I've myself have become more of a softy in age. Motherhood and faith have certainly magnified and/or played their role in that. There was a season when I was quite angry and could barely muster a tear and yet now I almost seem moved by the wind. Everything seems to touch me.
This week has been a hard one. I was late posting the log because I it was just almost too much too process. I didn't want to post it at all but I committed to doing a month of it. I can't understand what is happening. I can only tell that God is moving. Yet, I am struggling even wrestling, although I do not understand what with.
It reminds me of the passage where in Romans 7 where Paul speaks about how he is wrestling between flesh and spirit. I feel something happening within and although I feel I am a spiritual and sometimes spirit filled person, I feel as though this week I have not been able to keep myself together.
If that wasn't enough, others were inquiring about my behavior. Everyone agreed that I was off. There were certainly good places and highlights throughout the week but there was something else happening with in.
Anyway, on Sunday in my Sunday School class I was again overcome with tears. To the point that I was not able to speak and someone else had to read through our lesson. While it may seem like I am grieving, I have become to really appreciate the significance of tears, even if I do not recognize their reason. More importantly, I often see a correlation of events or significant change to something around tears...
The subject this week happened to also be about "wrestling with God" which spoke to me that much more but again, I really wasn't trying to wrestle. We continued with our lesson. I read again. Then I began weeping again. -Still not knowing where or why or how.
A friend asked the class to stop and pray. Everyone at the table held hands and took turns to pray over me. I closed the prayer. I don't know when it started but when I opened my eyes, to my surprise; there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Even others noted that you could feel the Holy Spirit's presence.
I can tell you that I may never be able to articulate 'faith' or prove to someone why or why not they should have it. But I have also seen and felt some incredibly powerful moments, even mysteries, that only prove to me how very real God and the Holy Spirit is. This encounter is one of them. This is also the very reason that I write so publicly.
On the way home I thought about how I felt as though I did not know what God was asking me to do that I might be wrestling with. I thought about how maybe the period of not knowing was driving me to the point of just begging God to belt out what it is! So then I point blank asked him to just show me. "WHAT IS IT GOD? What is it?" Then it occurred to me that sometimes maybe God just has to get us to that point otherwise maybe he doesn't really have our full attention or our willingness. -And don't some things need special, extra, close and even careful attention.
I pray that I don't miss it. I pray that I am careful, humble, open and led with his instruction and his timing. I can also tell you that even with any struggle, even if I do not understand, even if I do not "hold it together", there is nowhere else that I would rather be than in the Good Lord's hands. I pray that he continues to break me apart and that even when I am "acting up" I hope that he's able to mold me into his good purposes. May whatever happens from this of all be for HIS glory.
***
In the same
way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray
for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless
groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the
Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the
will of God.
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