One night earlier this week, I came home to Colin not feeling well and already asleep on the couch for the evening. Sadly, this isn’t unusual. His parents called because he didn’t put their 4-Wheeler back up when he was finished with it. I tried to wake him. “Later” he replied.
Knowing that he’s a man that likes warning, I told him that I’d wake him in an hour to go take care of it. The hour came. I woke him up. Irritated, he got the phone and said “I will call him”. I thought he went outside to smoke and tell his Dad that he was on his way. –Instead he went to bed and I’m not even sure that he called his dad. No “goodnight”. No “I ain’t doing it”. Nothing.
My feather’s ruffled.
(I had to include it, it just makes me laugh.)
This is an area of struggle for me. For one, I struggle with people pleasing. Especially when it comes to things that ‘I’ think are important. This is an area where I would be a martyr and “take care of it myself.” Except that I’ve never driven a 4-wheeler down 2 boards in the back of a truck. AND it was dark AND I was irritated. AND I have 2 boys that would lose their mind wanting to do it with me. I just wasn’t comfortable. (Can I just praise God here? This is an area that I have grown so much in. There is a time when I would’ve gone and done it myself anyway! And I can promise you from experience that the bad would’ve gotten ugly.)
If I am not careful, I can start trying to compare our actions and then I wind up judging him and giving a good foundation to anger, which is what started here. You see, I was raised to take care of your things. And especially to take care of things that belong to someone else! A 4-wheeler is expensive and I can’t replace it. It has been difficult for me to not judge him for having different opinions or motives. In his mind it’s made for water and mud. Rain won’t bother it. It wasn't a matter of "caring" or "respect", he was looking at the facts. I suppose he had a good point….
Also, I struggle with the fact that he doesn’t look sick. He doesn’t have cuts or bruises. He doesn’t walk with a limp or have any obvious signs of something being wrong. The things that I’ve read about with Neuropathy are terrible. The pain is 24/7 and excruciating. And in all seriousness, people can lose their legs over this. You take seizure meds to tell your brain that you’re not in pain. And some patients, like my husband, choose to also have stimulators implanted because adding a new pain (electronic stimulus) might help make the other one better. (hmmmm?)
And yet, sometimes I am immune to his sickness because he IS sick 24/7.
If that statement made you flinch at the harshness. Imagine being the wife who says it.
Imagine being her husband.
I flinch at the hardness of my own heart. -A woman that vowed to love AND protect him. –To cherish him. In sickness and in health. A woman that looks at what she thinks her love is verses what God says it should be and cringes because even her BEST human effort will fail to ever compare to God’s incredible standard.
But while it is harsh, it is my truth and it’s my confession. Sometimes, I am immune and even resistant to helping and being empathetic toward my own husband. And I am his helper.
Thanks again Lord for giving me a beautiful guide that will help me grow UPRIGHT.
And in that conviction, let’s just look at his side for a moment. This event just happened to be on that really cold day that we had this past week. He works outside, in the freezing cold [conditions, I won’t work in], IN PAIN. And your metabolism spikes up to stay warm. I KNOW he had to be exhausted. But still I just want to keep putting ‘I’ first… sigh.
And the 4-wheeler was out because he was spending time with our children. Something that I pray to God that he will continue to do no matter how he feels. (So Thank you Lord for answering another prayer!)
Anyway, the next morning, I sat down to answer some of the scripture questions in the Power of a Praying Wife Study Guide. I begin with question 9. Really God?? You’re SO funny.
“Do you have any anger, unforgiveness, hurt or disappointment toward your husband?” I tap my pen to think of the nicest way to dance around this question. But it’s blaring at me. Like it has its own eyes and I can’t avoid its stare.
Meanwhile, Colin gets up. He’s sitting on the couch. Trying to greet me and talk to me. I want to give him the cold shoulder so he knows that I am irritated. But in that exact moment, I am being convicted of my wrong actions and having to write a prayer about them. But the prayer is asking God to change me and I can't hold my grudge and change at the same time. I finally had to give in and repent. I also went to the Colin and apologized.
I once heard that an apology with an excuse isn’t an apology at all. Try apologizing without explaining or defending your side. It’s hard. Don’t you want the other person to know “your why”? I’m pretty sure I still slipped some of my side in. But we left in peace and he put the 4-wheeler up that afternoon.
But in my reflection, can I just tell you how hard that night was. To be bottled up and irritated for something that I probably won’t even think about in 10 years. (It’s probably why that handy guide says to not even let the tiniest drop of anger stick around. It will make both of you miserable. For nothing!)
Then it was hard again to admit when I typed it out. (But that’s what I LOVE about Bible Study and meditating on scripture).
Own who you are so God can show you who you can be.
Own who you are so God can show you who you can be.
And again, it is hard to share it with others. Truthfully, I almost didn’t. I’ve prayed about it all week. I don’t want people to see that side of him. I mean, I don’t want people to see that side of me either. But I have to talk about him, in order to talk about me and I don’t want to ever hurt him in that process.
To be honest, others in our family and friends comment to me about things that they think that he should be doing and it hurts me. I definitely don’t want to add to it. I chose this study so that I could overcome myself for HIM. –Both of them!
James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”. You are the righteousness of God. Woman pray for yourself and your husband!
And 1 Corinthians 7:14 says that even though my husband might still be an unbeliever, he is sanctified through me.
I want to confess the things that hold him captive and break those strong holds. And of course I want his healing. But I also want to confess my actions and have God grow me in the glorifying ways that only he can. Then maybe I can help my husband up.
I know that I am not the only one who struggles in this area. YOU are not alone. –And scripture promises us that the TRUTH will set us free. And it is only God’s truth that frees mine to be… different. Upright. Dare I say Holy?!
So my prayer in Chapter one is that God will hide the sin of my own inequity from my husband. Yet uncover glory in His wondrous way between us. And in Jesus name break anything that tries to wiggle in.
So now, I am giving it to God. I am so thankful for how far we have grown in this area during our marriage. –But I can’t wait to be able to share with someone later on, the wisdom that I gleaned, after we have gotten through it.
I extend that prayer also to you and yours! Amen and Amen!
Photo Credits:
Praying wife: http://www.rpmministries.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Prayer-Confession1.png
Owl: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/02/article-2138367-12E257FF000005DC-866_634x324.jpg
Owl: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/02/article-2138367-12E257FF000005DC-866_634x324.jpg
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