Heart Transplant

As I reflect on 2013, I have started thinking more about the shape of the full year. As if I am doing an inventory in how it compares to other years. I feel as if there has been such a significant change, it will now set a standard for the years ahead.  

I ended 2012 coming home in the evenings feeling like I had to make up for ways that I was short changing my family.  Yet how are we ever able to "make up" for eight hours of a day that we can’t be a mom (or dad), when we only have three hours at night with homework, dinner, showers, etc.??? Why do we doom ourselves with such impossible goals?

Working outside of the home is hard enough but then I tried to keep up with friends. I tried to insert more fun. I tried to sign the kids up for activities so that they wouldn't miss out. …But each one of those additions seemed to come from and create more guilt and exhaustion. They just compiled “the things to do” and instead of satisfaction or contentment; I wound up with an app on my phone that organized all of my other lists. I was flat out fried. 

I said a prayer at a woman’s retreat in the fall of 2012. In retrospect, I realize now that it was such a desperate plea of my own heart.  “I am not getting this right God. You're going to need to remove some things from me, so that I can be what you created." As a woman that was never sure on where to draw boundaries, I usually didn't define them at all. In 2013 I suddenly felt myself draw a wide one. It was a vow to do nothing more than focus on God and family because I had no idea what I was even trying to offer anymore. Something had to give. 

I created a personal challenge to get over my fear of praying out loud by accepting every request for a year. Blogging was never on the radar.  I wasn’t even sure what “blogging” was. …I was just making strange little notes. I picked 3 things in the bible that I wanted to know more about. All of that simply set the tone…

All along I kept hearing the words “own it” and “doing a new thing”. It’s as if, I had to finally take ownership of all of my little fears and insecurities, in order to pick them up and hand them over one by one to God.  Looking back now, I see that 2013 has been such a purge as a newer version of me has been birthed.  

For all of the ways that I may have ever felt inadequate, I see now that so much of that was because I was trying to focus on too many different things. -Or maybe just a lot of the wrong ones. That admission reminds me of the verse 1 Corinthians 11:3 about how we can be “led astray by such a sincere devotion”. We desire to be good at everything and in our best intentions of “showing love” and “being good” and “doing the right thing” we just keep committing and keep on doing.

The irony of that is that we are called human beings, not human doings…. Where do we make time to be??? We are led astray doing what we think is best, instead of stopping and making sure that we have the right map. We feel guilty or that something is missing and so we add something new to the mix. -Eventually reaching burn out.

Acts 8:32 refers to “sheep that are led to the slaughter.” I don’t know about you but when I hear that verse, I picture sheep on a conveyor belt. They are just moving along, in a direction that someone else designed. They might be looking around considering the direction that they are headed. They might have a sense of doom but they are still steadily moving forward.  They might even be calling out for help in their own way. Yet, they are not actively turning around and trying to get off.

There’s another verse John 10:27 that says “My sheep listen to my voice. I know them and they follow me.”  Those sheep, hear their master’s call and come running. They leave whatever they are doing and go searching for his voice. Seeking their master.

Have you ever looked up or even considered the difference between look and seek? Gosh, what a difference between the two!  The dictionary says that to Look is to “turn with one's eyes toward something”.  To Seek is an action that means “to go”.

To sit at church on Sunday, I am a looker.  To read another’s book, or listen to another’s words, it’s all so second hand. We are only observing evidence of someone else who sought… While we do get something from it, it is so much different than finding it for ourselves.

This year, I was seeking God.  I felt polluted for a lot of good reasons. There was enough looking in my life to know that I was missing something. I was no longer content to watch.  I had to seek, to move, to flip over, to look behind, to pick it up and shake it upside down until something falls out of it. In doing so, I developed faith.

In my quiet time I called out to God and read my bible with a new fury. The chapters in Timothy freed my heart to only focus on family. As a parent, there is no greater ministry than our children. Working outside of the home, only magnifies the importance of that ministry. It’s OK to just be a mom.  What an honor it is, to JUST BE A MOM.

Somewhere between a study in James and a study in Galatians, I was convicted of how double minded I was at the basis of my soul. I’ve cried more than ever this year. I’ve had my heart broken again and again. As painful as it sounds, it was so very freeing.

It was my seeking that ignited a fire and cultivated a hunger for the MORE of the word.  I fasted from my "go to" preachers and study material and forced myself to go to God instead. I would wake in the middle of the night and the wee hours of the morning seeking. I'd scribble notes on a bedside table so that I wouldn’t forget what was pressed upon my heart when I awoke in the morning. Then I would try to squirrel away five more minutes here and there throughout the day to get back to where I’d left off.

If I started to lull in time with God or feel less enthusiastic, I hit my knees and forced another opening. Then I had to FIGHT to keep the spot. A LOT of other things were left undone as I practiced new or different habits. I even deleted the list app on my phone and started taking naps. It might sound silly but if you are tired and booked up, what exactly are you giving God? ...or your family? You have to force some of the changes. Life will not stop because you want to but God is always ready when you are!

I think that when most people consider their path with God, they refer to the verse in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is such an important nugget that follows that passage. It tells you how to find that plan and sadly it is seldom referenced. “¹²Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and FIND me WHEN you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. You've got to know the maker, in order to know the plan. 

His word does not say look at me with your whole heart. It says to seek me. Verse 13 doesn't say love me with part of your heart. It says all of it. God wants to do something new in your life but you have to put something new into it. You are going to have to become uncomfortable in order to do that. Then when you get comfortable at that level, you will need to grow uncomfortable again, and then again, in order to dig deeper. 

I’ve put up some weird posts this year that might not have seemed as glorifying as I intended.  I realize though that it was such a necessary part of this transformation.  For all the self condemnation that you may read between the lines, there is a woman that is emerging that surprises even me.

To be one of his sheep means that not only do we have to wake from our slumber and answer to his call. We have to leave what we were doing and surrender at his feet. Then let him comb over us to remove our splinters and thorns. No matter how painful or obvious they are to remove. It’s only when we give him our whole heart that he can do something new with it. 

In 2013, I gave my whole heart to God.  –or at least as much as I knew how to give at the time. I finally learned how to let my relationship with him become more important. In exchange for my whole heart, he is giving me a cleaner one. I can't help but feel like the most authentic version of me yet, as I let him renew the spirit that is within me.

I can't tell you the last time that I looked back on a year without regret of some kind. If I've had any regrets about 2013, they have only been cosmetic. The positive things that have come from this year far outweigh anything deemed as loss. 2014 might bring more purging, more challenges, or another surprise for me altogether. I certainly don't have it all figured out but this is a much better place to begin a new year. I welcome all of its possibilities with open arms.

I encourage you to make spiritual goals. I've created a list with some ideas for you to review. You can search for more online. Don’t be discouraged because you don’t see or feel an immediate impact. Don’t be discouraged when you are tested by friends or loved ones or if circumstances seem to get harder. Your faith and your commitment will be tested by more than one source. A LOT. Don't be discouraged because you don't see in your own life or faith what someone else seems to display. There are a lot of different components to building faith.

You (we) have to learn how to pray, how to get something from the bible, how to be a part of a church, how to give in your own way and how to confess your secrets, in addition to other things.  Like gears on a clock, each one of those rings move and cause something to happen but it takes learning how to use them all together in order to change time. The synergy comes from having an understanding of each piece on its own. Then you can start use them together! Start small and pick one or two. If you need a recommendation, focus on your prayer life in 2014.  If you can learn how to talk to God then he can help you with all of the other pieces later. If you want a second option, pick a church. Whatever it is, pick what you can or will commit to right now.

May we all have a beautiful, blessed and deeper 2014!

Spiritual Goals

As you are considering your new year's resolutions, perhaps this year, you’ll also consider making spiritual goals. Allow your relationship with God to become a focal point and then challenge yourself to draw closer.

The goal is to pick something specific, so that throughout the year, you can see that you are making progress. Then at the end of the year, you can hopefully look back with accomplishment. Even better, ask God to give you a little testimony at the end of 2014!

Put more in: 

1. Pick one of the following subjects to learn about and start incorporating it into your life; fasting, praying, worship, bible knowledge, etc. (Click the links for some recommendations on: Hearing God Speak, Prayer, Breaking apart bible verses.)

2. Create a plan to memorize scripture.

3. Instead of picking a plan to read the bible in specified time, find a character to learn more about. Then read all of the chapters and stories about that person. Study the commentary, biographies and then research other interpretations to see how God worked in that person’s life. Practice gleaning.

     Or just commit to finally answering some of those questions that you've had about the bible.

4. Increase your day so that you can get 15+ minutes more time in with God.

5. If you don’t have a bible that you like, get a better one. Get the extra features that you want. The more that you customize it to your liking, the more you will like it.

6. Make your commute time “God time” (Smartphones can help with sermons or audiobook apps.) Checkout “Oneplace.com”

7. Commit to being a part of church regularly or increase the time that you participate. (The trick is committing to one and then letting yourself get comfortable there. Not the other way around. If you don't want to go alone, I go here. Let me know when you want to attend and I will meet you.) 

8. Start a Bible Study in your own home or attend one.

9. Use time deliberately. Instead of surfing your phone every minute that you get spare time, try to absorb the quiet from around you, or replace that surf time with prayer time or learning time.

10. Practice stilling your mind.


11. Fast from your "go to" preachers and either try new ones or go directly to the bible.

12. Move "your pew" from the one in the back to one within the first five up front.

13. Make it a goal to know everyone in your church. Most churches have different services, groups, classes, etc.  Get comfortable in one and then try another. Don't aim to do it in one year. Get to know people, but then when you start to feel settled, get to know someone else. 

14. Choose a life verse.

Put more out: 

1. Make one of the next 6 a regular challenge (daily, weekly, monthly, or every ‘as it occurs’) with God.

2. Accept every offer to pray out loud.

3. Keep extra bibles on hand so that you can share/give them when needed.  

4. Invite someone to church.

5. Figure out how or what your testimony is.

6. Then Share it!

7. Find someone new to encourage and/or commit to mentoring one person.

8. Sign up to help in an area at church.

9. Find a way to donate or contribute your work/hobby to the Lord.

10. Start a prayer or blessing journal or simply start making notes about what you’re reading and thinking about as you grow deeper in your relationship with the Lord.

Make it a group effort:

1. As a family, how can you “Pay it forward” in a way that gives God the glory? Plan a regular mission.

2. Begin to pray with your spouse or as a family, even if it starts as the blessing before dinner.

3. Include a daily/weekly family/marital devotion as part of your routine.

4. Discuss personal spiritual goals and continue to check in with each other to see how God is working with each of you.

5. Make regular goals for your family. When life offers changes, pray for the vision to see how those changes line up your goals. 

6. Find a family to mentor or open your home up to ________________.

7. Spend more time together as a family. Take turns doing together the things that each of you like, instead of doing them all separately. God first, family second. It's your most important ministry!

You can research more ideas (and even worksheets) on line.

Verse: 

2 Peter 1:5-8  For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Removing The Plank | Devotion

You’re probably most familiar with the verse Matthew 7:3-5 for its stance on our judgment of others. 

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I don’t know about you but every time I hear that word “plank”, I picture a fence post, that’s 6” wide and 8’ long or even bigger.  It’s never just a small board. For whatever reason lately, I’ve been thinking about “planks”.  Not necessarily in the tone of judgment but more so in dealing with a problem.

Have you ever tried to imagine a plank in your eye?  If not, humor me and try it now. Suppose you suddenly realize one day that you have this plank in your eye. If you were in your house, you’d probably want to go to the bathroom where there was more light and a mirror to see this “this thing” that needs to be handled so carefully.

Yet, the plank is so big that you wouldn’t easily be able to get where you needed to be.  No matter how you tried to handle it, you’d probably trip over things on the way there or get caught on furniture and in doorways.  You would have to shift some things around and even handle yourself differently, in order to navigate your path.

If you have kids or pets, forget that bathroom altogether, because they would need to be in the bathroom with you. It would be over capacity by the time you got in there! So in disgust, you’d try to go outside instead, where there is more light and more room to actually remove a plank. By this time, you’re probably so frustrated that you really don’t care who sees you with this problem; you have to get rid of it!

You’re finally outside where you have enough room only to discover that there is another issue. Every time you try to pull this thing out, the far end just keeps getting caught in the dirt.  Your arms are not long enough to hold the opposite end up and you don’t have enough upper body strength to hold up and pull out this thing yourself. You would try it first, just to be sure. You might even wrestle with it for a while. Eventually, you’d realize that you need help.

Maybe neighbors or friends come to your aide. Some of the help might make the problem worse but enough of the right hands in the right spot would be able to free you from this situation in no time.  Even if you just backed up to get away from the problem, you’d probably still need someone to make sure that you didn’t get into a another type of trouble.

Once it was free, I could see how everyone would want to look you and the plank over and then celebrate in its removal.  No matter who helped you and how close you were, you’d always be bonded in a way by that experience.

As corny as it is, what I love about this image are the little things that I gleaned from it by visualizing the whole scenario.

Application

1. First, the saw dust and the plank are the same material, wood. Not just both a type of sin, offense or problem. They are the same. 

2. Ever notice how the thing that annoys you most about someone, turns out to be something that you’re guilty of too. Sigh…

3. Our natural instinct is to run to the mirror when something is wrong with our appearance to see how to fix it.  James 1:23-25 is a verse that references a mirror.  We should check his image to see what we need to get rid of or add in, in order to get our image right.

4. It’s impossible to deal with something (life altering) in a confined space. You will trip, get stuck, hurt yourself and others.  The only way to deal with it is by getting it out in the open.

5. Of course the Son’s light is always brightest!

6. You might know exactly what the solution is but you’re not always strong enough to remove or change the situation on your own.

7. Sometimes, problems can cause us to have blind spots. It’s good to have others that can help you see the full situation or to offer a view from another angle. You also need others to help support you where you are weak.  Sometimes, too many hands in the situation, can cause additional harm but even so, it’s still usually the fastest way to freedom.

8. Certainly when a group works together it brings unity, even if it’s only two people. How much stronger is the unity that is formed during the resolution than it is just in the celebration of victory?

9. Since we are all made to help each other, I wonder if by trying to hold things in, we also deprive the body of our relationships from developing proper trust, respect, appreciation and even the satisfaction of helping each other.

10. Sometimes our greatest ministry is not what we put into words but rather in what we allow others to witness in our own lives. -In showing others the way to victory! HOW we got there!  -Not in a manner that glorifies the problem but to reveal what God is doing in your own life.

11. Could you simply imagine how much lighter you would feel without trying to support the weight of a plank? 

12. Just like this picture, our planks are the only thing that separate us from freedom.

13. If you're helping someone else with their plank, you need to be just as careful with your end (as if it were your own plank) so that you don't further injure the other person.

Prayer

Father God, Thank you for the ability to see a new perspective by using the gift of an imagination. All things in your creation are mighty when used in your power. What a unique design you have given the body to not only help others but to receive help when needed. The unison and harmony that is created and balanced by the give and then the take. Please still our minds so that we can see, not only where we can give more, but where we should also allow others in; If not to develop our own appreciation of their gifts, then to witness to those, who do not yet know where to turn.  Your peace is amazing! Your grace is transforming. Your love endures forever!

Small Things | Devotion

At around the age of two or three, each child started giving me rocks and other small things that they would find, usually walking in our own yard. At first, I would “ooh” and “ahh” and set the item down on a shelf. After a few days, I would toss it back into the yard or trash when the kids weren't looking.

Then one day, I heard or read that toddlers and small children will give adults small things to build trust. The message even mentioned rocks. If children find that they can trust you with their gifts, then they will increase what they give and/or trust you with as they get older. Obviously, I was convicted and I began to see those gifts as the treasures that they were. So, I started saving them.

While, I haven’t been able to save them all, it’s not unusual to find a bowl in any room of my house with a rock, dead flower, or stick, etc. The bowl in this picture lives in my bathroom. You might not be able to tell from the picture or even in person but the contents of this bowl, is not just “ordinary rocks”. 

There are shells and ore from the vacations on the beach. A plastic “DIAMOND” that Sophie couldn't believe that she had found. A real opal (as it would be found in nature). It was a gift from a cousin but it is also Ethan’s birthstone. A piece of coal from my second father’s home; which also happens to be the raw form of Jackson’s birthstone. (I am seeking a blue sapphire rock for Sophie’s birthstone, if you have an extra to spare.)

Either way, it holds a variety of small things that either mean something to me or meant something to someone else. They are so much more than dirty old rocks in a bowl. Each one of them has a story. This bowl has truly become something that I treasure; if not for what they are physically, then for how they touch me emotionally or spiritually.

It reminds me of the verse Luke 16:10-12. ¹⁰ “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. ¹¹ And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? ¹² And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?

As I reflect on the verse and those rocks, I wonder what other small things in my life might appear to be nothing on the surface, but upon closer look, would I find that they had more significance? I’ve included some questions below. May they provoke your own thoughts to search your heart and habits. If one of them touches you, pray about it and dig deeper.

Application Questions

What distractions or rocks might I remove from my life, only to discover that they either held a bigger significance or were blocking something even greater from entering my life?

Am I aware of all of the things and relationships that have been entrusted to me? What might I take for granted or not even notice?

What “mountains do I make” out of small things that should be forgotten? Which small things should I replace them with so that they can be remembered?

Am I willing to trust God with my small things or even give him something that I treasure?

Do I care about matters that are significant to others, even if they do not seem important to me?

Prayer

Father God, I pray that you touch each of our hearts with items that can be more or less beneficial to our lives. Give us the courage to consider how we might benefit from change, as well as the strength to make decisions based off of those convictions.  Your way is not just the "better" way, it's the only way that leads to freedom. Thank you for the gift of your spirit and your love.

James 4 | Scripture

I wrote a testimony about this chapter recently. Here is my interpretation of the scripture based on that testimony. This is the NIV translation.

Submit yourself to the Lord

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? Some of the causes for inner fights are: Insecurity, Pride, Fear, Indecisiveness, double mindedness and focus on self.

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. Instead of asking God to help you see your special purpose, you desire to be like others. You seek man's approval instead of God's. You desire to be more like others, instead of more like Jesus. Your misdirection kills & destroys the gift that God specifically planted in you. Seeking to put yourself first also damages your relationships with others. 

3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. Instead of asking him to help you get closer to him by a love of prayer or love for his word or discernment, you ask God for other things. Usually those requests are meant to make life more comfortable for you. Drawing closer to God is not always comfortable. However, his glory and your peace are found in those things that bring our discomfort for the Lord.

4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. We are adulterous for loving people and things in the world more than God.

5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? Do you think that scripture lies? Do you believe that you were really born to desire what others have, instead of the gift or life that God created? We are designed to crave the spirit within us more than anything else. We just misread the signal and try to fill that craving with everything else but God. Scripture tells you what your heart yearns to know. 

6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” if we seek him first. If we recognize how wrong our motives are and just ask him to heal our unbelief, to hear our hearts, to open our eyes, even if we don't think that we need it. He will help us. He will rise up within us and meet us where we are.

7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Challenge yourself to draw closer to God.  It will be hard because the devil will attack you with thoughts that will make you want to give up and with tests that are meant to derail you. Focus on the Lord every way that you know how and don’t give up. Eventually, when the devil realizes within each battle that you won’t give up, he will flee.  (Until the next decision that you make for the Lord)

8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Cleanse your life by changing your habits. Make some radical changes designed to draw you closer to God. Don’t think about what you want or what others want.  Choose God. Choose Life. He will come to you in return.

9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. To crucify flesh is a painful process. Drawing closer to God is not a simple process. It’s not all joyful either but glory is in the other side.

10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. When you are willing to face yourself and your flaws and hand them over one by one to God, he can do something with you. He will convict you of the changes that you need to make in your personal life that will bring you true joy.

11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.  God made each of us with a purpose. We are each full of sin and none of us are better/worse than another. We should stop comparing ourselves, lives, things etc. Instead encourage each other. Pray for each other. Pray and encourage yourself as well. When you sit in judgment of the law, you’re attempting something that is only God’s right.

12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? Don’t forget where you came from.

Boasting About Tomorrow

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” You will schedule things so tightly that you aren’t available to God’s plan. You will wear yourself out. You will not enjoy what God offers or the intent of life because you are too exhausted by your plans.

14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. You simply do not know what will come of tomorrow. Life is fleeting. Do not waste it.

15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” Seek him first.  Don’t be afraid to not commit to things. Sometimes God has last minute plans. Being available to those, will bring greater joy.

16 As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. Again, you do not know what tomorrow brings.

17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. Sin isn’t just doing what is wrong. It is also not doing what is right.

To Be A False Prophet

I got the opportunity recently to attend a bible study on James with some friends outside of church. We used to attend study together regularly and it was good to see everyone again.  Since, I’ve been considering leading bible studies myself; it seemed like a good opportunity to see how someone else might lead a class like that.

I wasn’t able to attend all of the sessions because I had some previous commitments but I know that my "divine appointment" was scheduled for the night that we read James 4. Pretty much the minute that the Pastor started reading the word, I began to weep. I continued throughout the duration of class as the Pastor switched from testimony to verse and then testimony to verse again. When we stood up to pray, I will never forget the strong stream of tears that continued to drip onto my boots.

It might sound a little strange to explain it that way but I know that it was a holy experience. Friends consoled me with looks and hand holding. I wasn’t hurt, nor was I sad. A friend reminded me that tears were a cleansing of the spirit. At the end of class, I still couldn’t explain what on earth I was so moved by. It continued to puzzle me for days.

I asked God to tell me what on earth was happening. I thought that most of my reaction was toward the Pastor’s testimony, although I couldn’t personally identify with most of it.  I can’t even tell you much of what I heard that evening. What was it about his testimony that touched me?

On day three the words “testimony means something” satisfied that question. In the weeks leading up to this moment, I had been questioning if I should continue sharing my testimony. I just don’t feel like a preacher and I can’t seem to find a comfort level telling others how to be.  Is it an arrogance that I only talk about my own relationship? Those words (testimony means something) gave me my answer. We don’t have to have all the right words or even the same experiences to be moved by how God works in someone else's life. No matter what is said, it is a reminder that God is not just an eye in the sky, he is with us daily.  He is alive. HE touches people.

While I let that conviction settle, I also realized that in days since the class, I have peace. An unusual, strange, quiet, breath of peace.  While I have been practicing relaxing more, this seemed effortless and new.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say that it felt like a fog was lifted. I don’t recall ever feeling so clear.

What on earth happened in that class God? I get that testimony means something but why would knowing that bring me peace when I’ve already been sharing my own testimony. There must’ve been something in that chapter that I am missing.

***

If you are not familiar with the 4^th chapter of James, it is a chapter that deals with pride. I have never considered myself a prideful person. (Except in how much I don't want to need help from anyone else.) I am happy for other’s successes and I don't mind being the first to apologize. I also recognize that like a puzzle, we are we all designed to be pieces of a complete body.

I never saw myself as a perfectionist because I made so many mistakes. I also leave so many things unfinished because I don’t have the time to make all things “perfect”. It strikes me on some level that maybe being a perfectionist is more about never being satisfied with what is done, not resting until… or always finding error with... Simply desiring perfection.

Maybe I would be relentless in perfecting things, if I had more time. I cringe because isn’t "desiring to be perfect", in some ways an aim to be like a God in my own mind. A desire to not need him. Would that make me an idol to myself? Gah!! I hesitate to ask this but do I even desire perfection more than I desire God?

I would guess that most of us recognize that a prideful person has some level of insecurity. Although, I wonder how many people that struggle with insecurity, also recognize it as a pride problem. In fact most of my life, I thought that they were quiet opposite. If you sit down to do a comparison of similarities many of their characteristics are indeed the same. 

In fact, the only real difference is the target of the negative attention. On one end of the pride spectrum the target of negative attention will be directed at others. On the other end of the target will be self. I found this self-exam that identifies characteristics of Pride verses Humility. Read through it slowly. Except, in the pride column, also consider it the “insecure” list. You might need to replace the word “others” with self. 

It’s a pretty eye-opening list, huh?

Both Pride and Insecurity are forms of egoism which means - excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance. They both deal directly with esteem and can be blinding. Let me even go so far as to call either a preoccupation with self that keeps us from having a proper perspective on God or others. Meaning that we can work in the Kingdom, we’re just not doing as much good as we think that we’re doing if we can’t let our own self image go long enough to focus on why we’re even here.

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I first read that comparison in 2/2012.  What was it that caused me to get it now?  If something struck a chord back then, I didn’t remember it. I’ve had thoughts about my insecurity before but why am I suddenly getting break through?  Is it because I am finally writing down everything that I am considering? -Mulling over each morsel again and again, rearranging words and thoughts until they complete a picture? Is it because I finally turned off everything else but God and I finally sought his full council instead of the council or approval of others? 

The Tuesday before that class, I heard “Spirit Song” for the first time by John Wimber. There’s a line “O let Him have the things that hold you”. -Not the things that I hold, but the things that hold me.  I lifted up a prayer. God remove anything from me that I don’t see. If it holds me, break it loose…

While our stories are not quite the same, I am reminded of the story of Saul. In Acts 9 verses 17-19 the Lord delivers him from a blindness and something like scales fell from his eyes. Suddenly, he was able to see. I can’t help but feel like the thing that held me was so big that it blinded me to its impact on my life and who I have been. Because it covered me, there wasn’t much escape by my own free will. Maybe that simply defines the expression “Strong Hold”. I had to surrender to God and let him peel back the layers and work it loose.

I don’t ever remember a time that I wasn’t that way. I have always worried about what someone else wanted or expected of me.  Then I would catch myself and say, “wait a minute, what do I want or what do I need?” I would then go the complete opposite direction.

It was really no wonder I was so awkward. This is the complete epitome of double-mindedness. I should’ve been asking all along, what does God want from me? What does he need me to do? Shouldn’t Jesus be the ONLY example that I compare myself to? Shouldn’t the holy-spirit and God be my main accountability partners?

You might have wondered why I titled this “To Be A False Prophet”. What does that have to do with the measure of pride or insecurity within us? I knew the 10 commandments. I was a believer in Christ.  I went to church regularly and had a kind of relationship with God. I was claiming what I wanted to be but I wasn’t letting go of what I was. My struggle with perfectionism, blinded me to grace that was already given. I have been a false prophet because how on earth could I ever expect anyone else to believe in my God, if even I couldn’t submit my own self (Mind AND Heart) to him?

And check this out- If we believe that God is good and that he is ALL powerful-  If we believe that everything that he makes has purpose and that he is not wasteful nor does he make mistakes. Why can we not accept that he knows what he's doing when he makes every single one of us?!?! Gosh, our thoughts can be such Blaspheme!!

While I do not think that I have all of those characteristics, the ones that I did have were deep. If others see a prideful person as insecure, I shudder to think how arrogant and prideful my  insecurity made me appear in front of others. How draining I must’ve been to them at times in order to satisfy my ego?

I am so thankful for good friendships and mentors and prayer warriors that persevere with me. Thank YOU. I am also thankful that God pointed that out to me before someone else got the chance to. Whew!

To see my interpretation of the associated scripture, click here.

Application Questions

If I put my heart on the scales, where would my measure faith verses measure of pride/insecurity fall?

Is my insecurity or pride bigger than anything or everything else in my life?

How might I give God Glory in my own life. Instead of focusing on my need to win the race am I willing to let him simply lead me though it?

Which one of these actions take up the most of my time or thought: How to get myself or others closer to God, how to help others or how to justify/rectify my own actions? 

Read the self exam do you identify with any of those prideful characteristics?  What if you label them as Insecurity and redirect those characteristics to self instead of others.

Click here, If you would like to read more characteristics about pride from another site, Revive Our Hearts. They have a lot of articles about Pride and Humility. In another article about Broken People there is also a list of the characteristics of Brokenness.

Just a thought because this might not always be the case but I am surprised by how many times women cry and simply write it off as hormones or some simple normalcy about being a woman.  Maybe the next time that you find yourself crying for no reason, ponder the entire moment.  Search your soul to see if maybe there really is a reason after all. Give yourself some time to pray and think about that answer and then write down all of those crazy little thoughts that go with it.

Thanksgiving | Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today we come together to celebrate your provision, your good works, the gift of life... What an opportunity and blessing that it is for us to simply give thanks. There is nothing slight about a thankful heart. Carry us back to such a humble purpose. 

As we sit down today to let food satisfy a physical hunger, let the fullness and satisfaction of it serve as a reminder of you. -Not only of what you have already done but that you still have something more to offer. It is the fullness of you that satisfies not only the appetite for life but also the very hunger of our soul. As we draw closer to you, we find that we need no other provision. It IS only you that can make our heart glad. Only you that we can rejoice in!

Open our eyes and ears to your spirit so that we can fully discern 'meaning'. Let your song bubble up in us, in a way that opens our mouths and hands in a dance of thankful response. Let the overflow spill forward in a way that leads us along your path. For thine IS the kingdom, the power and the glory. Forever and ever Amen.

Psalm 95:2-3

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving, Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.  For the LORD is a great God And a great King above all gods.