It’s all in what you believe…. Check your filter.

I have been sharing several of my Celebrate Recovery testimonies lately. But before I started this 12-Step program, I went to see a counselor. Now, I have been to counselors before for various reasons. Some of them with great success. Some of them were mediocre experiences, maybe even pointless. This time, it changed my life! I’ll share his contact info at the end of this post for anyone who is interested but first I want to tell you about my experience.

The Experience

Have you ever heard the song Turn, Turn, Turn by the Byrds? The lyrics to the song are actually a good chunk of Ecclesiastes 3.  The verses tell us that there is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Other work that I could have been doing on my own could have led me to this exact junction- where it was the right time for me to finally ‘get it’. Or perhaps this guy had superpowers. I believe that it was a little of both.

Terry, my counselor, happens to be an Anglican priest. (Now don’t check out because there is a religious affiliation or because his affiliation is different than yours.) He will discuss this with you at the very beginning of the session. You can choose how much or how little of this you want in your therapy. I, of course, wanted the whole shebang.

During the sessions, he uses a whiteboard to draw out a table. Then he explains how you and I don’t do anything unless we ‘feel’ like it. Your action is tied to an emotion. That emotion is first tied to a thought. Our thoughts are so ‘fast and furious’ that they happen in NANO seconds. So we don’t even realize that we’re thinking them. The next thing we know we’re down some bunny trail in our head… and getting worked up.

He’ll give you a formula to help you catch yourself. (And it will take a while for you to get in a good practice of using it. I certainly haven’t mastered it.)

THEN he starts working with your beliefs.

Everything that you and I think is first tied to our belief system. For a lot of us (probably all of us), we’re built on a ‘limiting’ belief system. The fear of failure, rejection, punishment, and shame. Then he talks you through the opposite of those beliefs in order of their contrasting partner: justification, reconciliation, propitiation, and redemption.

All of this is in the table too and in each session, you’ll pick back up right where you left off in the last session. He takes good notes and redraws the table every time. (You should take a notebook in case you want to take notes too.)

Now you’re probably like, how the heck is that going to help me? But LET ME TELL YOU…. He will blow your mind. Especially if you come in with some examples of ‘crap gone wrong’ in your day-to-day. He will show you how that’s tied to your faulty belief system.

I can’t remember every example that we worked through. There were big ones. There were little ones. But it got to a point where I couldn’t wait to tell him about some issue that I was having so he could show me what the heck was off in the scenario. And I’m kind of a mess so there is always good content to use. Haha.

Anyway, EVERY single time, it was fear of failure and I never saw it in the ‘heat of the moment’. In fact, one of the few scenarios that I do remember from our sessions involved my daughter, a hockey cleat, and a fit between both of us.

The Scenario/Example

Every time we left hockey practice, I would make Sophie put all of her gear back in her bag. I was kind of crazy about making her put it away before we ever left the field because if she carries it to the car, and drops or forgets something, I won’t notice. My mind will have moved on to the next ‘to do’ before ever leaving the field. So, for my sanity. I need to know that it’s where it’s supposed to be because she’s still trying to get a handle on keeping track of stuff too.

Anyway, so all items SHOULD have been in the bag before the next game day. I watched her put them in there. Then game day comes along. I tell her, Hey Soph, we have to leave in an hour. Please go into your room and get dressed. Double check your bag to make sure it’s all in there. (This sounds neurotic and sometimes it is. But sometimes they also pull everything out and lose it, during play, just for funsies, or to test my sanity. I dunno.)

Sophie disappears for a while. Then returns. She assures me that she has it all together. She’s wearing the uniform. It’s a positive sign. She runs out the door to play with her friends. 30 minutes later she comes in and I notice that she’s not wearing cleats. She assures me that she has them but she doesn’t want to wear them because they are playing on the trampoline. I’m hesitant to accept this but she’s already out the door again before I decide.

Five minutes before walking out the door. I tell Sophie to send her friends home and to go put her cleats on. After the friends leave, she disappears down the hallway to her room. Then hysterically comes back ‘I can’t find one of my cleats! I SWEAR I just had it, momma.’

(See what I mean…?)

Now, I’m still growing in my patience area. I try not to be a control freak and a helicopter mother but dang it I have no idea how to balance this ‘let you do it, but also make sure that it gets done…’ They’re kind of a contradiction. Haha

I’m irritated now. I kind of want her to know it. She did have opportunities to get it together.

We’re just going to gloss over how many opportunities God gives me to do the same.

She completely shuts down in the hallway, crying like the world is ending. Meanwhile, I am swiftly overturning the universe in her room looking for a NEON YELLOW cleat that should be on the surface somewhere if we really ‘just had it’. –And I hate being late.

I find the cleat.

Would you like to know where it was???? I know you do…

It was under her bed.

But not just under her bed. It was all the way back, by a wall, behind a village of trolls and protected by the frontline of clothes and stuffed animals or something. I mean really, I have no idea how the heck it got there. The trolls weren’t there so I couldn’t ask them. I have no idea why they would take her cleat and put it there in the first place. It wasn’t a very nice thing to do. Especially before a game…

But we’re both in an emotional tizzy now because I cannot figure out how to get my kids (or life) together without being responsible for it all…

Next session- I CAN’T WAIT to tell Terry about the scenario. “–What the heck just happened here??? This happens all of the time. Can you please help me???”

He smirks a little and says ‘Sure. That’s fear of failure.’

I’m confused: ‘Wait- ‘What? For me or for her?’

Terry: ‘You.’

Me: How’s that failure for me over her cleat. I could care less about cleats. That was on her. It was hers and she couldn’t find it? Just stating the obvious.

He goes onto say that he would have taken her barefoot to the game. And before I can say it, he adds [paraphrased of course] that we know she wouldn’t be able to play. She’d have to sit on the sidelines. This, of course, would ‘let the team down’ and since I am her mother, I should have her ‘more together’. So her ‘not being ready’, is a reflection of my not doing what I think I ought to be doing right… ahem, failure on my part.

**poof** mind blown.

Then he says that if I let her go without the cleat. We would have been on time. AND she’d either be so embarrassed about not having her cleat, or disappointed about not getting to play, (or both) that she’d be sure to have it next time, or she’d get the hang of it pretty soon.

I am speechless, while slightly relieved AND annoyed.

This happens over and over again in my sessions. (You can trust that we talked about more than hockey.)

Each time, he draws on the board. We track it back to one of those ‘nanosecond thoughts’ that was connected to a belief. –And because that thought, led to a feeling, I reacted…’ grrrr.

But I also learned that some things that I thought were failures on my part, were actually just natural consequences or results of other things that may not have been my responsibility or sole responsibility in the first place.

RELIEF like I have never felt before washes over me.

Then another wave of anger about how much I torture myself over things that may not even be my fault.

Heck, he even told me that I knew more scripture than a lot of the people that he counseled and that we could go deeper than some other sessions but that I didn’t ‘use it right’. **Slap in the face** It turns out that even though I am a pretty spiritual person, I am also a rule follower which makes me a little legalistic in a few areas. Even though, I try so hard not to be…

Now, switching gears for a minute

I shared a post recently about how our beliefs can become masks. And boy are they! They are also like filters. Our belief system colors everything that we see, hear, think, feel and touch.

Everything gets processed through that filter. –The mask of how we see the situation.

Just to be more specific, it filters the way that we interpret conversations and dialogue in relationships like feedback. It filters how we decide what someone means with their actions or intentions. It even translates what we take in and interpret from sermons, scripture, and the internal voices that we listen too.

Our masks/filters can have a lot of blind spots/blockages too.

As a friend recently said, you can’t get away from yourself, and it’s true. Your belief system is with you everywhere you go. So, if your belief system has a problem or glitch in it; then when you’re trying to come up with a solution to something, your original problem [belief system] is going to be in it. It can throw the whole calculation off.  -That kind of ‘equating’ will be in everything that you do, everywhere you go. (Not just hockey cleats.)

Shift again

Now I’ve only been chewing on this next ‘aha’ for about a week. So, hopefully, God can put the same punch behind it when you get to it.

If a faulty belief system can make you doubt yourself, God, or God in you. Then when we face situations, we can allow those events to mold or define us. Then we’re giving other events and people more power to influence our life, instead of us learning from and becoming the influencers ourselves. -You know, using what we’re born with [and honing in on] our heart, our instincts, intuition, and faith.

[The punch is coming, tune in]

This is especially important to note when it comes to a negative event. If we let a negative event define us (or cause us to shrink back); is it possible that we’re shaping ourselves to fit perfectly (or even better) with more of those kinds of events?

Could it be that our vessel becomes an easier device for capturing those kinds of things…Gah!

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Um, God didn’t make us for THAT!

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Then Romans 12:2 hit me. ‘Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’

I think it’s fair to say that most of us take ‘conforming to the world’ to mean ‘do not be like the ungodly and/or to let our fleshly desires run our lives’.

But from another angle wouldn’t backing down because we’re afraid of what people think, or because we don’t want to hurt feelings, also be conforming to the world?

Wouldn’t letting insecurity (I can’t do) or even our pride (I deserve this) be letting the ego run our course? And wouldn’t that also be like conforming to the flesh in another way, instead of leading with the divine light within?

The other part of that verse says to renew your mind. Since our beliefs and thoughts happen in nanoseconds, we need to be on point about renewing it as well. So this is not just a daily thing but it could be a minute by minute thing. –And your emotions could be a spectacular queue that you haven’t checked yourself in a little while. –Ahem, or checked that filter and cleaned the goop out. At the end of this post, I will include some things that have really helped me renew my mind in the last few months. They’re pretty stinking amazing when I remember to put them into practice.

For now, let’s wrap this up.

I don’t know what, if any, part of this resonates with you but we all have some sort of issue that we’re working on. We all have something off in our belief system too. (I know that I still do even with this new revelation.) This post isn’t just about personal limiting beliefs. Sure, you may already have a set of beliefs about how much you can handle or what you think the solution is. But it’s also about our limiting beliefs regarding others. You may have beliefs about who God is or is not, or how you expect him to handle things. You probably also have beliefs about what counseling can or can’t do.

It’s also true that Counseling, a 12-step program, or even a savior won’t fix all of your problems in one fair sweep. In fact, many of our issues get a little messier, at least at first. –Because we start unpacking things and have to get a little dirty. But it has to start somewhere….

Maybe like the Byrd song, your time is now.

And getting to the bottom of something…. Despite the help or mess that it took to get there, isn’t that a reason to celebrate?

I’m celebrating with you. You can do it! Here’s information about my counselor and also about a Celebrate Recovery Step Study Program that you can still join for a limited time.

Insight Neurofeedback and Counseling

Terry Troyer

354 McLaws Circle, Suite 3
Williamsburg, VA 23185

757-345-5802

https://www.insightnf.com/

Celebrate Recovery Step Study

Taking place at Northside Church

Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm

Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm

1300 George Washington Memorial Highway,

Yorktown, VA 23693

757.595.5890

http://www.crnorthsidecc.org/step-study.html

As for those ways to renew your mind, print out the following questions or take a picture/screen shot of them in your phone. The next time you’re in the heat of a moment, run through the list. (I am trying to do the same. Remember, it’s a practice.)

1. Ask yourself if it’s true? Do you know for certain that the thing you’re ruminating over is true? A lot of times we make assumptions, even judgments, about the situation, about others, and about ourselves. If it’s not a fact, then it may not be true at all. There is no reason to waste time on something that isn’t even real. If you’re getting wound up, stop and ask yourself if it’s true. (That’s part of that calculation from Terry!)
2. Are you in the now? The following quote comes from the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle and it’s a rich one. “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” The next time you’re all worked up also ask yourself if you’re in the present moment or are you going back to the past or leaping into the future. If you can just focus on and be in the moment of what you’re doing now, that helps a lot. It also makes life more enjoyable.
3. Are you judging it? When something negative does happen, even if it’s a result of your actions, don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s now in the past. Judging yourself, others or an event is a sin but it often takes you down that ruminating path again. Ask what you can learn from it, then figure out how to apply it. (That comes from a different book called ‘Change Your Questions, Change Your Life’ by Marilee Adams)
4. Slow your life down. Part of the problem is that we’re too darn busy. (Kind of like leaving the hockey field with my daughter and I’m ‘in the future’ thinking about the next to do.) Sometimes life offers no spare time. But more times than not it does. We’re the ones creating such busy schedules. It takes just as much effort to clear it. It has been much easier for me to ‘check myself’ when I am not in a rush to something else. Which means that it also helps me not react because there’s time to process or take a break when I need to.
5. Prayer and Meditation. There aren’t enough things that I could say here. Whether it’s meditation on scripture or meditation by stillness, there are benefits to both. –But that’s a whole separate post. Prayer is also one of those things that should never be a last resort. At least for me, it’s the first place to start.

Sometimes the ways that we shield others, keeps us confined instead. Remove the masks.

The events that I am getting ready to share aren’t exactly what sent me to recovery. I was struggling with anger and so I sought counseling. The insight that I gained and the decisions that I made as a result of counseling led me to attend Celebrate Recovery.

While I feel that I have things to share from beginning my journey, I won’t dare say that I am finished with it or anything like that. I’ve got a long way to go and ‘recovery’ is really more of a lifestyle and an ongoing effort moving forward.

But there are a few things that have surprised me about my journey so far.

The first is that childhood stuff comes back.

We all have those stories or memories, now don’t we?!

I always thought that those things ‘came back’ until you forgave them, or dealt with it, or whatever. Then they were ‘done’. It turns out that even when you think you’ve made peace, it can still hold you hostage. By that, I mean, that it has become a part of the mold that holds you (parts of you, the whole you, or the real you) in. We’re oblivious to the little ways we’ve learned to trap ourselves thinking that we’re keeping ourselves or others safe, or by thinking that we can control outcomes.

Um, we can… but I don’t think it works like we think it does.

As for me and that childhood stuff, well here are just a few examples:

On an ordinary day when I was about 7 or 8, I asked permission to get something. It wasn’t anything unusual. Most of us would have it (or something similar) in our day to day. When permission was granted, I got what I wanted but also pulled a typical kid move, and got something a little different than what I asked for. (Of course, pretending that ‘I didn’t know the difference…’)

Now in the grand scheme of things it was something that most of us would never think another thing about. But for whatever reason, it led into a pretty long and violent event within a few minutes between other individuals. I wasn’t the target and I didn’t see the whole thing. But I definitely watched part of it and heard it all. The parts that I was exposed to was certainly enough and too much for my little mind or spirit.

It could have been days or weeks later (but to me it was the very next day) that my parents sat me down to tell me that they were getting a divorce. For years, I was convinced that I had caused all of these terrible things to happen because I got something that I wanted but really didn’t need.

Later on, I thought that I did a good job of working through it because as a teenager, I forgave the people involved. I even excused myself from the responsibility of all parts except the initial decision to get something different than what I asked for. I forgave myself for that part too. I didn’t harbor any feelings about it (or so I thought). I didn’t ‘go back there’ and if for some reason I did, there weren’t any reactions or feelings to it. It sucked. But that was a fact. We’re ALL human. We’re sinners. We hurt and we hurt others. It ‘was what it was’.

That is until it popped up in recovery.

It was then that I realized that this single incident was the first event that made me never want to inflict such pain on another human being with my choices again. There wasn’t anything that I needed or wanted bad enough to take that kind of chance. So, I guess I started building this ‘tough girl’ façade and tucking away little parts of me underneath.

Now in all of my 8-year-old wisdom, I am certain that the decision wasn’t across the board. But other events continued to shape me in this area. And while I may not know the cause of each of my decisions, I continued to seal off parts of myself. Here are a just few more examples:

In 5th grade, I changed my name to ‘Reggie’. Partially because no one could pronounce my family name ‘Lucie’nne’. (Reggie is short for my first name, Regina). But as it turns out, in hindsight, there were two other events in that exact same season that wounded me deeply and I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wonder if my mind tricked me into changing my name for practical reasons and disguising my ache to become different. Thus tucking away another piece.

Later on, in high school, the grunge era came into play. If you categorized me by look, I do not think you’d ever classify me as grunge, but I wore layers, and flannel shirts, and darker colors. As strange as it sounds, much of it was boys clothing. Shirts, pants, even tighty-whiteys (which happen to be crazy comfortable, by the way).

I have always been more of a tomboy and this may not have been anything other than a girl exploring styles and comfort. But it was uniquely timed again with something else that threatened my own sexuality. I may not have been equipped enough to know how to handle it. So, I wonder again, if I subconsciously chose to cover up.

A little after high school, I wrote a poem. At the time I was proud of my creativity and I never really took it to be more than a smart collection of words that I captured by pen. However, very plainly now, I can see the inventory of what I literally ‘packed up’ during another angry and lost period of my life.

It was as if subconsciously, I had decided that who I was, even when I wasn’t trying to do anything different or to be anything special, kept bumping into these yucky circumstances. And I somehow internalized and translated all of it to mean that I must not have been handling ‘me’ very well. (Hmmm, the root of fear of failure).

As I got older, there would be similar experiences and reactions where I would do this again, and again, and again.

I am sure that if you pause for a moment now, some event(s) from your own life, will flutter to the surface in similarity, even if the defining moments or your response wasn’t the same. There are layers that shaped you, which changed your beliefs about yourself and how you interacted with the world around you.

I am kind of new to this concept, but I think it’s this layering that becomes our masks, known as ego so that others do not see who we are. -The parts of our pride and insecurity where we think that we have to be or become something other than what we are, in order to keep the peace, make others comfortable, or to obtain a certain status.

I won’t dare say that I know enough about ego or recovery to pinpoint how we get there, how we recognize our need for recovery, get a breakthrough, or how we get out of the ego and into our true spirit. But we all have these events and these masks whether or not we ever meant to pick them up or chose consciously put them on.

We might even convince ourselves that this ‘self-mastery’ is some sort of selflessness or strength. -And in some ways, I guess it is… Die to self, right?

Um, I don’t think that’s what scripture meant….

The second thing that surprised me in recovery was not necessarily the pain that I caused others or that others have caused me. I knew those things were there. I felt their sting. I’ve done my best to work with them, and through them thus far, at every opportunity, even before I joined a recovery group.

I was, however, completely sideswiped by how much pain I had caused myself, doing all of that ‘covering up’ that I’ve mentioned above…. SUDDENLY there was this gaping hole that filled up my insides. Like this life that I carefully, picked out, controlled, and pinned down, was ripped away and it snatched all of these layers off that were somehow rooted and entangled inside.

Emotionally, there was nothing in me, of me, that I could recognize, join, reattach, or put together on my own.

It was this gaping hole of Lucie’nne.

Now, this part is hard to explain because ‘gaping hole’ makes it sound like I was never true to myself or ‘always’ neglectful. That’s not what I mean either… I came out of my shell plenty. It was kind of like a subtle undertone that always lingered beneath the surface, questioning many of my moves.

But I was very diligent in taking care of the things that I needed. I exercised. I had a hobby or two. I practiced my faith. I have a healthy social life. I attended and led all kinds of classes, not just limited to Bible Studies. I usually tried things that I wanted to try. Over the years, I even started establishing hard boundaries and started speaking up for myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone; and asking and negotiating things that I wanted.

But for who I was personally and spiritually, I never gave that girl enough credit. –Dismissing my own instincts and intuitions. I always sort of felt like everyone else knew better than me… - Not even realizing how self-deprecating that was. I thought I was just ‘being honest’, maybe even humble, about my role in things.

It’s kind of easy to see from this perspective that all of those little decisions that I made as a child from not feeling good enough, became trappings as I grew older. Barriers that I protected and even fought for.

While I may have been growing in these areas as I got older, my reasons for neglecting myself shifted. I may have been getting stronger but I was also busier. I didn’t really notice something missing that I never really established. I just transitioned to ignoring myself for different reasons. But that was what I knew.

In counseling, I discovered that I was codependent. Of course, I had come a long way (thank God) by the time I learned this label. But for me, I often understood others better than I understood myself. I even felt more responsible for others needs and feelings, rather than my own.

Suddenly at 39 and in recovery, I became very aware of how little I knew myself. Ahem, the only person that I have spent my whole life with. And this gaping hole…. that I had allowed in myself…. Well, I just can’t explain that kind of hurt. –But hurt, it did.

It was like I cheated on myself with that ego or others; like I cheated my spirit out of who she was created to be. (And if it sounds weird to read it, trust that it sounds just as weird to say it. Whatever has been going on with me hasn’t fully settled yet.)

But even though I was cramming a lot of new and good stuff in, the container itself wasn’t the right fit anymore.

…And the wineskin burst!

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Yet, I tried so hard to keep my life ‘tidy’…

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Before recovery, I was desperate for a solution, and trying everything, to soothe this magma bubbling up on the inside, to no avail.

–And really, I swear it was God putting the squeeze on that mold trying to break me out.  All I could feel was the frustration and growing tension within.

It took almost every area of my life needing to get hit at once, in order to break that shell and my pride.

And I was oblivious. I simply had no idea that I was so rooted…

I mean, I knew there was an issue. I knew God was trying to get my attention. I could feel it. I was going deeper and deeper in, trying to get to the bottom of it. -Frantically even. As the restlessness grew, so did my obsession. –Looking in for the solution (with scripture of course).

But Isaiah 43:1 says:

‘I have called you by name and you are mine.’

He knows who we really are and who he created us to be.

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The bubbling rising as I was growing was because he was calling me out, not just in.

So what about you?

Is it possible that the tension you’re feeling is because God is trying to call you out or your soul is begging to be free? If so the pressure will only build until you can’t hold it together anymore.

It’s a good thing you can join him now. It’s a good thing there is recovery.

1. There is an in-depth Step Study for Celebrate Recovery, which is what I attended. The men and women have their own classes. Both just started and you can still join but only for a few more weeks.
• Women’s class – Sunday nights at 5:00pm
• Men’s class – Tuesday nights at 6:30pm
2. In the meantime, practice carving some time out for yourself – even if it’s only 15 minutes here and there to sit and do nothing. -To let life catch up with you. -To let God handle things. You can practice meditating on his word or meditating by being still.
3. Maybe ask yourself what things you’re protecting? Is there something that you won’t talk about because you can’t bear the thought of being found out? –Or because you don’t want to sound terrible? –Or because you don’t want to make other people look terrible? What are you shielding that’s keeping you confined?
4. You might even learn a few interesting correlations if you consider events where you significantly changed something about yourself, to see if they lined up with some other event in your life that had a significant impact. Molded.

Remember that passage about the truth setting us free? –Imagine being yourself and being comfortable with it. Even in a mess and knowing what you know about you. Imagine being able to breathe again. You might not even know if you’re not doing either of those things to full capacity. So imagine being even more authentic, whole, and healed. Imagine Peace. Imagine being able to breathe easier.

It’s what he promises….(John 10:10, John 16:33)

This Step Study is a STEP that helps you get there. It’s your move.

I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I took my first steps.

I am praying with you.

Celebrate Recovery | How it began for me

While I am usually an open book, I am not ready yet to divulge all of the details as to why I attended this program. I am not ashamed but the details are layered, and it either involves or effects other people. I haven’t been able to find my words yet. If I am ever supposed to, I know the Lord will give them to me in his time.

I’ve actually been struggling with a couple of things for a long time now. Sometimes, we’re the last to know how deeply something is bothering us. –Whether it’s like the band Pink Floyd sings in ‘Comfortably Numb’ or if it’s denial in a stage of grief, or if our awareness is road blocked by a limiting belief, or if we’re simply too close to something to be able to see the forest for the trees. There are a number of reasons why we can’t always get to the root of the problem. So, sometimes we just keep struggling.

Heck in her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown even says that ‘Crazy-busy’ is great armor. It’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.’ 

While I think every single one of these reasons played a role in my lack of awareness, that last one, may have been the biggest factor. We have families. We work. There are things to do. –A LOT of things to do. Who has time to just ‘sit’ and dwell on something? Heck even if we try to, there are constant interruptions. –But let's also admit that if something is associated with pain or sadness, most of us aren't jumping up and down to participate.

As for me, my issues came to a head last fall. I have a bit of a temper. My passionate side makes me slightly aggressive by nature anyway. But anger is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. For some reason, no matter what I tried, I just kept getting angrier and angrier. No matter how many church services or Bible studies that I attended. No matter how much I prayed, or who I talked to, or when I ate, or how much sleep I got, or exercised... My poor children got the brunt of it because Mom was usually pretty exasperated.

As it turns out, anger isn’t really a bad emotion. It is more about what we do while we’re angry that counts but anger itself is pretty healthy. It identifies when your boundaries are crossed. It’s a response to injustice (whether it’s to ourselves or others). It signifies when deeper emotions need to be addressed/expressed (shame is also an indicator of that). It’s also part of the grieving process, and a cue that needs aren’t being met…. and flag to so many other things. Anger is a catalyst for change!

For whatever reason, I kept trying to push the anger down, not realizing that it was trying to tell me something. Sadly, it was taking me down too. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid it. But I wanted ‘Fruit of the spirit,’ and we frequently hear messages like 'you are what you think about.' Heck, most of the scripture about anger makes it sound like its as something as simple as 'don't do it.' 

So, dang it. I was trying to spend more time with God and doing what I thought to be healthier things, and trying not to be negative. I was trying to ‘look ahead.’ So, if you’re struggling with an emotion (of any kind) and it keeps getting louder, you might need to pause and start asking it some questions. Then listen to what it has to say.

As for me, at the end of August last year, I had a particularly emotional and trying day with the kids. I was driving down the road and came to stop light. (Screaming like a banshee.) And in my defeat, I just started punching the wheel, while yelling… –Yes, the horn blew with every strike; only calling attention to my insanity, while my kids slumped down in their seats with eyes as big as saucers…. It was a proud mama moment for sure.  –It was also the catalyst that finally made me call a counselor that a friend had given me the name of a few years prior.

Now, I can't wait to tell you about my counseling experience, and those testimonies will come. But a new CR class has just started. I want to share a few more testimonies about that in case it can encourage someone to go. 

I can’t even put into words how the remainder of 2017 went for me, but it was intense. Suddenly, things in almost every corner of my life presented new radical revelations. Each one leaving its own bruise or sting. I experienced physical and spiritual things that I have NEVER experienced before. I snapped. I found my rock bottom. It rocked my faith.

By the end of December, I was very seriously considering checking myself into a hospital. –And I am not saying that for effect. I was really struggling. For the first time in my life, I found myself unable to help someone else, or even manage what was happening to me. I couldn't 'front' if I tried. My boss, friends, and family were starting show concern. And to be honest, I really wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to recover. In many respects, some parts of me never will. –But ‘a new thing’ is emerging in those places though (just like he promises). Those stories too will come at their own pace.

In that ‘fall season' a class for Celebrate Recovery came up again, and I knew that it was time for me to finally attend.

I will share more about my experience with recovery in the coming days. But a session for the Celebrate Recovery Step Study is starting again. I HIGHLY recommend it. Click here to learn more.

You don't have to know the answers or even what is really bothering you. But if you've been struggling with something and everything you've tried isn't helping it get better, I beg you to consider this program. (Please know that every single one of us is struggling with something. Every single one of us can also benefit from this class. Once we're through it, there will be something else in our life that will benefit from our taking it again.)

I certainly experienced benefits. I have also been learning from my anger, learning how to respond to it instead of reacting, and while it's a slow process with a lot of trial and error, it is getting better. It's also a habit and things take time. --But we all deserve a little bit more of that now don't we? Time... and healing... Why not make the room for both of them?

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to message me on Facebook or send me an email. You can even text me if you know me personally and have my number.

Prayers to you friend.

Celebrate Recovery | What is it?

In September I completed a 12-Step program that I started in January. I also finished a year-long counseling program in July. It's been a hell of a year and I have been trying hard to work on testimonies to share. I always seem to have several stories in one and it's hard for me to break them apart. (Pray for me there.)

Each of us has a hurt, hang-up, or habit. Usually, getting through one, only reveals another that we need to work through. I can't say enough about either of the programs that I've been in. The good news is the 12-step study has started again and you can join. Here is some information below.

What is Celebrate Recovery? You’ve probably heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. These are both 12-step programs that deal with the single type of addiction in their name. '12-step' is exactly as it sounds, 12-steps that each program is built on to provide the participant with healing as they walk through each step. The steps are similar in nature for most of the programs. 

Celebrate Recovery is a Biblical based program that not only includes the 12-steps but also the healing power of God and his word. This program covers ALL hurts, hang-ups, and habits. In one class, you will hear people share all kinds of experiences. One person may struggle with addiction to drugs or porn, while another is working through a divorce or past trauma like sexual abuse, or an affair.

There may be more classes than what I have experienced in this program but here are the ones that have I have attended:

Weekly Meeting: One night a week there is a group meeting that is open to anyone. Participants come together to worship, watch a video, share testimony, etc... Then the group will break up into Male/Female groups for deeper discussion or lessons. I’ve only been to two of these.

Step Study: When I learned about this option, I chose to attend this one instead. I knew that I needed something deeper. There are two levels to this class (eight books total). I’ve only attended the first level of four books, called ‘The Journey Begins’. The second round is called ‘The Journey Continues’ which I will do at some point in the future.

I imagine that both rounds run about the same length of time and format. The first round runs approximately nine months long. (About an hour and a half one night a week). I started in January and completed the fourth book in September. 

Members do the lessons on their own each week. Then during the night of the class, every person shares their answer to every single question. It involves a brutally honest bit of sharing and transparency. You might cringe about sharing in a group environment but no one can talk over each other, correct, or analyze another person. It is a place for you to say exactly what you need to say, exactly how you need to say it without judgment. Any dialogue between two people will happen for one of two reasons; either because you have asked a question about your situation or through one on one time with any sponsor or accountability partner that you establish.

Each week, the group will pick up exactly where it left off in the book, which is why the length of the class is only an approximate time in months. It depends on the number of participants and how far you get each week.

Being able to share your experience and listen to others breaks down the walls of isolation. You are not the ONLY person dealing with your exact issue or the size of an issue. Listening to others also provokes a lot of thought and insight. Accountability partners and sponsors can also ask you great questions that you may not have considered on your own.

You might not want to say certain things out loud, even to yourself but let us not forget John 8:32 – tells us that the TRUTH will set us free. –By freeing that truth that you’ve been holding bottled up inside. Trust me when I tell you, that sometimes we don't even know that we're bottling something up.

Cost: The books are $21 for the set, which you can purchase online or in class. If you need childcare, Northside Church does have a reimbursement program for participants. So, don’t let that stop you. The church that I am referencing is located in Grafton. If this is too far for you, you can enter your zip code in the main Celebrate Recovery site. It will return a list of other sessions that may be closer to you.

Dates: At Northside, the ladies class is on Sunday's at 5:00. The Men's class is on Tuesday's at 6:30. Both classes have just started but you can still join for a few weeks.

For more information please visit: http://www.crnorthsidecc.org/step-study.html 

Or email Aulsie Hojnicki at crnorthside12@gmail.com 

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to message me on Facebook or send me an email. You can even text me if you know me personally and have my number.

Prayers to you friend.