I left work later than I meant to today after a support call ran long. In my bustle to get the store to pick up something for a covered dish dinner, I turned the wrong way and almost forgot to pick up my kids. Yes, really! haha. Thankfully, I realized my error before I made it too far. But I did really forget my wallet at home this morning. **sigh**
I made it to the bank to get cash and headed back the store only to be escorted by three wild and enthusiastic not-so-cute cuties. The mental ticker tape ticks while my time runs out and am fizzled out before bible study even starts tonight.
Tonight should be exciting! My mother is in town and we haven't seen her since December. We're doing a bible study with family. My family -together. There's covered dish dinner, with really no fuss and gosh- In my solitude, I am thankful for every day that we get to share. But as I enter my mother-in-laws house, the restlessness in me starts crackling... my nature to hurry is fighting to set or keep the tone. With every flinch, I have an internal conversation about my choice to love instead of pop. But I can't seem to stop popping...
We move through the class and I start to mellow slightly but there's a swirl of unsorted thoughts and feelings running through me. Still pulling. Still twisting.
When the evening ends we all get settled later than normal. I know that this won't help tomorrow run any smoother. Jackson (my three year old) and I go to brush teeth and his bed time has already left him behind in the dust. He is so defiant about having to brush his teeth. He stutters a little as he starts rattling off excuses. "Imma- I- I'm a man and I don't have to brush teeth!" "You didn't make me do it yesterday?!" "My teeth aren't dirty."
I'm not really going to win anything here. He's mad about where I set him on the counter, the color tooth brush I gave him and the type of toothpaste, etc. It's a little exasperating but I stare at him and study his every move.
He has such a dirty little face. While he is really not a crier, his eyes water easily. His stubborness forms an invisible dam and keeps those perfect mossy pools from spilling over the rim. His eyes really are a beautiful shade of green but never more so than when full of emotion. They are filling now.
His head is all tilted down so that I know he's serious and he pushes his fists into his hips and his bottom lip tosses out into a frown. I don't even care what he's saying by now. I am captivated by him. This family can be so ornery sometimes and yet he is still so beautiful in his display of that. I just want to snatch him up and chew on him. Hold him. The gush of my heart can't help but empathize with him. It soothes my own little fury.
In that moment, I can't help but feel God look upon me with that same lens. I guess the only real difference between myself and Jackson from that height [in this moment] is that I sometimes I chide myself during and after my own outbursts. Where as he is so youthful and so determined to find his way. I suppose I forget sometimes that I am still finding my way too. Perhaps just as stubbornly. Both of us think that we know most of the answers.
Then there is God watching and waiting. Not scolding or ready to reprimand. Not throwing his hands up or turning to abandon. -But instead knowing that sometimes our sense of "right" or "wrong" is only temporary and that the discomfort will be too. Slow and steady he continues with what must be done despite our outbursts. Never loving us any less. Hoping to soothe us into and hold us in our own restful peace.
“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.” -1 John 3:1
“Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.” -1 John 4:10-11
Sweet Dreams
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