The Other Side Of That Dirty Word | Part Three

(If you are reading this, please know this this is a 3 part story. It is recommended that you read part one and part two before continuing.)

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Antidotes and curiosity.
Prayers and Sympathy.
All good intentions but mail-
left undeliverable.

***

Feeling helpless as you wait and you watch.
The day in-
          -The day out.
knowing that something is going to happen and you are unable to stop it
it’s already happened.

You just rewind the wheel.

***

In my mind there is panic.
I shove from me, 
Scripture, I’ve rehearsed.
Hands, of those who love me.
Who, I said that I was, before you.
c o n s o l a t i o n 

...but never you

They are all
no longer visible.
I disappear into the darkness.
I can’t even find my 
self...

Knowing that being hollowed out is more than an empty womb.
Needing something to rock but having nothing to hold.
I didn’t bury my child
or save a sweet reminder.

Our fates hang in unrest

***

I envision a little girl.
Sometimes arms outstretched.
But full of questions.

I envision a little girl with curls, a toothy smile.
A tear streaked face.
Does she know me?

But I don’t even know if it is he or she that haunts me.

***

I send a birthday wish in an imaginary balloon and hope 
-it reaches the heavens-
Every year.

I send another full of sorrow
and I wonder if it can float that high since it feels so heavy.
Every year on the other day…

***

Every one surrounds you and tells you how to claim your life back.
Those words fall to the ground.
Life was lost when I didn’t choose it.

***

In the span of time, photographs
would have shaped into the face of a woman.
I am sure that you are beautiful.

But the one I carry is not from this time.
It’s in my heart and it’s unmovable.

It is of how 
you will always be-
My baby.



***********************************
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18



What you have read above, is not a burden that I still carry but it is important to recognize the grief accompanied by abortion. If you have had an abortion and are struggling with your decision, please know that there IS healing and hope in our Lord. I lead classes on Post Abortion Trauma and Forgiveness. If you are interested in classes and live near me, please message me for details. If you're not near me, you can check out this link for more information. There are also other studies that you can research. Just search post abortion bible study. Most material also has an outreach for men.