Consumption | Notes

So for a while now I've been feeling like I should give up alcohol. I have simply been reluctant.  I've never tolerated liquor well so that wasn't an issue for me. I was always a beer girl. I genuinely like it for the taste. -ice.cold.beer. on a hot summer day? Yes, please.

For most of my drinking life a couple of beers here and there or at a special event was enough. However, the summer before I became pregnant with Sophie. Work was intense. I'd just come home in the evening and think that I just needed something to take the edge off. "To unwind". The next thing I knew I was happier drinking than eating. It became easy for me to consume a six pack a night all by myself. I'd stumble to bed. Pass out and then repeat the same pattern the next day.

Thankfully, I became pregnant with Miss Priss and I had to cut that off. As it turns out I had developed a wheat allergy between Ethan and Sophie and most beer contains wheat. After Sophie, I became more aware of my sensitivity to it.  The wheat free brands are pretty disgusting. So, that made it easier to reduce the amount of beer that I consumed but I missed it. I guess that the depth of my grievance over it should've been a sign that I had some sort of problem. -Even if I didn't show all of the signs.

Instead- and as ridiculous as this sounds; I forced myself to find a wine I liked instead.  It actually took a lot of practice. I tried many that I didn't like in order to find ones that I did... As it turns out, I only seem to like French ones. Before I knew it I had a new staple. I didn't drink every day or anything like that but when I needed to unwind, I had a new "go to"...

Somewhere in there, I was getting the idea that God might not want me to drink something or at sometimes but it's kind of easy to shrug that off when we want to justify our own behaviors and habits. Just as I started to document some of these little things I thought that God was telling me; I finally found a set of wine glasses that I really liked. -and I DO have a thing for pretty dishes! Of course it's only fun to have them if I use them. So, I hung onto my new habit just a little bit longer.

Now here it is years later. I've carried these notes around various places. I have finally compiled them last year thinking that if I put them on the blog, the next time that I was tempted, I could pull up the list and remind myself.... Boy was I surprised at how much my notes added up to! I never published them on the blog because it was just a list and I felt like I needed to offer something more with it but I just wasn't sure what that was... In hindsight, maybe the post was missing my struggle.

So, instead I made a few rules to "only have a glass or two" or "only at family dinner". Only to regret and grieve over it again later... 

Then it started keeping me up at night...

It's a funny thing; I've wrestled with admitting it because I didn't want to talk about it. I've decided recently that I really need to move forward. God has shown me so many times that my obedience won't always make sense but he is faithful to help me understand it later. Last night, I refused a glass of wine like so many times before and instead of talking about God, I simply said it's been keeping me up at night.

I know this will sound really condemning. I just don't know how to word it as I mull it over. This morning, I thought about Peter. God asked him 3 times if he loved him. (How many times must he ask me to put down booze?) And Peter was the same one to deny him. Here I am telling people that my change is because of sleep instead of God. I wonder if all of this time, it's been such a struggle because I just haven't been truthful about the work that God is doing in this area. I just wasn't ready to admit that God wanted me to let it go. So, in all of my other excuses, I couldn't fight it successfully because I wasn't open about it. Of course I am still trying to figure this out and so my answer would also be pretty loaded... My reference to sleep just sounded... simpler.

Thankfully, just this morning I see the verse in James 5:16 that says if we confess our sins to God and to others and pray over each other then we can be healed. I just feel ready to admit this current weakness. I feel strong enough to say, I just don't have all of the answers. This is where I am and what I am figuring out and won't you pray with me!? Please and thank you.  Here are some of those nifty little notes below.  (This is one of the many reasons that I support journaling. It's easy to shrug one or two off but seeing them all together makes a completely different statement.)


The List

• I feel a lot of conviction about being a leader. I frequently run across verses, articles, books about leadership. I am not sure where all that applies. Maybe it's only in my role of motherhood or my position at work, in the church or just alongside a friend.  It doesn't matter where; I am starting to really pay attention to all of those promptings. So you will see a few references to leadership in here. The first is, Proverbs 31:4 “It is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer.” The commentary says that "Leaders have better things to do than anesthetize themselves with alcohol.
• 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  "Buzzing or Drunkenness" is not sober-minded. I would also like to add that in some forms of alcohol, I have found myself foggy headed for days after. -Not drunk but just unable to think clearly or concentrate. I believe that to be related to food allergies or chemical properties in some alcohol. (Also consider sobriety in terms of drugs use and even from a lack of sleep. )
• Is what I am doing a stumbling block to anyone else? Is it confusing to others?
• Some alcohol interferes with my sleep. It might have helped me pass out at first but it will not keep me asleep and I usually wake up feeling unrested.
• Being drunk weakens your defenses and affects your decisions. It makes us less reliable.
• Romans 12:1 "Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice".
• I also had a note by Judges 13 about Sampson being a Nazarite (Man of God). He was not to have alcohol or fermented drink. I am not sure that I could articulate this well and nor am I sure how long I've had a note about Sampson in chapter 13. Yet just this week a homework assignment led me to  answer this question. "Read Judges 16:51-21 - What resulted from Sampson's lack of self discipline?" My answer was that he lost his power and gift.  Immediately this area of my life came to mind. My lack of discipline with alcohol and or any/sin and this blog as my gift. Imagine my surprise when I came back to add it only to see a comment about Sampson already noted...  Maybe there is more to this.
• Proverbs 23 has several verses see "saying 16" and "saying 19". I had a note about "Disciples don't drink." But that is not from that verse or commentary. I am not sure why I had it there.
• If I drink too much alcohol, I feel puffy and bloated.
• Ephesians 5:18 says "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery" My commentary on that verse says "Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary "high," to being filled with the spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ we have better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony or tension. I love this part; We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but how much of us the Holy Spirit has."
• This is a big one- Feeling like I have to repent after!  If I wasn't doing anything wrong, why would I feel so much conviction about repentance? -Granted a lot of that might be about my motives or timing that led me to drinking.
• I have found myself disappointed to listen to other people that were drunk. Not even necessarily because they were violent or foul. It just wasn't the same or as attractive as listening to someone who was sober or themselves. I don't ever want my children to feel that way about me EVER.
• Recently following my own rules, I got wasted on 2 glasses of wine. -To the point that I don't even remember most of the evening. It wasn't intentional. I actually don't enjoy being drunk. This is just a reminder that we can't rely on rules or our plans or intentions.
• Health benefits. Moderation of alcohol. Paul to Timothy about being careful about not drinking too much. In his location there was poor water quality. Red Wine was believed to help clear out intestinal issues.  Even now, wine is believed to certain benefits if it is consumed within moderation (regarding cardiovascular, cancer and aging benefits.) I do understand that there are occasional pros...
• Matthew 6:33 says to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." Do you know how many times after a bad day, I would go to the fridge and open the door only to hear that verse whispered to my heart? The same is true for binging on chocolate or shopping when I needed a pick me up! God has the strength to meet all of our needs if we just go to HIM first.
• My sudden embarrassment about the idea of being caught in a picture with a beer in my hand or a glass of wine.  Especially, then posted to Facebook or something. There was a time when none of those things mattered to me but somehow it has become a new awareness....
• Psalm 4:7 says You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. True!
• Romans 14  is a great chapter. If you're confused about sin and why some can do this and why some can't do that, read this passage.
• Choosing not to do what you feel led to do becomes disobedience and that makes you less sensitive to the holy spirit.

Update 10/2/14

• A few weeks after this post, I asked God why on earth I needed to stop drinking, if I didn't believe that I had a real problem. Immediately, I received my most convicting thought. What if none of this is really about me? What if one of my children ends up struggling with a true problem in this area when they are older. Not necessarily because I drank but because they were exposed to it, they developed their own relationship with it too early on. I thought of my children and their response to it and to me when I drink. Immediately, I felt my decision complete itself and the desire to drink left me. I can tell you that since that moment, I have no longer grieved any part of this. Having the right conviction in my heart took me off the fence and put all of me on one side of that decision.

Update 8/26/2015 - I am proud to say that as of 7/21/2015 I have been sober for one year and counting!

This is all that I have for now. All of my posts are subject to more editing so there may be more to this later. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope it also speaks to you. :)