's good works!


Closing Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, THANK YOU for yet another opportunity to be thankful not just for what we eat of the physical world but also for what is given in nourishment by spirit. Bless not only the fruit of the earth, but also the fruit of our mouths and of our hearts. Forgive us for overlooking the deceit in our tongues. Let even the most private places of our heart be a PLEASING offering to you. Teach us how to apply the "righteous" living that we all crave. Let us discover MORE of your power and glory in our day to day. Let us be awed in love for you and your people. -Then to propelled to give from the thankfulness that overflows within. We love you Lord. Thank you for your many blessings!


If you enjoyed this, you might also like 2 other timely links that I've come across this week. 

• A sermon on how Thankfulness opens us up to God (click the sermon from 11/23)

• An Article on the The 7 evils of a complaining spirit copied from a book, "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment" by Jeremiah Burroughs

photo credit - Thanks to my sweet, sweet Sophie. :)

I Gave Facebook The Boot!

So Sunday, I finally deactivated my Facebook account. No warning. No shout out. I've had enough. Click, click, Kick! Whew!

I haven't missed it.

Of course the first thing that I wanted to do when I deactivated it, was post about FINALLY doing it! I let that confirm my decision.

I wish that I had of done it sooner!

When my sister in law first asked me to set up a Facebook account a few years ago, I thought she was crazy. I thought Facebookers were crazy. What on earth is the point of the program? I gave it a good go and then deactivated my account finding it pretty useless.

Until I remembered that there was someone that I was trying to find. That story is for another day but I thought maybe he would be looking for me too. So, I reactivated it. (Yes, you can do that.)

Then somehow I seemed to get the hang of it. Maybe it was by practice...?!  **insert gasp**

If I bought tomatoes you knew about it. You were able to witness [in.real.time] just how cute my kids are because I was always posting pictures. Before I knew it, I couldn't put it down.

Even though I thought it was ridiculous.

Last year, I deleted the app on my phone so that I wasn't tempted to press the button. -Not that I needed Facebook that badly but it was a mindless activity. My thumb was clicking the button when I wasn't even trying to read it. I would go to look up a contact and find myself on Facebook anyway. grrrr.

So the app went.

I thought again about ditching Facebook altogether but by this point, I was helping out with our church page(s). I've also started leading some studies on my own. How else would I get the word out? After all, wasn't this important? **insert light-hearted sarcasm here**

So, I made myself some rules, like "I will only do this once a day" or "only on this day of the week". I even scheduled posts so that I wouldn't have to log on but then something would have to get cancelled or suddenly posted and the ball was back in my court. -Of course it wasn't in my "allowed time".

[Brief insert with regard to scheduling: This reminds me of the verse: Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Isn't that the truth?!]

Anyway, I became pretty good at not reading the news feeds and not commenting or liking everything that I saw but then a little voice started pestering me. "You know your friends think you're stuck up because you don't comment on their posts or like their things..." Seriously???

Seriously.

Or when I did post; I felt like I couldn't articulate what should've been a quick reply. I either spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to put it out there or I was irritated by what I should've said instead. For me, is just became the Devil's Playground. If I wasn't frustrated by something related to Facebook, I was wasting completely perfect, coveted time to be living instead.

Then I started noticing that on the days that I didn't have Facebook, there was a greater sense of peace. At night, I didn't feel as tired or agitated.

[Another Insert: This also makes me think about studies that talk about the different nutritional values in food. Now forgive me but I am terrible with remembering cites and it's been a while since I've heard it but- Maybe it was Jamie Oliver, Joyce Meyer or Lysa Terkeurst or someone else altogether that said when we rush through eating we aren't satisfied because there is more to eating than just filling our bellies. AND that when we eat "junk" instead of real food we're also unsatisfied. 

Fast Food, Junk Food, Man Made food are all substitutes with little or no nutritional value. So, we're still left craving the real thing. Our obesity stems from not satisfying what we really desire so we continue to consume... if we continue to fill the void with junk, we just get bigger and hungrier. Not satisfied. 

Just pause and let that sink in for a moment.

I just can't help but think that the same thing applies to Facebook (Social Media) and relationships. It seems mindless. Harmless. Fast. I think it was designed as a message tool. -A way to get to know and reach out or reconnect. Yet it is quickly becoming a substitute for the actual connection instead of just a means to establish it. Social Media is man made collection of relationships. Godly relationships have so much more to offer and there is so much more to friendship than only seeing what people share and commenting on it. But this is taking the tangent in another direction and so I will wrap up this bunny trail by saying next-

I have simply found myself craving tangible instead of visible. Real Books and handwritten letters. -Picked flowers and not pictures of them. A real kiss and a hug not my usual xoxo. I will no longer take a substitute!]

So, I started thinking about deactivating again and how that might hinder my methods to share anything. Facebook clearly has value there but when we become ruled by "our" plans and agendas or the means to obtain them; aren't we also taking back control and/or saying that God isn't capable?

BAM!-That is when I decided it was over.

Ironically, no matter how hard it was to follow my rules or schedules. Simply turning it off was SO much easier to manage. Just like when I quit smoking! I tried the patches and pills and lozenges. Yes, I even tried rules because for some strange reason I seem to like them. -But none of the modifications worked. I finally quit smoking when I went cold turkey over 5 years ago. I just had to cut it off. The same was true with Facebook.

It's just like the verse states in Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away.  It is easier to cut it off and throw it away than it is to try to ignore the Band-Aid. You'll just keep picking at it.

Please do not interpret this as saying that Facebook is a sin. This post is about how it caused me to stumble. I was always stooping to it. I needed to cut it off. You can replace the word "Facebook" with any habit that you or I have.

I didn't give a warning. I just followed the instructions. I did happen to have a lot of alternate contact information for my friends. You might want to collect some of it first if you're also considering the boot. 

It has only been a week but I am SO relieved! At first my thumb tried to wander into email or safari but when there was nothing there we moved on. Now even my thumb seems to be happily adjusting. 

After I deactivated the account, I saw two other comments on similar stories that I also wanted to include. 

The first was a reference to an old saying in this blog. "If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy." I'd like to add that if you're not busy doing the devil will keep you so distracted with something that you're not listening to God or yourself or the peace and quiet.

The second comment was from this post. "The internet age may try to sell you something different, but don’t ever forget that viral is closely associated with sickness — and focusing on numbers can make you nauseated." WOW! What a great statement! What numbers have you been watching? 

And with that, I will end with a scripture! Psalm 34:14 says Seek Peace and Pursue it! Sometimes the decisions that we make aren't about "Good" or "Bad". It's about whether or not you have peace or is it bearing fruit?  You and I can do hard things and have peace so don't confuse "easy" with peaceful. There is a difference. Pursue peace in whatever form that comes! For me, I seldom had peace with this subject. It always bothered me. Maybe it was simply my motives in approaching it...?

If you disagree and think that I should've continued sharing my posts, I do thank you. Let me suggest instead that maybe you'll be the one to share them? -Or even better, maybe this is an opportunity for you to share how God is working in your own life. I'm certain that he will bless you for it. :)

Many Blessings to you and yours!

P.S. The original picture was borrowed from: http://getkickinlife.blogspot.com/ and then tweaked a little.


**Update 12/5/15 - I made it a year and a half and ended up reactivating it so that I could use the groups in study. haha.

Consumption | Notes

So for a while now I've been feeling like I should give up alcohol. I have simply been reluctant.  I've never tolerated liquor well so that wasn't an issue for me. I was always a beer girl. I genuinely like it for the taste. -ice.cold.beer. on a hot summer day? Yes, please.

For most of my drinking life a couple of beers here and there or at a special event was enough. However, the summer before I became pregnant with Sophie. Work was intense. I'd just come home in the evening and think that I just needed something to take the edge off. "To unwind". The next thing I knew I was happier drinking than eating. It became easy for me to consume a six pack a night all by myself. I'd stumble to bed. Pass out and then repeat the same pattern the next day.

Thankfully, I became pregnant with Miss Priss and I had to cut that off. As it turns out I had developed a wheat allergy between Ethan and Sophie and most beer contains wheat. After Sophie, I became more aware of my sensitivity to it.  The wheat free brands are pretty disgusting. So, that made it easier to reduce the amount of beer that I consumed but I missed it. I guess that the depth of my grievance over it should've been a sign that I had some sort of problem. -Even if I didn't show all of the signs.

Instead- and as ridiculous as this sounds; I forced myself to find a wine I liked instead.  It actually took a lot of practice. I tried many that I didn't like in order to find ones that I did... As it turns out, I only seem to like French ones. Before I knew it I had a new staple. I didn't drink every day or anything like that but when I needed to unwind, I had a new "go to"...

Somewhere in there, I was getting the idea that God might not want me to drink something or at sometimes but it's kind of easy to shrug that off when we want to justify our own behaviors and habits. Just as I started to document some of these little things I thought that God was telling me; I finally found a set of wine glasses that I really liked. -and I DO have a thing for pretty dishes! Of course it's only fun to have them if I use them. So, I hung onto my new habit just a little bit longer.

Now here it is years later. I've carried these notes around various places. I have finally compiled them last year thinking that if I put them on the blog, the next time that I was tempted, I could pull up the list and remind myself.... Boy was I surprised at how much my notes added up to! I never published them on the blog because it was just a list and I felt like I needed to offer something more with it but I just wasn't sure what that was... In hindsight, maybe the post was missing my struggle.

So, instead I made a few rules to "only have a glass or two" or "only at family dinner". Only to regret and grieve over it again later... 

Then it started keeping me up at night...

It's a funny thing; I've wrestled with admitting it because I didn't want to talk about it. I've decided recently that I really need to move forward. God has shown me so many times that my obedience won't always make sense but he is faithful to help me understand it later. Last night, I refused a glass of wine like so many times before and instead of talking about God, I simply said it's been keeping me up at night.

I know this will sound really condemning. I just don't know how to word it as I mull it over. This morning, I thought about Peter. God asked him 3 times if he loved him. (How many times must he ask me to put down booze?) And Peter was the same one to deny him. Here I am telling people that my change is because of sleep instead of God. I wonder if all of this time, it's been such a struggle because I just haven't been truthful about the work that God is doing in this area. I just wasn't ready to admit that God wanted me to let it go. So, in all of my other excuses, I couldn't fight it successfully because I wasn't open about it. Of course I am still trying to figure this out and so my answer would also be pretty loaded... My reference to sleep just sounded... simpler.

Thankfully, just this morning I see the verse in James 5:16 that says if we confess our sins to God and to others and pray over each other then we can be healed. I just feel ready to admit this current weakness. I feel strong enough to say, I just don't have all of the answers. This is where I am and what I am figuring out and won't you pray with me!? Please and thank you.  Here are some of those nifty little notes below.  (This is one of the many reasons that I support journaling. It's easy to shrug one or two off but seeing them all together makes a completely different statement.)


The List

• I feel a lot of conviction about being a leader. I frequently run across verses, articles, books about leadership. I am not sure where all that applies. Maybe it's only in my role of motherhood or my position at work, in the church or just alongside a friend.  It doesn't matter where; I am starting to really pay attention to all of those promptings. So you will see a few references to leadership in here. The first is, Proverbs 31:4 “It is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer.” The commentary says that "Leaders have better things to do than anesthetize themselves with alcohol.
• 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  "Buzzing or Drunkenness" is not sober-minded. I would also like to add that in some forms of alcohol, I have found myself foggy headed for days after. -Not drunk but just unable to think clearly or concentrate. I believe that to be related to food allergies or chemical properties in some alcohol. (Also consider sobriety in terms of drugs use and even from a lack of sleep. )
• Is what I am doing a stumbling block to anyone else? Is it confusing to others?
• Some alcohol interferes with my sleep. It might have helped me pass out at first but it will not keep me asleep and I usually wake up feeling unrested.
• Being drunk weakens your defenses and affects your decisions. It makes us less reliable.
• Romans 12:1 "Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice".
• I also had a note by Judges 13 about Sampson being a Nazarite (Man of God). He was not to have alcohol or fermented drink. I am not sure that I could articulate this well and nor am I sure how long I've had a note about Sampson in chapter 13. Yet just this week a homework assignment led me to  answer this question. "Read Judges 16:51-21 - What resulted from Sampson's lack of self discipline?" My answer was that he lost his power and gift.  Immediately this area of my life came to mind. My lack of discipline with alcohol and or any/sin and this blog as my gift. Imagine my surprise when I came back to add it only to see a comment about Sampson already noted...  Maybe there is more to this.
• Proverbs 23 has several verses see "saying 16" and "saying 19". I had a note about "Disciples don't drink." But that is not from that verse or commentary. I am not sure why I had it there.
• If I drink too much alcohol, I feel puffy and bloated.
• Ephesians 5:18 says "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery" My commentary on that verse says "Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary "high," to being filled with the spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ we have better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony or tension. I love this part; We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but how much of us the Holy Spirit has."
• This is a big one- Feeling like I have to repent after!  If I wasn't doing anything wrong, why would I feel so much conviction about repentance? -Granted a lot of that might be about my motives or timing that led me to drinking.
• I have found myself disappointed to listen to other people that were drunk. Not even necessarily because they were violent or foul. It just wasn't the same or as attractive as listening to someone who was sober or themselves. I don't ever want my children to feel that way about me EVER.
• Recently following my own rules, I got wasted on 2 glasses of wine. -To the point that I don't even remember most of the evening. It wasn't intentional. I actually don't enjoy being drunk. This is just a reminder that we can't rely on rules or our plans or intentions.
• Health benefits. Moderation of alcohol. Paul to Timothy about being careful about not drinking too much. In his location there was poor water quality. Red Wine was believed to help clear out intestinal issues.  Even now, wine is believed to certain benefits if it is consumed within moderation (regarding cardiovascular, cancer and aging benefits.) I do understand that there are occasional pros...
• Matthew 6:33 says to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." Do you know how many times after a bad day, I would go to the fridge and open the door only to hear that verse whispered to my heart? The same is true for binging on chocolate or shopping when I needed a pick me up! God has the strength to meet all of our needs if we just go to HIM first.
• My sudden embarrassment about the idea of being caught in a picture with a beer in my hand or a glass of wine.  Especially, then posted to Facebook or something. There was a time when none of those things mattered to me but somehow it has become a new awareness....
• Psalm 4:7 says You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. True!
• Romans 14  is a great chapter. If you're confused about sin and why some can do this and why some can't do that, read this passage.
• Choosing not to do what you feel led to do becomes disobedience and that makes you less sensitive to the holy spirit.

Update 10/2/14

• A few weeks after this post, I asked God why on earth I needed to stop drinking, if I didn't believe that I had a real problem. Immediately, I received my most convicting thought. What if none of this is really about me? What if one of my children ends up struggling with a true problem in this area when they are older. Not necessarily because I drank but because they were exposed to it, they developed their own relationship with it too early on. I thought of my children and their response to it and to me when I drink. Immediately, I felt my decision complete itself and the desire to drink left me. I can tell you that since that moment, I have no longer grieved any part of this. Having the right conviction in my heart took me off the fence and put all of me on one side of that decision.

Update 8/26/2015 - I am proud to say that as of 7/21/2015 I have been sober for one year and counting!

This is all that I have for now. All of my posts are subject to more editing so there may be more to this later. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope it also speaks to you. :)

Clanging Cymbals

I am a loud person. I always have been. I walk heavy. When I sigh, it's like I've been holding my breath too long and I am taking another deep one so that I can go back under. Sometimes I fidget. I slam doors. My fingers even stomp when they are typing. If my gum is good, I -enjoy- the chew. ... And I yell. 

I am sure that my neighbors must think I'm crazy. I seem to be yelling all of the time. "GET YOUR TAIL OVER HERE!" "GET YOUR SHOES." "WH- A-A-T ARE YOU D-O-OING?"  or "COME HERE" (Can you tell most of my yelling is at the kids? and my dogs.)

Sometimes when I start feeling that twinge of awareness about my yelling, I try to "phone a friend" to get the mood lighter and so I change my words to "HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, GLORY DIVINE. THIS CRAZY WOMAN IS LOSING HER MIND!" After a few more, crazy, sing-song thingys, I start to get less loud.

The sad part is, I am often not as angry as I sound. I'm like an animal that puffs himself all up, to appear bigger to the other animals, just so that no one else gets any wild ideas. I am bigger and we'll do this my way. Other times, I'm pretty sure it's an adult version of a temper tantrum. It's got to look ridiculous because the child version looks ridiculous. A big girl having them can't be any better. Getting a puffed up chest doesn't mean that I have more muscles. Just like getting louder doesn't mean that I have anything better to say.

I've really been trying to practice using my "inside" voice. I think that I've gotten a lot better but I can't wait to be completely free of it. The loudness is unnecessary. Sadly it creates more "noise". Then it's harder to hear the words.  I am just a "resounding gong or clanging cymbal” as stated in 1st Corinthians 13:1.

I believe that Joyce Meyer once said that If you think that you can't help the way that you are, pretend that you were in front of someone that you really wanted to impress; or consider whether or not your behavior would change in another environment. I thought about being at work. I couldn't imagine answering the phone at the top of my lungs because I was in a hurry. -Or yelling at another adult in a hall at school, or church, or the library because the person was dawdling instead of coming straight to me. I wonder what is it in me that might not want to impress my children or my dear husband. Aren't they the most important people in my life? When I come home from work and take off my work clothes, do I drop my respect and care in the same pile? Why wouldn't I want to impress them more than anyone else?

***

The next part is choppy so bear with me.

A blog I love is "An Inch of Gray". Last night I read it until I cried. Of course, if you read her post from 10/4/2011, you will find that it won't take long to cry in many of her posts. -And then I read some more- There is something about being humbled that just makes everything easier. I've gotten to where I am regularly seeking ways to dial my heart back down a notch. This time, I did it here.

And then I found this on another blog:

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” The only way to say this better is found in 2 Corinthians 9:7 - 8, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

I realize that such a petty little thing like yelling shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But that vast span of eternity can take a long time to cross if mine and my beloved are ever parted. I just don't want to hang on to old “should haves”. There is a giving in me that is even bigger than I am. I don't want a “petty little thing”, like being too loud, keep others from getting close enough to accept my gift(s).

And that is all.