And Then Monday

The week before last I read some online articles about suicide that upset me. The articles were mostly about symptoms but then my Pastor shared a sermon on the same subject. It was as if everything was suddenly about suicide, or at least until I got angry about it and then I just sat with the anger. Wrestling. Thinking. Praying. Confused... 

And waiting.

Two family members were heavy on my heart. One of them is my husband. While he is not suicidal, he does suffer from Chronic Illness. He has had peripheral neuropathy in both of his feet for the last 10 years. A certain amount of depression accompanies that. 

He's also had enough circumstances in the last two years that could bring depression anyway, even if the condition didn't do it. And as if that wasn't enough, he has had to take a small "pharmacy" just to dull the symptoms. Those prescriptions add a whole other layer to his battle. 

Not only has he pretty much plateaued on his medication, even though his condition continues to get worse; but being subjected to them for so long, is also taking its toll on his body. To me, his health seems to be declining. Then to top it all off, not one but two his medications are known for increasing suicidal tendencies. 

The first week after I'd read the article, I sat with him on our front porch and told him about the list. I apologized for any flares in my own behavior that came as a result. But then I explained that after reading it, I could not not ask him about it. Of course he soothed my concern and I felt better having mentioned it.

But it was still twisting inside of me.

The next Sunday at church I was moved to tears and my class prayed over me. On the way home, I thought about Jacob wrestling with God and the way that Paul says our flesh and spirit wrestle. I couldn't imagine walking with a limp like Jacob- but even so, I have also learned just how physical our spiritual battles can be.

I thought about how long I might continue this way before God could tell me what it was he wanted me to do. I imagined a man almost at the end of his rope and on his knees begging God to just belt out what it is that he wanted him to do. "Whatever it is God, I will do it!" Then it occurred to me that maybe God also needed me in that exact spot before I would understand myself or before I'd be willing to follow the full instructions. 

I know that sounds strong but when we're going through something, we're always ready to be done with it, aren't we? So, then I just point blank asked him-

What is it God? What is it? 

Of course, I prayed for discernment and courage to face whatever the answer was and the strength to carry it out.

And then Monday, I started reading articles about praying for healing. This article in particular had several points that struck me. 

The first was the reference to false humility. In how we don't want to pray over others because we don't want to "act like God" and yet one of our basic Christian duties is to pray. -Not only with another but over them. 

There were many other powerful insights and then I read some other articles. I am not sure how or where I saw it but at some point I became convicted of whose faith I was believing in- the faith of the person that was being prayed over or the faith of the person praying. After all, didn't I come into my faith because he answered? ...Over and over again.

By the bottom of the article, I simply felt like God was telling my heart that I can clearly see evidence of what is happening to my husband's health. Now I also have a list in hand of some even more terrible magnitudes that this could go to. Knowing how powerful prayer can be- [Not only witnessing what it can do but experiencing God within it.] How could I have both of those options before me and still choose not to pray over him. 

I mean I have prayed on my own and with him about many things but never so specifically for salvation or healing or anything directly pertaining to him, over him. And I think to myself, who am I as his wife and his helper and his friend to withhold something like that from him? 

It was a lot to chew on.

Later at work, I started trying to consider when I might pray or how I would pray. I was reminded of scripture after scripture; Where two or more gather, If you ask and you believe, Say to this blood live, Say to these bones live, Ask and you shall receive, I will restore your health, I am the vine, you are the branches, Greater is he that is in me... My voice began to rise, my eyes were filling and a great surge came.

I finally hit my knees and prayed specifically right then for his healing, both physically and spiritually and in every other fashion. I prayed for our direction, faith, marriage and probably a dozen other things that I couldn't recall now if I tried; Repeating every scripture on my heart. Everything came out with a fury. 

Then just like that-

Peace

It came in the wave as it settled back out to sea, taking all of the anger with it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. –John 14:27

Ask and ye shall receive - Matthew 7:7

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And if you were curious, I waited for timing and by the following Sunday, I did pray over Colin. I know that God is working.

Picture credit: Low tide on a Constantine wall.