The events that I am getting ready to share aren’t exactly what sent me to recovery. I was struggling with anger and so I sought counseling. The insight that I gained and the decisions that I made as a result of counseling led me to attend Celebrate Recovery.
While I feel that I have things to share from beginning my journey, I won’t dare say that I am finished with it or anything like that. I’ve got a long way to go and ‘recovery’ is really more of a lifestyle and an ongoing effort moving forward.
But there are a few things that have surprised me about my journey so far.
The first is that childhood stuff comes back.
We all have those stories or memories, now don’t we?!
I always thought that those things ‘came back’ until you forgave them, or dealt with it, or whatever. Then they were ‘done’. It turns out that even when you think you’ve made peace, it can still hold you hostage. By that, I mean, that it has become a part of the mold that holds you (parts of you, the whole you, or the real you) in. We’re oblivious to the little ways we’ve learned to trap ourselves thinking that we’re keeping ourselves or others safe, or by thinking that we can control outcomes.
Um, we can… but I don’t think it works like we think it does.
As for me and that childhood stuff, well here are just a few examples:
On an ordinary day when I was about 7 or 8, I asked permission to get something. It wasn’t anything unusual. Most of us would have it (or something similar) in our day to day. When permission was granted, I got what I wanted but also pulled a typical kid move, and got something a little different than what I asked for. (Of course, pretending that ‘I didn’t know the difference…’)
Now in the grand scheme of things it was something that most of us would never think another thing about. But for whatever reason, it led into a pretty long and violent event within a few minutes between other individuals. I wasn’t the target and I didn’t see the whole thing. But I definitely watched part of it and heard it all. The parts that I was exposed to was certainly enough and too much for my little mind or spirit.
It could have been days or weeks later (but to me it was the very next day) that my parents sat me down to tell me that they were getting a divorce. For years, I was convinced that I had caused all of these terrible things to happen because I got something that I wanted but really didn’t need.
Later on, I thought that I did a good job of working through it because as a teenager, I forgave the people involved. I even excused myself from the responsibility of all parts except the initial decision to get something different than what I asked for. I forgave myself for that part too. I didn’t harbor any feelings about it (or so I thought). I didn’t ‘go back there’ and if for some reason I did, there weren’t any reactions or feelings to it. It sucked. But that was a fact. We’re ALL human. We’re sinners. We hurt and we hurt others. It ‘was what it was’.
That is until it popped up in recovery.
It was then that I realized that this single incident was the first event that made me never want to inflict such pain on another human being with my choices again. There wasn’t anything that I needed or wanted bad enough to take that kind of chance. So, I guess I started building this ‘tough girl’ façade and tucking away little parts of me underneath.
Now in all of my 8-year-old wisdom, I am certain that the decision wasn’t across the board. But other events continued to shape me in this area. And while I may not know the cause of each of my decisions, I continued to seal off parts of myself. Here are a just few more examples:
In 5th grade, I changed my name to ‘Reggie’. Partially because no one could pronounce my family name ‘Lucie’nne’. (Reggie is short for my first name, Regina). But as it turns out, in hindsight, there were two other events in that exact same season that wounded me deeply and I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wonder if my mind tricked me into changing my name for practical reasons and disguising my ache to become different. Thus tucking away another piece.
Later on, in high school, the grunge era came into play. If you categorized me by look, I do not think you’d ever classify me as grunge, but I wore layers, and flannel shirts, and darker colors. As strange as it sounds, much of it was boys clothing. Shirts, pants, even tighty-whiteys (which happen to be crazy comfortable, by the way).
I have always been more of a tomboy and this may not have been anything other than a girl exploring styles and comfort. But it was uniquely timed again with something else that threatened my own sexuality. I may not have been equipped enough to know how to handle it. So, I wonder again, if I subconsciously chose to cover up.
A little after high school, I wrote a poem. At the time I was proud of my creativity and I never really took it to be more than a smart collection of words that I captured by pen. However, very plainly now, I can see the inventory of what I literally ‘packed up’ during another angry and lost period of my life.
It was as if subconsciously, I had decided that who I was, even when I wasn’t trying to do anything different or to be anything special, kept bumping into these yucky circumstances. And I somehow internalized and translated all of it to mean that I must not have been handling ‘me’ very well. (Hmmm, the root of fear of failure).
As I got older, there would be similar experiences and reactions where I would do this again, and again, and again.
I am sure that if you pause for a moment now, some event(s) from your own life, will flutter to the surface in similarity, even if the defining moments or your response wasn’t the same. There are layers that shaped you, which changed your beliefs about yourself and how you interacted with the world around you.
I am kind of new to this concept, but I think it’s this layering that becomes our masks, known as ego so that others do not see who we are. -The parts of our pride and insecurity where we think that we have to be or become something other than what we are, in order to keep the peace, make others comfortable, or to obtain a certain status.
I won’t dare say that I know enough about ego or recovery to pinpoint how we get there, how we recognize our need for recovery, get a breakthrough, or how we get out of the ego and into our true spirit. But we all have these events and these masks whether or not we ever meant to pick them up or chose consciously put them on.
We might even convince ourselves that this ‘self-mastery’ is some sort of selflessness or strength. -And in some ways, I guess it is… Die to self, right?
Um, I don’t think that’s what scripture meant….
The second thing that surprised me in recovery was not necessarily the pain that I caused others or that others have caused me. I knew those things were there. I felt their sting. I’ve done my best to work with them, and through them thus far, at every opportunity, even before I joined a recovery group.
I was, however, completely sideswiped by how much pain I had caused myself, doing all of that ‘covering up’ that I’ve mentioned above…. SUDDENLY there was this gaping hole that filled up my insides. Like this life that I carefully, picked out, controlled, and pinned down, was ripped away and it snatched all of these layers off that were somehow rooted and entangled inside.
Emotionally, there was nothing in me, of me, that I could recognize, join, reattach, or put together on my own.
It was this gaping hole of Lucie’nne.
Now, this part is hard to explain because ‘gaping hole’ makes it sound like I was never true to myself or ‘always’ neglectful. That’s not what I mean either… I came out of my shell plenty. It was kind of like a subtle undertone that always lingered beneath the surface, questioning many of my moves.
But I was very diligent in taking care of the things that I needed. I exercised. I had a hobby or two. I practiced my faith. I have a healthy social life. I attended and led all kinds of classes, not just limited to Bible Studies. I usually tried things that I wanted to try. Over the years, I even started establishing hard boundaries and started speaking up for myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone; and asking and negotiating things that I wanted.
But for who I was personally and spiritually, I never gave that girl enough credit. –Dismissing my own instincts and intuitions. I always sort of felt like everyone else knew better than me… - Not even realizing how self-deprecating that was. I thought I was just ‘being honest’, maybe even humble, about my role in things.
It’s kind of easy to see from this perspective that all of those little decisions that I made as a child from not feeling good enough, became trappings as I grew older. Barriers that I protected and even fought for.
While I may have been growing in these areas as I got older, my reasons for neglecting myself shifted. I may have been getting stronger but I was also busier. I didn’t really notice something missing that I never really established. I just transitioned to ignoring myself for different reasons. But that was what I knew.
In counseling, I discovered that I was codependent. Of course, I had come a long way (thank God) by the time I learned this label. But for me, I often understood others better than I understood myself. I even felt more responsible for others needs and feelings, rather than my own.
Suddenly at 39 and in recovery, I became very aware of how little I knew myself. Ahem, the only person that I have spent my whole life with. And this gaping hole…. that I had allowed in myself…. Well, I just can’t explain that kind of hurt. –But hurt, it did.
It was like I cheated on myself with that ego or others; like I cheated my spirit out of who she was created to be. (And if it sounds weird to read it, trust that it sounds just as weird to say it. Whatever has been going on with me hasn’t fully settled yet.)
But even though I was cramming a lot of new and good stuff in, the container itself wasn’t the right fit anymore.
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Yet, I tried so hard to keep my life ‘tidy’…
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Before recovery, I was desperate for a solution, and trying everything, to soothe this magma bubbling up on the inside, to no avail.
–And really, I swear it was God putting the squeeze on that mold trying to break me out. All I could feel was the frustration and growing tension within.
It took almost every area of my life needing to get hit at once, in order to break that shell and my pride.
And I was oblivious. I simply had no idea that I was so rooted…
I mean, I knew there was an issue. I knew God was trying to get my attention. I could feel it. I was going deeper and deeper in, trying to get to the bottom of it. -Frantically even. As the restlessness grew, so did my obsession. –Looking in for the solution (with scripture of course).
But Isaiah 43:1 says:
‘I have called you by name and you are mine.’
He knows who we really are and who he created us to be.
He knows who we really are and who he created us to be.
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The bubbling rising as I was growing was because he was calling me out, not just in.
So what about you?
Is it possible that the tension you’re feeling is because God is trying to call you out or your soul is begging to be free? If so the pressure will only build until you can’t hold it together anymore.
It’s a good thing you can join him now. It’s a good thing there is recovery.
- There is an in-depth Step Study for Celebrate Recovery, which is what I attended. The men and women have their own classes. Both just started and you can still join but only for a few more weeks.
- Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm
- Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm
- In the meantime, practice carving some time out for yourself – even if it’s only 15 minutes here and there to sit and do nothing. -To let life catch up with you. -To let God handle things. You can practice meditating on his word or meditating by being still.
- Maybe ask yourself what things you’re protecting? Is there something that you won’t talk about because you can’t bear the thought of being found out? –Or because you don’t want to sound terrible? –Or because you don’t want to make other people look terrible? What are you shielding that’s keeping you confined?
- You might even learn a few interesting correlations if you consider events where you significantly changed something about yourself, to see if they lined up with some other event in your life that had a significant impact. Molded.
Remember that passage about the truth setting us free? –Imagine being yourself and being comfortable with it. Even in a mess and knowing what you know about you. Imagine being able to breathe again. You might not even know if you’re not doing either of those things to full capacity. So imagine being even more authentic, whole, and healed. Imagine Peace. Imagine being able to breathe easier.
It’s what he promises….(John 10:10, John 16:33)
This Step Study is a STEP that helps you get there. It’s your move.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I took my first steps.
I am praying with you.
I am praying with you.
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