Storms come into each of our lives in a
variety of ways and in many different seasons.
If you’re in one now, my heart aches for you. I know what it’s like to
feel like you’re falling apart. Like, even your best efforts are failing you.
You’re overwhelmed with emotions and life circumstances be it; sickness, job
change, status change or a simple cross road or even worse, a mixture of all of
it. After all, sometimes when it rains, it pours.
Like the chicken or the egg, it can be really hard
to tell if the storm has come because of
your actions, feelings and thoughts or if each of those things are a result of
the storm that came to you first. No one wants to be “Debbie Downer” or to be
perceived as whining about their problem(s). You don’t want to make anyone sad by
even admitting that you’re struggling. –And truthfully, sometimes you and I
don’t know the words to describe it anyway. It’s just too overwhelming or surreal. So why bother.
If you’re in this place right now. I get it.
I’d like to tell you some things that I learned
through my own recent storm and how my faith and the words of Jonah helped me
get through it. My hope, is that it will relieve some of the pressure on you.
Maybe even redirect you and help you get through your own season. It’s going to
take me a few posts to work it out though. It won’t be all at once.
I recently shared a testimony about a big job change that happened for me in January. Before
that, I worked 14 years at the same organization but in the I.T. department. When
I started I.T. there was only one employee in that department and I joined her.
I got the pleasure of watching that department morph into a 10-person team! While
there were several opportunities for me to become Supervisor. I always resisted.
Until I stopped resisting.
3 years ago, it became obvious that our team
was large enough and needed another Manager. It made sense that I should take
it. It finally felt right. I was all fired up about it. Oddly enough, I
remember telling a friend that while I knew it was time, I also felt like it was the end of me at the
bank or the end of myself as I knew it. …and that was an eerie feeling.
There was no turning back and I didn’t want
to.
Quickly the position didn’t seem to fit right. I struggled with it; maybe
because I didn’t know how to “cut the path”. An example given by my Supervisor
at the time as he helped me navigate my course. Being a visual learner, it was a timely and useful picture for the season. [If you were
plowing a field of corn and were to try and cut a path when all of it is at eye
level; it might be hard to see where or how you go in and accurately
get to the other side or make the first pass. But once it's started, the remaining passes are clearer.] I asked myself if it was simply fear, intimidation or uncertainty? I also kept going while I considered my answers. I accepted every challenge that came my way professionally and personally. I even made a few extras. I learned a lot about myself in that time. Some good. Some not so much. I gained a whole new respect for Managers. Thankfully, I grew.
But meanwhile, it felt like I was losing the
ability to control myself. The harder I tried, the more stressed out I was or
the more errors that I made. Then to top it off, I started losing my ability to remember anything, or
control my emotions. I cried during
everything. I am not joking. I once sat in an 8-hour class with department
heads and speakers with tears streaming down my face during 4 hours of the
presentations. And don’t get me wrong. I love to be moved and inspired but this
wasn’t a motivational talk. We were role playing, all sitting at the same
table. A sweet co-worker gestured across the table that I had tissue stuck to
my face…. Um yeah- It was like
that. Haha
Yet, no
one was more baffled than me.
Then it happened again in while learning about
invoices. And again, while talking about goals and vision(s) for the team.
And again, while reviewing contracts. Then it got to a point that I could not
say the word ‘job’ without tearing up. I was certain that I was slipping off of
my rocker.
Before I go deeper, I want to tell you that
what I share here is not a reflection of my organization. It’s about what was
happening inside of me. The company that I work for is a tremendous organization. It is a great place to work and I
had the strongest Supervisors and Supporters through all of this! The internal
storm is about a very spiritual aspect of this thing we call life and how the
Lord sometimes moves within us. –Even though all of the outside conditions might indicate
anything but stormy.
Underneath
all of the successes that I was experiencing and “growing” that I was doing. I continued to struggle. I mentioned that I had
gotten restless in I.T. a little while before I became a Manager. Somehow
moving up the ladder, while it felt right and like it was the right time for
me; I also felt like I was being pulled away from it. I would come home from
work completely fried. –And I remember having conversations with my family
where they were trying to talk to me and their words were bouncing off… I could
see their mouths moving. I could hear them talking but I could not compute what
was being said. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, so wired, I’d have to
run and I was not a runner at the time. Or I had hives covering my calves. Even
some of my own words seem streaked with things unusual to me. Now they are so
easily recognizable as an SOS, for example:
I wrote to my preacher and told him that
I felt like “I had turned
Jekyll/Hyde. I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.” (RED FLAG)
In a journal to myself, I wrote: “If I could have unzipped my skin and ran
fleeing from myself, I would have.” –That’s a really crazy feeling by the
way.
Even the words that I used to describe myself
or certain events didn’t line up with what I felt or believed but they would
come out so weird.
The lions of insecurity and awkwardness were
growing larger and prowling all around.
To further compound it, I’m supposed to be a
Christian; full of light and peace and joy…. I was in my Bible every day,
praying like each breath was my last. Why
didn’t I have it together? Isn’t my God bigger? Shouldn’t I be giving it to
him? Am I not giving it to him? If not, how
the heck do I let this thing go?
The breaking point for me was last summer
during Helping Hands Camp Youth Camp. I was one of the
Site Assistants for a couple of days on 2 different jobs. I don’t know if it
was working outside all day, helping others on a deeper level, or doing
something completely different than what I usually do. –But we painted sheds
and porch rails, we hung trailer skirting and cleaned yards and at the end of
each day, I couldn’t help but notice the peace that accompanied me home.
I couldn’t work every day of the camp but a
friend took my kids for the remainder of the week. One morning before work, I
asked her to pray. She and I had talked a lot about my job over the years and
we did so again for a few minutes. Then she grabbed me by my shoulders, looked
me in the eye and simply said “Reggie, I don’t think you’re supposed to do
that anymore.”
Generally, I don’t let other people’s comments
make such radical decisions in my life, but the words were alive and pierced my
soul.
I drove to work and put in a Bible CD and
began to pray. –But then the words of Ecclesiastes began to sound. Not having
heard them before, I sat mystified.
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
What do people gain from all their
labors?
at which they toil under the sun? [Read More]
I listened to several chapters, some on repeat
but everything that came out seemed to further drive home the words of my
friend. I had an hour commute but by the time I got to work, I simply felt in
my spirit that it was time to turn in my notice. I nervously called Colin from
the parking lot. “Honey, what
would you say if I gave a 6-month notice today? I feel like it’s what I need to
do.”
While he has always been supportive of me and
anything that I wanted to do, I had never talked about quitting. So he always
encouraged me on. This time was no different. He simply said, “I don’t think you should but do
what you gotta do and I support you.”
So, I began the conversations… First with my
Supervisors, and then with HR and I even went to A Christian Counselor for a few weeks to make sure I wasn’t having a mid-life
crisis. I even had some physicals to make sure this crying stuff wasn’t
hormonal. Good grief was it
menopause?
I don’t know where 6 months came from… but I didn’t want to leave too quickly an
organization that had been really good to me. They would have to hire and
train… And I had spent so much time telling myself to do the job that it was suddenly really hard to
see myself completely different. I was going to need some time to unravel this…
And if I was changing something, I wanted to dream a little and pray a lot.
Oddly enough I gave my notice in July and a
marketing job came open in December. I was offered the job in January… 6 months later… And there have
been a lot of blessings on this side of that decision that I will also try to
write about soon.
But I told you that I’d share with you some
things that I gleaned from Jonah. So grab your Bible if you don’t already have
it and flip to chapter 1. –Go ahead and read
it first if you like because I won’t go line through line through it here. My
references to his story will be spread out between these posts.
Jonah is known for running so far from God
that the Lord had to send a storm and a whale after him to bring him back to
the His plans.
If you’re in one of those really stressful
seasons or feel like you’re falling apart. Your storm could be because of consequences if you’re
running from something. But what happens when you’re not. You’re just minding
your own business and poof, here’s your storm. Now you’re just trying to hold
on!
The Lord used that job in SO MANY ways to grow
me and shape me. Also, during that time, I had all 3 of my children. I met my
Best Friend. Several of us started going to Bible Study together, then church.
And eventually, about 4-5 years ago I got serious about having a relationship
with God.
...and then the Earth started moving! Let’s just say that my
boat set out to sea here.
I began growing restless in my work and in some other areas. (Was it
coincidence that the more serious that I got about Him, the more other things
started rattling around?) I started clinging tighter to those things and not
necessarily because that’s what I wanted to do; but in being an emotional
person, I didn't want to follow feelings. I get them wrong A LOT. After all,
the Bible never tells us that our life will be dreamy 24/7. And from "the view of the boat"
there was nothing else in the sea that looked like a direction or a sign for
me.
So, I prayed harder and held tighter. When I
accepted the promotion, which I still believe I was supposed to do, things
really started going south in me.
My work, my team, all of the things at my job were still wonderful. I was a
complete mess. I believe verse 7
describes it as "calamity" and v11 says the sea was rougher and
rougher. So rough, I was ready to jump ship.
But I held on even tighter.
The Lord led me to that job. I didn’t want to
leave it a moment too soon. And so I tried to be my best cheerleader, telling
myself that I can do hard things and to not to give up
before victory and to choose my attitude....
I think you get the idea here but close your
eyes and imagine for a minute, me on my knees on the deck of a boat, holding on
to bolts or the mast or whatever is available on deck. Tired, drenched, tossed
around… and hanging on.
Please hear my heart when I tell you this.
This chapter might tell you that God sent a
storm after a man that was running. But
God also sends storms after those who are simply lost at sea. And after those
who are crazy obedient and after those who are exactly where they were supposed
to be.
Sometimes, he sends a storm after YOU. Could this be your storm?
I hope you can hang
in there as we work out these posts.
***
While you wait,
start journaling now about your storm and highlight or mark things that just stand out. –Even if they don’t add up yet. Start reading your Bible, even if
you’re not really into it. If you find any scriptures or characters that might
touch you, go ahead and include that with your notes. Then pray and meditate on
those things.
All post in this series | End
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