Consumption | Notes

So for a while now I've been feeling like I should give up alcohol. I have simply been reluctant.  I've never tolerated liquor well so that wasn't an issue for me. I was always a beer girl. I genuinely like it for the taste. -ice.cold.beer. on a hot summer day? Yes, please.

For most of my drinking life a couple of beers here and there or at a special event was enough. However, the summer before I became pregnant with Sophie. Work was intense. I'd just come home in the evening and think that I just needed something to take the edge off. "To unwind". The next thing I knew I was happier drinking than eating. It became easy for me to consume a six pack a night all by myself. I'd stumble to bed. Pass out and then repeat the same pattern the next day.

Thankfully, I became pregnant with Miss Priss and I had to cut that off. As it turns out I had developed a wheat allergy between Ethan and Sophie and most beer contains wheat. After Sophie, I became more aware of my sensitivity to it.  The wheat free brands are pretty disgusting. So, that made it easier to reduce the amount of beer that I consumed but I missed it. I guess that the depth of my grievance over it should've been a sign that I had some sort of problem. -Even if I didn't show all of the signs.

Instead- and as ridiculous as this sounds; I forced myself to find a wine I liked instead.  It actually took a lot of practice. I tried many that I didn't like in order to find ones that I did... As it turns out, I only seem to like French ones. Before I knew it I had a new staple. I didn't drink every day or anything like that but when I needed to unwind, I had a new "go to"...

Somewhere in there, I was getting the idea that God might not want me to drink something or at sometimes but it's kind of easy to shrug that off when we want to justify our own behaviors and habits. Just as I started to document some of these little things I thought that God was telling me; I finally found a set of wine glasses that I really liked. -and I DO have a thing for pretty dishes! Of course it's only fun to have them if I use them. So, I hung onto my new habit just a little bit longer.

Now here it is years later. I've carried these notes around various places. I have finally compiled them last year thinking that if I put them on the blog, the next time that I was tempted, I could pull up the list and remind myself.... Boy was I surprised at how much my notes added up to! I never published them on the blog because it was just a list and I felt like I needed to offer something more with it but I just wasn't sure what that was... In hindsight, maybe the post was missing my struggle.

So, instead I made a few rules to "only have a glass or two" or "only at family dinner". Only to regret and grieve over it again later... 

Then it started keeping me up at night...

It's a funny thing; I've wrestled with admitting it because I didn't want to talk about it. I've decided recently that I really need to move forward. God has shown me so many times that my obedience won't always make sense but he is faithful to help me understand it later. Last night, I refused a glass of wine like so many times before and instead of talking about God, I simply said it's been keeping me up at night.

I know this will sound really condemning. I just don't know how to word it as I mull it over. This morning, I thought about Peter. God asked him 3 times if he loved him. (How many times must he ask me to put down booze?) And Peter was the same one to deny him. Here I am telling people that my change is because of sleep instead of God. I wonder if all of this time, it's been such a struggle because I just haven't been truthful about the work that God is doing in this area. I just wasn't ready to admit that God wanted me to let it go. So, in all of my other excuses, I couldn't fight it successfully because I wasn't open about it. Of course I am still trying to figure this out and so my answer would also be pretty loaded... My reference to sleep just sounded... simpler.

Thankfully, just this morning I see the verse in James 5:16 that says if we confess our sins to God and to others and pray over each other then we can be healed. I just feel ready to admit this current weakness. I feel strong enough to say, I just don't have all of the answers. This is where I am and what I am figuring out and won't you pray with me!? Please and thank you.  Here are some of those nifty little notes below.  (This is one of the many reasons that I support journaling. It's easy to shrug one or two off but seeing them all together makes a completely different statement.)


The List

• I feel a lot of conviction about being a leader. I frequently run across verses, articles, books about leadership. I am not sure where all that applies. Maybe it's only in my role of motherhood or my position at work, in the church or just alongside a friend.  It doesn't matter where; I am starting to really pay attention to all of those promptings. So you will see a few references to leadership in here. The first is, Proverbs 31:4 “It is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer.” The commentary says that "Leaders have better things to do than anesthetize themselves with alcohol.
• 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  "Buzzing or Drunkenness" is not sober-minded. I would also like to add that in some forms of alcohol, I have found myself foggy headed for days after. -Not drunk but just unable to think clearly or concentrate. I believe that to be related to food allergies or chemical properties in some alcohol. (Also consider sobriety in terms of drugs use and even from a lack of sleep. )
• Is what I am doing a stumbling block to anyone else? Is it confusing to others?
• Some alcohol interferes with my sleep. It might have helped me pass out at first but it will not keep me asleep and I usually wake up feeling unrested.
• Being drunk weakens your defenses and affects your decisions. It makes us less reliable.
• Romans 12:1 "Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice".
• I also had a note by Judges 13 about Sampson being a Nazarite (Man of God). He was not to have alcohol or fermented drink. I am not sure that I could articulate this well and nor am I sure how long I've had a note about Sampson in chapter 13. Yet just this week a homework assignment led me to  answer this question. "Read Judges 16:51-21 - What resulted from Sampson's lack of self discipline?" My answer was that he lost his power and gift.  Immediately this area of my life came to mind. My lack of discipline with alcohol and or any/sin and this blog as my gift. Imagine my surprise when I came back to add it only to see a comment about Sampson already noted...  Maybe there is more to this.
• Proverbs 23 has several verses see "saying 16" and "saying 19". I had a note about "Disciples don't drink." But that is not from that verse or commentary. I am not sure why I had it there.
• If I drink too much alcohol, I feel puffy and bloated.
• Ephesians 5:18 says "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery" My commentary on that verse says "Paul contrasts getting drunk with wine, which produces a temporary "high," to being filled with the spirit, which produces lasting joy. Getting drunk is associated with the old way of life and its selfish desires. In Christ we have better joy, higher and longer lasting, to cure our depression, monotony or tension. I love this part; We should not be concerned with how much of the Holy Spirit we have but how much of us the Holy Spirit has."
• This is a big one- Feeling like I have to repent after!  If I wasn't doing anything wrong, why would I feel so much conviction about repentance? -Granted a lot of that might be about my motives or timing that led me to drinking.
• I have found myself disappointed to listen to other people that were drunk. Not even necessarily because they were violent or foul. It just wasn't the same or as attractive as listening to someone who was sober or themselves. I don't ever want my children to feel that way about me EVER.
• Recently following my own rules, I got wasted on 2 glasses of wine. -To the point that I don't even remember most of the evening. It wasn't intentional. I actually don't enjoy being drunk. This is just a reminder that we can't rely on rules or our plans or intentions.
• Health benefits. Moderation of alcohol. Paul to Timothy about being careful about not drinking too much. In his location there was poor water quality. Red Wine was believed to help clear out intestinal issues.  Even now, wine is believed to certain benefits if it is consumed within moderation (regarding cardiovascular, cancer and aging benefits.) I do understand that there are occasional pros...
• Matthew 6:33 says to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..." Do you know how many times after a bad day, I would go to the fridge and open the door only to hear that verse whispered to my heart? The same is true for binging on chocolate or shopping when I needed a pick me up! God has the strength to meet all of our needs if we just go to HIM first.
• My sudden embarrassment about the idea of being caught in a picture with a beer in my hand or a glass of wine.  Especially, then posted to Facebook or something. There was a time when none of those things mattered to me but somehow it has become a new awareness....
• Psalm 4:7 says You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound. True!
• Romans 14  is a great chapter. If you're confused about sin and why some can do this and why some can't do that, read this passage.
• Choosing not to do what you feel led to do becomes disobedience and that makes you less sensitive to the holy spirit.

Update 10/2/14

• A few weeks after this post, I asked God why on earth I needed to stop drinking, if I didn't believe that I had a real problem. Immediately, I received my most convicting thought. What if none of this is really about me? What if one of my children ends up struggling with a true problem in this area when they are older. Not necessarily because I drank but because they were exposed to it, they developed their own relationship with it too early on. I thought of my children and their response to it and to me when I drink. Immediately, I felt my decision complete itself and the desire to drink left me. I can tell you that since that moment, I have no longer grieved any part of this. Having the right conviction in my heart took me off the fence and put all of me on one side of that decision.

Update 8/26/2015 - I am proud to say that as of 7/21/2015 I have been sober for one year and counting!

This is all that I have for now. All of my posts are subject to more editing so there may be more to this later. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope it also speaks to you. :)

Beige or White

This morning while I was in the shower, I pulled back the curtain and started scrubbing the edge where you step over into it. I was surprised to see how dirty it had gotten. It seems that the dust and humidity united into a film over the tile. It has been easy to not notice the accumulation, since the tile is beige. It blended right in and it's not at eye level. It wasn't until I started scrubbing that I was able to see how much lighter the true color of the tile really was. I was more surprised to see that there were even flecks of white.

As I watched the subtle transformation, it reminded me of the discovery of our sins. Like dust, we seldom see the sin around us. It often blends right in to our every day.  In fact before we come to Christ there are usually so many things that we never truly even see as sin or even an offense. The thing is so common to us in media, society, in our own thoughts, amongst our peers and to the world that 'it' might seem like dust on beige. The offenses aren't always dirty enough to be an obvious contrast.

In our willingness to either look at God or deal with our "big sin" we often become more aware of some of the smaller offenses. We become able to see how much we are still so covered with sin, but God reveals it in a way that we are able to see the purity and beauty that we are truly made with underneath. It encourages us to to go deeper and to dig more. It makes us less afraid to look at some of the old stuff while we're discovering the new. 

And just like that film developed on the ledge, our hearts are susceptible in the same way. While it is God that purifies; our obedience is the application. When God prompts us, if we turn away, a similar film develops and our hearts also become hardened. Where as if we allow him to work, we begin to see or we can continue the restoration.

While I want to say that nothing feels as good as being clean, I'd rather say nothing feels as refreshing as being visible. Exposed. Being able to stand before God all flaws and gifts together in one offering.

In Psalm 51 David began feeling the consequences of his sin with Bathsheba.  David prayed and asked God to give him a pure heart. He repented of the sins that he knew that he had committed but prayed for a deeper restoration. It wasn't just lip service, he desired the change. What do you ask for when you pray? Is it to change your circumstance or to change you? Is it to fix the problem or reveal God?

Or what about our pool of faith? How many of us step in every day but instead of seeing a difference it too seems dull or beige. Having faith is not so much about scrubbing ourselves to be clean. But in order to see a transformation, there is a willingness and a discipline and a desire that must be applied.

If you struggle with any of those three, take a moment to talk to God about that. Read David's prayer and offer a similar one of your own. Ask God to help you change your heart. In time, you too might find yourself having devotion, even in mundane little tasks like scrubbing the shower. No books or pens necessary.

Blessings to you friend!

The Art Of Service

I work in a service environment and love to discuss good and bad examples of service. This is an example of wonderful service that I received recently when my van needed new tires. I shared it in my office and so I documented all of the details and then recapped the experience noting specific acts. I also created a devotional piece for myself and this blog. You may be bored to tears with the details that I have noted. However, I think you must suffer through them in order for the point to come together. -At least I hope that it does. I may or may not add more to it. It is a long read though so go refill your coffee first... 

The details of a recent service experience:

A couple of weeks ago, I woke to a flat. I have special tires on my van, called Run flats. Because of this, a special machine is needed to work with these tires. There are only a limited number of dealerships that have the machine. I ended up having to go to Casey Honda in Newport News for service. If you're not familiar with the area it's not really far but it's "over the bridge" which is a common reference for me that might as well mean "on the other side of the world".  I had some other work that I also needed to get done and so I took a book to read in preparation for my long visit. 

I park the van and walk in side and a lady greets & directs me to a man that will help me check in my van for the appointment. His name is Don Matol.

Don greets me and locates my appointment in the system. I actually have a list of things that I wanted them to work on during service. I noted most of them when making the appointment. It looks like he has them all in the system but I want to discuss them so that I can be sure that my questions are answered. He understands and we walk through the list. I start with my flat tire. All of my tires actually need to be replaced but they have some strange wear marks and because of their uniqueness, I want to know how to NOT have this issue again.

He walks me over to another car and discusses a similar issue on the tires. My problem is most likely alignment. As we turn away, a lady brings my van around and I indicate that it's coming through the shop. He happily replies and welcomes the idea of showing me another more personal explanation. He asks the lady to turn the wheel so that all of my tread is displayed. He says "Oh, yes. This is an issue with alignment." My wear bars are showing. The outer tread is bald. The inner tread is thin but not like it's outer row.

We look at the other tires and confirm that all 4 need to be replaced and we return to the desk and the next question. I need an oil change and I ask about a transmission flush. He communicates with me about how if it's needed it would show up as a service reminder in my dash and that most likely it wasn't needed yet. He explains the service code that it would give me. I'm still trying to process. I guess my face is puzzled. To which he replies, come here and let me show you. We return to the vehicle.

Evidently, if you hold down a button on my dash it will tell you the service coming due. He shows me where the code appears.  My transmission service is coming due it's not needed just yet. My oil service is due and so he shows me how it would appear. We return to the desk and he shows me a chart on the counter where I was standing and he explains what service I can expect for each code.

I ask where I can get a copy of that list. He explains that it is in my manual. He says, "Actually, there are 3 manuals for this vehicle. This particular article can be found in the Service History Guide." I bought my van used and had to order manuals. I only have two. I didn't know that there was a third one. I guess, I said that out loud and he said, "No problem. I will be glad to print you one from the internet." (I love that he was willing to print it and didn't just tell me to go home and do it myself.) I need to remember to order that book though.

We go through some other things on my list and he says, "I know that you're getting a lot done but while your vehicle is here; I'd really like to make sure that there are no recalls or updates due." I know that I have one recall but I don't think that the part is even available yet. He looks through the system and finds the details. He assured me that they have already checked hundreds of vehicles for this recall and haven't found one van with the actual problem. Just the same, they will look at mine while it's in. 

He explains that he also finds an update that he needs to complete as well. Being a verbal thinker, I utter the word "update" trying again, to process. He explains that just like computers that run windows and have software patches, this vehicle has a computer and will also need software updates occasionally. The update and recall are both free.  It never really occurred to me that a car with a computer would have an update but it makes sense...

We go through a few more of my questions. He explains and discusses each one with just as much attention. By the end of the list he says, "We have a lot of work to do and this is going to take some time". I assure him that I am in no hurry. I have a book and a plan. I did ask if his expectation of "a long time" meant by 6:00pm or 9:00 pm. He said "Oh no, our service department closes at 5:30.  If your vehicle isn't ready by then, we're going to have to give you another vehicle." (I think that he called it something else.) "But we're going to try really hard to get your vehicle finished."

I was weirded out about the loaner car thing. He must be joking. I sweep the thought aside as he assures me that he has a lot of guys and the schedule is not as busy as it had been. Maybe with a group effort, they would be able to complete all work.

I go outside to read my book, thinking about how different this experience has been verses what I see at other automotive shops. Even the competitor to this place shows a disdain for having customers. I realize it's most likely and attitude about the work but the attitude transfers to the customer.  If the work performed is anything like the attention that I have received walking in the door, then I will have to make it a point to come back to Casey, no matter how hard that might be.

I continue outside and my husband appears. Instead of my book, it looks like I'll be shopping instead. The time passes quickly. I return to the dealership at just before 5:30 and he replies, 'You are just on time". He says "My team worked so hard. They really did and they did a great job but we just weren't able to finish. I'm really sorry but we're going to have to get you that car."

I am seriously shocked. He apologized for having to give me a car. I am thinking, I had so many plans this weekend and I am so thankful that I am not out a vehicle. I can't believe their going to give me a car. I'm not a CEO... or in a suit or anyone of a particular status. I'm just me and they still want to give me a car. He says that he needs to finish something else really quick and then get back to me. I go inside.

We meet at the counter and he introduces me. The lady (Vera) says, I see that you have an Odyssey. Would you like a car or another van? I'm shocked again. Really? A van? "Of course, I'd love a van. I have 3 kids..." I was picturing all of us in a CRX... and shuddering. "A van! YES PLEASE!" Don leaves me and assures me that he will be in touch on Monday.

As I exchange information with Vera, the same lady (Candie) that brought my van into the service bay asks me if I'd like the replacement van parked aside mine for switching the car seats or if I'd like it out front and just carry the car seats through. I don't know why I am shocked that she would ask me how I would like my car brought to me but I am. -Although it doesn't matter. Whatever is easiest.  I told her that I could carry seats through. She explains how we will do this before she departs.

Candie is back in a moment. While my documents are printing at the counter, Candie and I return to the bay to get my seats. The van is still on a lift. I think to myself; didn't she just offer to park the rental beside it? Gosh, she clearly could have done that. All of my tires are on but man that would have been a lot of work for her. I am surprised that she even offered that. This was so much easier for them. I'm glad that I didn't request the first option. As we wait for my van to come down, she leans over and says beamingly, "The van you're taking home this weekend is new. It only has 86 miles on it."

my.heart.heart.palpitates. 

I thought she must be kidding. I say to myself, maybe she said 86 thousand miles... -but wait, that's not new. She said new. "Are you serious?" I ask. She was serious.

I finalize the details with the two ladies. They are just as accommodating and friendly as Don. I get in the van and no lie, I feel like what people say that they feel when they leave Disney World. I must be releasing endorphins in massive quantities. I can't wait to tell somebody! Actually, I can't wait to tell a couple of somebodies.

I call my network of good listeners; I listen to myself and think of the details. Underneath, I think to myself, I bet they gave you a van so that you'd want the new one instead of the old one. I am actually not interested in another van right this minute but seriously, even if that was a sales gimmick, no one has EVER really acted like a shortage of something, was an opportunity to provide such unexpected results. -At least not at a car dealership. And Kudos to them! I've had a good experience car shopping here before. If I was to buy a car, this might very well be the place that I buy that next one!

I think about Don's demeanor the entire time that I am there. Even if this was "just a job" and this was how he was supposed to perform- he never let on if his heart wasn't in agreement. Even if he was annoyed by my 6th question or if he cringed at the thought of having so much work to do in so little time; he gave me the genuine impression that he wanted to meet every need that I had no matter how long it took. He wanted not just my van, but my needs serviced as well! Even if they had nothing to do with the van. There was something extra... It was refreshing! (What's that? Customer service?)

While telling my mother, she explains that when I was young, that was the way that service was supposed to be. You would lose your job if you didn't provide (what I described) every time. I think to myself, how sad is it that our society has just accepted the fact that the person on the other side of the counter or phone is most likely not even going to want to deal with you. Why have we lowered our standards?

******

Intro:  I really wanted to learn something from this experience but also share it with others. Not just the awesomeness of the "Casey Honda" but what about my convictions?  How could I apply this in my own service at work and in my church or among peers and family?

I read this story at work and then highlighted things that he did throughout our appointment. If you've caught anything I've missed, please share it! In fact if you have any significant service experience that you'd like to share, I'd like to hear it that too!

His Example:

• Review the problem. Is that all of the details, issues?
• He teaches me something and gives not one but two examples. -Repeat it, if necessary.
• Move – Don’t tell them. Show them.
• Don’t wait for them to ask questions. Read their language.
• If they’re defensive, check your tone.
• If they look puzzled, ask the question for them.
• If they are frustrated, assure them.
• Be empathetic. If you were on the other side of the counter, what would you want to happen?
• Don’t fix this visit, fix the next two visits.
• Updates
• Maintenance
• Inventory
• Settings
• Other errors or notifications
• Don’t tell them to do it. Do it for them. (Like printing the manual.)
• Ask them even more questions.
• Explain what you’re doing. Most of the time they like it.
• Don’t underestimate the time. – Tell them if it will take all weekend!
• Have a back up plan if it does.
• Schedule work for a later date if necessary.
• Check your attitude.
• Greeting "You’re right on time."
• "Let me do it."
• He spoke for the team.
• He didn’t say, oh I can’t do that or that’s someone else’s job.
• In fact he fluffed them up. “My team worked hard.”
• Think about who you would give your best service to and then treat everyone like that. Is that the President of the company, your mother, your idol?
• You don’t have to tell them how complicated the steps are for you.  Let them discover it. (Like how hard it would've been to bring my van back to me.)
• Is their shortage your opportunity to sell them on something? – or blow their mind?
• Apologize if necessary.
• Thank Them. 

The devotional piece in how it applies to my family or personal ministry...

1. What about where I should lead within my own community. If I review the list of Don's actions do I go through even half of those steps in my spare time, with family, my children in ministry? -Even if it's in my free time or if I am not getting paid?

2. Am I again so focused on the work of the customer, I forget about the service of the mentor. Who is along side me that I need to be giving just as much attention to?

3. And yes, even in my own ministry... I think about how I couldn't wait to tell someone about my experience. Don't I want to be so "in alignment" with God that I can't help but meet the personal needs of those who are near me. Don't I want others to be so excited that they come back to hear about him again. To be taught... about my Savior? Don't I want them to come back to church although they might find the commute an inconvenience? Is what my church offers worth the commute or extra time that would be lost to them?

4. Matthew 5 says that our light is to expand. -To touch others. -To be contagious. For the way that I perceived Don, is the way that I left feeling. How do I represent my God to others?

5. What about my role as a mother...? Just this morning when my son was disappointed in a change of plans, instead of my focus trying to be only how to break the news in the most loving tone, and offering an apology; I thought of my service experience, and how might I be able to offer him something else that I could do instead to show that he really did matter to me. 

6. Don listened and then he did something. He never offered me advice or told me what I should be doing. What if we only looked for needs to meet and then met the need. Then we offered a printed service guide (Bible) and a good prayer. -And then we let ONLY the Holy Spirit be their council (when possible). Should the least thing that we do be praying and/or directing them to the Holy Spirit? 

Supporting verses:

Ephesians 6:5-7 - Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.

Philippians 2:1-4 - Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Romans 12:10 -  Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

******

Customer Service is an Art. You can be creative. You can express yourself and how that translates in a variety of ways. 

How Art and Service might be alike:

1. You have the opportunity to leave an impression on someone.
2. You might even inspire them!
3. You can be as creative as you want to be.
4. You should take your time to do good work because your finished product reflects you!
5. Sometimes you have to get your hands messy.
6. Sometimes the best art/service comes from a happy accident.
7. You can never have enough tools to perform your work.
8. It's interactive. If you put nothing into it, you will have offered nothing or not have a finished product.

A little or much...

On two different occasions over the weekend, other people reported Ethan appearing with money. The amounts were small but it's been a while since he has earned any allowance. He has been known to save money and hold out for a while but both instances struck me as odd. -All the more so once they happened back to back. 

I didn't want to accuse him of anything since he hadn't been caught actually doing anything wrong. But I also didn't want to turn a blind eye if this was something bigger. As I prayed about how to approach him, one of my own similar experiences as a child came to mind. On Monday, I decided that after dinner that evening I would ask him.

I genuinely believe that he didn't take it but he's at an age where he's trying out different things. I am really not sure that I could tell if he were lying. So, after he told me that the money was his, I told Ethan about my own experience. 

I explained to him that my grandmother always had one dollar bills in her purse. When I was his age, I began sneaking some of them from her. Every day she would go into the den with a book and lie down, eventually drifting to sleep. A few of those times, I slipped into her room and went to her purse to remove one or two of the paper bills. They were only a dollar and so I didn't think that they would really amount to much. I told myself that she might not even notice or care.

If she did know, I don't ever recall her confronting me.  I know that she would have given me anything that I wanted. Yet, I wonder how much it did or would've hurt her just because I didn't feel that I could ask.

To go on further, I will never forget the day that I got married. After the ceremony, when we returned home, she led me to my bedroom and closed the door. When the noise from the other side was silenced, she leaned in close to tell me how proud she was of Colin and of me and then slipped me an envelope with a twenty-five hundred dollars.

It might not seem so significant here on a blog or even to a young boy but my grandmother didn't work away from the home. My grandfather provided for their needs. While he gave her money and didn't withhold things from her; I knew that she had saved her change and extra dollars over the years in order to give me a significant gift that came exclusively from what was hers. 

The years that passed from my childhood to marriage were many and I know that I didn't take money from her more than a handful of times. Even so, as I repeat the story I wondered how much longer she might have had to save those extra dollars to make up for the ones that I got away with as a child. -Only to later give them to me anyway...

I wanted Ethan to connect to this story. When his face went pale and the outer edges of his eyes started turning red, I knew that he understood what my heart was trying to say. It really didn't matter what he did or didn't do. He got the point and that was all that mattered.

I continued with Ethan that just as she loved me, the rest of the family loved him too. While some things might not seem like much to us, to others it can make all the difference. If he had a need, we'd all be glad to try to help him out. We expected him to ask us first and wouldn't tolerate any kind taking for his own.

Throughout that night and the next day, I couldn't stop thinking about that story. While it was still touched me, I asked God what other significance that it could have right now. Then I thought about how even as adults, we still sometimes focus on trying to get just a little bit more for ourselves. Maybe it’s still in the form of a dollar here or there. Maybe it’s only in 5 minutes more or an hour. Maybe it’s even in a secret pleasure or covet that we just want to participate in without anyone knowing.

Just like it would have hurt my Grandmother for me to not ask her for things that I wanted or needed- In so many ways, I think of how that compares to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He already gave us the most important thing that he had and yet we still struggle with or avoid asking for the little... Then we often try to get it for ourselves another way. 

Or what about the fact that he did give us more than most of us would ever want to pay and we still act as if it's nothing...

While some things seem to take a while to come together; we also mature in different ways. In our walk with Christ, we often discover that he gives us so much more than we ever thought he could. But it's often not until we're willing to see what he can do, that we are able to understand the significance of what's already been done. SUDDENLY- we realize just how far away we are.  It is then that we wonder why we ever waited so long to come to him...

Ephesians 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. 

O' to be in love...

I will never forget the day that I saw Colin for the first time.  I was 14 and I was in my freshman year of High School. After school, many of our friends would go to various locations to play football. I would ride along. While they played, I sat on the sidelines and held keys, wallets, hats, etc. -Occasionally cheering, but mostly yelling smart comments and talking to the other girls that might be sitting with me.

Then one January day at Peasley Middle School, I noticed someone that I hadn't seen before. He caught my breath and I remember watching him walk, almost in slow motion, back to position for the next play. I leaned over and asked my friend Vicky who he was. She told me his name was Colin, to which I replied "I'm going to marry that boy some day!"

Over the next few months, no matter how hard I tried, I never ran into him at school. I attended many games and occasionally caught a glimpse of mister aloof. Eventually, I did run in to him again at one. I talked him into letting me hold his glasses. At some point I hijacked a necklace and it just went on from there. By April I was completely, obnoxiously, squealy-school-girlishly, in love.

Don't you remember young love? Oh, how it makes me embarrassed and glad all over again, to think of it. I'd doodle his name over and over. Then change it to variations of mine and his together. I memorized his birthday and favorite colors, favorite bands and past times. I schooled myself in "the ways of Colin" and even tried to be more like him myself. It was easy to learn about his interests and even adopt some of them because of how much I loved and enjoyed being with him.

It didn't matter what I was supposed to be doing, if he called, I was hurting myself to get to the phone. It didn't matter if I'd get in trouble over not doing my chores instead. It never occurred to me to care what my friends or other people thought because I knew in my heart that ... HE was it.

We've been married 13 years now. The places that I grew confidence in him, were not in the things that I memorized; but in things that became known by spending time with him. I've come to trust him in ways where I didn't even know that I was SO untrusting. It is those revelations that have convicted and stirred something deeper inside of me. Not only in my own heart as I challenge myself to offer more, but also in what I expect to receive as we allow our lives to further intertwine.

The NIV translation of Isaiah 62:3-5 says:

You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,

a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

No longer will they call you Deserted,

or name your land Desolate.

But you will be called Hephzibah,

and your land Beulah;

for the Lord will take delight in you,

and your land will be married.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will your God rejoice over you.

"So will your builder marry you..." I think about that verse and I find so many convictions. Not only in how much my relationship with Colin shows me what I still withhold when I profess that same "love" to God. Do I offer even a fraction of the same consideration or attention?

Wasn't I committed to finding Colin when I chased that boy around? How much effort have I spent chasing God? Even in my dress and what people see- Are they things that I am willing to change in order to draw closer? Do I desire to know as much about God because HE IS IT? Does he have my heart? Likewise, the more I learn about God, the more I discover the flaws in my own offerings to my husband and to others. Does my love, really match up to his definition?

While some of those questions might seem absurd, particularly referring to an "eye in the sky" God- I think of that one line again. So will your builder marry you... How much more intimately can someone be known than as the builder would know his creation? -The hidden secrets or thoughts. Understanding my hows and whys... And what more personal relationship can you have, than marriage?

I have discovered that God is far more personal than I was ever interested in being. Keeping him at a distance, made it easier to not know what might be revealed ...or expected or even what I was capable of through him.

No matter how many times I thought about moving closer, I just somehow kept dancing around it. -Getting deeper was such a mysterious, intriguing... o b s t a c l e. It's funny how even that sounds like the first few years of my marriage to Colin... But "No longer will they call you Deserted".  You will no longer be an island to yourself. You will be married and become one. -To know and be known.

Just like those revelations and my untrusting bit; faith is also a confidence. In fact the very definition of trust says that it's a "reliance on the strength, ability, surety, etc. of person or thing; confidence." But in order to trust, you must give something of yourself first. Only then will you find out if something is worthy of that trust.

When we finally allow ourselves to go beyond our fear, our anger, our way or only what we know to be true; do we change... It is in reaching beyond our comfort zone, that we finally move closer. The growth comes in the defeat and conquer of ourselves as we learn to give up control. It is in offering our weakness and not only our strength that we become one.  In fact, I'd say it's in the very weakness, where the joint lies that we connect.

Isn't it work sloughing off all of that hard exterior in order to get to the center of our hearts? You have to develop new skills in order to learn what does and doesn't work. But if we hang in there, in time we will gain knowledge. Isn't it easier to rely on something when you know what it is and what it does? And when you have that knowledge it is so much easier to appreciate what it is before you. 

Agape... -Growing from immaturity to maturity with our beloved...

Just as verse 1 John 3:18 says that we are NOT to love with words but with actions;  Romans 12:9 says that love must be sincere. Isn't it so much easier to do anything when you have a real love for it?  When you want the 'it' more than you want things to stay the same. It is our commitment that will bond or break us. Our commitment is what will prove just how deep our love for 'it' is.

If we are not committed in the beginning, we never get past the superficial "fluff" of love. Somewhere in the middle, if we don't remind ourselves again of our commitment and the prize, we often don't have the encouragement we need to go into the next level.  But man if you can make it to the other side... there are no words for what you will find.

Challenge yourself today to be in love! -To go deeper! -Even past the point of being uncomfortable. Are you really in love enough with someone else to see beyond... and maybe even move?

Love --> Commit --> Skills --> Knowledge --> Trust --> Connect --> Appreciate --> Love
--> Repeat the above and go deeper!

***

Mark 12:30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. 

John 13:34-35 Love one another as I have loved you.

Putting On Christ

This year and last year, I have spent time writing devotions for a local camp.  Each year a theme is picked based off of an anchor verse. Daily devotions are written for each day of camp around that theme and verse. I have not posted the devotions that will be used. I may do so later after the camp for this year is over.  

Anyway, as I was fleshing out subjects for each day, I wrote this devotion but it didn't quite match up with the theme. The theme was about armor and this devotion was more about what might be underneath it. So, I didn't use it. Ironically, it does coordinate well with the last post that I wrote about dress. Since it's not going to be used at camp. I thought I'd share it here. 

2014 Camp theme: Keep Calm ... and Armor On... Daily

2014 Anchor Verse: Ephesians 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes."

Title of Devotion: Put On Christ

Reference passage for devotion:  [Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.]

Has anyone in your family ever made you a garment? Perhaps a shirt or a pair of pants?  You've waited to receive it. You know it will be perfect but then when you get it, you eagerly try it on, only to find that it doesn't fit.  Perhaps the shirt is so big that it might as well be a dress. Maybe the pants have completely swallowed your feet or maybe you can’t button them. It just doesn't fit.

Verse Romans 13:14 says “Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.”  For many “putting on Christ” seems so intimidating.  Jesus was perfect. We are not. Jesus was wise. We are unsure. Jesus provided for multitudes. We might not be able to provide even for ourselves. So, often times, the life of Christ doesn't seem to ‘fit’ us and we tell ourselves “that life was made for someone else” or “maybe we’ll grow into it another time.”

However, if you have received a gift like one in the first paragraph; If you put it on, a tailor can quickly go to work, hemming sleeves, letting out pants, trimming lengths and cinching. Before you know it, the garment that looked impossible is suddenly a perfect fit. You just had to put it on and let the tailor go to work. Who better to alter it than the original creator?

Our creator has given us many gifts. Not just in our personal talents and spiritual gifts but he also lends his Holy Spirit and Word to each of us. He is also our personal tailor. He knows exactly where to go to work tweaking our lives, to reveal the most “Jesus”. We just need to be willing to put it on and willing to let him alter… Once you see what he can do, it might just change your appreciation for what has been given.

Think About It

1. Often we don’t dress for the job because we think that we don’t have anything to offer. We wait for skills to apply. We wait for talent before exploring creativity. Do you feel worthy of putting the armor of Christ on or being called upon by God?

2. Does it ‘suit’ you? Maybe you don’t like the way it feels to have to think about Christ or even talk about him. Mathew 10:33 says “But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.” How does that verse impact you?

3. With or without "armor", would others be able to see evidence of Christ in your life?

Note: For more information about Helping Hands Mission Camp, please check out their site. It is an annual faith based camp that allows adults and youth to make repairs to homes for residents in our community.

And then I wonder what to wear...

Background

Let me start by saying that this blog post started from a Facebook thread in my church group. I wanted to circle back and comment on the thread but my post was really just too long. So, for the sake of the reader and another post that may be related (coming soon), I've shared it here. The question was: 

Little did I know it at the time but I had misread the question. I thought she asked if women should wear dresses. She said shouldn’t. I can’t help but laugh about how sometimes we are so used to hearing or seeing something one way that even when there is a subtle change, we fail to notice. **sigh**

And even better when I contacted her to apologize, she was actually just being silly. I absolutely love that about her. -But man talk about double whammy. ...seek first to understand before being understood.... haha. Thankfully, Jennifer and I both have a sense of humor. Whew!

But before I realized either of the last two paragraphs, I had really started thinking about this question and wondering whether or not women should wear dresses. The string of thoughts that followed touched my heart and made me think a little bit deeper about some things I usually don't give much consideration to. Because I said that I would get back to the group, I wanted to be sure to do so. 

Let's start with the verse: The KJV version of Deuteronomy 22:5 is “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.”

Not knowing really how to answer the question and not wanting to lead anyone astray but also not wanting to ignore them; I referenced commentary that referred to people changing their appearance in order to worship idols or to obtain another status. –Indicating that your motives might be the first place that you need to question. 

Fast Forward There are two bunny trails that I have for this so bear with me...

Bunny Trail 1

After I left that post, I couldn’t stop thinking about what other motives would cause me or other men and women to dress in a way that was misleading or improper. While I know that there are many, I just kept thinking about women trying to cover up their appearance. Dressing in men’s clothing or baggy clothes because they feel awkward in their skin or “not pretty”.  

I’ve had plenty of issues with my own image. In high school I went through a period where I wore men’s clothing. –Even down to the "tighty whities".  (You can laugh, I am doing so). You would never believe that they were the most comfortable underwear that I have ever worn. If they were prettier, I might still be wearing them. Haha.

I wore men's pants, huge shirts, and usually dressed in layers, etc. Some of the clothes may have been Colin’s. I loved him and liked having him around.  But in retrospect something else was happening in my personal life and I think that it was my desperate way of not necessarily trying to bring attention, but instead trying more to fade and cover up who I was.

A relative was asking me to take naked pictures. Thankfully, I never complied but I was frequently prompted with questions and comments that still violated boundaries that I hadn't learned to create. I never told my parents but they held their own awkwardness about sex. For that and maybe a few other reasons, I felt like there was a basic unavailability to them that left me to handle this alone. 

Coming into womanhood is already awkward enough. Couple that with the challenges of confused love and inappropriate sex; I just couldn't seem to find a safe zone. Both of which left me somewhere between trying to cover up (on the outside) and then give too much (of something I didn't understand). They both are out of balance. 

And shame is still an improper motive, now isn’t it? It doesn’t really matter how we come about it…

All of this reminds me of that wonderful post left earlier this year by Christina (another member in our church group). She posted (2/25/14):

“I was thinking this morning about how frustrating it is when you have spent time and effort creating something for someone and the person is overly critical of it. Then it made me think how insulting it is to God every time we complain about his creation, which was made with so much love and detail, ourselves. So many things we don't like. The color or texture of our hair, my bluish greyish eyes, wide hips, short thumbs, crooked teeth, skin complexion, the sound of our voice, the talents we lack, the skills we don't possess; we all know I could go on and on. We pick ourselves apart which is not only hurtful to our own image and little eyes that are watching, but most importantly it is picking apart God's creation. Telling him he messed up, he didn't do good enough. So be kind when you judge yourself so harshly- you are judging him, too.”

Then I think of that verse, 1 Peter 1:15 “I’m holy so you be holy”. How much holier can you be than by HIS design?  Celebrating who and what we are as women and men. -Learning how to love the body that we are in and wanting his way even when it feels so desperately uncomfortable.  Learning ‘how’ to protect and care for it in the most “holy” way when a misalignment comes to light. Wanting the desire in our heart to change so that we can 'right' it within. 

Bunny Trail 2

I have been writing a little post about being in love. It started with how I met Colin and converted to what we offer God in love. It’s funny because there is a comment about me wearing one of Colin’s T-shirts. When I wrote it, and as silly as it sounds, I just kept thinking about wearing a Jesus T-shirt but that didn't feel like the right comparison…

Then I saw Jen’s post and some of the other comments…

Anyway, I have an aunt that is Pentecostal. She and her daughters have only worn dresses and long hair. -No make up and limited jewelry.  I haven’t really spoken to her in years. I thought his was a great opportunity to talk to her and I asked her about her faith and this verse.

She replied, “I made this decision before I chose a church. In Deuteronomy (same passage) it says these things are abominable to the Lord. In Revelations 21:8 it says that any abomination will be thrown into a lake of fire. Why would I take that chance? I want to please him.” Then she went on further to explain and she referenced some other passages “Let your yay be yay and your nay be nay” and some others. We spoke for 48 minutes about this and nothing else.

She read to me notes from a sermon about Abraham, Sarah & Hagar that was used for a similar subject. Listening to her made my eyes sting and my heart pang. I think that she said that there were modifications to women’s dress in the new testament but the gist of it was that she simply loved him and wanted to do everything as good as she could. I gushed with so much conviction.

I left that comment on the post about motives... We think that we have the best intentions and so because they are what we know as our best; we never look deeper. Yet how many times are even our motives flawed. The only rightness that comes in our actions, are the ones that start with love. The right love. HIS love. Listening to her speak made me want to go yank everything out of my closet and ditch it too! Maybe in time, I will actually replace it all. I will pray about that but it gave me such a deeper consideration about  “clothing” and what we “wear”.

Then this morning I sit down and offer up a prayer wondering how I will ever accumulate these thoughts in such a short read and yet still convey the ache in my heart.

I flip open my bible and clear my head and no lie- the first thing I read is my commentary on Romans 13:14. “How do we clothe ourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ?” My commentary goes on with more details but really what more needs to be said?  Daily when we look at our closets, and in the mirror, and to others and at the tasks ahead- We need to consider not what material and worldy things we can put on or design ourselves with- But instead how can we stand naked first before God and dress our hearts in the blood of Christ and the very nature of our savior. In time, he will cover what needs to be covered and reveal what needs to be revealed. 

And Finally

Circling all the way back the beginning of this post where I noted that sometimes we don't see what we think that we do. An old me would've condemned me for replying incorrectly -especially in a public forum.But I felt such a nudging to answer... I believe there might have been a reason that I saw it wrong in the first place. I think of the verse, "for we live by faith and not by sight". Maybe someone else needed to see this as much as I needed to be reminded.

I hope you all have a thought filled weekend!