Clanging Cymbals

I am a loud person. I always have been. I walk heavy. When I sigh, it's like I've been holding my breath too long and I am taking another deep one so that I can go back under. Sometimes I fidget. I slam doors. My fingers even stomp when they are typing. If my gum is good, I -enjoy- the chew. ... And I yell. 

I am sure that my neighbors must think I'm crazy. I seem to be yelling all of the time. "GET YOUR TAIL OVER HERE!" "GET YOUR SHOES." "WH- A-A-T ARE YOU D-O-OING?"  or "COME HERE" (Can you tell most of my yelling is at the kids? and my dogs.)

Sometimes when I start feeling that twinge of awareness about my yelling, I try to "phone a friend" to get the mood lighter and so I change my words to "HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, GLORY DIVINE. THIS CRAZY WOMAN IS LOSING HER MIND!" After a few more, crazy, sing-song thingys, I start to get less loud.

The sad part is, I am often not as angry as I sound. I'm like an animal that puffs himself all up, to appear bigger to the other animals, just so that no one else gets any wild ideas. I am bigger and we'll do this my way. Other times, I'm pretty sure it's an adult version of a temper tantrum. It's got to look ridiculous because the child version looks ridiculous. A big girl having them can't be any better. Getting a puffed up chest doesn't mean that I have more muscles. Just like getting louder doesn't mean that I have anything better to say.

I've really been trying to practice using my "inside" voice. I think that I've gotten a lot better but I can't wait to be completely free of it. The loudness is unnecessary. Sadly it creates more "noise". Then it's harder to hear the words.  I am just a "resounding gong or clanging cymbal” as stated in 1st Corinthians 13:1.

I believe that Joyce Meyer once said that If you think that you can't help the way that you are, pretend that you were in front of someone that you really wanted to impress; or consider whether or not your behavior would change in another environment. I thought about being at work. I couldn't imagine answering the phone at the top of my lungs because I was in a hurry. -Or yelling at another adult in a hall at school, or church, or the library because the person was dawdling instead of coming straight to me. I wonder what is it in me that might not want to impress my children or my dear husband. Aren't they the most important people in my life? When I come home from work and take off my work clothes, do I drop my respect and care in the same pile? Why wouldn't I want to impress them more than anyone else?

***

The next part is choppy so bear with me.

A blog I love is "An Inch of Gray". Last night I read it until I cried. Of course, if you read her post from 10/4/2011, you will find that it won't take long to cry in many of her posts. -And then I read some more- There is something about being humbled that just makes everything easier. I've gotten to where I am regularly seeking ways to dial my heart back down a notch. This time, I did it here.

And then I found this on another blog:

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” The only way to say this better is found in 2 Corinthians 9:7 - 8, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

I realize that such a petty little thing like yelling shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But that vast span of eternity can take a long time to cross if mine and my beloved are ever parted. I just don't want to hang on to old “should haves”. There is a giving in me that is even bigger than I am. I don't want a “petty little thing”, like being too loud, keep others from getting close enough to accept my gift(s).

And that is all.

Intentional Love

A friend shared this blog around Christmas. I love the imagery at the end. Having children myself, I know how excited they get when I am on their level. Since reading it, I've thought a lot about my relationships. -But with a slightly different tune.

The kids are probably the easiest example to use and so I will continue using them. How many times do I avoid getting on their level because I am too tired and I don't want to be beat up, or because there are dishes in the sink that need to be done instead. In the evening when the kids go to bed, I am usually trying to outrun them to my own. When they do go to sleep, I don't always stay up and talk with Colin. Then 7 days of this exact process becomes a week and then another. Then I scratch my head and wonder why I feel "disconnected". Why we all feel disconnected.

Jackson seems to be the easiest to stay connected to. I'm sure that maternal love plays a strong role in that and how, by instinct, I am naturally drawn more to the weakest/youngest child. But I am also still nursing. I make it a point to feed him several times a day. While he's in my lap, I play with his toes and sniff his hair and makeup silly songs about him.

As for everyone else, we're not always disconnected. We each take turns and sometimes those disconnects are outside of the house. Since reading that article, I half question, if the closeness that I feel with Jackson, is really because of how much more effort that I put into it. Even when I am too busy and too tired, I still make time to feed him because it is a necessity for him. Once I am finally sitting there, the other actions follow. Then my "want to and love for" get stronger.

Ist John 3:18 says "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I wonder, simply, what if I treated love as the necessity and acted on it instead of waiting to feel like doing so. Much like that article with God coming down; What if I intentionally went to where I knew that I could find that love and restore or create the connection.

Everyone is already there waiting. I know where I can find them. I just need to go and tap in.

Flooding waters or silent streams

Earlier this week, I read a post on a friend’s page. My friend is going through a trying time in a relationship and his post was left, most likely, in the heat of the moment. Usually, I just ignore those posts because they are none of my business. I understand the feeling that he was expressing though and know that there can still be goodness beyond that point if he can find the strength to push through.

The bible tells us repeatedly that feelings are misleading. ("The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Jeremiah 17:9 NIV84) I personally have felt the power of being able to believe that love was there, even when it wasn't felt; and because I pushed through and overrode my feelings, I was able to experience a restoration. - In more than one relationship. I wanted to encourage my friend that there could still be goodness beyond whatever hurt or anger that he was feeling now.

Either way, for whatever my reason or motive, I chose to reply on his comment. But the passion for my point took over and the words flooded from me.

To make matters worse, I really didn't know his situation. I had a fact wrong. Some of his friends took offense and jumped to his rescue. (With good reason)  James 3:5 says that "even a great forest is set a fire by a small spark." Instead of soothing anything, I had now started a new blaze. I promptly apologized because that wasn't at all what I intended.

We all need to control our tongue but as a "Believer" I need to control my own tongue even more so. God’s word is soothing and refreshing. I am called to encourage and share. However, instead of inviting my friend to talk, I just unloaded a bunch of words.  No matter how genuine they were and/or what the sentiment is behind them, the point is completely missed because there were too many, too fast and I, more than likely, blindsided him instead.

Ironically, I was trying to encourage my friend about resisting feelings and yet I didn't resist my own "feelings" to push a point... While I do believe the words I left; I didn't even ask him what he needed.

It reminds me of a silent and cool stream. On a hot day, I might be drawn to drink or swim, to sooth and refresh myself. However when you put a certain amount of force behind that same water, it can be used to cut, strip and destroy. My words were much like that of a pressure washer instead. Completely unleashed.

I hope that my friend either never felt the threat or quickly forgets it. However, for me I hope that it always serves as a good reminder.  The next time I feel that "flood" coming. Am I inviting others to be refreshed or will my force push them away.

***

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1:26 NIV)

Guided by the Spirit

Last week I went on a field trip with my daughter. She had been looking forward to this particular Clifford exhibit for months. The suspense for her was building as we walked inside and then stood in line to take off coats and wait for the restroom. "Can we go see Clifford now?" "Can we go see Clifford now?" 

Once we finally passed through the gate she took off running. I was yelling for her to stop but she had no awareness of anything except her desire to see Clifford.  Although she was running forward, she wasn't looking the same direction. Her head was to the left, to the right, up in the air, yelling "Clifford" and shrieking wildly. -Never once actually seeing anything, not even the people that had to step aside so that she didn't run into them. I was finally able to get her to slow down, just as she was coming up on another exhibit. She didn't stop. She just became aware of a near collision and that the path was changing. Fortunately for everyone when she rounded the corner, the big red dog was there waiting. Everyone was now safe.

As the day unfolded God used that example as a way to speak to my own heart about my own approach to things. I am eager to serve. I am eager to do. But even though I am moving forward how many other places am I looking instead of where I am going? Proverbs 16:9- says "The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps."  -If only we keep that ear tuned for all of the instructions.

Then several of my own recent commitments were brought to mind. Some were things that I prematurely committed to without waiting to see if it was his plan for me. How many times do I wait for the full set of instructions? I hear what I want. I get the gist and just start moving. Usually, I am trying to multitask the entire way to the finish line. Then I get agitated because too many things are happening and I find it hard to focus.

Galatians 5:13 says "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." I am free to do, but do I use that freedom to serve only myself and meet my own needs? Am I so consumed with my own agenda that I am barreling over others, without notice? Or am I truly serving my first purpose, to love, and then stopping to help or encourage someone else along the way? -No matter how busy or hurried I am.

The commentary in my bible from Galatians 5:16-18 says that being led by the Holy Spirit involves the desire to hear, the readiness to obey God’s word and the sensitivity to discern between my feelings and his promptings. Live each day controlled and guided by the Holy Spirit. Then the words of Christ will be in my mind, the love of Christ will be behind my actions and the power of Christ will help me control my selfish desires.

It also says that faith is expressed through love. Well, that pretty much puts it in perspective for me now doesn’t it? If I only seek his full directions first; I won’t find fulfilling them such a burden. Perhaps my own response is a good gauge for whether or not I am still on the original plan. If I find myself too busy or too agitated then that should be my indication that I have gotten off track. I should quickly stop and turn back for correction; making sure that my motivation is more about obeying than doing.

Walking the fence

My father and I do not get to see each other often. We try to talk regularly but via phone, is never as good as being together.  When we are together, we start all over catching up. We repeat summaries of everything that’s happened since our last visit. We pretend that we're joke tellers and philosophers. We interpret songs and try to unearth the meaning of life. Before we know it, it's the wee hours of the morning and we're discussing faith. Not just faith but almost always, the very subject of "walking the fence".

Sometimes our discussions are about a specific habit, hobby or attitude that might go against something that we say that we believe. Other times it's more general. -Perhaps an overall discussion about how one of us might not be ready to begin or pursue the next step with God because something in our life is either holding us back or might seem out of sync.  -We don't want to appear to be 'on the fence'.  After all, we're either for him or against him, right?

Here lately that subject has weighed heavily on my heart. What a huge misinterpretation that really is. I mean, are we ever good "enough" to come to God? If we had to wait to reach a certain place or level before coming to him, wouldn't that go against the very thing that Christ says he died to give us?  Romans 3:23 says that "we ALL fall short of the glory of God". Verse 24 says that "we are ONLY justified by his grace". Accepting him only takes a moment of faith but –becoming- like Christ is a LIFE LONG process.

Really, our entire relationship with God IS like walking on a fence, isn’t it? Sometimes we lean a little to the left and fall off. Other times we lean a little to the right and fall off again.  But when we can take our eyes off of ourselves and look to him; we gain a sense of balance and then finally momentum. It’s in God’s redemption of our personal failures that we develop confidence in him and learn that we can trust him with anything. Allowing the Holy Spirit to work in our lives, no matter how many times we have to start over, is how we come to understand what mercy really is.

I can’t help but visualize a child learning to ride a bike.  The new rider never gets on without training wheels and rules to the road. Even with those precautions in place, we never send the rider off on their own. We’re usually found right alongside with arms outstretched, chanting “You can do it!” It hurts us when they fall or wreck but at NO point, do we ever stop loving them because they fell.  Why, that even sounds absurd. We RUN to their rescue and pick them up to sooth them or encourage them to try again.

Over time, the child begins to remember those general guidelines. We can stand back and allow them to navigate within the boundaries that we have given. There will always be consequences. But there will always be freedom as well.

I think the word is a lot like those training wheels and rules.  It’s always there to refer back to. It never changes or waivers.  It’s up to us to decide when and when not to apply it. Christ is always there to catch or encourage us. But it is necessary for us to fall a little in order to understand why and how those boundaries apply to our life and how to appreciate all that God can really offer.  No matter what though, he never leaves us. Whether we’re a new rider or walking the fence, HE is our biggest champion. We just have to find the courage to believe…

Dad and I (about 1985) 

Stumbling Blocks

Recently I attended a birthday party at our church for a friend’s daughter. I was hovering a food table with 2 other parents, discussing something that I can't remember now. I don't know what was said or even asked but I got excited and said the 'D' word. **Sigh**

Cussing is one of the many areas that I struggle in. I pray about it. I think about it. I think about not thinking about it and it still happens. Most of the time, I say oops and move on. This day was very different.

As it turns out, one of the parents that I was talking with is a man that is still trying to decide what he believes in. We see each other at kid’s games and other social events. He knows that I've led bible studies in the Women's Ministry at my church for the last 2 years. When we see each other, God usually works himself into our conversations. On this day, we hadn't gotten that far yet. -But when I said the word, it startled the man. I mean literally. He jumped and took a step back and then started shaking his head. He said "Oh.... so you're not..."  And then he didn't finish his sentence. He refused to finish, even after my prompting, but I knew the implication.

I am usually an open book and up for a good teasing or deep discussion. However, seeing his reaction startled me. I am not really sure what I said after that either.  I tried to laugh it off. I tried to wipe it out by offering a disclaimer that I still make mistakes but the man just looked like he'd been slapped in the face. He was utterly confused.

I have thought about that moment and his reaction almost daily since it happened. While the bible does not state that cussing is a sin. We are called to emulate God and give him the glory (1Cor 10:31).  It also says that we are called to "build each other up"(1Cor 14:26). -As in help others establish their own confidence in Christ. We do this not only by intentional gestures of kindness or encouragement; but also by simply living in our day to day and by being an example.-Whether or not we intended to be one, because someone is always looking.

1st Corinthians 8 talks about the freedom of Christians. It uses the analogy of eating meat offered to idols. You can modify that whole chapter with anything that we do. If done too much, too little or at the wrong time, it can be offensive no matter what it is. Particularly if someone else believes that it's bad. Verse 9 says that we should be careful how we exercise our faith so that we are not a stumbling block to those that are weaker in it.

One of my Boss's favorite sayings is "Perception is reality". Meaning that if someone believes something is real, no matter what it is. Then it is real. -At least to them.  It doesn't matter how much I struggle to find the right way internally because all others see in me are what I present outwardly. If anyone that is looking to me for direction, believes that something I do is misguiding. Then guess what... I look like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. **Insert another sigh here.**

I am not trying to get legalistic and we certainly shouldn't get caught up trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. Thankfully, he sees my heart and he knows how remorseful I am. We should however at least consider the ripple that our one drop of water makes.

Proverbs 27:17 says that Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. I'd like to believe that I help sharpen others around me, in their faith, rather than dull them. If I weren’t so familiar with all of my flaws and shortcomings, how might they affect me, seeing them for the first time? Would any of them be so offensive that I was finally able to shake them loose?  Maybe 2013 will be a year of purging for me.  To take inventory of dead things that I have been holding onto and hopefully, finally let them go…

Just Accept

I love to listen to my 4 year old daughter who, without being asked, recounts the reasons why I love her. In addition, she also says "Mama aren't you glad that God gave me to you!" "Mama don't you think that I am SO pretty!" -Of course all of these things are things that she has heard me say to her. Her version of them is much cuter. -Sweeter.

I always giggle when she starts going because her ego is often bigger than she is. But for as much trouble as that could be later, I hope that she never loses her confidence. -We all know how fragile a girl's esteem can be. I'm glad that she is listening to something positive that I am saying.

Here lately, I've been thinking about her faith in what I say and how that compares to our faith in what Christ says. How often we complicate what God has to offer. Mark 10:15 asks us to believe as a child. Yet we demand proof. Oh, how the world has stained our view of what is acceptable and good. Honest and pure. -Something must be earned in order to be given.

We struggle with forgiveness because either we are still sinning or because we can't forgive ourselves. So we can't understand how someone else can simply make white, what we keep trying to scrub and scrub and scrub away. Well, here's a news flash. You and I will ALWAYS sin. He is the only perfect one and if he had the power to make us, he can certainly make us "new". Maybe even shiny.

Maybe we feel so unloveable that we can't fathom why he would love us. Jeremiah 1:5 says that even before he made us, he knew who were and then still chose to make us anyway. Psalms 45:11 says that he is enthralled by our beauty. -"Enthralled" really! I mean just close your eyes and envision Jesus holding you in his hand marveling at your every action.

The Lord doesn't brow beat us with what he wants us to know. He waits patiently for us to just wake up and say "oh yeah!!" "I accept, I accept!" Do yourself a favor and start trying to accept today. It's hard. I know. But pour your heart out and ask him to show you how to do this.

The next time you're alone in the shower, turn your face up to the heavens and say I am forgiven. I am made new. I am alive. I am loved. I am cherished. -add to it any promise that you can. Repeat it. But make sure that you are facing him when you do it. Shame makes us hide away and look down. I was surprised by how much this one simple gesture positioned my heart so that I could get a bit more Jesus in. Turn your face up like you're staring at the sun and just close your eyes and imagine that you are looking in his eyes. Don't argue or make excuses. Just stand there. Facing him. Repeating his promises to you and let his love wash over you.