From the day that we met, he whined when I wasn't in his presence. This is the dog that I fostered for 3 weeks. I finally talked a friends dad into taking him home. Then after an argument with my husband, I ended up bringing him back home. Half out of spite. Half because after visiting him in his new place, he lost his mind (whining and even crying) and I felt guilty.Either way, both reasons were selfish. He was a cute furry reminder. He was also the reason that I wasn't allowed to foster any more animals or keep bread on the counter or have a gate that worked, as he "got a hold" of all of it.
I used to wonder if I would ever have the courage to put an animal to sleep. I also wondered I would recognize their time. [Here are some tips if you think you'll need them.] Have no doubt that they will let you know when they have had enough. D.O.G. did and Carson behaved very similarly. [You can read my comment on that thread of tips.]
Anyway, I will try to keep this brief but when our Uncle died, I walked away with the feeling that I can't believe that I never offered to pray with him or see if he needed help. (Not that he would have let me do one or both of them. Maybe he would have???)
When D.O.G. died, I was saddened by my last attempt to keep him with me and it made things a little harder for him in the end. I also didn't get to see him one more time pain-free with his eyes open. It was all so hurried that I wished I had of sung to him or tried to soothe him instead of sobbing.
When Carson's time came, I wasn't going to try and hang on. I did sing to him and even tried to lay on the floor with him while we were at home. But even after pain medication and getting on his level, Carson refused to sit or lay down. He couldn't anymore and I knew that the time had come.
I must admit that before I make myself sound so noble and sweet, that at first, I was really frustrated with him waking me up again at 2:30 in the morning and this time not leaving me alone. So, I wasn't very nice. Until I recognized the behavior.
So, I tried to do the things that I wished I had of done with D.O.G. but I couldn't say the word death in front of him. I felt like it was rude and insulting or something. After all, he's one of your best friends right? Even sitting in the vet floor, I couldn't recap our life together. I'm not even sure if I said everything I wanted to say because it felt some eerie way that I can't describe... Like you're talking about a person, right in front of them... I told myself it was because I didn't want to scare him.
Yet- isn't he the one that let me know it was time to go??? So, in hindsight, was I protecting him or myself?
Anyway, when I returned home, Colin was surprised that Carson wasn't with me. We had talked in the months leading up to this about the likelihood of having to put them to sleep. Both of our remaining dogs were falling down stairs, unable to get up and sometimes in pain. I am almost certain that I told Colin "it was time" when I left the house. In his defense, he [Colin] was asleep. Maybe I said it too early in the conversation.
But that thought coupled with my earlier thought about protecting myself while I was with Carson; I couldn't help but wonder if I don't communicate as well as I think I do... haha. I know I have come a long way but both dialogues [or lack of] have stayed with me and I don't want to just sweep them aside. Is this thought correlation a coincidence?
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Some other events soon followed suit, causing me to ask myself if I am even more vulnerable behind a screen than in my personal life and/or with strangers than those that I am closest to?
-Am I vulnerable enough with God?
If the first two instances were a coincidence; it now feels like I've come to an intersection with a blaring street light. It's exactly at the same junction [the end of a year] where I start to reflect on the previous year and the one ahead.
This earmark feels as though it is getting ready to turn cornerstone. Although I'm not sure how yet. I know I am waiting for a signal but I just want to sit and feel the tremble-
...tremble, tremble.
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