To Be A False Prophet

I got the opportunity recently to attend a bible study on James with some friends outside of church. We used to attend study together regularly and it was good to see everyone again.  Since, I’ve been considering leading bible studies myself; it seemed like a good opportunity to see how someone else might lead a class like that.

I wasn’t able to attend all of the sessions because I had some previous commitments but I know that my "divine appointment" was scheduled for the night that we read James 4. Pretty much the minute that the Pastor started reading the word, I began to weep. I continued throughout the duration of class as the Pastor switched from testimony to verse and then testimony to verse again. When we stood up to pray, I will never forget the strong stream of tears that continued to drip onto my boots.

It might sound a little strange to explain it that way but I know that it was a holy experience. Friends consoled me with looks and hand holding. I wasn’t hurt, nor was I sad. A friend reminded me that tears were a cleansing of the spirit. At the end of class, I still couldn’t explain what on earth I was so moved by. It continued to puzzle me for days.

I asked God to tell me what on earth was happening. I thought that most of my reaction was toward the Pastor’s testimony, although I couldn’t personally identify with most of it.  I can’t even tell you much of what I heard that evening. What was it about his testimony that touched me?

On day three the words “testimony means something” satisfied that question. In the weeks leading up to this moment, I had been questioning if I should continue sharing my testimony. I just don’t feel like a preacher and I can’t seem to find a comfort level telling others how to be.  Is it an arrogance that I only talk about my own relationship? Those words (testimony means something) gave me my answer. We don’t have to have all the right words or even the same experiences to be moved by how God works in someone else's life. No matter what is said, it is a reminder that God is not just an eye in the sky, he is with us daily.  He is alive. HE touches people.

While I let that conviction settle, I also realized that in days since the class, I have peace. An unusual, strange, quiet, breath of peace.  While I have been practicing relaxing more, this seemed effortless and new.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say that it felt like a fog was lifted. I don’t recall ever feeling so clear.

What on earth happened in that class God? I get that testimony means something but why would knowing that bring me peace when I’ve already been sharing my own testimony. There must’ve been something in that chapter that I am missing.

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If you are not familiar with the 4^th chapter of James, it is a chapter that deals with pride. I have never considered myself a prideful person. (Except in how much I don't want to need help from anyone else.) I am happy for other’s successes and I don't mind being the first to apologize. I also recognize that like a puzzle, we are we all designed to be pieces of a complete body.

I never saw myself as a perfectionist because I made so many mistakes. I also leave so many things unfinished because I don’t have the time to make all things “perfect”. It strikes me on some level that maybe being a perfectionist is more about never being satisfied with what is done, not resting until… or always finding error with... Simply desiring perfection.

Maybe I would be relentless in perfecting things, if I had more time. I cringe because isn’t "desiring to be perfect", in some ways an aim to be like a God in my own mind. A desire to not need him. Would that make me an idol to myself? Gah!! I hesitate to ask this but do I even desire perfection more than I desire God?

I would guess that most of us recognize that a prideful person has some level of insecurity. Although, I wonder how many people that struggle with insecurity, also recognize it as a pride problem. In fact most of my life, I thought that they were quiet opposite. If you sit down to do a comparison of similarities many of their characteristics are indeed the same. 

In fact, the only real difference is the target of the negative attention. On one end of the pride spectrum the target of negative attention will be directed at others. On the other end of the target will be self. I found this self-exam that identifies characteristics of Pride verses Humility. Read through it slowly. Except, in the pride column, also consider it the “insecure” list. You might need to replace the word “others” with self. 

It’s a pretty eye-opening list, huh?

Both Pride and Insecurity are forms of egoism which means - excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance. They both deal directly with esteem and can be blinding. Let me even go so far as to call either a preoccupation with self that keeps us from having a proper perspective on God or others. Meaning that we can work in the Kingdom, we’re just not doing as much good as we think that we’re doing if we can’t let our own self image go long enough to focus on why we’re even here.

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I first read that comparison in 2/2012.  What was it that caused me to get it now?  If something struck a chord back then, I didn’t remember it. I’ve had thoughts about my insecurity before but why am I suddenly getting break through?  Is it because I am finally writing down everything that I am considering? -Mulling over each morsel again and again, rearranging words and thoughts until they complete a picture? Is it because I finally turned off everything else but God and I finally sought his full council instead of the council or approval of others? 

The Tuesday before that class, I heard “Spirit Song” for the first time by John Wimber. There’s a line “O let Him have the things that hold you”. -Not the things that I hold, but the things that hold me.  I lifted up a prayer. God remove anything from me that I don’t see. If it holds me, break it loose…

While our stories are not quite the same, I am reminded of the story of Saul. In Acts 9 verses 17-19 the Lord delivers him from a blindness and something like scales fell from his eyes. Suddenly, he was able to see. I can’t help but feel like the thing that held me was so big that it blinded me to its impact on my life and who I have been. Because it covered me, there wasn’t much escape by my own free will. Maybe that simply defines the expression “Strong Hold”. I had to surrender to God and let him peel back the layers and work it loose.

I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t that way. I have always worried about what someone else wanted or expected of me.  Then I would catch myself and say, “wait a minute, what do I want or what do I need?” I would then go the complete opposite direction.

It was really no wonder I was so awkward. This is the complete epitome of double-mindedness. I should’ve been asking all along, what does God want from me? What does he need me to do? Shouldn’t Jesus be the ONLY example that I compare myself to? Shouldn’t the holy-spirit and God be my main accountability partners?

You might have wondered why I titled this “To Be A False Prophet”. What does that have to do with the measure of pride or insecurity within us? I knew the 10 commandments. I was a believer in Christ.  I went to church regularly and had a kind of relationship with God. I was claiming what I wanted to be but I wasn’t letting go of what I was. My struggle with perfectionism, blinded me to grace that was already given. I have been a false prophet because how on earth could I ever expect anyone else to believe in my God, if even I couldn’t submit my own self (Mind AND Heart) to him?

And check this out- If we believe that God is good and that he is ALL powerful-  If we believe that everything that he makes has purpose and that he is not wasteful nor does he make mistakes. Why can we not accept that he knows what he's doing when he makes every single one of us?!?! Gosh, our thoughts can be such Blaspheme!!

While I do not think that I have all of those characteristics, the ones that I did have were deep. If others see a prideful person as insecure, I shudder to think how arrogant and prideful my  insecurity made me appear in front of others. How draining I must’ve been to them at times in order to satisfy my ego?

I am so thankful for good friendships and mentors and prayer warriors that persevere with me. Thank YOU. I am also thankful that God pointed that out to me before someone else got the chance to. Whew!

To see my interpretation of the associated scripture, click here.

Application Questions

If I put my heart on the scales, where would my measure faith verses measure of pride/insecurity fall?

Is my insecurity or pride bigger than anything or everything else in my life?

How might I give God Glory in my own life. Instead of focusing on my need to win the race am I willing to let him simply lead me though it?

Which one of these actions take up the most of my time or thought: How to get myself or others closer to God, how to help others or how to justify/rectify my own actions? 

Read the self exam do you identify with any of those prideful characteristics?  What if you label them as Insecurity and redirect those characteristics to self instead of others.

Click here, If you would like to read more characteristics about pride from another site, Revive Our Hearts. They have a lot of articles about Pride and Humility. In another article about Broken People there is also a list of the characteristics of Brokenness.

Just a thought because this might not always be the case but I am surprised by how many times women cry and simply write it off as hormones or some simple normalcy about being a woman.  Maybe the next time that you find yourself crying for no reason, ponder the entire moment.  Search your soul to see if maybe there really is a reason after all. Give yourself some time to pray and think about that answer and then write down all of those crazy little thoughts that go with it.