Two weeks ago, I went to an annual training for Living Light Ministries in Newport News, VA. Before the music was playing, I was already crying. That might not be a big deal but I have become very emotional or sensitive in the last few years and when I cry, it's not a little trickle, it's a flood. I know that there is something more to it than me just being "emotional". It was a confirmation.
Before the training takes place, Sharon Thomas gets up to give a little testimony from her own personal life. She tells a story about getting to the bottom of a tube of face soap and how God stretched it, her and her faith over an extended period of time. And she says "Through Christ, God has put more inside of us that what we can even imagine. Are you willing to squeeze your life a little bit so that God can get more out of it?" Yes, Sharon. I am! I've been squeezing. God's been squeezing. I know there is more! -Confirmation.
So this ministry is actually a group of 3 sub ministries. Cherished, is a ministry focused on women in the sex industry. Jail friends is a friendship ministry to women that are currently incarcerated. Building Bridges with Books is a ministry that helps women, who are in jail, bond with their children through books.
We listened to each of the leaders describe each of their ministries and how each of outreach has grown over the past year. Because this is a ministry, it is important for all volunteers and leaders to stay in bible study and to memorize scripture. All the leaders & volunteers of the Jail ministries stand up and read a chunk (not a verse) that they have memorized. It sounded like most of Philippians 3. I read Philippians 1 that morning and Philippians 2 the day before. It could've been coincidence but -It hit me like a confirmation.
[Bunny trail]
I've also been at a cross road with my job. Not only was I promoted last year to a management position but it has somewhat led to a crossroad of self. I knew that I was supposed to take it but also knew that it was the end of me either at the bank or as I know myself. That feeling has continued to bubble up as the path unfolded. Then just this summer I hit a place where I suddenly knew that I had to quit. I even told my Supervisors. But at I sit at the intersection of "quit", I also see the sign "not yet".
It has led me to seriously soul search, pray and dream with God. It has led me to work with HR and my managers. It has led me to attend a Christian based counselor and I have even begun the process of being tested for ADHD because of some of my struggles in this new position.
So just this week in the first phase of the ADHD test, I sat with a counselor who reviewed my childhood history. I want to preface this by saying that I resist talking about others in my life on this blog because I don't ever want to paint someone else in any kind of light that might be un-glorifying to them. -Especially when there are other details far more worthy of being shared. (Like how much we've all grown since these events!) But in order to get this, like it got me; I will need to share a little of it.
As a child, I moved nearly every 3 months. I went to 18 schools between 4th grade and my senior year (and that includes skipping a grade). My father was in the Navy and out to sea for years on end but because of his upbringing he didn't know how to connect with me and so we went YEARS without speaking, writing or any kind of contact. My mother who also, because of her upbringing, and who also may have experienced a nervous breakdown in my early childhood, was also not able to be available to me; sometimes emotionally but sometimes also physically. Then by the time that I was in high school, she too, attended a job out of state with my step father.
I was an only child and so not being able to speak or even see people that you live with, particularly at such a young age (elementary school), it made it difficult to connect, communicate, or feel loved or worthy, yada, yada. The rest of my family was a thousand miles away. There was no one else around. I made friends easily but had trouble staying connected to anyone and anything. While I blame moving, I don't think it was because of any one thing or something that was or wasn't done. Please know that it wasn't because my parents didn't try or didn't want to but-
As an adult it has skewed the way that I connect with others. In that sometimes I connect too closely, even in awkward gushes or maybe inappropriately to some (even complete strangers) while not being able to connect fully or consistently in some ways to others. (Like sometimes even with members of my own family.) (I'm not labeling here. It's just a tendency.)
So this counselor says that some of the things on my report cards like "talks too much" and "poor reading comprehension" and "fidgets"; yes, they are symptoms of ADHD that present usually in elementary school BUT sometimes children in chaotic environments show all of those symptoms even though they are not ADHD because they have trouble regulating themselves. You learn how to regulate from your parents. And well, I just don't remember seeing much of mine. We talked about a book called Attachments and about how sometimes those early connections and attachments continue their rhythms even as adults; even if or after we make peace with the past. Sometimes...
Suddenly the last year flashed before my eyes-
As an adult I forced myself to be rooted in so many things because I wanted to connect to something FOR GOOD. In this last year, I felt God lead me away from a church that I have been at for 10 years. He led me from a position that I have held for 12 and possibly a career that I've held for 14. I lost my oldest dog and cat. (I had never had a pet that we kept until it died.) I lost one of the dearest, kindest, heroes, anchors and blessings that any family could have. And I've even gone through a new loss with my mother as she goes through her own radical journey. Just as it seemed we were making momentum in our own relationship; she returned to Florida to embrace her roots. This is something that I know she needs to do.
Then on top of that it has been a season of flat out chaos. It is no wonder that I feel like I am falling apart and can't keep myself together. God is poking around in one of the most tender places of me, breaking all of those legalistic things that I needed to hold onto and breaking connections that I needed to make so that I can learn to hold onto him instead.
I mean really- WHO and WHAT are we to be attached to anyway???
And EVEN NOW, with every one of those connections breaking, that little piece of me comes back that cannot regulate my response to what is happening. Even the things on my report card are coming back like, talking too much, fidgeting, and not being able to remember or pay attention... haha. -Crying and getting angry in all the wrong places. Getting my words so mixed up that I say something so contrary or not even on the same page as what I want to say; feeling so awkward that it just spills out without my own knowing that it might happen.
Oh man, a little validation and con-fir-ma-tion!
[End bunny Trail]
So as I listen to the women describe these breakout sessions, it sounds like the Book ministry started to take off about last fall. It was last fall that I first discovered and wanted to attend this training. Life was just too stinking busy! hmmm confirmation?
What you don't know about this ministry is that in some of these jails, children under the age of 16 are not permitted inside. Even for visitation if their mother is incarcerated. Read that again! Heartbreaking!
This ministry takes NEW books to these women. They get to pick which ones they'd like to read. Then we record mothers reading them. We burn it onto a cd and then mail it to their children so that those babies can hear their mama's voices.
And well, I've had this knowing that I need to do something in grief related studies (like post abortion and sexual abuse studies that I've led). Needing something to humble me as a mother so that I can connect even more with my children. I saw myself suddenly as a child that longed to touch her mother being able to help a mother make that connection with her child. And maybe somehow being able to help one of those women look into her own grief to find this same God I am getting to know.
I was reduced to a pool of tears and confirmation.
Stefani, the Leader of this ministry, read her anchor verse from Isaiah 61:1-3 and when she got to the piece about the Oaks of Righteousness- well, if you know me at all; you know that I have a thing for trees. Confirmation.
But also in this season of dreaming with God as I have considered writing greeting cards; blending my love for good corny cheer with the sword of scripture in order to encourage someone else in their dark place; I have also started writing a children's book about trees and she referenced a verse that I was considering putting in the closing pages. -Could that be another confirmation?!
But then I look up and what do I see above her head but a message on a white board about trusting God. A message that he is recently been telling me again and again.
Confirmation!
***
You know it's hard to try and tell someone "I heard this..." or "I know this...." -Especially when it's not like finding a rock in the front yard and physically being able to show someone the shape and size; so that they can hold it for themselves. (Anyone can see the same words in scripture, right?)
I also realize that it sounds like a bunch of weird signs and coincidences that I maybe forced to add up to this perfect conclusion. And just for the record, I don't recall ever hearing an audible "go and do this" from the Lord.
But if I tried to explain it-
One of my favorite movies is The Family Stone. There is this scene where Dermot Mulroney (Everett) and Clair Danes (Julie) are talking. She tells him a story about a guy in Alaska that carved an amazing totem pole, he felt called to do it, saying that he felt like he had a hole in his heart and it was something that he needed to do in order to sleep at night.
And well, sometimes, it's the hole in the heart that calls. You might not know about totem poles or grief or book ministries or even x, y or z. You might not even know exactly what it is that calls. You can stuff that hole with hobbies and purchases or sedatives and it will still twist like the pea under the princess, keeping you from rest. -Or you can give it to God (and let him in) and still move forward in some way that might glorify him, even if it's still only hobbies and doing something. The difference is that when you allow God in, even the twisting is different when you know that someone is in it with you.
As for me, I felt led to take the promotion. There were a lot of things that I didn't know how to do. I tried to fill the space with more practice, more responsibility and trying different things all geared around the job. I felt a hole but maybe I confused it with the inadequacy that I felt in that position. Something else was calling and the hole was stretching to reach it.
2 things stopped the ache.
The first was that I verbally said "I quit". Whether that was just permission to myself to let go of how I would fit the mold or a step in faith that really leads to quitting, I am not sure. -But I had to be ready to do it and the words had to leave my mouth. He may very well have just wanted to see if I was willing to give up one of my roots for one of his.
The second thing that I did was contact Established Footsteps ministry. It was the first call that I made and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think that I was quitting because I wasn't sure how I could squeeze in one more thing.
While I have ideas, I don't really know the sum of those 2 things together. But if you follow that whisper- (you will still make mistakes and struggle with time). BUT WHEN you seek the Lord, HE puts it together when you get to that junction that he needed you to be at. Then he will bring out all of these confirmations like tidbits that you've collected along the way. Then he will suddenly present them in a new order, like he rearranged a room with the pieces from your basement. You recognize every single piece and you just know....
When that happens, it stills storm to a whisper and satisfies the thirsty.
In fact if you go all the way back to a verse in that 3rd chapter of Philippians where this started, you will see:
"What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ."
Yes, he really is that good!
If you're being squeezed friend and having trouble knowing which end is up; just keep seeking God. You might even ask if one area of your life is out of balance. Are you unintentionally giving more attention to one area of your life while perhaps even something else is calling? Give that to God and press forward in those areas. I bet you're closer than you think!
My Tuesday Challenge for next week will actually be 8 pages of Daily Devotions that I received from this training. So check back early next week and you can start before Tuesday. :)
P.S. If you haven't seen that movie, it might not be appropriate for everyone. It has language and some scenes that are definitely not for family viewing. I'm not into raunchy films and this one isn't raunchy but there are some scenes that make me flinch just thinking about them and it's been a while since I have seen it.
Credits:
I actually hijacked the description for the movie from cinemacatechesis.wordpress.com
Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/163607398939677190/
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