Dead To Sin, Alive In Christ

My little sweet pea was baptized today. -A moment that it seems like she's been waiting on 'forever'. Really, it's only been since January when she first asked but in the days since then, her repeated inquiries made the span of time seem much longer. 

She is only 4 but when she was asked why she wanted to be baptized, she didn't hesitate with her simple, and strong answer: "Because I am a child of God. I love him and I want to follow his ways." She said it with such certainty in who she is but with a tone of shock for my even having to ask her why? As if to say, why wouldn't I?  I thought to myself, if only we could all believe as a child. Matthew 18:3

When the preacher submerged her, I was reduced to tears and utter adoration. Not only was she making the first of her own many decisions but she was brave enough to overcome her fear (of water) to do it. 

Like her brothers, when she was born, I couldn't believe that God gave me, not just a baby but another whole person. You wonder how you will raise them. Where you will succeed and where you will fail them. You hope that the successes far outweigh the failures. You hope that in the end, God will be proud of what you've done with his son or daughter.

I felt that same awe and humility today. When she went under the water, she gave me a glimpse of her independence, as she left me to return to him. Not by force and not by bribery but that of free will. She could not wait to go.

When it was over, and she was dressed, she ran to the mirror and smoothed her hair. She checked over her every feature as if she expected an outward change in her appearance. But even I have never seen her radiate more, than when she leaned into the mirror and said to herself with such pride "I did it. I really did it." 

I was so proud of her and for her, but as a mother, my heart sent the same message up to God. It was one of thanks and one of honor. -That he could somehow use me to help guide such an incredible creature back to him. Sometimes, I am not sure which one of us teaches the other more about the grace of our almighty father.

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate. (Psalms 127:3-5 NASB)

Fire Starters

We wrapped up a testimony session at church this month. Despite all of my many notes, I ended up winging one instead and it came down to only two things. The first, was about spending most of my youth chasing feelings and looking for love; when really, I was looking for God. The second, was about my church relationship(s) and chasing the fire. In the days since, I have really thought a lot more about the fire portion of that.

I first felt the fire when I was 16, at a revival in Florida. I was amped for days, even months when it first lit up. Then I moved out of state and the fire fizzled. I found another church after that and eventually felt the fire again. Then I got offended by people in the church and I allowed myself to just walk away.

It wasn't until I had Ethan that I was willing to commit to church or to God. How else was I going to teach him anything, if I didn't lead by an example and learn for myself? I tried a bunch of different churches and just didn't "feel the fire" at any of them. Yet, I kept finding my way back to the church that I attend now.

I can guarantee you that there was no fire there. The church was rapidly falling apart. The Pastor's future was up in the air. Inside was a complete mixture of chaos and silence. But so was I...

In many ways it was a blessing joining at this time. Everyone else was so involved in the other things that were going on that I was able to slip in and then slip out without anyone really noticing. Until one day, a lady came up to introduce herself. She ended our brief conversation with the statement "I used to sit in the back too until someone called me a back seat Christian."

Ooh, I was hot. -And not by the fire that I was looking for. I was offended and mad and feeling a little self righteous. I wagged my tired finger at God and tried to justify my reason(s) for not coming to church and his reply was "Are you coming to church for the people or for me?"

Well that will pretty much shut you up right there. I stayed at that church. I really felt God asking me to commit to him, even if I never felt the fire again. It's been 8 or 9 years since that day.

The good news is, that fire is within us, where his spirit lives, always. We don't need to chase it. We can find it right where we are. If we're not feeling it, then perhaps we need to be tending to it. Just like a stoker who starts a fire, he must continue to keep it going. When it cools, it's not because God is too busy or just not into it or that he has nothing to say to us. It's because we have let that fire cool. Perhaps we need to get another log or a piece of kindling or even fan the flame.

Be watchful, and strengthen the things that remain, and are ready to die. -Revelations 3:2

***

The other day in church I was talking to a friend about spiritual activity. I told him that I really felt close to the spirit the last few months. I was starting to make connections between not feeling the presence of the spirit and an action on my part. I said "even as of this weekend, in a sense, I feel like the lamp has gone out or dimmed a little and now I have to figure out why." Of course he looked at me like I was nuts. "What?" Even as I said it, I felt a little strange. I am not sure why I worded it that way.

I went home and tried to think of ways to better explain what I meant. To explain how I have been focusing on my prayer life so much that I feel close to God every day. That now, I notice when I start feeling like God is getting distant again. That's my queue to take the time to revisit what has happened since I last felt his presence. Is there something that he's asked me to do that I haven't done? Do I need a fresh word or new perspective?

I couldn't get the word "lamp" out of my mind. I thought about the elements or properties of fire. Fire is full of light and heat and it needs air to grow, but what else...? So, I looked it up. It is heat, air, and energy. If one of those elements are missing or removed, the fire stops.  There is no fire.

Energy. I teared up just reading the word. I get SO exhausted doing, and doing, and doing. Even during that week, I could not bring myself to stop and slow down. Yet, it was all that I could do to just keep pushing through. In my time in prayer, I was so tired that I couldn't really focus. Maybe if he was sitting right in front of me, even if I were excited; I wouldn't reach out to him as enthusiastically as I would, if I were fully rested.

Well, that's exactly what was happening. We ARE seated before God every day.  I needed energy to reach out and I just didn't have it in me. He was feeling too far away because of me... My fire or lamp was dim because I wasn't keeping it going.

Just like 1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us to be on guard at all times. He IS there all of the time. It's as simple as walking outside and standing in the sun. When I stand in it's unobstructed view, there is no denying it's heat or it's light or the sheer magnitude or intensity of it's brightness.

The dimness of the lamp, or coolness that I feel is also like the hardening of the heart.
There is something between me and the Son. Is it the bustle of life, unrepented sin, or perhaps clouds of doubt, fear or slumber...?

Not to take anything away from God because clearly he can send his spirit when he wants to, but how much more can we have in our relationship with him, if were willing to be involved? If a real fire only has three components, what would that look like  if we tried to make one in our prayer life?

Heat - Psalms 57:7 says oh my heart is steadfast, I am confident in you.
Do you have a desire to meet him? Do you believe that he will come? Have you taken the time to prepare a place to invite him in, to worship, to serve? Not just ridding physical distractions but are you coming to him with a clear mind and a purpose to know and to be close to him? Have you even gathered your material or tools?

Just like when your camping, it's a hunger that first drives us to make a fire. Yet, if we're hungry enough, we will eat food that's cold if we have to. Are you hungry enough for God and his word? Are you feeling cold and in need of a warm up? It is easier to mold something when it's hot rather than cold.  -But plain and simple, what will it take to make you hit your knees and rub your sticks together? -Until you get a fire?

Oxygen/Air - Is your time in prayer a simple hello, just an item on your checklist or are you willing to breathe your heart into the fire to get it started. -Your admission of need for him (humility) mixed with confession of truth (openness) and then a spark ignites. You're lifting him up and exalting him. There is a constant tapping down of self, in order to give him room to be your flame.

Fuel/energy - Not only do you need energy to start the fire but you will also need energy to keep it going. A good fire will build momentum but it will still require more resources to stay lit. You will need a sober mind or alertness to know what's required, a rested body and a desire to be able to tend to it. And for me this is the hardest- resting in order to rebuild those stores.  If I don't do this, I might just be empty when I get there and then what kind of fire would I be giving God?

***

The better part of this has been written for the last two weeks. I just felt like one thing was missing. I was so focused on how we could improve our prayer life, that I forgot one of the most basic things. It wasn't until I got so aggravated that I had to walk away, that I was able to gain enough distance to see what was missing.

Sometimes, I get too legalistic. Not because I feel like we have to earn the love of God but because I want so desperately to be the woman that he intended for me to be. What kind of wife did he design for Colin? What kind of mother for my kids or simple being in his world? However, that legalism caused a snag in this post. I was robbing myself of enjoyment.

As with any fire once you get it going, do take the time to simply enjoy the presence of God? Do you celebrate with your friends around him? Do you marvel at the colors in his glow? -Reflecting on who he is and how he works and what he in return puts in us?

***

Father God, Jeremiah 23:29 says that not only is your word like fire but that it's also like a hammer that breaks a rock in many pieces.  I pray that you can shatter the hardness of my heart and that nothing blocks me from seeing, feeling, touching or knowing your full glory. -The tingle and the heat and the joy; I want not only for myself, but to become so engulfed that I transfer them to others. So, that we can celebrate in your name and delight in all that you are able to do and have done. Your love is amazing. I am thankful that your spirit is with in me but never stop calling my name. 

No Really, Stay Tuned

It's funny how the last thing that I wrote was about following God. How in order to do so, we must always get our time in with him and be willing to follow all of the directions.

As I was writing it, I was presented with 3 other writing tasks as well. We're really getting into testimonies at church and I have some notes that I've been compiling for that. I have also been working on an encouragement project and another devotional project. All of these are still with or for God and I felt like it might be OK to take a mini break from this blog to work on those assignments.

So, I left a little note about Staying Tuned here because I wasn't sure that I would have time for all of it.

In the days since, I have felt the Spirit nudge me "what about staying tuned to me?"

***

I have a folder of at least 30 starter posts and I add to each here and there. By the end of March or beginning of April, I was really taking a lot of notes. It was funny at the time because I remember thinking, Gosh God, you're going to have to stop saying so much because I almost can't keep up and I've got these other tasks to do. I can't be doing those if I am writing all of these.

So, I stopped blogging and started on the other tasks. -And much like I've been surprised by how close I've felt to God this year; I was suddenly surprised by how absent God felt. There was a week and a half of silence. (Which doesn't really sound like much, when compared to the fact that I used to think that it was normal for God to only speak to us once a year or so.)

I didn't like it.

At first I thought the silence might be OK. So, the first few days, I let it go. Then, I started to get nervous. I repented and prayed and repented and prayed. Repenting for every little thing that I thought might have been sin that would stop God from wanting to talk to me. Praying like crazy for the spirit to start up again and begging God to just reveal why there was a silence.

***

We all always struggle with balance and compartmentalizing our lives. Our faith does requires us to provide a certain amount of work that "backs up" what we believe. Don't we all try to; Pray [this much], do [so many] good deeds, read [this much] of the bible? We try to balance our lives and/or our faith as if we're juggling three balls (or more) and hoping that we just don't lose our sequence or rhythm.

The problem is, that's not balance at all. That's juggling.

I keep thinking about tuning a guitar. Twisting the knob on the end of a string until it reaches the perfect pitch. A little more here and a little less there. Then onto the next one. It's "perfect pitch" is based off of the string before it. The desire or goal is for all of those strings, to sound and play harmoniously together.

I looked up the definition of harmony and I love this- One definition says that it is an "internal calm". My prayer life is what produces that internal calm or that harmony. I read the word and study different things and then feel the need to participate in certain projects. It's my prayer life that can help me adjust that focus peacefully. 

Prayer is a direct channel with God. It is the main chord that all of the other strings in our life should be tune to. Our personal reference pitch.

The tune that we play is a representation of how our prayer life is working. When the tension is too tight, adjust your prayer life. When your feeling a little flat, adjust your prayer life., etc. Never stop praying. Go back to your main chord until you get that 'C' note (peace of Christ) and then tweak everything else based off of that. (And yes, I really just said "C note". haha)

***

If I ever thought that attitudes and thoughts didn't matter, this scenario totally proved me wrong. I realize that my silly little thought [telling God that he was going to have to stop talking] was really an attitude of the heart.  It was such a small thought though.  It was so small in fact that I had to dig for it because I almost didn't even acknowledge it. I even laughed it off because who tells God to stop talking? And I didn't even mean it. ...or did I?

1st Thessalonians 5:19 says "Do not quench the spirit." That is exactly what I did. I thought that stopping the blog was the problem. However, the blog is just a product or documentation of what's happening in my prayer life. The problem appears to be that when I stopped documenting, I also stopped listening. It was like I had turned my heart away from him and moved right along to something else. I was the one who became absent.

It was OK to drop the blog, it was OK to do other types of work. Staying tuned to him though was the only thing that was going to give it or me harmony. The moment that I felt like any of it was too much, maybe that should have been my indication that I needed to adjust the knob again. 

Sacrificing prayer should never have been on the table. It's something that can (and should be) done in all that we do. If I spent a little more time in prayer and something else didn't get done, maybe that undone thing wasn't really all that important to start with.

And then also, if half thoughts and subconscious attitudes have that much power, imagine where we'd be, if we became more aware of them; and managed them at onset.

******************

-And of course all of this reminds me of the Prayer of St Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, [I will tune into you to so that I can] let me sow love; where there is injury, [tune in some more to replenish my] pardon; where there is doubt, [twist that knob until I find] faith; where there is despair, [tune, tune, tune into your] hope; where there is darkness, [tune until I see] light; where there is sadness, [tune in to be filled with] joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

Stay Tuned

Hey, I am still here. I am just working on another little writing assignment at the moment. Please stay tuned. I will be back and at it shortly. Until then, have a wonderful day and thank you for your support. :)

...And Follow Me.

Last year I told a friend that I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff. It was time to jump. I just wasn't sure what I was choosing between, but it was like I was leaned so far over the edge, that only my toes were hanging on. In hindsight now, I think that cliff was a representation of my faith walk.

As this year turned the corner, I began this venture and all that I knew was that I was journaling and that I was going to be slightly secluded from everyone else. At first I thought that I was secluded just because of the physical time limitations. I work full time, I am taking classes, I need to spend more time with my family. Now I am also doing this, I don't really have time for anything else.

It might sound crazy to say that I am secluded, if I am making the choice to stay home, but I know that I am supposed to be doing that. When I quit smoking, I had to change other things too, at least temporarily. I had to give up coffee and beer. Colin smoked too and we would end our days by sitting out on the porch, talking and smoking. I even had to stop going on the porch with him for a while. So, this change is no different, other things must also be given up.

This time next year I need to be somewhere different spiritually. Not because I'm not good enough where I am but because I have developed (or he has developed) a furious desire within me to be somewhere different. I want more and not a little more- I am on board now. I want the transformation.

***

I heard somewhere that our relationship with God is exactly where we want it to be. He is always there, it's us that stay away or move toward him. I am finding that to be true.

I've written journals before, not quite like this or even with this regularity. I've heard God speak to me and felt him move. It's been here and there. However, starting this blog has dramatically changed our "hit or miss" relationship.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. (Ezekiel 36:26, 27 NIV)

He is literally chiseling away pieces of my heart. I feel gutted sometimes after writing these. You read that God is talking to me about cussing and yelling and parenting and being guided by him. I can't give up or make all of these changes on my own but as I draw closer to him, he chisels all of those things away from me. Some of them I wrestle with and hold onto so much longer than necessary. But he keeps chiseling.

John 15:5 says "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." When we remain in him, it's when we bear fruit. When I become a place that his spirit can dwell, or that his spirit can live; changing and following his commands will become more natural, because as works within me, the desires in my heart change. I want to see more of him, to become more like him.

We don't have to journal to be close to God but our relationship with him, is one of a daily communion. As I am a wife, a mother, a coworker or any other of my roles, I have a physical role to play in my relationship with him as well. My relationship in the past was only hit or miss because that's the only way that I would spend time with him. If I only go to him once a week or once in a blue moon, I am not remaining in him. And all of his work stops until next time...

***

Obviously anything that we give to God is better than nothing. I inched my way to this spot. A daily message or study. A 15 minute prayer journal (cringing because if I wasn't complaining to him about a huge problem, I had no idea what to write.) CD's in the car, an occasional retreat. These things happened gradually, together and separately, I'd draw close and then drift away.

I'd hear people talk about a personal relationship with God. While we've had many moments together, this is so much different. Instead of a 15 minute prayer journal, I find myself running out of time after an hour or two a day. I find myself squirreling away 5 more minutes of time and carrying a recorder in the car. -Waking in the middle of the night to scribble notes.

I might get it wrong sometimes, even as I post it so publicly, but I keep coming back. I want to know his voice better than my own. I am finally taking that time to ask questions and make sure that I get the answer. I know that there are some things in my foundation that are a little off. I am using this time to make decisions about my faith and let him purge those things from me that are still a hindrance.

We may not understand all that God is asking us to do but he is showing me that in order for him to answer the prayers that I have prayed, I am going to have to make those changes that he has been asking me to make.  Even if I don't understand their connection.

I need to move forward, I need to let go. I need to let him transform me. That cliff that I feel like I am on, it's a simple yes or no. Will I stay or will I go ...wherever he leads.

***

A couple weeks ago, I started writing about "Take up your cross and follow me" from Matthew 16:24.  I think that I wrote a good bit about taking up our cross but I never really got back to the follow me part.

Luke 9:23 says to pick that cross up daily. He may not ever ask us to do anything specific but daily you and I should go to him and seek his face and not be satisfied until we see it. We have to be willing to bare that cross and daily we have to report for duty.

Not just a simple check in but a "Here I am God. Here I am!" like little Samuel in (1 Samuel 3). He got up and he ran every time God called his name, even though he wasn't sure who, what or why- He went, physically running, mentally listening, eagerly seeking and when he got it wrong he went back and listened some more, EXPECTING God to talk again.

Anticipation and participation. Follow me.

***

I know what some of my crosses are. And I am finally taking the time to decide, what his cross means to me. When he says follow me am I willing to pick up any or all of those crosses and use them for his good? Am I willing to follow him and let him change me from who I've been to who he promised that I could become? When I get to the edge of that cliff, am I willing to let go, even if I don't know what's on the other side?

In my mind, I only expect that when I jump from the edge of that cliff, I'm going to land in something at the bottom or plummet to the ground to be destroyed. But Gods word says that he will mount you with eagle's wings. There might actually be a life in that unseen realm after all and he just might show me a whole new view of the world when I let go...

Faith is just faith until we know why we have it. When we get that answer- that is when it transforms! -And that's what all of this writing is to me. I am getting my answers.

But those who hope in the  Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

Postlude To The Knots

By the end of February, I started getting the hint that I might need to write a bit more boldly about my past, hence the last 3 posts. I really wasn't sure how to approach that. Weren't there other things that I should or could consider before taking such a crazy step?

In March, there were more urges to write about it and finally, I told God, "If YOU want me to write about it, you're going to have to make me go there (emotionally). I have not been in that dark place in a long time."

I scratched the surface at "Freedom | Part Two", by "Unraveling The Knots", I was a mess. I cried for over a week. My heart was so heavy. As I started writing, I began to wonder if I was sinning. God had healed me from a dark place and had buried the pain of the past. Was I sinning by going back and digging up something that he had laid to rest? Did I invite the Devil in, by giving him a foothold and perhaps he was making it all so much worse?

I wrote a lot of things and spoke to my husband and to my preacher. Then I wrestled with God some more. I couldn't bring myself to come clean yet because I had this "to do" list attached to it. I felt like each one of those items needed to be checked off before I could make the leap.

-But my timing was off and I was so frustrated because I couldn't see how I was supposed to accomplish X and Y before ever getting to the Z. And the need for Z seemed to be closing in. I kept hearing God tell me to "go" and "tell the truth" but then I realized -that was all- that he was asking me to do. All of those other little complicated steps, were little things that I threw in there.

But I didn't get that epiphany until, I asked God to give me some sort of analogy. I could tell that he was trying to teach me something but I just couldn't put my finger on it. As I was driving to work last week, I felt prompted to imagine a tree. -So, I did. It was a big and beautiful tree in a field. It was still green but getting ready to change for the fall. There was a little house in the back ground. Maybe a mountain in the distance, some tall grass and wild flowers... Then God said, "I only asked you to imagine the tree. You threw all of that other stuff in there and it was only about the tree. The rest of it distracts and takes away from... just like your list."

-HELLO!? How is it that I have not noticed this before? -That my response to a simple command was embellished so easily? If hearing the word "go" was attached to a list and imagining a tree became an entire landscape; how many things have do I regularly just convert to "bulk". -And it was done so automatically.

I didn't have to think about how to make it bigger. Instead I seem to be missing the ability to see and hear so simply. I bet that's why we're all so tired. I bet none of us realize how "complex" we make things.

A verse that I refer to a lot is Matthew 11:28 NLT Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." But I think the following verses are even more important. "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I had to look up the word "yoke". It's a wooden harness that goes over the oxen. A harness is used to guide but also to restrain. Then the tears started forming. If he can just slow me down to his pace...

Maybe that's what all of those knots were in the first place.  Whether it's a necklace, a rope, or a chain; it was a pretty corny analogy but it gets the point across. Each of those things are pretty straight, just like his path. It's possible that all of those knots that I was struggling with, were the very things that I added to his simple plan.

*****

Dear God, I thank you for the ways that you open my eyes. I love how you make me see so differently. I pray that you keep drawing out all of these things that are "of me" so that I can become "more like you". Please continue this in all of the areas of my life. 

I want your yoke upon me. I want your will to be my own. I am realizing that you have a completely different approach to life than what I attempt.  I can't even begin to fathom your way but you can teach me. Every time you reveal something to me, I am in awe. Even though I can take your word to heart and chant it over and over, I still often fail to apply it. 

I am so thankful that you see my heart. That you know how much I want your way. And that YOU can transform me into what you envisioned in the first place. Your glory is immense. Please use me as your vessel. Mold me as you will. 

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Me | Part One

Another part of this writing journey, is study. There are some things that I want to know more about. I am using this quiet time to look up those verses and interpretations and then write about how they apply to my life and what I think that God is saying to me personally.

This time specifically, I wanted to know what he meant when he said, "Take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23). Many people interpret that verse as saying that we must carry our biggest burden alone, all the days of our life until we get to Calvary. I don't necessarily believe that.

I believe that it means that our cross does represent all of our pain, our shame and our guilt. It represents our own crucifixion. What we have crucified ourselves for and what others will crucify us for when it becomes known to them. It represents the sin and/or pain that we have felt trapped by and unforgiveness from. -The sin that we have given to God and but then also found his redemption.

That horizontal bar is an indication that we must go and and testify about how awesome our God is and about how he personally has touched and renewed our lives by his saving grace. We should be ready to testify to everyone because we may never know who it is that needs to hear it. Who it is that is still trapped by that same sin. Who it is that desperately needs redemption from that same dark place.

We need to be prepared to give that account to anyone at all times (1st Peter 3:15). Our testimonies are not just about introducing people to a God that they have never heard about. It's about being a witness to what you have seen him do in your own life that confirms that he is real and available to anyone that desires him.

Even the devil believes that there is a God (James 2:19). There are "believers" everywhere, inside the church and out. Even so, believing in him and experiencing his salvation are two totally different things and for some, Jesus is just too far... Too far to have to say out loud "Here I am".

He's too far and to have to utter out loud the ugliness inside, because others might also hear it. He's too far for those who have been wrestling with themselves all the days through and they are exhausted. He is too far for some to believe that he would come down from the heavens and rescue them because they feel so unworthy.

We have to testify for them:

 "I have seen the glory of God in my life and in my soul."

"You don't have to hide because he knows who you are and he wants you near him. -With him."

"It's safe to come out and I know this because, here is what I have done and and where I have been and I know that he loves you because he loves even me."

And in doing so, we are taking that cross and laying down at the feet of those who need it, so that they can use it as a bridge to travel over. So that they can see that they too, can receive his love and salvation. So, that they can understand that his redemption really is there and already waiting and it's free to every one that believes. He paid the price when he hung down the length of that other bar for all of the world to see.

***

Interestingly enough, last week in class, someone said that they heard that you should never ask for wisdom. Then I found verse (Proverbs 4:7 NIV), "Get  wisdom. Though it cost all you have,  get understanding." My original verse of Luke 9:23 is also followed by, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it..."

Part of "Taking up your cross" is being willing to sacrifice your reputation, your ego, your comfort. I am sure that there are circumstances where a real physical death must occur. But mostly, I think that giving up your "life" means that we need to become uncomfortable at some point in our faith walk. If we really believe what we say that we do, how do we work it in our own life? Are we willing to carry a cross and reveal our secrets, even if we lose friends, jobs, and reputations because of it? ...Crucifixion.

I can see now how someone would say that we shouldn't ask for wisdom. Sometimes, when we ask God for clarification of something, like this verse, he might also want us to do something with that information. We have to apply it. We have to use it, otherwise, of this all has been written in vain.

With that being said and having no easy way to say this, I am going to offer my cross to you.