Seeing God's Hand | Log

8/24 -  A little post from Sunday. 

We also went out to some family owned property in the woods. I can't explain how much being as far away from the world or my daily life, satisfies my soul. I spent the day doing two of my favorite things. 1) Hanging out in the woods with the trees and 2) Hanging out just the five of us. (Well 6, if you count the dog.)  It was a beautiful and satisfying day.

8/25 - I got my answer but it took me a few weeks to act on it and then document.

Then there was this post. 

8/26 - A week or so ago our ladies ministry sent cards to shut-ins from our church. In my cards, I asked a few of them if I could visit with the kids. I miss my grandparents very much and only have one grandmother left. She is out of state and unfortunately, neither of us are able to travel right now. I can't really explain it because it's not the same but visiting shut-ins, seemed like a different kind of answer to the same prayer. Then this evening, the daughter in law of one of the ladies called me and said that I could visit them. We spoke for quite some time. She seemed like such a neat and interesting lady. We're trying to set a date and I can't wait to go and see them.

8/27 - Sometimes when I blog and Colin asks me what I am writing. For some time, I kept part of the answer to myself. Colin knows that I write about my faith but I didn't always share the details of it. Then one day that it struck me as such a golden opportunity to really talk about how God is working in my life.  I asked for opportunities and God was already giving them to me... I just needed to be tuned in.  Even as I write this out, I realize that I could share more than what I do.

I was able to go for a walk at lunch with a dear friend. We quickly try to talk about how God is working in our lives... it just seems like we never have enough time... It is still a blessing to see her, as it is any of my friends when we can get together.

I've been struggling to write two posts since December. It started as one called "The Gift" and then another post formed called "The Talent". I felt like they belonged together but as I finished "The Talent" the other post "The gift" seemed like extra verbiage that I could discard. I still felt like there was some kind of connection. 

After my walk with my friend today, I emailed her a few things that we spoke about. One was the draft of "The Talent" (because at the time, I wasn't sure that I would post it). Then I included a very personal letter about something that I gave away because it also stemmed back to some things that we were discussing. To my surprise when I went to insert the letter, I had quickly titled it "The Gift" when I saved it last year.   

Seeing them alongside each other was such a reminder of the power of God. In my letter, I asked to be right with God. I had a lot of big physical needs but I also had some emotional and spiritual ones. I gave the only thing that I had with a prayer to adjust me, not just my circumstance. While I've seen evidence that it was happening, it came together with that post of "The Talent". 

When I included them both in the message became so obvious of his reminder that he answers prayer.

"The Gift" - The prayer
"The Talent" - The answer, and so many smaller answers within and he continues to answer.

8/28 -  I started fleshing out some of the posts that I felt led to write on Monday.

8/29 - Some new neighbors moved in earlier this year. They are preachers at another church in town. We're close in age and so are our kids. Anyway, we seldom see each other but we were able to talk for a few minutes longer the other night. I just felt thankful for friendship and God and neighbors... Thankful for how they can all be tied together in one.

8/30 - A beautiful poem not written by me but it touched me.

Another post that I am working on is one that I refer to as "That Universe Post". It is really just a summary how suddenly everything seems to be about him when there was a time that I couldn't figure out where he was or how to even work him into a conversation. This morning I woke up and started thinking about that post. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe he really was that polite gentleman. Maybe he never became more because I really didn't want him there or because I didn't really want to get into all of that. Maybe he also honored that request and stayed away.  EEK.  Big thought.

***

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. - Psalm 16:11


This post is in a log format. For more information about what this is, read the top of this post.

Seeing God's Hand | Log

8/17/14 - I can't seem to find the words to say it eloquently but a lot of things have been on my mind lately around the subject of suicide. We've recently had our family affected by two different losses. A co-worker also lost a member of her family and then of course the recent loss of Robin Williams. It drives me crazy hearing people talk about how selfish it is. While in so many ways that it may be so, there is an agony or torment on the other side that most would never be able to understand. That doesn't make it okay but it is the truth.

When I was in high school, I struggled with my own thoughts about suicide. Contrary to what most people think, I didn't want to die. I actually wanted to live. Just not in the circumstances that I was in and I was unable to change any of them. You don't want to talk to your friends because you want to be strong and to cope and well, you don't want to bring anyone else down... When I started day dreaming about how I might take my own life, I sought help. While I can't remember quite how everything played out then, ultimately it was only Jesus Christ that saved me from that area of my life and then from so many other places.

Either way, this morning, I sat looking at the computer screen, reading about Robin Williams. Two other people were heavy on my heart. When I started researching symptoms, I was alarmed at how many symptoms they both shared. A medication that they were both on was also noted for causing some of them.

Sadly at least one of them was on more than one medication that had been linked to suicide. It's hard enough trying to fathom being suicidal in the first place. Then having a medication, help drive the car just...  It made my heart twist to think about it.

Later in the morning, I sat in church service, and listened to the preacher talk also about suicide and loneliness. It dug up an assortment of things in me and while I tried not to be angry, I just couldn't seem to hold it in. I'm not even sure what I was angry about but the whole day just seemed to rub me wrong. I regressed in some areas that I feel I've grown in. The harder I tried, the worse I seemed to respond... That's really the only summary that I have for this day.

8/18/14 - My unrest above ended up continuing on for the remainder of the week.  I thought about my own experiences with depression and other issues. It reconfirmed that my desire to try to help, if at all possible with my own experiences.

8/19/14 - Praying to be someone worth following when most of you doesn't want to be followed. It produces some Jeckyll/Hyde affect in me. I think about motherhood and how I never really wanted children. I grew up saying I get married and have kids. If I had kids, I'd have a lot. When it came down to being married though, I suddenly realized that I was perfectly okay with never having them. I'd adopt puppies and learn about various hobbies and do whatever I pleased.

When I got pregnant I became terrified that I might not like the baby when it was born or what if I totally stunk at motherhood?? When the second child came a long, I was afraid that I'd never be able to love it as much as the first. By baby number three, I had the same fears but I knew better. We'd all make mistakes but we'd all be okay and we'd all love each other as we should.

I think about how much parenting has made me go beyond myself. Not in ways that I give because sometimes I just don't give enough. -But in how much it's made me grow beyond what I thought I could be or wanted to be, etc.  How much my children make me want to be a better example. -Someone worth following. Someone they are proud of. Not because I am "awesome" but because they learned something that served them well, from me.

And here I am again with my job, I struggle with that same conflict. Man, I struggled years ago when it was offered. I feel so whiny as I begin this transition. I have such an incredible opportunity and yet I find myself having to think so differently and my flesh just seems to fight me.  I think about the chapter of Romans 7 verses 7-25. When it talks about the old nature and new nature, the spirit and the law. How they all wrestle inside. My commentary on 7:1 says that "The sinner is condemned by the law. The law keeper cannot live up to it and the person with the new nature finds his or her obedience to the law sabotaged by the effects of the old nature." I feel relief for my behavior on Sunday, today, everyday... The battle with in...

I am thankful to work with such an incredible group of people. I am thankful to be entrusted to have such an opportunity. Like becoming a new mother, I am thankful for the things that I will learn from this new path. I am thankful for another opportunity that can/will grow me so profoundly. I pray the same prayer that I started with... to help me be someone worth following. To have the concrete broken around my feet when I cannot move. Let me always be reminded of the victory that comes on the other side when I listen to my heart when God speaks and when I keep turned toward the love of others. It saves me every time...

8/20/14 - I ran out of coffee at the house. I dug through a bowl of change to get money for a treasured latte. (I lost my debit card and I never carry cash.) As I sat in the drive through I remembered that my sitter loves Starbucks. I asked God to let me find five more dollars if he wanted to bless her too. I slipped my hand in my purse and the very first thing my hand landed on in that boat of a purse was a five dollar bill. And let me remind you that I am so certain that I didn't have cash in there that I was digging through the change bowl...

8/21/14 - I met a retired nun today and we traded numbers and the curiosity of what she could tell me was almost too much. I love that when I meet people, sometimes I feel (as ridiculous as this sounds) like our souls click or have some other conversation that the rest of our physical bodies aren't privy to. I can't explain it and I could almost miss it if I didn't stop to it happen but... it happened today and even if she and I don't develop a friendship, I am thankful that we met.

Another post (unrelated to the above) called "not of this earth" may come soon.If only I have time to write it.

8/22/14 - Redeemed

8/23/14 - I spoke to one of the people that had been on my heart since Sunday. I didn't really ask any questions. When I had a small window, I explained the article, how it affects me and what I saw that connected all of that with this person. I found some comfort in this conversation and of course relief having at least expressed my heart.

***

I hate that I posted this late. Most of it was drafted by Saturday. I really wanted to rework the whole thing. -Whatever started on Sunday, continued on throughout the rest of the week though. I found myself flooded with words and no time to write them and burdened with a heaviness that I didn't understand. A lot of people told me I seemed off but I could've told them that too. I know the answer will come in time.... I just will just have to pray my way through it and hope for discernment. I think of that song "Lord move or move me..." That about sums up this week.

This post is in a log format. For more information about what this is, read the top of this post.

Seeing God's Hand | Log

8/10 - We're doing "Created to be God's Friend" in my Sunday School Class and in Day 2 work, I started answering a question. I continued to write a long response in detail. It made me think about my friend's story (from day 8/7) and I decided to write a little about that too. I suddenly realized why I reacted the way that I did and it summarized a response to a bit of other questions that I had. I think it would be an awesome blog post. Mostly because of how much it means to me. But I am just not sure that I will have time. This little log might just be the only reminder. I will link back if get to write it.

I also struggle with talking about the Good things about me because I don't want to come across haughty or boastful.  Yet the "aha" above also seemed to include this area and I think I will have to read it a lot! -but carefully.

cont - My SS class takes a long time to complete a study because we talk about each section until we run out of time and then pick up where we left off. I stopped to consider the Wednesday night class for our Women's ministry. I think Jeni needed a break and she's considering doing the Creative Correction class for the preschool moms. We've talked about me leading something for a while. I am not sure that I could handle an additional study on top of everything. I've been thinking about the extra books that we have for this study and I realize that I could lead this on Wednesday nights if anyone was interested. It wouldn't be in addition because I am already doing the study and I'd already be there. I will just need to work out help for the nursery!  I think a plan is unfolding... :)

8/11 - A similar Epiphany to the one 8/5. Again I was thinking about the Bone Garden sermon in reference to chapter Ezekiel 37. My cousin's step-daughter is having a lot of issues right now. She is in elementary school and hasn't seen her biological mother in months. It's a bit a hard story. I thought about how hard I've been on her and how hard I am on other children. I think sometimes that it's because I didn't feel like I was able to be a child. So, maybe now that I am older, trying to connect is just awkward. Either way, I also think about fostering or becoming a Big Sister later on. -When I'm more patient or tolerant. Yet, it's another area of practice, isn't it?  Sometimes, we just need to start where we are and just like that verse (say to the bones that we see everyday-LIVE).  We don't have to go overseas or to register in an organization. Look in your back yard. Where is your bone garden? Maybe it's your neighbor or your relative or a friend.  I called my cousin to see about making a date with her daughter. It might "look good" on a blog but that's a big step for me even if it isn't that hard. It's funny (not so funny) and sad  how we sometimes just don't want to be bothered with kindness but want others to show it to us.

cont - We completed the Creative Correction study. I shared a testimony that I've never shared. I hope that God really blesses each mother in that group and that continues to work in their lives. I hope they (and their families) each continue to press on.  When we were leaving a friend in the group talked about a study that she was doing with her family and friends. It echoed the same reminder before this one.  In fact, she was with me when I heard that sermon. We did Experiencing God together and our spiritual lives often seem to be moving at the same pace. Either way, she is beginning a study with some of her closest friends that don't go to church with her. You really don't have to go anywhere or do anything necessarily radical. You are right where you are supposed to be.  Look up for direction.

8/12 - I did something a little bit different with my tithes this year. When I started out, I had it right but somehow I got away from the original plan. I kind of feel silly getting off track but I'm glad I am aware of it now so that I can correct it and move on. Thanks God.

8/13 - Thoughts for a friend. A message of encouragement to her. Sending letters to the shut-ins at church.... I can't remember anything specific... Still working on some other posts.

8/14 - Day 4 of the Friend study is titled "Missed Opportunities". It talks about how when people feel like God is leading them, they also feel this sense of urgency. If we don't respond right away that opportunity may become lost and the urgency dies with it.  In thinking about that message, I felt led to write to two people this week. I haven't done it yet. They were really on my heart. I know that there is still time but there were days that I felt really stirred by God to write something. Now I feel as though I might not have the words...  It seemed like a good example worth noting. I felt an urgency in each of those situations. Not 911 urgency but a "God is with me and is equipping me right now" kind of urgency.

Cont - Day 5 talks about when God takes the initiative in someones life, it is often NOT in the things that the person wants to do. For example, I would love to have a retired animal farm when I am older. Maybe open it up to troubled kids in some way. I've also always wanted to take sign classes. While I don't have property or animals or anything like that, I do have an opportunity to take sign classes for free with the kids. In my mind, I can tell myself that it's a God opportunity. I mean we are meeting in a church so why shouldn't I be doing it. BUT really, that is something that I want to do. God has never told me that I would have a farm or needed sign. It seems good to me but I might not really be a good fit for something like that. On the other hand, I have STRONGLY felt like he has told me NOT to do anything this fall. I would still go to church but I wouldn't lead classes or attend anything extra that was a regular commitment. I feel a stronger initiative from God to rest than I do about him wanting me to to do sign.  If that makes sense...

8/15 - A friend from high-school called and needed a number for my parents. It was so good to hear not only from but also to hear how good he sounded. He has had a hard life and there had been some years I was simply crushed for him. It was a gift to hear him sound like he was being restored. We laughed about parenthood. We talked about the way that it surprised us both. We each have a child that seems more "enlightened" than we can comprehend. You could tell that deeper thoughts for both of us were developing from this conversation. We encouraged each other and parted ways but it set the tone for the day. I felt like God was with us in the conversation.

8/16 - Sophie, Jackson and I painted more rocks today. We fished each out of a river or off of the shore while on a trip in July. We brought them all home and dressed some of them up today. Most of them include fingerprints of the kids. Some of them are for specific people. Others were not. Each rock has a verse on it. There were some I hadn't heard before. They all touched me in some way but it was neat considering them in an 'exercise" like that not really knowing who would get them. Not long after we had finished, a friend sent a text asking what I was doing, so I sent her a picture. She was leaving to head out of town the next day for her brother's funeral. She wanted to take a rock with her to leave on his grave. It touched me having something so small to contribute. I wasn't surprised with the one that she chose and Sophie had painted it all by herself. (It's the red and black heart rock on the left). The verse is John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled.You believe in God; believe also in me.  It seemed so timely. For the rock, the day and the summary of this week...

This post is in a log format. For more information about what this is, read the top of this post.

Seeing God's Hand | Log

Intro: I recently wrote a post about looking for God's hand. It made me consider how I might be more intentional about looking for it. I decided to commit a month to trying to log something every day. (This log would reflect times that I felt near to him each day.) However, it IS a practice. So, I forgot to document for a week or two and then skipped a few days here and there.

Don't be discouraged when you start tracking and can't come up with anything. Especially if you haven't practiced any type of journaling or prayer regularly. Getting yourself in the habit of listening/looking is the first step, which might take longer than you'd think. Some of the notes might not be clear to you. Bear with me. It's a new practice...
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8/1 - 

8/2 - 

8/3 - 

8/4 - Feeling stirred about giving. Thinking about sharing a testimony also about giving. Discovering a hidden blessing in being home with sick kids.

8/5 –  I've been thinking of taking the kids to a nursing home or looking for grandparents to adopt. I remembered a sermon that I once heard on Ezekiel 37. It spoke of ways that you can restore life in your own yard or immediate surroundings. You don't have to go BIG in order to help someone. Then I thought of a neighbor that is an elderly lady that could probably using companionship. I might not have to go anywhere else to help someone. I reflected on how much my life has changed in the years since that sermon. How I've intentionally had to make some decisions about the family that I live closest to. It was hard to change my ways at first but in doing so, it has restored life to my own bone garden.

8/6 – I realized why I felt so stirred about giving. God was asking me to give something to Marie, the neighbor. I did and told her that I’d like spend more time with her. It sometimes still seem strange to consider some things but then seeing the way that it affected her, felt like an honor and such a small thing (for me) to do for her.

8/7 – I heard a story about a friend and my response really surprised me. I was more touched than I thought I would be. I'm not sure if I can share it here. I will link it later if I do. I really didn't know why I had such a reaction. I prayed over my friend, myself, and both of our families.

cont - I was watching a Leadercast Now video with co-workers. I had been thinking for a while about the subject of core beliefs and one line job descriptions. In a discussion about things that we can do different in the department, I realized how important that one line and/or belief really is. I had been drawing my one line around customer service but it made me less available to the help desk staff. I was given an example from one of my co-workers of something that I needed to change that I was doing. It really made me back up and readjust my focus. I've changed my one line to the focus of help desk and I think that it will help me be a better manager. I'm still praying for help on how to help them come up with their line.

8/8 - Jackson found a rock in the river a few weeks ago and wanted to send it to my mother. I thought we should dress it up. So, I put his thumb print on it and made it a frog. Then his index finger and made it a fly. I stuck the fly's tongue out in playful response to not being caught... I'm probably more amused than I should be... haha. Big surprise. ;)

A friend's daughter gave me a rock a few months ago. So, I decided to paint a picture on the front of it and return it to her as well. With a shortened verse on the back. (The earth is full of the lovingkindness of the LORD.) I've had some ideas about painting other rocks. Not sure why... Maybe there is something to it....

8/9 - I'm wrapping up the Creative Correction study and on pg 135 I had a lot of conviction about parenting. I would love to blog the whole thing. However, as a log I need to keep it short. Basically as a mother I am often feeling like I have to reprimand all of the time. By this point in the study, the author is suggesting that we teach more why or how and even include our own previous examples.  It's also suggesting that we teach our children to pray when they are acting up or struggling in an area. I really stopped to consider some of my own stories that I'd share with my kids. I quickly came up with about 4. However, none of them were sin. They were simply mistakes because I was a child and simply had NO idea that there was a consequence. Tears filled my eyes and I thought about how much I blame myself now as an adult for simply "not knowing" the answer to something or how something should work. I think it's a result of being corrected for not knowing something... Although, it's perfectly acceptable to just not know... I took a minute to let that really sink in and it made me stop to consider how I might encourage my children when the make mistakes. Instead of correcting them for everything that they get wrong.  To make the moment teachable instead of just about correction.

cont - Praying over my department and realizing that I needed to apologize to a co-worker, which I will have to follow up with later. Also, one of the ladies that I work with has a daughter a year younger than Sophie. Before my promotion we made plans to get the girls together. Then there was the promotion. Which wasn't a reason necessarily to change anything so we kept the date. Ethan was crushed because he loves horses and so I told him I'd take him back out some time. We made a date for 8/9 and today was that day. It was very peaceful. I felt the Lord tell me to have a day full of yes's with the kids. So, we picked apples in our own front yard to take to Amy's horses and picked an extra bag for another friend to make a pie. We had slurpees, fed the apples to Amy's horses and then rode one of them. Amy's mama emptied our bucket to fill with garden veggies. I gave Braylin our special rock. It just felt like a day that fully represented the verse on the back of it. How many times does God use us to show his kindness when we take our time and then go out of our way to stop and notice. I saw a former co-worker on the way home and gave her the other apples. Then when we were heading back, I was praying again over our department. I thought about how I might be able to spend time with the others that I work with. I am thankful for this consideration early on. I spoke about it with the kids. The whole day just felt like a good teachable moment. (Again it reminds me of another verse that I've been thinking about for the last few weeks, Colossians 4:2 "Devote yourselves to being prayerful and watchful and thankful!"  If you pray about it and wait and watch for it, you won't be able to help but be thankful.)

I'll consider this my first week and try to start posting weekly until the end of the challenge. Stay tuned.

Seeing God's Hand | Log

It's really too hard to write big posts about significant moments every day. Particularly because I work full time. However, I want to start looking for God's hand more on a day to day basis and because if I intend to write it down, I will be more intentional about looking for it. If I post them more regularly, they might not all make sense to you but by being intentional, I hope it keeps me looking...

7/13 - The plane ride & little boy, and then picture. See bottom of this post.

7/14 - The realization that I should be talking to my kids regularly about how I see God in my own life, in addition to study, devotion and prayer.

7/15 - My taxi driver here was a really sweet woman named Amanda. She entrusted me with some of her personal history in the car. It was incredibly humbling. We prayed together in the car and swapped information.  I felt like it was truly a divine intervention but I don't even think that I am aware of what all happened in our short time together. I felt God's presence when we were together.

7/16 - My text to Becky when she asked how the conference was going. [Doing well. Just taking it all in. I love how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. I think the last month or so was really taking a toll on me (with the changes in my job, the new study, family illness and a recent loss...) Not only was I worn out but also getting sick. The first few days here I have really felt awful physically. And yet God has made a place where I don't have to clean, or tend to anything. It's all pretty much taken care of. He knew EXACTLY WHEN I would need it most. I am grateful for the break. Even if the class is a little hard. I believe he will pull that together for me too. I miss the kids and the family but he even worked that out for their sake. (Rachel and some cousins are in town.) they always drop me like a hot potato when she's in... I'm glad it's helped to cushion things. And I can see some other silver linings brewing. ... I hope the same for you...? How are things in your end? And thanks for checking. Love ya!!]

7/18 - When I wrote "Seeing God's Hand" there was a verse at the end that I wanted to go back and write but I couldn't remember it. So I asked and slowly but surely, I was reminded... John 11:40.

7/19 - Realizing that Maybe my FB post and Alcohol post were really my decisions. As in something that I wanted to do for God. Why don't we just give ourselves permission to change our minds? :)

“’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything.”—1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love…For I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”—Galatians 5:13, 16

This post was from a week in July. By the time I've posted it, it's 8/7. I've made other notes since then about days but haven't written them all down. I think I might actually try to do a month of "logging" in August. Just to see what it might change for me. :)



This post is in a log format. For more information about what this is, read the top of this post.