While I am usually an open book, I am not ready yet to divulge all of the details as to why I attended this program. I am not ashamed but the details are layered, and it either involves or effects other people. I haven’t been able to find my words yet. If I am ever supposed to, I know the Lord will give them to me in his time.
I’ve actually been struggling with a couple of things for a long time now. Sometimes, we’re the last to know how deeply something is bothering us. –Whether it’s like the band Pink Floyd sings in ‘Comfortably Numb’ or if it’s denial in a stage of grief, or if our awareness is road blocked by a limiting belief, or if we’re simply too close to something to be able to see the forest for the trees. There are a number of reasons why we can’t always get to the root of the problem. So, sometimes we just keep struggling.
Heck in her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown even says that ‘Crazy-busy’ is great armor. It’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.’
While I think every single one of these reasons played a role in my lack of awareness, that last one, may have been the biggest factor. We have families. We work. There are things to do. –A LOT of things to do. Who has time to just ‘sit’ and dwell on something? Heck even if we try to, there are constant interruptions. –But let's also admit that if something is associated with pain or sadness, most of us aren't jumping up and down to participate.
As for me, my issues came to a head last fall. I have a bit of a temper. My passionate side makes me slightly aggressive by nature anyway. But anger is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. For some reason, no matter what I tried, I just kept getting angrier and angrier. No matter how many church services or Bible studies that I attended. No matter how much I prayed, or who I talked to, or when I ate, or how much sleep I got, or exercised... My poor children got the brunt of it because Mom was usually pretty exasperated.
As it turns out, anger isn’t really a bad emotion. It is more about what we do while we’re angry that counts but anger itself is pretty healthy. It identifies when your boundaries are crossed. It’s a response to injustice (whether it’s to ourselves or others). It signifies when deeper emotions need to be addressed/expressed (shame is also an indicator of that). It’s also part of the grieving process, and a cue that needs aren’t being met…. and flag to so many other things. Anger is a catalyst for change!
For whatever reason, I kept trying to push the anger down, not realizing that it was trying to tell me something. Sadly, it was taking me down too. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid it. But I wanted ‘Fruit of the spirit,’ and we frequently hear messages like 'you are what you think about.' Heck, most of the scripture about anger makes it sound like its as something as simple as 'don't do it.'
So, dang it. I was trying to spend more time with God and doing what I thought to be healthier things, and trying not to be negative. I was trying to ‘look ahead.’ So, if you’re struggling with an emotion (of any kind) and it keeps getting louder, you might need to pause and start asking it some questions. Then listen to what it has to say.
As for me, at the end of August last year, I had a particularly emotional and trying day with the kids. I was driving down the road and came to stop light. (Screaming like a banshee.) And in my defeat, I just started punching the wheel, while yelling… –Yes, the horn blew with every strike; only calling attention to my insanity, while my kids slumped down in their seats with eyes as big as saucers…. It was a proud mama moment for sure. –It was also the catalyst that finally made me call a counselor that a friend had given me the name of a few years prior.
Now, I can't wait to tell you about my counseling experience, and those testimonies will come. But a new CR class has just started. I want to share a few more testimonies about that in case it can encourage someone to go.
I can’t even put into words how the remainder of 2017 went for me, but it was intense. Suddenly, things in almost every corner of my life presented new radical revelations. Each one leaving its own bruise or sting. I experienced physical and spiritual things that I have NEVER experienced before. I snapped. I found my rock bottom. It rocked my faith.
By the end of December, I was very seriously considering checking myself into a hospital. –And I am not saying that for effect. I was really struggling. For the first time in my life, I found myself unable to help someone else, or even manage what was happening to me. I couldn't 'front' if I tried. My boss, friends, and family were starting show concern. And to be honest, I really wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to recover. In many respects, some parts of me never will. –But ‘a new thing’ is emerging in those places though (just like he promises). Those stories too will come at their own pace.
In that ‘fall season' a class for Celebrate Recovery came up again, and I knew that it was time for me to finally attend.
I will share more about my experience with recovery in the coming days. But a session for the Celebrate Recovery Step Study is starting again. I HIGHLY recommend it. Click here to learn more.
You don't have to know the answers or even what is really bothering you. But if you've been struggling with something and everything you've tried isn't helping it get better, I beg you to consider this program. (Please know that every single one of us is struggling with something. Every single one of us can also benefit from this class. Once we're through it, there will be something else in our life that will benefit from our taking it again.)
I certainly experienced benefits. I have also been learning from my anger, learning how to respond to it instead of reacting, and while it's a slow process with a lot of trial and error, it is getting better. It's also a habit and things take time. --But we all deserve a little bit more of that now don't we? Time... and healing... Why not make the room for both of them?
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to message me on Facebook or send me an email. You can even text me if you know me personally and have my number.
Prayers to you friend.
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