Fire Starters

We wrapped up a testimony session at church this month. Despite all of my many notes, I ended up winging one instead and it came down to only two things. The first, was about spending most of my youth chasing feelings and looking for love; when really, I was looking for God. The second, was about my church relationship(s) and chasing the fire. In the days since, I have really thought a lot more about the fire portion of that.

I first felt the fire when I was 16, at a revival in Florida. I was amped for days, even months when it first lit up. Then I moved out of state and the fire fizzled. I found another church after that and eventually felt the fire again. Then I got offended by people in the church and I allowed myself to just walk away.

It wasn't until I had Ethan that I was willing to commit to church or to God. How else was I going to teach him anything, if I didn't lead by an example and learn for myself? I tried a bunch of different churches and just didn't "feel the fire" at any of them. Yet, I kept finding my way back to the church that I attend now.

I can guarantee you that there was no fire there. The church was rapidly falling apart. The Pastor's future was up in the air. Inside was a complete mixture of chaos and silence. But so was I...

In many ways it was a blessing joining at this time. Everyone else was so involved in the other things that were going on that I was able to slip in and then slip out without anyone really noticing. Until one day, a lady came up to introduce herself. She ended our brief conversation with the statement "I used to sit in the back too until someone called me a back seat Christian."

Ooh, I was hot. -And not by the fire that I was looking for. I was offended and mad and feeling a little self righteous. I wagged my tired finger at God and tried to justify my reason(s) for not coming to church and his reply was "Are you coming to church for the people or for me?"

Well that will pretty much shut you up right there. I stayed at that church. I really felt God asking me to commit to him, even if I never felt the fire again. It's been 8 or 9 years since that day.

The good news is, that fire is within us, where his spirit lives, always. We don't need to chase it. We can find it right where we are. If we're not feeling it, then perhaps we need to be tending to it. Just like a stoker who starts a fire, he must continue to keep it going. When it cools, it's not because God is too busy or just not into it or that he has nothing to say to us. It's because we have let that fire cool. Perhaps we need to get another log or a piece of kindling or even fan the flame.

Be watchful, and strengthen the things that remain, and are ready to die. -Revelations 3:2

***

The other day in church I was talking to a friend about spiritual activity. I told him that I really felt close to the spirit the last few months. I was starting to make connections between not feeling the presence of the spirit and an action on my part. I said "even as of this weekend, in a sense, I feel like the lamp has gone out or dimmed a little and now I have to figure out why." Of course he looked at me like I was nuts. "What?" Even as I said it, I felt a little strange. I am not sure why I worded it that way.

I went home and tried to think of ways to better explain what I meant. To explain how I have been focusing on my prayer life so much that I feel close to God every day. That now, I notice when I start feeling like God is getting distant again. That's my queue to take the time to revisit what has happened since I last felt his presence. Is there something that he's asked me to do that I haven't done? Do I need a fresh word or new perspective?

I couldn't get the word "lamp" out of my mind. I thought about the elements or properties of fire. Fire is full of light and heat and it needs air to grow, but what else...? So, I looked it up. It is heat, air, and energy. If one of those elements are missing or removed, the fire stops.  There is no fire.

Energy. I teared up just reading the word. I get SO exhausted doing, and doing, and doing. Even during that week, I could not bring myself to stop and slow down. Yet, it was all that I could do to just keep pushing through. In my time in prayer, I was so tired that I couldn't really focus. Maybe if he was sitting right in front of me, even if I were excited; I wouldn't reach out to him as enthusiastically as I would, if I were fully rested.

Well, that's exactly what was happening. We ARE seated before God every day.  I needed energy to reach out and I just didn't have it in me. He was feeling too far away because of me... My fire or lamp was dim because I wasn't keeping it going.

Just like 1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us to be on guard at all times. He IS there all of the time. It's as simple as walking outside and standing in the sun. When I stand in it's unobstructed view, there is no denying it's heat or it's light or the sheer magnitude or intensity of it's brightness.

The dimness of the lamp, or coolness that I feel is also like the hardening of the heart.
There is something between me and the Son. Is it the bustle of life, unrepented sin, or perhaps clouds of doubt, fear or slumber...?

Not to take anything away from God because clearly he can send his spirit when he wants to, but how much more can we have in our relationship with him, if were willing to be involved? If a real fire only has three components, what would that look like  if we tried to make one in our prayer life?

Heat - Psalms 57:7 says oh my heart is steadfast, I am confident in you.
Do you have a desire to meet him? Do you believe that he will come? Have you taken the time to prepare a place to invite him in, to worship, to serve? Not just ridding physical distractions but are you coming to him with a clear mind and a purpose to know and to be close to him? Have you even gathered your material or tools?

Just like when your camping, it's a hunger that first drives us to make a fire. Yet, if we're hungry enough, we will eat food that's cold if we have to. Are you hungry enough for God and his word? Are you feeling cold and in need of a warm up? It is easier to mold something when it's hot rather than cold.  -But plain and simple, what will it take to make you hit your knees and rub your sticks together? -Until you get a fire?

Oxygen/Air - Is your time in prayer a simple hello, just an item on your checklist or are you willing to breathe your heart into the fire to get it started. -Your admission of need for him (humility) mixed with confession of truth (openness) and then a spark ignites. You're lifting him up and exalting him. There is a constant tapping down of self, in order to give him room to be your flame.

Fuel/energy - Not only do you need energy to start the fire but you will also need energy to keep it going. A good fire will build momentum but it will still require more resources to stay lit. You will need a sober mind or alertness to know what's required, a rested body and a desire to be able to tend to it. And for me this is the hardest- resting in order to rebuild those stores.  If I don't do this, I might just be empty when I get there and then what kind of fire would I be giving God?

***

The better part of this has been written for the last two weeks. I just felt like one thing was missing. I was so focused on how we could improve our prayer life, that I forgot one of the most basic things. It wasn't until I got so aggravated that I had to walk away, that I was able to gain enough distance to see what was missing.

Sometimes, I get too legalistic. Not because I feel like we have to earn the love of God but because I want so desperately to be the woman that he intended for me to be. What kind of wife did he design for Colin? What kind of mother for my kids or simple being in his world? However, that legalism caused a snag in this post. I was robbing myself of enjoyment.

As with any fire once you get it going, do take the time to simply enjoy the presence of God? Do you celebrate with your friends around him? Do you marvel at the colors in his glow? -Reflecting on who he is and how he works and what he in return puts in us?

***

Father God, Jeremiah 23:29 says that not only is your word like fire but that it's also like a hammer that breaks a rock in many pieces.  I pray that you can shatter the hardness of my heart and that nothing blocks me from seeing, feeling, touching or knowing your full glory. -The tingle and the heat and the joy; I want not only for myself, but to become so engulfed that I transfer them to others. So, that we can celebrate in your name and delight in all that you are able to do and have done. Your love is amazing. I am thankful that your spirit is with in me but never stop calling my name.