8/17/14 - I can't seem to find the words to say it eloquently but a lot of things have been on my mind lately around the subject of suicide. We've recently had our family affected by two different losses. A co-worker also lost a member of her family and then of course the recent loss of Robin Williams. It drives me crazy hearing people talk about how selfish it is. While in so many ways that it may be so, there is an agony or torment on the other side that most would never be able to understand. That doesn't make it okay but it is the truth.
When I was in high school, I struggled with my own thoughts about suicide. Contrary to what most people think, I didn't want to die. I actually wanted to live. Just not in the circumstances that I was in and I was unable to change any of them. You don't want to talk to your friends because you want to be strong and to cope and well, you don't want to bring anyone else down... When I started day dreaming about how I might take my own life, I sought help. While I can't remember quite how everything played out then, ultimately it was only Jesus Christ that saved me from that area of my life and then from so many other places.
Either way, this morning, I sat looking at the computer screen, reading about Robin Williams. Two other people were heavy on my heart. When I started researching symptoms, I was alarmed at how many symptoms they both shared. A medication that they were both on was also noted for causing some of them.
Sadly at least one of them was on more than one medication that had been linked to suicide. It's hard enough trying to fathom being suicidal in the first place. Then having a medication, help drive the car just... It made my heart twist to think about it.
Later in the morning, I sat in church service, and listened to the preacher talk also about suicide and loneliness. It dug up an assortment of things in me and while I tried not to be angry, I just couldn't seem to hold it in. I'm not even sure what I was angry about but the whole day just seemed to rub me wrong. I regressed in some areas that I feel I've grown in. The harder I tried, the worse I seemed to respond... That's really the only summary that I have for this day.
8/18/14 - My unrest above ended up continuing on for the remainder of the week. I thought about my own experiences with depression and other issues. It reconfirmed that my desire to try to help, if at all possible with my own experiences.
8/19/14 - Praying to be someone worth following when most of you doesn't want to be followed. It produces some Jeckyll/Hyde affect in me. I think about motherhood and how I never really wanted children. I grew up saying I get married and have kids. If I had kids, I'd have a lot. When it came down to being married though, I suddenly realized that I was perfectly okay with never having them. I'd adopt puppies and learn about various hobbies and do whatever I pleased.
When I got pregnant I became terrified that I might not like the baby when it was born or what if I totally stunk at motherhood?? When the second child came a long, I was afraid that I'd never be able to love it as much as the first. By baby number three, I had the same fears but I knew better. We'd all make mistakes but we'd all be okay and we'd all love each other as we should.
I think about how much parenting has made me go beyond myself. Not in ways that I give because sometimes I just don't give enough. -But in how much it's made me grow beyond what I thought I could be or wanted to be, etc. How much my children make me want to be a better example. -Someone worth following. Someone they are proud of. Not because I am "awesome" but because they learned something that served them well, from me.
And here I am again with my job, I struggle with that same conflict. Man, I struggled years ago when it was offered. I feel so whiny as I begin this transition. I have such an incredible opportunity and yet I find myself having to think so differently and my flesh just seems to fight me. I think about the chapter of Romans 7 verses 7-25. When it talks about the old nature and new nature, the spirit and the law. How they all wrestle inside. My commentary on 7:1 says that "The sinner is condemned by the law. The law keeper cannot live up to it and the person with the new nature finds his or her obedience to the law sabotaged by the effects of the old nature." I feel relief for my behavior on Sunday, today, everyday... The battle with in...
I am thankful to work with such an incredible group of people. I am thankful to be entrusted to have such an opportunity. Like becoming a new mother, I am thankful for the things that I will learn from this new path. I am thankful for another opportunity that can/will grow me so profoundly. I pray the same prayer that I started with... to help me be someone worth following. To have the concrete broken around my feet when I cannot move. Let me always be reminded of the victory that comes on the other side when I listen to my heart when God speaks and when I keep turned toward the love of others. It saves me every time...
8/20/14 - I ran out of coffee at the house. I dug through a bowl of change to get money for a treasured latte. (I lost my debit card and I never carry cash.) As I sat in the drive through I remembered that my sitter loves Starbucks. I asked God to let me find five more dollars if he wanted to bless her too. I slipped my hand in my purse and the very first thing my hand landed on in that boat of a purse was a five dollar bill. And let me remind you that I am so certain that I didn't have cash in there that I was digging through the change bowl...
8/21/14 - I met a retired nun today and we traded numbers and the curiosity of what she could tell me was almost too much. I love that when I meet people, sometimes I feel (as ridiculous as this sounds) like our souls click or have some other conversation that the rest of our physical bodies aren't privy to. I can't explain it and I could almost miss it if I didn't stop to it happen but... it happened today and even if she and I don't develop a friendship, I am thankful that we met.
Another post (unrelated to the above) called "not of this earth" may come soon.If only I have time to write it.
8/22/14 - Redeemed
8/23/14 - I spoke to one of the people that had been on my heart since Sunday. I didn't really ask any questions. When I had a small window, I explained the article, how it affects me and what I saw that connected all of that with this person. I found some comfort in this conversation and of course relief having at least expressed my heart.
***
I hate that I posted this late. Most of it was drafted by Saturday. I really wanted to rework the whole thing. -Whatever started on Sunday, continued on throughout the rest of the week though. I found myself flooded with words and no time to write them and burdened with a heaviness that I didn't understand. A lot of people told me I seemed off but I could've told them that too. I know the answer will come in time.... I just will just have to pray my way through it and hope for discernment. I think of that song "Lord move or move me..." That about sums up this week.
No comments:
Post a Comment