Sanctuary

I consider D.O.G. to be a late wedding present from our Best Man. Really; he was not even born when Colin & I got married. Our Best Man got him a year after we tied the knot. We too got a chocolate lab about the same time and the pups were close in age. 

At their very first play date, the dogs seemed to be in love with each other instantly. It was so sweet to watch them play. Instead of chasing after each other, they just laid around chewing and kissing. I told my friend that he might need to be careful. We might just have to take his dog too. 

Unfortunately for my friend, he hit some bumpy circumstances not long after and had to take me up on rehoming him. I got D.O.G. when he was about 2 1/2 years old and he lived the remainder of his 12 years with me. 

His name was pronounced "Dee-Oh-Gee" which I occasionally alternated with simply saying Dog. He was a mellow, friendly and happy boy. A black lab, who in his prime weighed 120lbs. -Literally my big boy! 

He suffered from a paralyzed larynx, which was thought to be related to a thyroid issue. It was often hard work for him to breathe, bark and eat but he didn’t let it stop him from too many things, except chasing after the four-wheeler. He loved everyone and his tail was always oscillating instead of wagging back and forth.  

Last year he had surgery for a hematoma in his ear. The vet said that there was too much swelling in his throat and they couldn't use the normal size tube for a dog his size when they had to intubate him. Between that and the increase in episodes of heavy breathing, we knew that he wouldn't make it another summer. 

***

I've always heard that your pets will let you know when they are ready. I prayed that God would let me know when it was time and for strength and for discernment in the decision. I also prayed for his healing several times and I hoped that there was never a really moment necessary for me to have to intervene. -Not just because I loved him; but I don't really believe in killing anything unless you're going to eat it or if it's trying to kill you. Mosquitos and ticks are my only exceptions and truthfully, I'd be ok with finding harmony in their living too if they would just stop biting...

With a paralyzed larnyx a dog can't open or close their throat properly in order to pant or breath which means that they can have a great deal of trouble cooling off. We knew the he couldn't be outside if it was over 70. Thankfully, we never had any accidents. 

The last Thursday that he was alive wasn't a particularly hot day. We let him out in the evening while we ate dinner and when he came in, he seemed a little restless. His nightly routine usually consisted of a couple of hard breathing spells. This night, one spell just continued on... 

I put ice cubes in his water. I even tried to feed him a few. He was not interested in eating or drinking which both were HIGHLY unusual for him. He wandered around the house instead. Ordinarily, he couldn't wait to lay down. When the kids settled to bed, Colin and I talked about his health and how the "summer" was here... We both acknowledged that his nights during the last week seemed to be getting harder and harder.

I had a genius idea and remembered my husband’s apnea mask. It's cold and moist and air! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!  Poor D.O.G. just sat there when I put the mask on him. It definitely seemed to fit him well but his sweet eyes gave me this sad and ridiculous look like "I will do this for you Momma but it's really not helping me". 

I tried to get him to lay beside me when ordinarily he'd fall in my lap. This time he refused and then wandered around some more. It was hard for him to go up and down my stairs. He'd started coming upstairs the last week to sleep at night. This night, he made the trip up and down several times, unable to find a place that he could relax.

For some reason I was up later that evening. I think my heart knew that this would be a longer night. At 11 or 11:30 I tried to give him some pain meds, in case something was hurting causing him to pant more. Once in a blue moon, medicine seemed to help. It was my last effort to keep him home with me. Not sure what to do, I laid down, hoping that he would ease. At 1:00am I heard him still breathing hard. While his breathing didn't seem worse than what we'd grown used to, it had just gone on too long for him. He looked tired and beside himself. 

He wanted to go outside. When I opened the door, he walked to the yard. I watched his black body as he walked off the porch and descended out deeper into the darkness. He was a shade darker than the night and so I could still see him. I don't know how to describe it but something about his swagger just seemed to be asking the night "what do I do?” He now seemed to be looking for something... and I knew we had to go.

I got the keys and asked him if he wanted to go for a ride. He waited for a second as if to consider the weight of my question. Then he ran to me but stopped suddenly as if some part of him wanted to go slowly off the porch. It was if he knew that it was the last time. We walked the same way to the car.

I tried to let him ride shotgun but he wouldn't do it. -Again, unusual... He got in the back and laid in the floor. He became sicker, quickly. I'm not sure if it was the combo of meds and the ride or just the way that it works out... I think he was beginning to overheat. 

At the vet, I opened the door and he wouldn't get out of the car. He simply laid down relinquishing the right to walk. Of course, he was a big dog cramped in a van. I got the attendants and they put him on a stretcher and rolled him in. I had to go to the front to complete paperwork while they helped him. Within minutes, they had him "stable" in the back room but under anesthesia so that they could intubate him. He finally looked so peaceful. 

I felt like a heel for even thinking about putting him to sleep. Although, again, I knew that this was going to happen. To me, it seemed kind of like taking the "easy" way out. I expressed my concerns to the vet but she quickly assuaged my fears. She said that he was at the point that he needed this. There were surgical options but at his age with the progression of his condition and the complications of the surgery, it would have been hard on him. He did not need nor deserve anything harder. 

She said that it would be really quick because he was already asleep. She also said that because she had to disconnect him from meds in one room and then start them again in another, she would need to do it immediately so there wasn't much time for me to talk to him while he was sleeping and of course, I couldn't go into the other room. 

Boy, when she said it was quick, she meant it! She disconnected him from the other room and wheeled him in there where I was waiting. I was sad that I wasn't going to get to tell him I loved him (again) with his eyes open or that I wasn't with him from the beginning of the procedure (that already begun). 

Not sure of what I should say, my heart thought of Michael and I was thankful to be able to say good-bye this time. Words just started spilling over. I leaned my cheek into the soft fur of his chest and I could feel the slow thudding rhythm of his heart. She placed one tube, followed by another tube into his IV. The slow rate continued for a minute or so, and then I felt his pulse suddenly grow quick and then suddenly stop. -And that was it.

There was no movement. No last breath. No nothing. 

Stopped.

The finality of it is hard to capture in words. 

...

During the first week, I couldn't get over how quiet the house was without him. Now into the third week, I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him. When I picked up his ashes over the weekend, it didn't seem right, fitting into one hand, someone that I ordinarily had to lift with both arms in two loads. I just couldn't compute this new shape or texture or size. 

I know that to some, it might seem like God didn’t answer a prayer for healing. But 2 Corinthians 4:16 says that we are all perishing. Moving closer to the day is inevitable for each of us. My prayers also included requests for strength and discernment as well. My Lord answered me. 

I might not have been sure before the moment came that I could have handled it but when it arrived, there was no one else that I would have let take my place. I would have fought to defend it and I wanted to do it alone! My heart can't express the gratitude to God for letting me be home when D.O.G.'s time came and for not letting him die or suffer alone.

Retrospect is a wonderful tool that reminds me of a kaleidoscope, as it gives you so many colorful nuggets to twist and consider. It doesn't really help you change what has been done but it does help you decide what you may have done differently. All the while, still looking ahead... When I add to those flecks any Word that is on my heart, it really gives me something to appreciate. 

[So twisting my lens a little...]

While I am thankful to only have a few regrets, I really wish that I had've thought to sing to him as he left. ...like a lullaby. It probably doesn't make a lick of sense outside of my head but even though I know it was meds that made his heart pick up speed; a part of me wonders if my tone and rushing words scared him. 

I am thankful to have had that opportunity to speak my heart but I can't help but wonder if singing to [and for] him could have made his last few moments that much more peaceful. My afterthoughts of Michael's passing shared the same tone. It wasn't about saying words that I didn't say or getting something off my chest. Any doubts that I had came from opportunities that I may have missed to serve or soothe him as well.

Like that verse says, we are all perishing. We can all also be renewed inwardly by our Maker; drawing strength from his presence meditating on his Word. Adjusting our spiritual lenses to allow what could be seen through his eyes. Also, we each take turns [believers and non-believers alike] needing help at different times; being strengthened, encouraged and consoled. We may not always see the evidence of pain in those among us; or sadly, even their wasting away. 

Romans 12:10 says to honor one another above self. I don't think that by honoring someone else, their "to do list" becomes more important than ours does. Yet somehow in my own walk and attempts to be a "better" Christian, neighbor, co-worker I sometimes get caught up doing and maybe even focusing on doing a really great job or getting the task done, instead of trying to touch those that I am helping. 

The KJV of Philippians 2:5-7 says "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men" 

The "no reputation" gets me. Don't we often acquire that reputation by being good helpers? Good doers. Hard workers. However, "service" doesn't stop there. It's often only the entry point for more. Don't we forget in the "busyness" of serving that it is also to include soothing with the salve of God's love [and ours]? Whether it is in prayer or a good word or waiting to watch what isn't said and taking further directions from there.

In a half paraphrased way 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 reminds us that if our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Then we should fling wide the doors of our heart, as a sanctuary to those who need to enter, so that we can share the Love of God. Because we are not our own. He paid the price so that we could reach beyond our own desires [of doing] and extend grace and mercy to someone else.

Let us not wait for the day to soothe but seeking to soothe for the day instead.  -Ooh just hold onto that nugget for at least a moment!

Oh what a gift it is to love. Living will always try to distract us from it!

D.O.G., Maddie and Carson 2007

RIP D.O.G. 2002-2014