Heart Transplant

As I reflect on 2013, I have started thinking more about the shape of the full year. As if I am doing an inventory in how it compares to other years. I feel as if there has been such a significant change, it will now set a standard for the years ahead.  

I ended 2012 coming home in the evenings feeling like I had to make up for ways that I was short changing my family.  Yet how are we ever able to "make up" for eight hours of a day that we can’t be a mom (or dad), when we only have three hours at night with homework, dinner, showers, etc.??? Why do we doom ourselves with such impossible goals?

Working outside of the home is hard enough but then I tried to keep up with friends. I tried to insert more fun. I tried to sign the kids up for activities so that they wouldn't miss out. …But each one of those additions seemed to come from and create more guilt and exhaustion. They just compiled “the things to do” and instead of satisfaction or contentment; I wound up with an app on my phone that organized all of my other lists. I was flat out fried. 

I said a prayer at a woman’s retreat in the fall of 2012. In retrospect, I realize now that it was such a desperate plea of my own heart.  “I am not getting this right God. You're going to need to remove some things from me, so that I can be what you created." As a woman that was never sure on where to draw boundaries, I usually didn't define them at all. In 2013 I suddenly felt myself draw a wide one. It was a vow to do nothing more than focus on God and family because I had no idea what I was even trying to offer anymore. Something had to give. 

I created a personal challenge to get over my fear of praying out loud by accepting every request for a year. Blogging was never on the radar.  I wasn’t even sure what “blogging” was. …I was just making strange little notes. I picked 3 things in the bible that I wanted to know more about. All of that simply set the tone…

All along I kept hearing the words “own it” and “doing a new thing”. It’s as if, I had to finally take ownership of all of my little fears and insecurities, in order to pick them up and hand them over one by one to God.  Looking back now, I see that 2013 has been such a purge as a newer version of me has been birthed.  

For all of the ways that I may have ever felt inadequate, I see now that so much of that was because I was trying to focus on too many different things. -Or maybe just a lot of the wrong ones. That admission reminds me of the verse 1 Corinthians 11:3 about how we can be “led astray by such a sincere devotion”. We desire to be good at everything and in our best intentions of “showing love” and “being good” and “doing the right thing” we just keep committing and keep on doing.

The irony of that is that we are called human beings, not human doings…. Where do we make time to be??? We are led astray doing what we think is best, instead of stopping and making sure that we have the right map. We feel guilty or that something is missing and so we add something new to the mix. -Eventually reaching burn out.

Acts 8:32 refers to “sheep that are led to the slaughter.” I don’t know about you but when I hear that verse, I picture sheep on a conveyor belt. They are just moving along, in a direction that someone else designed. They might be looking around considering the direction that they are headed. They might have a sense of doom but they are still steadily moving forward.  They might even be calling out for help in their own way. Yet, they are not actively turning around and trying to get off.

There’s another verse John 10:27 that says “My sheep listen to my voice. I know them and they follow me.”  Those sheep, hear their master’s call and come running. They leave whatever they are doing and go searching for his voice. Seeking their master.

Have you ever looked up or even considered the difference between look and seek? Gosh, what a difference between the two!  The dictionary says that to Look is to “turn with one's eyes toward something”.  To Seek is an action that means “to go”.

To sit at church on Sunday, I am a looker.  To read another’s book, or listen to another’s words, it’s all so second hand. We are only observing evidence of someone else who sought… While we do get something from it, it is so much different than finding it for ourselves.

This year, I was seeking God.  I felt polluted for a lot of good reasons. There was enough looking in my life to know that I was missing something. I was no longer content to watch.  I had to seek, to move, to flip over, to look behind, to pick it up and shake it upside down until something falls out of it. In doing so, I developed faith.

In my quiet time I called out to God and read my bible with a new fury. The chapters in Timothy freed my heart to only focus on family. As a parent, there is no greater ministry than our children. Working outside of the home, only magnifies the importance of that ministry. It’s OK to just be a mom.  What an honor it is, to JUST BE A MOM.

Somewhere between a study in James and a study in Galatians, I was convicted of how double minded I was at the basis of my soul. I’ve cried more than ever this year. I’ve had my heart broken again and again. As painful as it sounds, it was so very freeing.

It was my seeking that ignited a fire and cultivated a hunger for the MORE of the word.  I fasted from my "go to" preachers and study material and forced myself to go to God instead. I would wake in the middle of the night and the wee hours of the morning seeking. I'd scribble notes on a bedside table so that I wouldn’t forget what was pressed upon my heart when I awoke in the morning. Then I would try to squirrel away five more minutes here and there throughout the day to get back to where I’d left off.

If I started to lull in time with God or feel less enthusiastic, I hit my knees and forced another opening. Then I had to FIGHT to keep the spot. A LOT of other things were left undone as I practiced new or different habits. I even deleted the list app on my phone and started taking naps. It might sound silly but if you are tired and booked up, what exactly are you giving God? ...or your family? You have to force some of the changes. Life will not stop because you want to but God is always ready when you are!

I think that when most people consider their path with God, they refer to the verse in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is such an important nugget that follows that passage. It tells you how to find that plan and sadly it is seldom referenced. “¹²Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and FIND me WHEN you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. You've got to know the maker, in order to know the plan. 

His word does not say look at me with your whole heart. It says to seek me. Verse 13 doesn't say love me with part of your heart. It says all of it. God wants to do something new in your life but you have to put something new into it. You are going to have to become uncomfortable in order to do that. Then when you get comfortable at that level, you will need to grow uncomfortable again, and then again, in order to dig deeper. 

I’ve put up some weird posts this year that might not have seemed as glorifying as I intended.  I realize though that it was such a necessary part of this transformation.  For all the self condemnation that you may read between the lines, there is a woman that is emerging that surprises even me.

To be one of his sheep means that not only do we have to wake from our slumber and answer to his call. We have to leave what we were doing and surrender at his feet. Then let him comb over us to remove our splinters and thorns. No matter how painful or obvious they are to remove. It’s only when we give him our whole heart that he can do something new with it. 

In 2013, I gave my whole heart to God.  –or at least as much as I knew how to give at the time. I finally learned how to let my relationship with him become more important. In exchange for my whole heart, he is giving me a cleaner one. I can't help but feel like the most authentic version of me yet, as I let him renew the spirit that is within me.

I can't tell you the last time that I looked back on a year without regret of some kind. If I've had any regrets about 2013, they have only been cosmetic. The positive things that have come from this year far outweigh anything deemed as loss. 2014 might bring more purging, more challenges, or another surprise for me altogether. I certainly don't have it all figured out but this is a much better place to begin a new year. I welcome all of its possibilities with open arms.

I encourage you to make spiritual goals. I've created a list with some ideas for you to review. You can search for more online. Don’t be discouraged because you don’t see or feel an immediate impact. Don’t be discouraged when you are tested by friends or loved ones or if circumstances seem to get harder. Your faith and your commitment will be tested by more than one source. A LOT. Don't be discouraged because you don't see in your own life or faith what someone else seems to display. There are a lot of different components to building faith.

You (we) have to learn how to pray, how to get something from the bible, how to be a part of a church, how to give in your own way and how to confess your secrets, in addition to other things.  Like gears on a clock, each one of those rings move and cause something to happen but it takes learning how to use them all together in order to change time. The synergy comes from having an understanding of each piece on its own. Then you can start use them together! Start small and pick one or two. If you need a recommendation, focus on your prayer life in 2014.  If you can learn how to talk to God then he can help you with all of the other pieces later. If you want a second option, pick a church. Whatever it is, pick what you can or will commit to right now.

May we all have a beautiful, blessed and deeper 2014!